Personality Cafe banner

1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I had a profile on here once long ago, but never did much with it, just thought I'd start over. I'm an INFJ type 4w5. Long story short I've been going through a lot of (positive) life changes over the last year. I put a lot of distance between old relationships that I feel no longer really benefit me, but I haven't made many new friends. Which isn't too big of a drag, I'm an introvert after all, but I'm getting a little sick of not having anyone to talk to. My INFJ brain always feels like I'm bothering people if they don't seek me out first. I know I'm probably being way too in my head about it, but help me out here cuz I'm just so lodged in myself right now. I guess I feel like starting online would just be a better way of easing myself out of this rut that I am in. Anyway, I like 8's and they seem to like me, I don't think I know enough of them IRL. I seem to attract a lot of 6's but I'm getting so fed up with them. I'm a strong person, so y'know how they can be; they tend to glob onto you – I'm so over that. I guess after that I have a handful of 2's and 3's that I talk to the most regularly. But, I really feel like I could use some 8 energy right now.

Anyone care to talk to a 4 who's made and is making significant strides in their life and career but at the cost of their social life?

We could rag on 6's.... I know they bother you ;P
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,385 Posts
I had a profile on here once long ago, but never did much with it, just thought I'd start over. I'm an INFJ type 4w5. Long story short I've been going through a lot of (positive) life changes over the last year. I put a lot of distance between old relationships that I feel no longer really benefit me, but I haven't made many new friends. Which isn't too big of a drag,
great :)

I'm an introvert after all, but I'm getting a little sick of not having anyone to talk to. My INFJ brain always feels like I'm bothering people if they don't seek me out first. I know I'm probably being way too in my head about it, but help me out here cuz I'm just so lodged in myself right now. I guess I feel like starting online would just be a better way of easing myself out of this rut that I am in.
i thought 6 and 4 was supposed to be a good match?

Anyone care to talk to a
person... how bout we start there.

We could rag on 6's.... I know they bother you ;P
ooooh yes.. ive got a lot to say about those sixes! whats up?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Lol. I mean, yeah, a lot of 6's end up being my friend, so I know I'm a little hypocritical, but it's their anxiety overall that really gets to me. Not to get all INFJ... but yeah, I just absorb that shit. There's no way to turn it off or block it out. The only thing you do is put distance between it or try to wash the taste out of your mouth, so to speak, by being around a different emotion or energy. I find there is such a stable, decisive energy to 8's. They can be a pallet cleanse for me in a way. It cuts down down all the noise. Right now though most of the noise is in my own head.

I've hit a lot of set backs in life; I grew up in an emotionally toxic, mentally unwell environment, and I also have dyslexia and ADD. So kind of a double whammy. I hate this expression, but I pulled myself up by my boot straps to achieve a more stable life. I thought the biggest thing holding me back was my lack of stability. And truthfully it was the biggest thing, but I guess in my journey to achieve stability I kind of got hyper focused on that and convinced myself that was the ONLY thing that was really missing. I haven't done much in the ways of being stimulating for a while now. And especially if you have ADD stimulation is vital. I've just been grinding away, determined to get somewhere in life, and all of a sudden I feel so out of steam and disappointed with myself. I'm in a good place in many ways, but I want to be in an even better place, and I don't want to stop until I'm there.

I guess as far as 6's have come into play, they can also be a tad codependent. My 6 friends have been some of the ones to really stick with me overall. And when I was really at my lowest they were there. They also are always the first to tell me how much I mean to them, and how much my advice has helped them, and how much I inspire them by tirelessly trying to be better. But now that I am better and they are just the same, it all feels rather hollow to me. Like did you ever have to read “Of mice and Men” and how George would always talk to Lenny about the rabbit farm or whatever they were eventually gonna have. But George didn't really mean any of it, he wasn't the kind of man to actually change his life, but it was a nice little lie he'd like to tell himself and Lenny. That's how it feels. When I said I wanted to do something with my life and get out of my shit town, and away from my shit family and all the other shit people I know, it wasn't some stupid little lie I would make up to just get through the day – I meant it. But they seem content with the lie. And that was really damaging in a way. Like how can you say I inspire you, when you've done nothing different, and remain scared of doing anything different? I get how hard it can be to be the first one. And in fact I was defeated for a few years, for although I really wanted a way out, I just couldn't see it. It was another 8 who was going through something similar that put himself through hell to eventually get out, that made me see the way. I couldn't see the pay off of taking on more work, I could barely handle what I had going on, and it was getting me next to nothing, how was doubling that gonna help me? But he eventually pulled it off, and I was like, ok, I see what I have to do. And then I set out to do it. It's like crossing a fast river, I totally get the fear of getting swept up in it, but I've seen someone else cross it, I know it can be done. My 6's have seen me do it. Yet they don't dare do anything truly different with their lives. I put a lot of distance between them now because of it. Although I have started up making plans with them again, it's never going to be the same. In a way trust has been broken.

