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I love how you put that... “2s go straight after what they want, heart-first.” Sooo true and although it’s naturally how I’m wired, it’s not easy. Although fearless, being rejected time and time again never gets easy.

I’m a 2w1, anyone else?
*Time passes, crickets chirp, and you begin to lose hope of ever seeing your question answered, and then just as you had long forgotten you had ever even asked, a cat-eared ENFP emerges from the shadows, raising her hand.* Yo!

Lord Pixel said:
But I think the denying her sort of brings her mood down? She sounds excited and concerned "You need something?!" And when I say no she sounds like "Oh......ok."
I hate that I'm like this, but I know not everybody wants me to do stuff. I remind myself that I say no to offers a lot, as well, so it's okay if other people do.
 
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I don't know for how long I'm gonna think I'm a 2 xD I know that I'm likely either a 2 or a 6 now. But whichever I am, I'm an sx-dom. And wanted to talk about something that happened a couple weekends ago that's still making me super happy.

I was at a tiny afterparty, after having seen a friend's band play. Cuddled up on a pull out bed in the living room with this guy friend (hooked up randomly a few times a year ago, I hadn't seen him since due to just not being in the same place.) There was no pressure for me to do anything I didn't want to, no strings attached, etc. -- I'm not a 'typical' 2 for the fact that I'm not interested in serious relationships right now and might be polyamorous, anyway.

The house was really tiny and cozy. Everyone there was in a good mood, so we were surrounded by positive vibes. We initially had wanted to hook up but couldn't because people were awake in the other rooms and walking around casually lol. So instead we just laid there holding each other, enjoying the warmth. He said it'd been a long time since he'd just been touched. I was so happy to oblige. And we fell asleep like that. In the morning, I just hugged him and everyone else and went on my merry way.

I definitely don't love him, but I had love for him, just as a kind person who was choosing to make himself vulnerable to me. I loved feeling like I was able to provide comfort to him, and in return I was getting it back of course. It felt like that's what I was put here to do. So lovely.
 

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For a long time now, I've been training myself to try to become who I think I ought to be:

"Don't be openly emotional. Every now and then it's okay, but you could become one of those mindless women who nags and borderline bullies men to make themselves feel better."

"Teach yourself about topics other people find interesting, not necessarily because you care about them, but because it'll help you relate to the outside world without scaring anyone off."

"Above all else, never actually admit you're lonely. No one can do anything about it (especially because I don't trust anyone enough to get close enough to them,) anyway, so why talk about it?"

To a large extent, I think these things are important to practice. I've been clingy, shut off from the world, a manipulative and highly emotional wreck, etc. before -- and that's a big part of why I tried so hard to change those things about me. Because that was the worst, for others to deal with and most importantly, for myself to deal with. It just pushed me further away from anyone.

But I feel like I've overdone it and forgotten about me. I just cried for the first time in forever about my own feelings. I should have done that a long time ago, but I was afraid of falling in too deep and ruining all my 'progress.' And if I'm being honest with myself, I'm someone who:

Craves affection, but is also highly protective of myself and my feelings, and am occasionally very isolated for that reason.

Who doesn't really care about things that don't have to do with people. I just don't. I'm useless unless I'm trying to be selfless.

Who only feels the need to TRY to seem steady on the surface because I'm a fucking hurricane on the inside.

I'm at a standstill. Because I have become a much better person than I was, when it comes to dealing with others. But now I feel suppressed; like there's a constant scream stuck in my throat from doing things that will make other people like me more than I like myself. I'm starting to hate people, because of this...because of the dishonesty with myself that I'm probably projecting onto others...

I don't really have any answers other than this, right now. But this is a lot more than I knew just a week ago. What I do know, is that I'm tired of feeling like my happiness depends on those who don't care nearly as much about me. I want to be happy. I just don't know how to be, if it isn't through temporary affection I'm provided through others.
 

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I've always typed as a 4, but I took the Enneagram test again and I was typed as a 2. After reading about 2s, I deeply relate to it although there were times in my life I was more 4ish. I still relate to some parts of being a 4, but not entirely. My tri-type was 4w5, 5w4, 9w1. I know that only one heart center type can be in the tri-type, I just don't know if in my case, that's a 2 or a 4. It would make sense that I'd type as a 4, because the direction of growth for a 2 is towards 4. The only certainty is that I'm HEART BASED and there's no denying that.


