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MOTM September 2012
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I was curious about people's thoughts about trust in relationships.

I have a few prompt questions, but these are merely a jumping point. Please ask more or discuss more.


  • Can you have 100% trust in relationships?
  • Should you have 100% trust in relationships?
  • Do both partners in a relationship have to have 100% trust in each other?
  • What affects your ability to trust someone?
  • If you are a person who has difficulty trusting in general, how do you learn to trust your partner?
  • How do you keep the lower level of trust from adversely affecting your partner as you learn to trust them?
  • If you are someone whose partner doesn't fully trust you, how does it affect you and how does it affect your attitude toward them? (This could be a current relationship or a previous relationship)
 

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I think being able to trust someone completely is always the goal in building a relationship. While I don't think it's always wise to completely trust your partner, a healthy relationship is always going to be more trusting than not though.

I don't have a problem trusting my partner but I've also never cheated on or been cheated on, so that's a major reason why I'm not paranoid about my relationships -- I've never had a reason not to trust my SO. :)
 

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QUEEN PEEN
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I really like what @MNiS said about building trust. After all, time will tell the ultimate tale. I'll let you in on some Ace-isms though ;) My personal rule... never give your partner too much credit... never give him/her too little either. Always maintain a sense of individuality. A relationship shouldn't define your life; it should merely enhance it. Love the person for who they are, embrace them when they fall, lean on them when you need a shoulder, and develop a true partnership. I'd also like to add that if the emphasized connection in the relationship is sexual, the chances of a long-term partnership are pretty much slim. That friendship is the most important thing. Keep the friendship alive!

*steps off soapbox*

Now to answer the questions. I think the people who are happiest in relationships are those who trust 100%. The happiest I've been in a relationship was when I trusted 100%, but it's also the heartache that hurt the most when it ended. Ummm, I would say... trust your instincts. That doesn't mean you go buckwild when your partner gets home five minutes late from work. Just keep an eye out for patterns. Should a pattern become an issue, confront that bitch head-on. Don't let your worries fester. Get to the bottom of it ASAP. Trust moreso than not until your partner gives you a real reason not to. If your partner is in it for the long-haul, you'll find that trust growing stronger and stronger, and that's what you're aiming for. If you're in a two year relationship and you still don't trust your partner moreso than not... ehhhh, that doesn't really seem like a happy relationship.
 

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Can you have 100% trust in relationships?
Yes, but this is an uncommonly achieved ideal.

Should you have 100% trust in relationships?
One should only trust on a level that he/she is comfortable. Obviously, the more trust, the better. Communication and trust are the backbone of a successful relationship.

Do both partners in a relationship have to have 100% trust in each other?
Once again, 100% trust is amazing in theory. If one person in the relationship has even the slightest inkling of doubt, that's not 100%. To this end, no, 100% trust is not necessary because were it so, only a few people on the planet would be dating.

What affects your ability to trust someone?
Since 100% is the buzzword here, insecurity is the answer nearly 100% of the time. People project their own issues into potential decisions their partner might make. Another answer is a person's known history. If you know someone fucked up before, how you could not doubt the propensity for recurrence?

If you are a person who has difficulty trusting in general, how do you learn to trust your partner?
Trust is a matter of faith; faith is a matter of illogic. This is not something you can learn. It's something you have to believe in.

How do you keep the lower level of trust from adversely affecting your partner as you learn to trust them?
This hypothetical sounds like the makings of a bad relationship. Needless to say, this and the following question are difficult situations. Both parties have to be determined to have a successful relationship if one or both parties lay in significant doubt towards the other.

If you are someone whose partner doesn't fully trust you, how does it affect you and how does it affect your attitude toward them? (This could be a current relationship or a previous relationship)
This topic exists because trust is so damn important in a relationship. When you aren't even receiving a healthy amount of trust, the negative impact is as blatant as it is frustrating. However, I think what's more important than the specific level of trust is whether or not both parties share the same or a very similar level of trust.
 

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I really like what @MNiS said about building trust. After all, time will tell the ultimate tale. I'll let you in on some Ace-isms though ;) My personal rule... never give your partner too much credit... never give him/her too little either. Always maintain a sense of individuality. A relationship shouldn't define your life; it should merely enhance it. Love the person for who they are, embrace them when they fall, lean on them when you need a shoulder, and develop a true partnership. I'd also like to add that if the emphasized connection in the relationship is sexual, the chances of a long-term partnership are pretty much slim. That friendship is the most important thing. Keep the friendship alive!

