[perennialurker]

I've heard that Twos often feel taken for granted. Do you feel this way? Why? What would make you feel not taken for granted?

 

[Cantarella]

Yeah, but I usually pull back before I feel that way. But if I don't pull back, it can and WILL happen because most people think that if you're doing something nice for them it's because you want to do it and not because you feel like you have to. If I'm already used to doing something it gets difficult to stop. Actually it's anxiety-inducing to stop. I feel like the world will crumble or something equally terrible will happen if I say no and I need someone to hold my hand while I do it. This is because a large part of our self-image is often entwined with a sense of being needed (even if we AREN'T as much as we think we are) so if we stop giving, we lose touch with our "purpose."

In some cases, though, finally saying no was incredibly satisfying and empowering for me.

 

[perennialurker]

Yeah, but I usually pull back before I feel that way. But if I don't pull back, it can and WILL happen because most people think that if you're doing something nice for them it's because you want to do it and not because you feel like you have to. If I'm already used to doing something it gets difficult to stop. Actually it's anxiety-inducing to stop. I feel like the world will crumble or something equally terrible will happen if I say no and I need someone to hold my hand while I do it. This is because a large part of our self-image is often entwined with a sense of being needed (even if we AREN'T as much as we think we are) so if we stop giving, we lose touch with our "purpose."

In some cases, though, finally saying no was incredibly satisfying and empowering for me.

Thanks so much for the insight! I am curious though, what makes a Two not feel taken for granted? Does telling them they are needed help or hurt them more? Do you want a simple "thank you" or do you require something more? Or is it possible that there is really nothing that others can do to make Twos not feel taken for granted?

Sorry for all of the questions, but I am very different from Twos and I am just trying to wrap my head around you all.

 

[Cantarella]

Thanks so much for the insight! I am curious though, what makes a Two not feel taken for granted? Does telling them they are needed help or hurt them more? Do you want a simple "thank you" or do you require something more? Or is it possible that there is really nothing that others can do to make Twos not feel taken for granted?

Sorry for all of the questions, but I am very different from Twos and I am just trying to wrap my head around you all.

I don't feel taken for granted if the person tells me that they're grateful and tries to show it sometimes. Or does nice things for me to show that they appreciate me a lot. It's as simple as that really. And if someone feels like they don't need or don't want the help I'm giving them, they can totally just tell me and I'll back off, no hard feelings!

Do you know what your enneatype is? I'd be more than happy to answer more questions over PM or Skype. ^^

 

[Destiny Lund]

I know there have been many who have tried, only 2 people have succeeded that I can remember, & it stopped there. I set up limits to keep myself from being taken advantage of. To put it simply, I don't give to those who seem to show no appreciation whatsoever. Depending on the person & the situation, I might give a second chance. After that, you will get nothing else from me aside from friendly advice. Now, if someone shows the least bit of appreciation, I give them all I've got without hesitation. No offence intended, but half the two's I personally know make me grind my teeth sometimes because it seems like they use every ounce of their energy on those who are blatantly unappreciative when there are millions in the world who need that something & would actually be grateful. I guess it might be easier for me to separate myself from people who act as leeches because of the 7 in my Tritype maybe, but there is definitely a line that has to be drawn.

 

[Destiny Lund]

Thanks so much for the insight! I am curious though, what makes a Two not feel taken for granted? Does telling them they are needed help or hurt them more? Do you want a simple "thank you" or do you require something more? Or is it possible that there is really nothing that others can do to make Twos not feel taken for granted?

Sorry for all of the questions, but I am very different from Twos and I am just trying to wrap my head around you all.

If it seems like the person is trying to help themselves, even a little, some sort of evidence that they're trying to stand on their own two feet, I'm completely happy with a smile & a "Thank You".

 

[petite libellule]

I've heard that Twos often feel taken for granted. Do you feel this way? Why? What would make you feel not taken for granted?

That theme is the bane of my existence

when I first joined this forum I threw up this NF overload thread with different types. One of my most important questions I wanted to know/understand was slipped in there with the hope it would be inconspicuous.

The question was .. "How do you show your friends your appreciation/gratitude for them". The question was posed because I come from a point of reference of feeling joy when I express my gratitude and appreciation for my friends in a loving way.

I discovered some types express it differently and other types felt and responded quite literally .. 'Why would I have to do something like that!" Which of course had me laugh and categorize them accordingly as 'Johnny Mc Cool's' with very little souls as their egos swallowed it.

