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Yes, more than one infx on this forum does this. :laughing:


I wasn't aware i did it at first, but looking back I've always been the type that tries and puts in an effort to make friends with the kid no one else in class likes for whatever reason. Same "ideal world" view thing. I've actually had to catch myself a few times from doing it after realizing what I did because it had become second nature. in retrospect I think it's best to simply stay away from toxic people altogether because it can damage your healthy relationships, your own mental health, and it really takes away from your quality of life. Life is short, find people who like you and you can get along with instead of trying to save people who may not be salvageable in the first place and try to bring you down/make life hard. Things will be so much brighter.
 

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I used to do what you described in the Post Title A LOT. Then I learned the great art of NGAF. I feel so much better now.
 

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Actually this is something I have been susceptible to doing at times myself. I would say maybe not trying with effort to smooth things over. But giving people the benefit of the doubt is something I consider both a strength and a weakness of mine. I definitely have a soft and blind spot to loser addicts despite not being one myself. I really don't go out of my way to friend them, I think they just have enough instinct to pick up on that I am not blatantly scrutinizing them. Not that it has to be only non recovered addicts who seem to gravitate towards me, it's not always. Sometimes it's just emotionally toxic people. I am aware that I express my affection for others thru acts of service and this is a big no no for emotionally toxic people as it enables. I have gotten better at calling things out faster than I used. Part of my problem is I know I can come off extremely harsh and brutal when I do call people out and so I have always avoided it until I blew. Which is a no no. Anyways when I was a lot younger I considered people with boundaries as sort of stuck up and pretentious. Now I consider those boundaries more necessary.
 

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Explain why someone would want to do that in the first place. I can understand that it happens, but why? What need is it fulfilling?
They don't necessarily hate you at first. Not going in with that mindset. But you give someone the benefit of the doubt that perhaps they are misunderstood and try to figure what's the issue. Maybe you think they have misconceptions about you. And I have my own daredevil thing going on I guess and that plays into the experience. If by the end youve managed to learn or influence nothing then you realize man what a waste of time. But initially you think something positive may happened for both involved at the end. If I knew for certain nothing good would come out of it for sure I wouldn't even approach.
 

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Trying to gain favor people who hate you
Sorry if I got things mixed up, but the post explains something not exactly matching the title, "the kid no one else in class likes" is not the same as "people who hate you".

Hate???
 

In terms of people who hate you, I studied on a millitary style school for 9 years. In some cases someone hates you because that person doesn't like you and there is little you can do about it, but there is a power struggle there. In some cases after colliding we both ended as friends, in others it was impossible. Despite of... I always looked for harmony, japanese cartoons where people make sacrifices to get everyone being friends or allieds. This worked in school most of the time, we were kids after all and there was no real evil, no real hate, hate is a strong word for a terrible situation. But when we reached adulthood things changed, you could see people wanting to harm you, hate means really, really trying to harm you, it's not as they don't like you.

I had trouble with this... when it comes to men it's been always easy for me to face the situation, confront them and be willing to fight, real fight. Sure I try talking but you know how that goes, sometimes it all comes to colliding, they are looking for you. I faced situations like these even at work where some jerks want to play dirty in the office like cowards, real abuse disguised pushing you to fists... that was easy, why? most people who have something against you don't want a fist fight or a real life confrontation, most are used to people running away.

But when it comes to women... shit that's hell, you can't hit a woman you can't face her the same way and all is done like USA and RUSSIA in cold war, women who somehow hate you can get you in deep trouble, in shit actually and they often manage to get away with it unless you are really clever, and you will need witnesses for this or else you end up like the bad guy. The most terrible, nasty, cruel, evil shit I've seen at work have been with women involved who due to some strange reason bully someone. I've seen people get fired because they couldn't manage the situation and get help fast, dirty stuff was built around them, blaming games, lies, etc. I have no fear on facing a bully at work when that's a guy, but when it's a woman... a lot of damage is already done when you first discover the antagonism. I see no interest or reasons to try to make someone who hates you into a friend or not hating you.

In martial arts many masters say your enemy is your enemy but not someone you should kill, it's someone you could turn into a friend, but when it comes to life you should decide when it's time to kill. Many things sound nice in theory but when someone reall y hates you... that's someone trying to make real damage. In terms of men, the damage and danger usually comes fast, direct, front facing, it's rare that you don't see it coming.




I wasn't aware i did it at first, but looking back I've always been the type that tries and puts in an effort to make friends with the kid no one else in class likes for whatever reason. Same "ideal world" view thing. I've actually had to catch myself a few times from doing it after realizing what I did because it had become second nature. in retrospect I think it's best to simply stay away from toxic people altogether because it can damage your healthy relationships, your own mental health, and it really takes away from your quality of life. Life is short, find people who like you and you can get along with instead of trying to save people who may not be salvageable in the first place and try to bring you down/make life hard. Things will be so much brighter.
Are we talking about the rejected ones? the kid no one else likes?. Your wording looks interesting, is the kid nobody likes? or the kid nobody else likes? as if... you like this kind of kids for some reason?

In my case tried to be friends with the rejected ones. Result? I could put up a circus with so many weird people. I was fast, tall, strong, etc, and was some kidn of bully for a while but turned soft and kind, I don't regret it. I felt their pain somehow and honestly I was too young for that but I was able to understand there was a lot of unneded cruelty at the school. I come from a military style school. Long story short, that doesn't work. Some friends do thank you and see the point where you treat them like humans, they evolve, some don't evolve, some have issues and as years go by you might be surprised on how many don't really get over their own problems. It sucks, but then you find out some of those social inteps actually hurt your life.

