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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I like being outgoing. However, outspokenness? And me? She's the girl I want to be, the trait I want to have, and yet, I get caught up in being empathetic to other's feelings and situations. I don't even think that judgmentally about people anymore- I can understand and use logic to get where anyone is coming from- so I don't feel a need to say a lot. I stand up for people who won't stand up for themselves whenever someone shows disrespect to another person. But otherwise I'm not super outspoken. I'm pretty sure my enneagram is 9. And this post focuses more on dating because that's where my head's at right now, but it applies to all areas of life.

My main thing is this: the heroines or characters I love, and the people I've known that I've been really wowed by, were really kind of blunt. Like Britta Perry on the show Community (who apparently is INFP), or ENFPs like Clementine in the movie The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. At times, I do relate to them. But much more often, I am laid back. Mellow. And honestly, I'm trying to accept myself but sometimes I just feel like I'm boring everyone I know. The last guy I was really into stopped liking me and then fell for a woman like this. So not only was my heart broken for losing him, but it was like a kick to the gut that he's now with exactly the type of person I wish I was.

I am honest. I say things off the top of my head. But they don't normally have that 'kick' to them, that "I see you and into your soul and I'm going to challenge you constantly" vibe. I do see people, and I feel like I do often fully see their heart, but I don't want to challenge people. I genuinely just want to support them, and provide comfort and have that given back to me when needed. Does that sound dull? I feel like the girl in Mean Girls who's just like "I just want everyone to love each other" and someone shouts "She doesn't even go here!" haha.


TL;DR I am trying to be more outspoken and speak my mind but am not sure how. How'd you learn to find your voice and take charge more often? Maybe I just haven't found my voice yet, or maybe I'm naturally and supposed to be my sweet mellow self. I'd love to hear your experiences. Also do you think there's a market out there in the dating world for sweet, genuine women? Because I feel like I have a lot to offer someone, I just haven't found anyone who sees my value yet. I'm definitely wacky too, and have my own eccentricities. Sweet isn't all I am but it is my foundation I guess. I do say when something bothers me or when things need to change.
 

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I like being outgoing. However, outspokenness? And me? She's the girl I want to be, the trait I want to have, and yet, I get caught up in being empathetic to other's feelings and situations. I don't even think that judgmentally about people anymore- I can understand and use logic to get where anyone is coming from- so I don't feel a need to say a lot. I stand up for people who won't stand up for themselves whenever someone shows disrespect to another person. But otherwise I'm not super outspoken. I'm pretty sure my enneagram is 9. And this post focuses more on dating because that's where my head's at right now, but it applies to all areas of life.

My main thing is this: the heroines or characters I love, and the people I've known that I've been really wowed by, were really kind of blunt. Like Britta Perry on the show Community (who apparently is INFP), or ENFPs like Clementine in the movie The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. At times, I do relate to them. But much more often, I am laid back. Mellow. And honestly, I'm trying to accept myself but sometimes I just feel like I'm boring everyone I know. The last guy I was really into stopped liking me and then fell for a woman like this. So not only was my heart broken for losing him, but it was like a kick to the gut that he's now with exactly the type of person I wish I was.

I am honest. I say things off the top of my head. But they don't normally have that 'kick' to them, that "I see you and into your soul and I'm going to challenge you constantly" vibe. I do see people, and I feel like I do often fully see their heart, but I don't want to challenge people. I genuinely just want to support them, and provide comfort and have that given back to me when needed. Does that sound dull? I feel like the girl in Mean Girls who's just like "I just want everyone to love each other" and someone shouts "She doesn't even go here!" haha.


TL;DR I am trying to be more outspoken and speak my mind but am not sure how. How'd you learn to find your voice and take charge more often? Maybe I just haven't found my voice yet, or maybe I'm naturally and supposed to be my sweet mellow self. I'd love to hear your experiences. Also do you think there's a market out there in the dating world for sweet, genuine women? Because I feel like I have a lot to offer someone, I just haven't found anyone who sees my value yet. I'm definitely wacky too, and have my own eccentricities. Sweet isn't all I am but it is my foundation I guess. I do say when something bothers me or when things need to change.
I would say you simply haven't the right-for-you person yet. Not that you need to change yourself to be more outspoken. If the guy left you for someone like the type of person you want to be, then he simply wasn't right for you and likely would've eventually bailed on you. Keep dating and as an INFP don't be afraid to take some chances but don't lose your optimism if a relationship doesn't pan out.

