it seems like a great deal of your "3-ish" tendencies are really 2-ish tendencies. you work very hard to win the admiration and love of others, 3s are more in it for themselves and their own prestige/status, like
@Torai was saying. I think you care a lot more about love and relationships than you do acclaim.
Umm .. well .. duh. I'm an ENFJ. If you read both descriptions [even from the Jungian model alone], you'll notice a great deal of over-lap between Enneagram Type 2, and FeNi.
But what you said about "being in it for myself" ... is absolutely true. Helping people [other than my absolute closest friends], being supportive is a goal. For example, if a friend asks me to go out of my way to help her, the first thing I look at is how doing so would benefit both of us in the long run. Whether or not it fits in with my overall expectations of the friendship. If I don't help someone, then chances are no one else will ... but if there's someone else to do it, then I don't do it.
Friendships are important to me [aren't they to everyone?], but I like to keep them at my own pace and get plan/schedule when I want to get involved - until and unless its an extremely pressing need. I usually only seek company when I'm stressed, depressed or have nothing to do. At the moment, I'm unemployed and searching for work --- so in the meantime, I've made it my goal to learn how to relax, re-learn how to have relationships - which is what you're seeing in the forum.
3 years ago, I was completely engrossed in my work and marriage. There were only 2 goals in my life ... to succeed at my job and to be loved by my wife. They were conflicting goals, because succeeding at my job required workoholism, whereas succeeding at marriage meant that I gave my work less time. The conflict created a lot of confusion, conflict and arguments where I became completely fractured with my wife and told her to leave me because she just wasn't fulfilling the visions I had for my life. I was becoming 2 different people, and I was losing complete sense of myself. I needed to reflect on my own identity ... come to terms with how I really am and hence I explored this forum and have explored every nook and cranny of my personality.
Here's a little secret. When I first joined PerC, I saw the list of top posters. That moment, I got the urge to become the Member of the Month, as well as the #1 poster on PerC. And voila .. I made both things happen. Being anything but #1 doesn't compute. I have to be the best. I went to the best business school in the country, I joined the best Television Network in the country.
However, in 3w4-like fashion, once I reach my goal .. I'm almost always like "Oh man .. this doesn't feel as great as I thought it would" - and I find myself introspecting about my true worth as opposed to the worth others see in me. Lastly, I put on all kinds of masks ... the only person to have ever seen my real self is my current SO - and she believes I'm a 3w4. I shared the Enneagram with my mom and she confirmed I'm a 3 --- I also disintegrate to a 9 which is why I spent months trying to relate ... but the fact is .. that trying to relate and seeing all those different personalities within my personality is a sign that I'm a 3.
At the same time, I like to be envied by others. When it comes to my career, I do like helping people, but I'm much more focused on the end result. I don't mind stepping on a few toes, crushing a few egos if it leads to my own success ... but not to the point of doing anything wrong. I have an ethical/moral core which I don't deviate from [which may perhaps indicate that I may be more 1w9 than 8w9] - but I'm also extremely aggressive and confrontational.
I've faced a lot of failure that I don't want to talk about right now ... and also struggling with a disability which fucks my goals up every now and then. If I didn't have the disability, I KNOW I would've been one of the top Marketing Directors in Pakistan as I was meant to be - and we wouldn't even be having this discussion.
And this is just not my career --- I like to be respected and admired. I like positive, real and deserved validation and affirmation ... but first I have to go out there and do something in order to earn it. And that validation does not have to come from having good relationships, or helping other people. It could be success at anything. It could be being appreciated for a new composition, a new poem. An article. A post on a forum. Everything adds a sense of completion to who I am and becomes a part of my little successes/achievements in life. Also, just being part of a successful venture, organization, top organization feeds back into my own sense of satisfaction and achievement. I look for little things to boast about, brag about - and they're not revolved around people.