I believe this kind of situations happens because we struggle with kindness and limits, and sometimes because someone tries to influence you. My mother this dis since I was very young. The problem is, in most cases they put weight son you they won't carry for even a mile, she always pushed me to be kind to ugly women, dumb women, also men but specially towars women who nobody wants or likes. Then attacked me for hanging around with them, it makes absolutely no sense. And most times I never saw a person on this doing what they preach.

It's related to guilt, a guilt someone builds on you.
 

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The title is quite misleading.

Towards toxic people I will usually throw some quotes from classics to offer them a perspective - then I do not really care if they ignore that. I will only try to help them if they want to.

Concerning getting something from people who hate you, you need to have something they want or need. Than you can have a deal even with enemy.
 

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They don't necessarily hate you at first. Not going in with that mindset. But you give someone the benefit of the doubt that perhaps they are misunderstood and try to figure what's the issue. Maybe you think they have misconceptions about you. And I have my own daredevil thing going on I guess and that plays into the experience. If by the end youve managed to learn or influence nothing then you realize man what a waste of time. But initially you think something positive may happened for both involved at the end. If I knew for certain nothing good would come out of it for sure I wouldn't even approach.
Need to be respected by someone then? I get it. Though at the same time, it's not possible to be respected by everyone and there will always be people who misunderstand you/dislike you. I'd rather stick with and hang out with people who do like me.

I get why someone would want the person that dislikes them to like them and behave in certain ways to get them to like them, but I don't do it and I don't advocate anyone else do it either. If a state of mutual respect develops, then it develops and attitudes can change over time, but they can't be forced.

For me when it comes to toxic people it's just door slam. Shut. You're not worth the trouble. Done that to dozens of people in my life already and frankly speaking, the first few times it did bother me, but once you realize that only your happiness matters and others' role in your happiness is not that great, it's very easy to let go. Self-respect is more important to my mental well-being than others' respect. I've learnt that to counter every person that dislikes you, there are always more people who do like you.
 

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Need to be respected by someone then? I get it. Though at the same time, it's not possible to be respected by everyone and there will always be people who misunderstand you/dislike you. I'd rather stick with and hang out with people who do like me.

I get why someone would want the person that dislikes them to like them and behave in certain ways to get them to like them, but I don't do it and I don't advocate anyone else do it either. If a state of mutual respect develops, then it develops and attitudes can change over time, but they can't be forced.

For me when it comes to toxic people it's just door slam. Shut. You're not worth the trouble. Done that to dozens of people in my life already and frankly speaking, the first few times it did bother me, but once you realize that only your happiness matters and others' role in your happiness is not that great, it's very easy to let go. Self-respect is more important to my mental well-being than others' respect. I've learnt that to counter every person that dislikes you, there are always more people who do like you.
Not the need to be respected but to see things play out ideally, for example not have animosity within a group, clear up misunderstandings.
 

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I just go through life pretending everyone loves me. Even someone does hate me it just irks them to see someone do that XD.
 

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That's true kid.

I was also a victim of this.

Like, this is actually a "savior mentality syndrome"

Like we think we can change or help someone or save him/her.. But then I've learned my lesson as well by experience.

You can never change anyone who's unwilling to change.

And anyways, if they really wanna change, they'll come to you, for help.
 

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Not the need to be respected but to see things play out ideally, for example not have animosity within a group, clear up misunderstandings.
That's probably a small part of it. Personally, I think that group harmony is overrated. I now prefer to be in a state of balance. It's ok to be in conflict with some people and not with others. People matter very little in the grand scheme of life as long as you have enough in your own life to be happy about. If you don't, then you suck up to others because then you need them to validate your existence.

Well, i think it comes with empathy.. High empathy.
Could be empathy, or could be over-inflated sense of self that comes with not recognizing one's own personality flaws and how others just may not like certain things about them?
 

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I wasn't aware i did it at first, but looking back I've always been the type that tries and puts in an effort to make friends with the kid no one else in class likes for whatever reason. Same "ideal world" view thing. I've actually had to catch myself a few times from doing it after realizing what I did because it had become second nature. in retrospect I think it's best to simply stay away from toxic people altogether because it can damage your healthy relationships, your own mental health, and it really takes away from your quality of life. Life is short, find people who like you and you can get along with instead of trying to save people who may not be salvageable in the first place and try to bring you down/make life hard. Things will be so much brighter.
I don't get it. You're talking about making friends with someone nobody likes, or with someone who hates you??
 

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I don't get it. You're talking about making friends with someone nobody likes, or with someone who hates you??
I'm talking about the person who, for whatever reason, is an outcast, and within that category lie people who misbehave/have antisocial/misanthropic tendencies.

So I'm explaining my natural tendency to try to mend issues within a group, and how that sometimes leads me to run across hateful people.
 

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I'm talking about the person who, for whatever reason, is an outcast, and within that category lie people who misbehave/have antisocial/misanthropic tendencies.

So I'm explaining my natural tendency to try to mend issues within a group, and how that sometimes leads me to run across hateful people.
I see... You have a saviour complex? Bad news is some people dislike those who always feel the need to fix other people's problems. While you may think that you're doing good, some may see it as hypocritical. I'm not saying you are; I'm just telling you how some people perceive it.

Don't force yourself on these people but let them know you're open to be friends. Good if they gravitate towards you and see your sincerity. Let it be if they don't buy it.
 
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