Also do you think there's a market out there in the dating world for sweet, genuine women? Because I feel like I have a lot to offer someone, I just haven't found anyone who sees my value yet.
Yes, absolutely. Maybe you're just looking in the wrong places?
 

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I don't see you compromising any of your values so I don't see why being sweet is less good(?) nor do I agree with why you need why you need to be more outspoken.

I think there's a market for the sweet girls. When I've matured more and have decided that I would like to date I could see myself with one. :x

I hope you find your love and that your love finds you, if that's what you're looking for.

I would write more but now I need to go watch Community. I think you just introduced me to a great show. Thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Haha I just have to say, that both the people who ditched me for someone super outspoken said the same thing to me about "when they get more mature". So it was just interesting to see you say that, too. I hope when you're looking for love it finds you too.
 

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Haha I just have to say, that both the people who ditched me for someone super outspoken said the same thing to me about "when they get more mature". So it was just interesting to see you say that, too. I hope when you're looking for love it finds you too.
Yeah, guys are like that. I think you're at an age where everyone just wants to have fun. So date, have fun and be free. :) Unless you know you'll have an arrangement with someone for marriage, dating frequently is your best chance at finding love. :)
 

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I've also been ditched because the person felt I lacked that umph and wasn't outspoken enough. But not everybody is like that and yes there are many men looking for a sweet girl are you serious? I would just say watch out for the one's that try and take advantage of a sweet girl, then you'll be fine. And when you find the right person being outspoken will be natural.

As far as how to be more outspoken when it isn't natural, I am also working on this myself, and so far I have gotten to the point where when I do bottle things up I let the finally explode out of me. I imagine at some point I will have more control over the bursts by simply realizing I need to speak up before things get bottled up. As simple as that sounds that did seem like an epiphany for me, because I am a person who for some naive reason believes he has an endless fuse and I am coming to realize that as patient and self controlled as I want to be I am also human. Also people who get on your nerves will just naturally bring that side out of you.

TLDR: Screw both those guys, you will find people who you are comfortable being outspoken with.
 

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Being outspoken, for an INFP, will come once you are married and then only when you can emulate your SO.
It's not in our INFP DNA to be continually outspoken. When we are outspoken, we generally tend to vent on a topic after which we resume our calm, easy going demeanor.

How did we get this way? Ever wonder why, when other types who are outspoken make it seem like there is no other way to be in life, we cannot better motivate ourselves to be more assertive?
 
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I don't believe being sweet and outspoken are mutually exclusive, so there's that. Finding your voice feels more like becoming comfortable with your natural tendencies versus changing who you are. Not that you will not change, but it's more a result of building your self-confidence than setting out to specifically attain a certain attribute.

I am that 'challenger' INFP, and I have been rejected at times because of that, while also loved because of that trait as well. Different strokes for different folks. There's a market for all types of people. If anything, I would suggest really digging into why you admire those examples of people you see. Is it truly only their willingness to speak, or is it their confidence and conviction? Are you comfortable with being outspoken, or do you want to be viewed a certain way by other people?
 

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Being outspoken, for an INFP, will come once you are married and then only when you can emulate your SO.It's not in our INFP DNA to be continually outspoken. When we are outspoken, we generally tend to vent on a topic after which we resume our calm, easy going demeanor.
There is no "we" in this statement, for me. That seems very individual and personal, and I think different people's cultures and upbringings need to be factored in there too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Seriously, same with me Candy! And I was my authentic jokey, weird self with him. Like I showed some aspect of all my different sides, and that's part of why the rejection hurts so much- because he saw who I was and he didn't like it. But I agree with what Neutral Chaotic said, and I think expanding myself more and really just engaging with who I am, letting more people see that, and having the confidence to work towards making my dreams come true. I think those things will help me find more self worth and will also give more people a chance to see me, so more sirs and ma'ams will have an opportunity to love me for who I am. Haha.

