[rowingineden]

I am (probably) an INFP, and I am trying to understand a new friend of mine who I suspect is probably ISTP (because she acts very similarly to my ISTJ father, but she seems distinctly P to me). What I like about her is that she is very intelligent, and with her, I don't have to lead every single social interaction, because she quite often has plenty to say, and I can just let her do that.

My friend likes to talk a lot about her specific interests, which I honestly don't have the foundation to reciprocate discussion on. If she is ISTP, do you think she will be satisfied that I am listening to her, or should I provide some kind of feedback? Should I got to extra step and research the things she has talked about? What will make her feel most appreciated and cared for?

She and I also seem to have very different conflict resolution styles. I tend to just want to keep communication open and work through it until it is resolved, and she seems to be very avoidant of anything that would cause any ill will or whatever. Frankly, she seems a little fragile, unsure of herself in social/emotional situations. Should I be especially careful to moderate my emotional reactions to her when we we have disagreements? Should I use my awesome F-ness to help guide her and teach her how to deal with me in such situations, or how to deal with such situations in general? Or would she probably reject that guidance if I tried to offer it, anyway?

What else would you have to say about an INFP/ISTP friendship?

 

[U-80]

Should I use my awesome F-ness to help guide her and teach her how to deal with me in such situations, or how to deal with such situations in general?

No.

 

[MissFixit]

No.

right. Because we really don't want that skill.

Can you make margaritas though?

 

[rowingineden]

right. Because we really don't want that skill.

Can you make margaritas though?

Theoretically. I never actually have because I'm such a good little egg, and I've only ever consumed alcohol underage when my parents said it was okay. (Though my parents will permit just about everything, so... ) They made the drinks, you see.

 

[alionsroar]

I can't really relate to your friend because I've never been the chatty one. I prefer to be the one finding out new things.

Whatever her type, if she likes to talk and she is not asking any questions, then she is probably happy for you to just listen.

In a disagreement, I'm not really empathetic so I'd prefer to be spared all the emotional reactions and just get to the facts.

 

[gpky]

I don't think you should make the assumption that your new friend is an ISTP and then start treating her like she's really one Perhaps you could ask her or if not, just get to know her through your interaction with her. Beats making wild guesses - it's often hard to tell a person's MBTI preference from just what you observe.

 

[ontic]

I'm an ISTP, and I also find myself being more chatty than a number of my other Introvert friends.

Speaking from an ISTP point of view, be very careful about using F-based stuff to resolve a situation that your friend may well feel doesn't even NEED to be resolved.

With me, when others try and bring up emotional solutions to a (possibly) problematic situation I find myself feeling out of my depth, and often even further away from any solution to the problem.

But I also wouldn't say to never use your 'F-ness', but perhaps try combining your NF solution with an intensely practical solution! Feelings to me will very often confuse a situation and do more harm than good. But an ST practical response gives me something to work with, and an ability to actively respond...which I think works well for ISTP's.

Just my two cents...

 

[ontic]

I don't think you should make the assumption that your new friend is an ISTP and then start treating her like she's really one Perhaps you could ask her or if not, just get to know her through your interaction with her. Beats making wild guesses - it's often hard to tell a person's MBTI preference from just what you observe.

...and I agree on this.

I sometimes find it helpful to give somebody a brief run down of the MBTI system, and let them decide for themselves what they are. Which of course, should also be considered as an 'approximate' result. But it can help.

 

[DJArendee]

Video games, myers briggs, cars, outer space, the wilderness... once you mention any of these I'm impossible to stop.

 

[rowingineden]

I don't think you should make the assumption that your new friend is an ISTP and then start treating her like she's really one Perhaps you could ask her or if not, just get to know her through your interaction with her. Beats making wild guesses - it's often hard to tell a person's MBTI preference from just what you observe.

She's not very familiar with MBTI, but I think eventually I'm gonna have to familiarize her with it, lol.

 

[rowingineden]

Video games, myers briggs, cars, outer space, the wilderness... once you mention any of these I'm impossible to stop.

She really likes video games and manga a lot, but we mostly play different games and I've never gotten into manga. Ha.

 

[rowingineden]

I'm an ISTP, and I also find myself being more chatty than a number of my other Introvert friends.

Speaking from an ISTP point of view, be very careful about using F-based stuff to resolve a situation that your friend may well feel doesn't even NEED to be resolved.

With me, when others try and bring up emotional solutions to a (possibly) problematic situation I find myself feeling out of my depth, and often even further away from any solution to the problem.

But I also wouldn't say to never use your 'F-ness', but perhaps try combining your NF solution with an intensely practical solution! Feelings to me will very often confuse a situation and do more harm than good. But an ST practical response gives me something to work with, and an ability to actively respond...which I think works well for ISTP's.

Just my two cents...

I usually act pretty practical in combination with my F-ness, although she recently had the misfortune of pressing my "ex buttons", which resulted in me treating her like I learned to treat my ex, which was not rational or calm at all, because my ex wouldn't respond to that. My ex only responded well when I yelled at her and insulted her a bunch. I hated that. Well, my (likely) ISTP friend responded to that by blocking me from every communication medium known to man. But then when I saw her Tuesday, and I was calm and willing to make peace, all was fine, although she did come up with a pretty far-fetched, disjointed excuse for blocking me from everything.