*steps off soapbox*

Now to answer the questions. I think the people who are happiest in relationships are those who trust 100%. The happiest I've been in a relationship was when I trusted 100%, but it's also the heartache that hurt the most when it ended. Ummm, I would say... trust your instincts. That doesn't mean you go buckwild when your partner gets home five minutes late from work. Just keep an eye out for patterns. Should a pattern become an issue, confront that bitch head-on. Don't let your worries fester. Get to the bottom of it ASAP. Trust moreso than not until your partner gives you a real reason not to. If your partner is in it for the long-haul, you'll find that trust growing stronger and stronger, and that's what you're aiming for. If you're in a two year relationship and you still don't trust your partner moreso than not... ehhhh, that doesn't really seem like a happy relationship.
I completely agree. I couldn't have possibly communicated it better. :)
 

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  • Can you have 100% trust in relationships? I think so, but it's probably naive.
  • Should you have 100% trust in relationships? I don't think so.
  • Do both partners in a relationship have to have 100% trust in each other? No, their perception is what matters. For example, I'd say I trust my Husband 90%, he trusts me about 90%; however, to me, 90% odds is pretty darn good, but he has had struggles in the past because he focuses on the 10% chance of "what if?". He has altered his perception though and it's made a huge difference.
  • What affects your ability to trust someone? Fear...fear of the unknown or being caught off guard, fear in being hurt by someone you love (especially if you don't typically let others in), fear that you are unlovable so a rejection or betrayal will remind you of that. Fear can cause jealousy, insecurity, control, oppression, and even abuse.
  • If you are a person who has difficulty trusting in general, how do you learn to trust your partner? I trust, but that's because I realize that if they hurt me, it will suck, but I'll be ok at the end of the day.
  • How do you keep the lower level of trust from adversely affecting your partner as you learn to trust them? I tell myself that as long as there are no red flags, then I have no real reason to be so afraid, but I don't have a problem with trust.
  • If you are someone whose partner doesn't fully trust you, how does it affect you and how does it affect your attitude toward them? (This could be a current relationship or a previous relationship) When I was not trusted, it made me feel unloved and resentment grew in me. There's a lot more to it than that, but it's pretty personal. The good thing is, he has come a long, long way and I don't feel that way anymore.
 

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Define trust, is anyone capable of completely blocking thought patterns within their mind that may lead to a situation where for a moment they encounter a pattern where they felt deceived by said partner? First off I think one would have to be blind to trust another 100% because everyone lies and when you have been lied to natural defense mechanisms will tend to trigger certain parts of your brain (at least this is how my mind works)

But of course no one likes discussing the semantics of hypothetical situations so I'll just base my answer on observations and learned material.

The answer being that no it is not possible to trust someone 100% 100% of the time. You may devote yourself to reaching the conclusion that you trust the person is lying to you in your best interest but otherwise you are only really ignoring the subtle signals your brain is trying to communicate to you. Of course they say love is blind for a reason.
 

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The answer being that no it is not possible to trust someone 100% 100% of the time. You may devote yourself to reaching the conclusion that you trust the person is lying to you in your best interest but otherwise you are only really ignoring the subtle signals your brain is trying to communicate to you. Of course they say love is blind for a reason.
Unless your reasons are justified and not just detecting patterns that may or may not be true it's usually considered paranoia.
 
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Unless your reasons are justified and not just detecting patterns that may or may not be true it's usually considered paranoia.
So you believe someone is capable of telling the truth every time even when it may be offensive or hurt another person's feelings? I suppose it depends on what you consider trust and honesty, which is something I meant to avoid by debating the semantics of certain words.

I consider it an act of distrust to even have a thought process that leads to a conclusion where you believe someone is lying. Because once a thought has crossed a persons mind it never completely disappears. To expand a thought must be had before someone can reach a conclusion, most people just ignore the multiple thought processes that may occur simultaneously.

Again, it's all in how you define certain terms but paranoia is generally justified when it is not related to everything being centered around a singular individual or one's self. If I witness an interaction between two individuals where I can tell the other is lying to the one it is generally rather apparent based on a number of levels. This is just me, and I can be paranoid also.
 
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Can you have 100% trust in relationships?

Yes

Should you have 100% trust in relationships?

Ideally, yes. I have 100% trust in the relationship. Signs of trouble (legit) will unsettle this as they should.


Do both partners in a relationship have to have 100% trust in each other?


Absolutely. There's no room for compromise here.


What affects your ability to trust someone?

Severe betrayal. That will break the bond really fast. Besides that, I'd have to say dishonesty, lack of respect and insensitivity.


If you are a person who has difficulty trusting in general, how do you learn to trust your partner?

I have never had difficulty trusting. It would be best to seek counseling and not enter a relationship until much of the trust issues have been resolved.


How do you keep the lower level of trust from adversely affecting your partner as you learn to trust them?