I think the fact is that we aren't apt to readily recognize our egos unless we're hunting for it. But back on point, to zero in on the question at hand, in order to maintain a healthy balance with type 2's in this regard would be to understand that things like, 'reassurance' and 'quality time' hold weight. Other outward expressions of affectionate gifts or physical gestures are equally valued as currency for as Stephen Covey puts it, 'emotional bank account' .. Good books btw. I'd imagine ANY type 2 appreciating people less in tune with emotions to at least read his first book.

but of course, that's just me. Other 2's might differ ...

 

[pandamonium]

...

 

[petite libellule]

Hmm. It's so weird b/c, from my pov, many two's I know seem to set themselves up as people who are always doing stuff for people. The question of gratitude is particularly weird when the receiving party never asked for the thing to begin with; it's almost like the two offers something repeatedly and conditions that person to expect it, then suddenly pulls away b/c they feel used. Thinking about it in terms of the two's "needing" to give rather than "wanting" makes more sense, I guess.

Also, I do find myself acting really "grateful" around two's, but almost as a kind of knee-jerk self-protection. I'm terrified that they will hurt me if I don't give them what they want, so I'm overly grateful in order so that they won't lash out. This is obviously a terrible way to relate to another human being and it feels pretty fake/false and demeaning to everyone involved, so I am trying to move out of this. What is a good, gentle way to just say "no I don't want this/ you don't need to do this" to a two? Often times if I reject something it seems they just try to push/offer something else. I think I haven't been interacting with particularly healthy two's.

Addendum: Unless i'm disintegrating, I have really different (natural) ways of showing affection than two's. Gushing isn't how I express how much I like you. Sometimes I feel that two's want to be gushed at the way they gush at others, but it's doesn't feel "real" to me to do it... is prickly, four-ish affection okay?

I think communicating without fearing what the other will do/feel is the best course of action for any type. If let's say someone pulls away in a 'pouting' 'I'm angry' type of way, I know to let them take their space to handle it on their own or they'll never learn. If I don't do this, they'll never learn to manage their expectations and it'll only breed unhealthy codependency.

Very much in the same way when dealing with type 2's tendencies to throw a tantrum/spazz out. They need to have someone who loves them enough to stick with them but ignore the hissy fit till they learn to manage their emotions. Personally, I had a brutal tango with a type 8(I think) who hung on to me long enough till a lightbulb went off in my head and I realized, Jeezus! I'm a crazy lady! Of course I decided that by managing emotions, I had to learn to NOT help, and to boldly say, NO. You suck. And if you act like a dick, I'm gonna be crazy. And I don't want to be crazy. So either stop acting like a dick or laters ... We parted ways long ago but I'm grateful for the experience. And to be honest, I'm quite certain he gained from the experience to and has moved on to more compatible people who suits his needs.

So let us say a two is giving and it's too much. I think you should consider the following sentence. "I know you care and I appreciate you taking the time for thinking of me. But I'm okay. I need to do this on my own (or need space to figure it out on my own) etc."

then switch the subject to you giving to them (making plans to hang out. Something fun and non-problem oriented. This puts them into the position to begin learning how to receive ...

I think I did pretty good with the last guy I was involved with. I offered help when I couldn't help myself but I didn't just give without permission .. And I practiced self restraint in making sure I didn't lose myself in how smitten I was about who they were so as to maintain my need for introvert space etc. that space was also that opening for me to receive. I'm healthy and happy and look forward to receiving as much as I do giving. We're still on good terms and when life isn't so crazy, I hope to be better in my tango of relationship. As I do with every experience. I keep getting better and therefore, life, keeps getting better. My happiness is not dependent on the outside world.

Know that I might be another core type but I definitely have 2w1 somewhere in my stack of crazy lady cards

 

[pandamonium]

Ningsta,

Thank you for responding to my post. That makes sense- I think always interacting with people as yourself (without hurting anyone) is a good rule of thumb.

I was in a similarly terrible relationship with an E5 once, only I didn't wake up until *after* he had broken up with me- I was completely unhealthy at that point (although, so was he). It was only later that I did the double take of "holy shit I knew I was crazy but didn't realize *how* crazy." I think that experience actually helped me a lot, and I'm grateful to him for initiating the breakup.

That smitten feeling is crazy, ain't it? At some point in my life, I actually felt like I needed to stay away from men b/c liking someone would make me disintegrate almost immediately.

 

[prolific.ambiguity]

There comes a point when, if I'm not shown that my actions are appreciated, I start to feel taken for granted.
I won't express it, I'll push it deep back down and ignore that that feeling occured.
Until I'm full of hurt and resentment towards the person I've been trying to help and protect.
Then I feel unloved and unworthy and the downward spiral beings.

To keep this from happening, another person could give me a heartfelt thanks for "what i've done for them."
Offer to get me something, whether it's just getting up to turn off the light (though I probably won't let you).
Baby me when I'm sick.