Thoughts? Lol. Sorry that was kind of a rant. I guess there's a lot I need to get off my chest. Of course if you have your own 6 rants I'm happy to listen.
 

·
Grumpy old bastard
Joined
·
10,085 Posts
what was your name on this site before?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I don't entirely remember. I'm in an impatient mood these last few days so I was like, I don't remember my login info - ugh fuck it - new profile!

Besides, I didn't post much anyway. This is my attempt of being more social. Bad habit of keeping to myself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,385 Posts
haha, i feel your frustration. i have some 9 friends that do the same... ''oh wow look at you go, so inspiring, successful, etc, whatev" ... continues to do nothing except make big talk of things far away.

yeah, i totally get ya. so, having 'pulled your boots on' ... youve grown. you will need to have friends that have grown with you, or you make new friends at the place you are now and thank the ones youve left behind. its your choice to remain with those youve left, but they will eventually try to pull you back in to the same ol lifestyle... the one you left.

this is just part of the journey of life, isnt it?

ive known a few 6's. many of them in my military days, which i think is healthy environment for 6's and 8's... lots of shit talk and headbutting on the job site to flesh out any personality things. my male 6 friends tend to come under my wing once ive protected them... my female 6 friends tend to rebel against my 'authoritarian ways', especially in 2018/2019, especially in california... pulling out all the politically correct and popular words... toxic masculinity, gender based expectations... etc... they dont understand how one person can hold ultimate authority to itself... it freaks them out.

since my 'episode' about 14 months ago, ive been 'feeling' peoples emotions as well... it was normal to cry to something in a movie, but now i really feel some peoples emotions in person... ive got a friend (i think estp 9w8) and his wife (infj 6cp) ... every time i visit i feel her anxiety for about the first hour of conversation, i just have to let her rant and get it out of the way as i know its her way of getting comfortable and releasing energy. its like a confession session... lol

eh... say la v

;)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Fascinating. I've known a few 8's in my days. The one I'm currently closest with is a coworker. Our department is basically all women and a few gay men, he's the only straight dude. He kinda feels like the rooster to our hen house, so to speak. He's good rooster, so I don't mind. He does the normal 8 thing I feel like, where most peoples 'emotions' are just extra until he deems you a worthy enough person and then he can be very sympathetic. He's also I'm pretty sure the only “T” among us. Since I started in that department he has become very sympathetic towards me, and I guess all his other hens, but I don't think empathy is thing he can do. I've been in love with some 8's as well, there's been moments where we got very close to each others emotional cores, but that's really fucking intense for them. It sounds like you somehow how gained empathy.... that must be wild for an 8. How are you dealing? I mean you guys are strong people, but this is not your terrain.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,385 Posts
How are you dealing? I mean you guys are strong people, but this is not your terrain.
ive always been able to more or less understand peoples moods based on how much 'aliveness'?, posture, facial expression, movements, tone of voice, etc... the vibe.

it was really weird at first. caught me off guard. last year i was at a pho place in san jose, one of the guys at the table (entire restaurant was asian) said 'it must be nice to be white'. i kind of snuffed while i was eating but then looked over at him... it wasnt like anyhting id ever seen... i immediately knew it was envy , not hate or segregation of me. i felt sorry for the poor guy, to think so low of himself based on skin color alone. thats no way to be, but ive had this arguement many times... some people just dont get it.

now its just part of my perception i guess... i dont see it as attacks or reason to defend. i think its pity i feel.

ive shed a lot of people.