Not really applicable to me. That said, open and honest communication is key.


If you are someone whose partner doesn't fully trust you, how does it affect you and how does it affect your attitude toward them? (This could be a current relationship or a previous relationship)


A man who doesn't fully trust me will be dropped in an instant. Not being trusted is a major personal trigger for me. I am a trusting and mature woman who treats her partner with the utmost respect. Anything less, in my direction, is grounds for immediate dismissal from my life. I have no place in my heart for a man who can't trust an honest, straight-forward and committed woman like me. Leaving the relationship is how I have dealt with it, in the past. I don't see this changing.
 

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Once someone's in my circle as either a friend or SO, I trust them implicitly. Relationships are built on trust. Without it, you may as well be talking to your teddy bear for all the good their interaction would be for you. I'm an NF and a lover, not a fighter though. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt until they should do something offensive to that.

That said, it can take a bit of convincing for someone to get into my circle. That's usually the test drive to let them earn my trust, as well as earn theirs. But once I deem someone a friend, I'm theirs for life until they would do something to break it. I still love most of my previous SOs even though we're no longer together. Only with one SO was trust broken when she cheated.

And I guess that's another thing. It can take a bit of effort for someone in my circle to break my trust, but once that happens, it's pretty permanent because it's over something incredibly serious, like cheating in a relationship. And I believe there are certain levels of trust that can only be reached once, and if they're lost, they're unattainable again.
 

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Can you have 100% trust in relationships?

I'm sure it's possible. It seems like a Shangri-La though, and I don't think it's a Shangri-La I'll ever reach. Of course, stranger things have happened.

Should you have 100% trust in relationships?

It's hard, I don't really know what 100% trust is. I mean I can trust people insofar as I accept what they say at face value as a general rule of thumb. Having been cheated on twice, I know that can be dangerous. As a result, I still take things at face value, because paranoia is kind of exhausting. But I just really keep myself aware that all things can end. I think it terribly important to retain some emotional independence and a degree of emotional detachment from all scenarios and people. The level of detachment I exhibit reflects the needs of each given situation. I feel that the emotional detachment is in itself a sign of not displaying 100% trust, because that detachment produces parts of myself that I'm unwilling to share with people, and therefore I am displaying a degree of distrust.

Do both partners in a relationship have to have 100% trust in each other?

No, I can see how it helps, but no. I think it's dangerous when one side is a 100% truster/sharer and the other party is a "keep a small part of myself" person, because it causes heated arguments in my experience. That said, when both parties like to keep a small part of themselves to themselves they can still make a very solid and happy team. I've found (anecdotally) that the 100% truster/sharer folks feel that it's "lonely" being a "keep part of myself" person. I don't really agree with them, but each to their own.

What affects your ability to trust someone?

Previous treatment. If you regularly behave or say things in an inconsistent matter, I'll pick up on it and pull away. Also, I can usually pick up on when someone is trying to hide something because they have an agenda. Effectively, the best way I can describe it is "personal red flag behaviour".

If you are a person who has difficulty trusting in general, how do you learn to trust your partner?

I usually run my issues re. trust past my closest friends. Calling my best friend and telling her that she's meeting me at "our bar" for a drink of Scotch always means "I need your advice". She knows this, and she provides another perspective on any issues I have and helps me understand if I'm just making a big deal out of nothing or if I'm justified in what I'm feeling. If it's a huge problem, I'll call in a couple other friends, which I affectionately call "The Council", and I see what others make of the situations. That way I get a better feel for when the benefit of the doubt is deserved.

How do you keep the lower level of trust from adversely affecting your partner as you learn to trust them?

I don't really decide to take a step like a trust issue confrontation unless I've discussed it above. I hate conflict, so if I can avoid it, I will. I don't think any of my partners have ever known that I've discussed my points of view with 3rd parties in such a manner. I don't breach confidence, they know that much, and I offer them the same level of respect that I would have for myself. This respect tends to take the edge off the fact that I'm edging my way towards trusting them. I also make clear when there are certain issues I simply don't wish to discuss and point out that it's nothing personal, it's just how I am.

If you are someone whose partner doesn't fully trust you, how does it affect you and how does it affect your attitude toward them? (This could be a current relationship or a previous relationship)

It depends on the degree of distrust and the motivations behind it. If it's unbridled jealousy or insecurity on their part, it makes me run a mile. If they just display a certain degree of prudence by keeping a part of themselves to themselves when discussing issues/feelings, well I understand why they'd want to do that. I'm happy to discuss things when people want to discuss them, I'm very easy going like that. So really, it depends how their levels of trust (or lack thereof) affect the relationship itself which governs how I react, if that makes any sense at all...
 
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