 

[gpky]

I usually act pretty practical in combination with my F-ness, although she recently had the misfortune of pressing my "ex buttons", which resulted in me treating her like I learned to treat my ex, which was not rational or calm at all, because my ex wouldn't respond to that. My ex only responded well when I yelled at her and insulted her a bunch. I hated that. Well, my (likely) ISTP friend responded to that by blocking me from every communication medium known to man. But then when I saw her Tuesday, and I was calm and willing to make peace, all was fine, although she did come up with a pretty far-fetched, disjointed excuse for blocking me from everything.

If your friend is really an ISTP, then she's likely to be a master at the blocking game. Total shut down - the walls come up in every known direction. That's our 'armour' LOL. And no one can break through it because ISTPs can be stubborn as hell when they want to stone-wall someone.

 

[rowingineden]

If your friend is really an ISTP, then she's likely to be a master at the blocking game. Total shut down - the walls come up in every known direction. That's our 'armour' LOL. And no one can break through it because ISTPs can be stubborn as hell when they want to stone-wall someone.

Well, usually when I feel someone has crossed the line, I completely shut them out of my life. However, I don't do forgiveness or back-tracking or any of that nonsense. It's hard for me to understand closing channels of communication altogether and then suddenly opening them up the next time you meet the person face-to-face. Once that window's closed, it stays shut!

 

[ThoughtProcess]

It takes a major breech of trust for me to completely shut someone out of my life. I call that firing them from my life. All other times are pretty much time for me to think about what just went down and try to come to a logical conclusion about it.

 

[gpky]

It takes a major breech of trust for me to completely shut someone out of my life. I call that firing them from my life. All other times are pretty much time for me to think about what just went down and try to come to a logical conclusion about it.

Agree on this one - for myself, I do a shut down until I'm ready to talk or interact again. Although, I'm never in a hurry to do this. I'll take as long as I need to think. Sometimes, I don't want to think, I just want a time-out. So while I usually won't hold a grudge or stonewall permanently, I can't really tell when I'll come round. I do when I do.

And if this person continues to persist and pursue the matter when I'm in a shut-down phase, then that will incur my wrath more and more, and the likelihood of me ever coming round again grows less and less. When ISTPs say they want to be left alone, they mean it and are dead serious about it.

 

[alionsroar]

I think if someone does something wrong to me I feel angry, but if I don't immediately know why I am feeling angry I need to shut down for a bit until I understand.
Then if I realise I felt angry for a stupid reason or the reasons for anger are less than the reasons for resuming communication I'll open the window up again.

It's like something in the situation is wrong, I need to remove myself from the situation so I can look at things objectively. If I stay around the other person, all their subjective thoughts are going to affect my judgement.

 

[ontic]

I think if someone does something wrong to me I feel angry, but if I don't immediately know why I am feeling angry I need to shut down for a bit until I understand.
Then if I realise I felt angry for a stupid reason or the reasons for anger are less than the reasons for resuming communication I'll open the window up again.

It's like something in the situation is wrong, I need to remove myself from the situation so I can look at things objectively. If I stay around the other person, all their subjective thoughts are going to affect my judgement.

Agreed.

Another reason that this particular ISTP is removing themself from contact with you - the INFP - could well be because they see no immediate resolution to the problem? This person may be withdrawing to avoid both parties any further unnecessary hurt.

Speaking from experience, I had a close INFP friend who I both loved and hated. She was one of the kindest, sweetest people you ever met. But boy did she play up emotions and the run the whole 'blame game' (she blamed herself constantly for everything) thing one to many times for me to stick.

So I had to take times out from being around her. Thankfully, in our friendship she realised that we were clashing due to 'an issue'. I recognised this 'issue' could only be resolved with time apart, and after some time I think she realised this too. But her 'F-ness' at first drove her to keep approaching me and running around the same old issue again and again in the vain hope that this would provide some kind of resolution.

I don't know what changed in her mind in the end...perhaps she just eventually saw the futility of it all...who knows.

Are you looking for resolution you want, but realistically can't get?

 

[rowingineden]

Agreed.

Another reason that this particular ISTP is removing themself from contact with you - the INFP - could well be because they see no immediate resolution to the problem? This person may be withdrawing to avoid both parties any further unnecessary hurt.

Speaking from experience, I had a close INFP friend who I both loved and hated. She was one of the kindest, sweetest people you ever met. But boy did she play up emotions and the run the whole 'blame game' (she blamed herself constantly for everything) thing one to many times for me to stick.

So I had to take times out from being around her. Thankfully, in our friendship she realised that we were clashing due to 'an issue'. I recognised this 'issue' could only be resolved with time apart, and after some time I think she realised this too. But her 'F-ness' at first drove her to keep approaching me and running around the same old issue again and again in the vain hope that this would provide some kind of resolution.

I don't know what changed in her mind in the end...perhaps she just eventually saw the futility of it all...who knows.

Are you looking for resolution you want, but realistically can't get?

No, I just had to work through it to get to a place where I could be calm and rational again. I just hate when I am trying to work through something with somebody and they completely close all channels of communication. I can still get in a good place myself when this happens, but I find it irksome when I have no way of knowing where they are. I like to know what is going on with the other person so I can more properly prepare myself for the next time we meet in person.

It should be mentioned that she and I both seem to have traits associated with Asperger's, so we can both be total social morons. I don't seem to pick up subtle hints unless they happen to be the kind I have trained myself to pick up on, and she doesn't seem to be very good at sending the right signals or doing "empathy". Ooh, I sense a pitch for a new TV show on the horizon.