Because being loved for who you are, and loving someone for who they truly are, that seems like the deepest, most fulfilling love.
 

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15% of the population (maybe more) have low empathy. They look at sweet people as people to exploit and dominate. So you want to avoid those types. Learn what you can about narcissists and psychopaths and avoid them, and certainly don't try to change them. That's another trap.

Then realize that sweet doesn't always mean practical. All relationships are built on mutual goals so you want to be helpful to others and they have to help you with your goals.

The rest is meditation and philosophy of stress relief. Stress has to be reduced as much as possible. I'm almost sounding like an Okinawan! Eat well and exercise!
 

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Be who you are. If you feel you are taken advantage of because you don’t speak up than work in that, but never change who you are to please others.

I’m outspoken and believe me, it can be an odd place to be. People turn to you when they need a voice but then tend to abandon if your voice makes waves, and it can be tough when you are the one who needs support, since no one sees you as needing help.

So just be you and you will find your people.
 
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Martial arts.

Nothing wrong with being sweet, just make sure it doesn't become diabetes level bad.
 

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Seriously, same with me Candy! And I was my authentic jokey, weird self with him. Like I showed some aspect of all my different sides, and that's part of why the rejection hurts so much- because he saw who I was and he didn't like it. But I agree with what Neutral Chaotic said, and I think expanding myself more and really just engaging with who I am, letting more people see that, and having the confidence to work towards making my dreams come true. I think those things will help me find more self worth and will also give more people a chance to see me, so more sirs and ma'ams will have an opportunity to love me for who I am. Haha.

Because being loved for who you are, and loving someone for who they truly are, that seems like the deepest, most fulfilling love.
And, that feeling is understandable. I think for INFPs, sometimes we can take things really personally, when there might not necessarily be malice [though I don't know the details of your situation]. You will never be everyone's cup of tea, and it is destructive and futile to work towards being that or even desire it. That being said, putting yourself out there and just being you can definitely catch eyes that would not have looked your way normally. :proud:
 

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Figure out who and what you are, and be it. There is probably going to be pressure from the media, family, friends, lovers.... to change aspects of "you" to suit their preferences. What is that quote I see in so many +signatures+ here? "Try to be yourself in a world that is trying to turn you into someone else". I'll tell you why I like being sweet (nice to most I come across) --- I sleep better at night. My conscious is clear when I lay down in bed and close my eyes, if I haven't spent the day riding my dragon, torching cities and killing 1000s.

My husband and I have discussed this issue over and over, I've lost track how many times --- how we both are SO quiet, boring, uncomplicated, simple, salt of the earth types, who lack charisma. We are a great pair! LMAO. But after so many years of marriage it would be exhausting to be anything other than what we are. It's too much work to fake something other than a true self, for 27 years.

Husband and I also discuss often how we are slow with the comebacks. We think of great things to say to the idiots out there, just about 10 miles down the road. Too late.

If you really want to change and be more polished, check out some classes in your community, they might be free, "How To Influence People" type classes. Or assertive classes. Or "I want to be a different Person" classes... GOOD LUCK!
 

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I like being outgoing. However, outspokenness? And me? She's the girl I want to be, the trait I want to have, and yet, I get caught up in being empathetic to other's feelings and situations. I don't even think that judgmentally about people anymore- I can understand and use logic to get where anyone is coming from- so I don't feel a need to say a lot. I stand up for people who won't stand up for themselves whenever someone shows disrespect to another person. But otherwise I'm not super outspoken. I'm pretty sure my enneagram is 9. And this post focuses more on dating because that's where my head's at right now, but it applies to all areas of life.

My main thing is this: the heroines or characters I love, and the people I've known that I've been really wowed by, were really kind of blunt. Like Britta Perry on the show Community (who apparently is INFP), or ENFPs like Clementine in the movie The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. At times, I do relate to them. But much more often, I am laid back. Mellow. And honestly, I'm trying to accept myself but sometimes I just feel like I'm boring everyone I know. The last guy I was really into stopped liking me and then fell for a woman like this. So not only was my heart broken for losing him, but it was like a kick to the gut that he's now with exactly the type of person I wish I was.