 
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I've always typed as a 4, but I took the Enneagram test again and I was typed as a 2. After reading about 2s, I deeply relate to it although there were times in my life I was more 4ish. I still relate to some parts of being a 4, but not entirely. My tri-type was 4w5, 5w4, 9w1. I know that only one heart center type can be in the tri-type, I just don't know if in my case, that's a 2 or a 4. It would make sense that I'd type as a 4, because the direction of growth for a 2 is towards 4. The only certainty is that I'm HEART BASED and there's no denying that.


I just got a physical copy of Wisdom of the Enneagram for cheap and reading the type 2 description was an absolute gut wrenching experience when I was trying to decide between 2 and 4. The type attitude sorter at the start of each chapter helps a lot, too.
 

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I feel like it's so hard to develop my health levels, and this insane loneliness and need for approval/appreciation/love makes me sick at times. I hate feeling this way, self-destructing inside while having to appear positive and well on the outside.

I keep thinking of one person I am very close to and send them a few messages a day, but the truth is, I want to spend more time with them as it isn't enough for my egotistical self, even though they told me they are working (overworking actually) for their bigger goal (spare money to buy a car, they are type 5 btw). And I know they love me even if we don't spend much time together these days.......but it's excruciating to feel 'unwanted', not being able to barely have any quality time.

I feel like drowning, it's suffocating. Meanwhile, all my mind keeps thinking is: STOP, STOP feeling this. Wishing to become as empty as void. The most pitiful, sarcastic thing is that I cannot even go to my close- friends with this matter, pathetic.
 

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I feel like it's so hard to develop my health levels, and this insane loneliness and need for approval/appreciation/love makes me sick at times. I hate feeling this way, self-destructing inside while having to appear positive and well on the outside.

I keep thinking of one person I am very close to and send them a few messages a day, but the truth is, I want to spend more time with them as it isn't enough for my egotistical self, even though they told me they are working (overworking actually) for their bigger goal (spare money to buy a car, they are type 5 btw). And I know they love me even if we don't spend much time together these days.......but it's excruciating to feel 'unwanted', not being able to barely have any quality time.

I feel like drowning, it's suffocating. Meanwhile, all my mind keeps thinking is: STOP, STOP feeling this. Wishing to become as empty as void. The most pitiful, sarcastic thing is that I cannot even go to my close- friends with this matter, pathetic.
Careful. If they're a 5 and you're a 2. A 5 generally doesn't wanna be showered with attention, and they need a lot of alone time. A 5/2 relationship seems odd to me because of that.
 

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Careful. If they're a 5 and you're a 2. A 5 generally doesn't wanna be showered with attention, and they need a lot of alone time. A 5/2 relationship seems odd to me because of that.
That's the issue. One can't simply get rid of their brother. It's stuck forever, hahahaha. This is what I am trying to respect (his alone time = boundaries), but I've always had this issue in the family, and my father also told me multiple times that I ''fed off his energy''.

My parents have been away for many months now (personal reasons), and as I only have a few close friends nearby and my brother at our house, I run out of people I can go to rapidly. This results in me feeling lonely. As I mentioned in my first comment in this thread, he has been working a lot. It came to a point we see each other every two days (2h time?), and have barely any meals together like we sacredly did before ( my father always found dinner time important for talking, check-in with the family, plus quality time).

Above this, I've discovered it's not just anybody that can make me feel better about myself (validation), it needs to come from someone I care a lot for = friends, or family. Acquaintances and strangers don't do the job, even if they may thank me for the little actions I've performed for them.
 

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That's the issue. One can't simply get rid of their brother. It's stuck forever, hahahaha. This is what I am trying to respect (his alone time = boundaries), but I've always had this issue in the family, and my father also told me multiple times that I ''fed off his energy''.

My parents have been away for many months now (personal reasons), and as I only have a few close friends nearby and my brother at our house, I run out of people I can go to rapidly. This results in me feeling lonely. As I mentioned in my first comment in this thread, he has been working a lot. It came to a point we see each other every two days (2h time?), and have barely any meals together like we sacredly did before ( my father always found dinner time important for talking, check-in with the family, plus quality time).

Above this, I've discovered it's not just anybody that can make me feel better about myself (validation), it needs to come from someone I care a lot for = friends, or family. Acquaintances and strangers don't do the job, even if they may thank me for the little actions I've performed for them.
I have a 1w2 or 2w1 friend whose lack of boundaries and lack of concern for when he's irritating people has slowly driven me much further from him.
 

