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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi awesome ENFJs!

I noticed that anytime I leave my ENFJ, he turns off his feelings? It's almost like kisses and hugs become practical instead of emotionally filled when they normally are lovey/passionate. Which confuses me? Can someone explain why?

Also, when I say things like, "I miss you!" or "Thinking about you!" (we are in a ldr), he doesn't really reciprocate. He immediately goes, "Hey you!!!..." almost changing the mood.

Would really love some help figuring this out. I could also ask him, but would love some help on how to ask without hurting his feelings or having him feel like I'm attacking him.

Thanks for your help in advance!
 

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It's pretty simple. Assuming your ESTJ typing is accurate it all boils down to Fi vs Fe

Introverted Feelers (Fi) have subject based values, beliefs, ethics, etc. while Extroverted Feelers (Fe) have object based values, beliefs, ethics, etc. What that translates into is that Fe users "turn off" how they view things once they are not around people and "turn on" how they view things once they are around people. This is why Fe doms have a stereotype of being "social chameleons" because they "turn on" and "turn off" to accommodate those around them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
It's pretty simple. Assuming your ESTJ typing is accurate it all boils down to Fi vs Fe

Introverted Feelers (Fi) have subject based values, beliefs, ethics, etc. while Extroverted Feelers (Fe) have object based values, beliefs, ethics, etc. What that translates into is that Fe users "turn off" how they view things once they are not around people and "turn on" how they view things once they are around people. This is why Fe doms have a stereotype of being "social chameleons" because they "turn on" and "turn off" to accommodate those around them.
Thank you! I understand this too. The former question of when I am in person with him but we’re saying goodbye, the hugs/kisses are emotionless? I don’t understand that. It’s recurring.
 

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You have to remember not every waking moment of a relationship is going to be full of emotion. I hate to be "that guy" however relationships are kind basically boil down into two types. There are those filled with emotion and those that are not. Those that are filled with emotion realistically cannot last. They are like an explosion, intense for a brief moment then quickly fades. In the beginning of a relationship when everything is "new" and "exciting" (typically called the honeymoon phase) however it cannot last. The emotion will slowly fade and you will go through the motions and essentially autopilot just like you do in other areas of your life. That's just reality.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
You have to remember not every waking moment of a relationship is going to be full of emotion. I hate to be "that guy" however relationships are kind basically boil down into two types. There are those filled with emotion and those that are not. Those that are filled with emotion realistically cannot last. They are like an explosion, intense for a brief moment then quickly fades. In the beginning of a relationship when everything is "new" and "exciting" (typically called the honeymoon phase) however it cannot last. The emotion will slowly fade and you will go through the motions and essentially autopilot just like you do in other areas of your life. That's just reality.
I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing. I understand what you’re saying. But I just meant the specific scenario of leaving. Everytime he drops me off to go back home, he seems to shuts down emotionally. He’s fine when he sees me, during, etc. it’s only during the leaving/parting ways.
 

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It's interesting, your question. I noticed that I turn off my feelings when I am alone (it is natural for me, after all, who would I express them to? they exist much more truthfully for me when expressed, not just kept within.
I usually am quite emotion-less inside, my internal space is filled with musings and intuiting :sun-smiley:

I noticed before that when I expected something to happen, I might have projected increased amount of emotion BEFORE it happened and I think maybe in a similar way, when I expected a process to cease, I might have withdrawn from it a little earlier, to sort of "ready" myself for the decreased levels of human contact. I think I do it subconsciously. It's like this preparation phase, and has no deeper meaning for me, other than sort of readying my consciousness for a different "mode" of operating (when I am around people, I switch on, literally - well, most of the time - but when alone, I sort of go into this much more meditative/ external energy saving mode of Ni) :) dunno how to describe it well.

Having said that, I think there can be a multitude of reasons for his behavior. Maybe it would simply be better to ask subtly about it? Maybe he does not even realize what he is doing and how this comes across?
 

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Hi awesome ENFJs!

I noticed that anytime I leave my ENFJ, he turns off his feelings? It's almost like kisses and hugs become practical instead of emotionally filled when they normally are lovey/passionate. Which confuses me? Can someone explain why?

Also, when I say things like, "I miss you!" or "Thinking about you!" (we are in a ldr), he doesn't really reciprocate. He immediately goes, "Hey you!!!..." almost changing the mood.

Would really love some help figuring this out. I could also ask him, but would love some help on how to ask without hurting his feelings or having him feel like I'm attacking him.

Thanks for your help in advance!
For my part, I do those things when I'm focused. But if it hurts you, definitely talk to him about it.
 

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I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing. I understand what you’re saying. But I just meant the specific scenario of leaving. Everytime he drops me off to go back home, he seems to shuts down emotionally. He’s fine when he sees me, during, etc. it’s only during the leaving/parting ways.
I'm not an ENFJ but I would like to share my own experience in case it could be relevant.
When I'm parting ways with someone I really like, I also become short, sharp, blunt, less warm. My own reasoning is, it is a natural defense mechanism for me - as someone who is a little wee bit clingy - it 'helps' with the 'pain' of parting, to become nonchalant to it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I'm not an ENFJ but I would like to share my own experience in case it could be relevant.
When I'm parting ways with someone I really like, I also become short, sharp, blunt, less warm. My own reasoning is, it is a natural defense mechanism for me - as someone who is a little wee bit clingy - it 'helps' with the 'pain' of parting, to become nonchalant to it.
This makes sense. Thank you for sharing! I love my
INFP friends! ♥
 

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As others have suggested, I'd say you should talk to him about it. He probably doesn't realize that it's bothering you (if he even realizes he's doing it). We ENFJs are very eager to please our partners, and if they need something from us, we'd be happy to provide it (provided that it doesn't ask us to go against our moral values).

My wife appreciates it when I get up and kiss her when she's leaving (it means a lot to her, so I do that to show her I love her). If she hadn't told me, I might occasionally do it, but probably not all the time. But now that I know, I make it a priority.

Talk to him—I think that will benefit you both!
 

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After certain conversations, I often find that I get sort of emotionally drained, and I get uncharacteristically quiet and retreat into my Ti.

This usually happens because the conversation was too emotional, and so the effort of absorbing others' emotions makes me feel exhausted; or because my own emotions get to be too much for me to handle.

It also happens when I need to try to be constantly charming, like when I'm meeting a lot of people, or when I need to impress someone.

This may not be relevant, however, since this usually happens to me after large group discussions, not when it's one-on-one
 
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