I am honest. I say things off the top of my head. But they don't normally have that 'kick' to them, that "I see you and into your soul and I'm going to challenge you constantly" vibe. I do see people, and I feel like I do often fully see their heart, but I don't want to challenge people. I genuinely just want to support them, and provide comfort and have that given back to me when needed. Does that sound dull? I feel like the girl in Mean Girls who's just like "I just want everyone to love each other" and someone shouts "She doesn't even go here!" haha.


TL;DR I am trying to be more outspoken and speak my mind but am not sure how. How'd you learn to find your voice and take charge more often? Maybe I just haven't found my voice yet, or maybe I'm naturally and supposed to be my sweet mellow self. I'd love to hear your experiences. Also do you think there's a market out there in the dating world for sweet, genuine women? Because I feel like I have a lot to offer someone, I just haven't found anyone who sees my value yet. I'm definitely wacky too, and have my own eccentricities. Sweet isn't all I am but it is my foundation I guess. I do say when something bothers me or when things need to change.
Yes, of course there is a market. Being genuine and sweet are great and rare qualities that are often underestimated. I know that bad experiences in partnerships can lead to self-doubt and shatter our self-esteem. I'd also like to tell you that your value doesn't change because of other people's inability to recognize it. You are what you are and that is good enough. Always remember that! O, and an INFP is everything except boring. Our inner lives are rich, complex and deep. We are like icebergs. There is so much going on beneath the surface that most people probably never see but people who are brave enough to dive will be rewarded richly. Find things that inspire you and that you are truly passionate about. In this context it's possible for an INFP to be more outspoken.

I'm one of those more outspoken and challenging INFP's. My extroverted and introverted functions are almost balanced but I'm still a bit more introverted. Let me tell you that being more outspoken can also bring you into a lot of trouble :D It looks cool in a TV series, but comes with a price tag in reality. Some people, for example, thought that I was less sensitive and even criticized me a lot harder than they normally would have done. Ouch!
 
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Reading all of your replies has been such a good reminder of what matters. I really appreciate everyone taking time to comment on what I posted. I'm trying to push myself to try new things every day and figure out new aspects of myself. Hopefully I'll be able to contribute to this community in a new light!
@Sily I think you're right that it would be a mistake to change myself to suit anyone else's preference. I do consider doing this sometimes, but I don't want to lose who I am. It's odd because I realized that I mostly do love myself, and so the conflict within me is more of "I love myself but he didn't" and it's like my brain does not compute. I am really comforted by knowing that other people who are similar to me have found a fulfilling partnership. Thank you for your wish of good luck haha but I'm not going to go down that 'pretending and changing' path. I'd much rather be myself.
@Daughter of Elysium Thank you for sharing your perspective on this! I think this line of what you said about other people, and after reading it in your reply to me I just really want to absorb it and not be so hard on myself anymore.

I'd also like to tell you that your value doesn't change because of other people's inability to recognize it. You are what you are and that is good enough. Always remember that!

And haha you are so on point about the inner world thing. The times I tried to share it with him he didn't respond very well, so that should have been a signal to me. But I was looking at it through rose colored glasses. Do you have any tips on how to be more objective even when your heart is involved? Because I read things about red flags in dating and he had a few of them now looking back, but at the time I was like, "oh yes I can see how this is a red flag. But good thing we're stable". Idealism can help make the worst things into new opportunities, but it can also really go the wrong way too. You actually just reminded me- I have a friend who's also outspoken, and her tendency to question everything and challenge people has caused her a lot of grief with her family. I think the root of the conflict is just that they're not the right people for her- like you said, we are what we are and that is enough. I know you're probably doing totally fine but I am sorry that people have been harsher to you than they would be if you didn't speak up so much. As someone who's still learning to find my voice I just want to wave from the other slightly quieter side and say I admire you for having the confidence to speak.
 

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