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I have a 1w2 or 2w1 friend whose lack of boundaries and lack of concern for when he's irritating people has slowly driven me much further from him.
I think I may understand what you mean, and my sibling has told me before to not push him against the wall relating to his private/personal time. That if he wants to spend time with me, he will, but that I shouldn't be 'annoying' him by wanting to 'force him to spend time with me'.
He's a five, but you have it as your wing. How do you feel actually? Let's say, this friend of yours, a 2, feels 'neglected' by you because you refuse to give him more time/any time as you see fit. Yes, I get that it should be an understood matter, but what about our needs, as well? The lovely time we want to spend with people we cherish, to eat together, and have frequent conversations (from the most casual to the deepest ones).

This is not meant to offend in any way. But given how frustrating of a matter this is, more external insight would be appreciated.
 

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How do you feel actually? Let's say, this friend of yours, a 2, feels 'neglected' by you because you refuse to give him more time/any time as you see fit.
Well lets put it this way: if I were to answer all his 10+ phone calls in a day give him even close to as much attention as he desired, then I would just be extremely pissed off all the time and it would be a detriment to my own inner peace and happiness. When I used to try harder with him, and for example answer all his phone calls, I was always very angry at him.
 
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That's the issue. One can't simply get rid of their brother. It's stuck forever, hahahaha. This is what I am trying to respect (his alone time = boundaries), but I've always had this issue in the family, and my father also told me multiple times that I ''fed off his energy''.

My parents have been away for many months now (personal reasons), and as I only have a few close friends nearby and my brother at our house, I run out of people I can go to rapidly. This results in me feeling lonely. As I mentioned in my first comment in this thread, he has been working a lot. It came to a point we see each other every two days (2h time?), and have barely any meals together like we sacredly did before ( my father always found dinner time important for talking, check-in with the family, plus quality time).

Above this, I've discovered it's not just anybody that can make me feel better about myself (validation), it needs to come from someone I care a lot for = friends, or family. Acquaintances and strangers don't do the job, even if they may thank me for the little actions I've performed for them.
That dinner thing... it might be a way for you to spend more time with him. See, everybody needs to eat, and eating good food is not only nutritious but also good for mental health. There's a chance he recognizes he needs to eat.

If you cooked a couple meals or split cooking meals with him, could he appreciate that? It might take you an hour at first to cook a nice meal, but if you're good at it maybe it'll only take thirty minutes. You'll also get about as much time with him over dinner.

I hope you get the love you need.
 

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Well lets put it this way: if I were to answer all his 10+ phone calls in a day give him even close to as much attention as he desired, then I would just be extremely pissed off all the time and it would be a detriment to my own inner peace and happiness. When I used to try harder with him, and for example answer all his phone calls, I was always very angry at him.
I understand your point. I also told him I want him to want to spend time with me willingly, not forced to do it.
The experience you shared seemed to have been awful, it wasn't enjoyable for you, while it needs to be for both.
 

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That dinner thing... it might be a way for you to spend more time with him. See, everybody needs to eat, and eating good food is not only nutritious but also good for mental health. There's a chance he recognizes he needs to eat.

If you cooked a couple meals or split cooking meals with him, could he appreciate that? It might take you an hour at first to cook a nice meal, but if you're good at it maybe it'll only take thirty minutes. You'll also get about as much time with him over dinner.

I hope you get the love you need.
I appreciate you writing this, but if you read my comment above. We have not eaten any meal together for a few days now, maybe a full week even? In the morning, I leave for school at 7 AM, he is not awake. Then, I arrive home at 5-6 PM, and my brother is at work. I need to sleep by 10-11 PM, and most of the time he arrives at 11:30-12:00 in the night.
It can get hardcore when all you have is messages while living with someone, your ''anchor'' now that your parents have been away for the longest time. He told me he's overworking himself so that he can accomplish his goal of buying himself a car after he passes his driving test. Things will go back to normal when he resumes working only 3 days a week when we both can cook depending on the day and willingness to (tiredness, motivation), and see each other after school.

Right now, it is just hard, you know. And I wish I could go to friends, but they don't know what has happened with my father, so the only person I can confide in when feeling lonely/helpless is my brother, yet he's away to pursue his goal, and I respect it. I just need to kill myself a little bit, this ugly need for love and attention. And hell, to type 5, above all.

Also, thank you so much for wanting to help. It meant a lot.
 
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