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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I don't see how to delete this, so just edited to delete my original post. It was really negative and while I was in the headspace of wanting to find others who could relate and comfort me, and not trying to cause harm, upon reflection I was unintentionally spreading some negativity about our type and I don't want to do that. I've been dealing with depression and feeling crappy about myself, and at first reading about the negative aspects of fours made that 200% worse because I was fixating on my flaws, and then some other posts here about how relationships can be challenging for us, and I just spiraled a bit. BUT, in trying to be more self-aware I realized that my post criticizing myself so harshly for some of my 4 type traits may affect the actual-real-life-people-on-the-other-side-of-the-screen who may be prone to some of the same traits as well, and I don't want to do that. Hey, growth! lol.

Anyways, I deal with a lot of the same challenges others have brought up here, but I am trying to be aware of them and call out my own crap where needed, and that is all we can really ask of ourselves right? Just to try to be our healthiest selves, to be accountable when we realize we could have handled a situation better, and to express the best in us instead of only fixating on the worst. In my original post I ruminated about being in a relationship with (and recently marrying) someone I believe to be a 2 (though they may be a 9), and worried about our long-term potential based on some of the stuff I'd been reading. But upon reflection, I'm seeing the beautiful bits of our relationship that come from our types- I am teaching him how to advocate for himself more and helping him figure himself out more deeply and bring a lot of whimsy and fun to our everyday life, he helps me to feel more comfortable connecting to others, and to lighten up and be in and appreciate the moment, and also the way he's so good and kind to others and patient with me inspires me to grow as a person in terms of being more helpful to others as well.

Instead of reading things that point out the negative and deciding that we're doomed, I'm understanding that shining a light on those things can really help us grow as a couple. For example, I'm very prone to imaginative longings for something I think is missing, or fixating on ideals of how I think things "should" be. So that if we have a normal, "boring" night or weekend, instead of the perfect snapshot of us constantly collapsing into each other belly laughing all romantic, or doing something really interesting and different that particular day, I panic and assume that the magic is gone from our relationship, that he has or will grow bored with me, that something must be underlying wrong and we're no longer in love or some other catastrophic scenario. Or I'll get these idealized daydreams of what life "could" be like, often based on how I perceive others lives to be based on movies or social media or whatever, and I'll worry that if my life doesn't look exactly like that I'm doing life wrong. Nevermind the fact that I'm so often so happy with just the little things in life together, or that he is the best friend I've ever had and we love and support each other and have so much fun together, one runaway thought and I'll let it derail everything else. Being really aware of those things and knowing to recognize them and take a step back, I think will be good for us. Likewise, can be applied to all areas of my life, and maybe yours too if you share some of those traits.

In my original post, I ended with asking if anyone could offer a more hopeful perspective. I just wanted to return to offer my own, and to shine a more positive light on things. Thank you for this safe space to share ideas and our journeys with some of these things together.
 

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For example, I'm very prone to imaginative longings for something I think is missing, or fixating on ideals of how I think things "should" be. So that if we have a normal, "boring" night or weekend, instead of the perfect snapshot of us constantly collapsing into each other belly laughing all romantic, or doing something really interesting and different that particular day, I panic and assume that the magic is gone from our relationship, that he has or will grow bored with me, that something must be underlying wrong and we're no longer in love
i struggled with something like this earlier (and still so, partly) in my relationship with my current girlfriend, where there was an internal quandary of sorts. She's a great person really, but the total opposite of the type that I would typically desire in the past, which tended toward ppl that (in retrospect) were more-or-less emotionally unavailable. The type of person possessing a certain form of joie de vivre, exciting, sophisticated. Worldly. Sexy in unique ways. Maybe I could feed off their 'happiness', or maybe I could find some false sense of security with my idealized self, as my own mother quipped occasionally, "yep that's my son, champagne taste and a beer budget".

It took a lot of heart-ache, gut wrenching failure and substance-abuse, I wanted to hurt, to bounce off the bottom, over and over, ashamed and alone, clinging to my own fantasies, reshaping them to go back in to experience another self-inflicted burn. I've made so many poor choices in life, but I was working with the "information" i had at the time, however naive or weak. And this was when I already knew about the E-types!

But enough about that. My current gf is an sp, like me. We meet over these shared things and it's wholesome, slow, if not utterly domesticated. It's safe. And I love her for it, because it's what I need(ed). Better still, she's an E1, pretty nearby to your mate. But I've had to learn that the beauty of a functional relationship isn't what feelings i attach or how I solely define it. I say that because she isn't a passionate sort of person! She's not making it obvious and I can't (shouldn't) invent what scale it registers upon. I've already demonstrated (to myself) a fractured relationship with reality. What I'm learning is that I am doing better by accepting my mate and communicating my need for 'the emotional juice'. But I can't do it the old way, I have to allow for them to respond and to respect their person and limitations. I have to wait for her to find her own attraction and passionate moments and be un-selfish enough to meet them, to not act, but to invite. A good viscous cycle. To not break it just to garner a reaction bc i'm experiencing a need that is unreasonable or unrealistic.

I never wanted a boring life, but maybe part of my problem was that in trying to avoid the mundane or a perceived lack of attention, I ended up with a self-destructive one. I was simply projecting the 'broken me' on everything else, looking past or missing out on so many opportunities that could have been good for me. I'm literally ashamed to admit the length of this list. The more I accept this, the more I find her attractive for simply accepting me and that's "a good thing".
 
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