i spend more time alone
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
386 Posts
Fascinating. I've known a few 8's in my days. The one I'm currently closest with is a coworker. Our department is basically all women and a few gay men, he's the only straight dude. He kinda feels like the rooster to our hen house, so to speak. He's good rooster, so I don't mind. He does the normal 8 thing I feel like, where most peoples 'emotions' are just extra until he deems you a worthy enough person and then he can be very sympathetic. He's also I'm pretty sure the only “T” among us. Since I started in that department he has become very sympathetic towards me, and I guess all his other hens, but I don't think empathy is thing he can do. I've been in love with some 8's as well, there's been moments where we got very close to each others emotional cores, but that's really fucking intense for them. It sounds like you somehow how gained empathy.... that must be wild for an 8. How are you dealing? I mean you guys are strong people, but this is not your terrain.
It depends upon how you define empathy. I'm a getting my doctorate in psychology, so when I'm working with clients, I empathize with their pain, but I have no desire to support a malformed ego structure. When client show real pain, I can feel it in my body, and I've noticed that occasionally I feel their emotion before they do.

When they talk about intellectualized feelings, and injuries to their ego, I have little interest in supporting them, or empathizing with them. Intellectualization is an important coping mechanism, but I prefer that people differentiate between their actual emotions and the intellectualizations that they have built to protect their ego.

It's important to me because if they are in my office, there is a problem, and the problem is probably, at least in part, to the sense of self that they developed to cope with pain in their past, often childhood trauma. They've often buried the pain so deep under intellectual defense mechanisms that they can no longer access it. My experience is that until they can access it, they can't heal.

So I have empathy for the kind of pain that shakes a child's world because it penetrates my armor, and makes me feel human. I can't stay there long, but I don't have to. Once we've found that, reconnected to the wounded child, the real work can begin. Then the adult that they have become can help heal the child. My job is then just to keep them from avoiding that pain, as they have been for so long.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
The 8 that I was the closest to would insist he didn't “feel” feelings, they only came to him as thoughts. I would try to explain what it was like for me, and he was sympathetic to how other peoples feelings can really fuck me up, but I could tell he never experienced emotions the way I did. Funny you should mention the wounded child thing though. We both grew in fucked up homes, but in different ways my dad in many ways is your typical toxic, narcissistic baby boomer, and my mother.... is crazy. My family and upbringing is a whole other story. For him though his father was an abusive alcoholic, who would beat him and his mother. He was the oldest so I think he would always jump in between his father and his siblings to either stop him or take the beating for them. I very much got the sense he never really processed all the abuse. He told me once he hasn't cried since he was like 6, something like that. He wasn't bragging to me at the time, but I got the sense he was still proud of that.

But yeah, sometimes I use sympathy and empathy interchangeably, but for this post I was trying to use them as I understand them in terms of MBTI. Sympathy being able to understand a person's perspective on why they would feel what they feel, and caring about what they feel. Empathy being able to feel another person's as though they are your own. I think anybody is capable of empathy to some extent. If someone is raging, I'm sure most other people can feel the anger coming off of them. If someone is hurt and crying, I'm sure most people can experience some degree of the others sadness. I don't know if this is what it is like for you, but a lot of the time being around someone in a sad/bad mood can ruin my day. Anxious people can really get under my skin, like to the point where my skin can feel like it's crawling if the person is really anxious.

Peoples personality can come across to me as like energy. For example my INFP friend who has CTSP, is auto immune and cares a lot what people think of her has been extra spazzy lately, then she recently discovered that she is losing her hair, and may be developing alopecia. Right up until that point, she just this heavy feeling to her. Like she felt so burdened by all her cares, it kept getting heavier. And then when she found out about her hair... but like after she went through this painful procedure to try to save her hair, it was like something clicked. She put everything in to perspective. She just feels lighter now. She tells me she's doing great now and I know it, because I can just feel it. I had another friend, at least that's what she use to be, she took a dark turn and turned into abusive, toxic person. I lived with her for a time, when the dark part of her was really cementing. She made the air heavy. I would try to stay in my room whenever she was home, you could just feel this tightness when she was around. If she went out suddenly the house didn't feel so cold. People's spirits would lift.

I would describe that all as empathy. I could keep going, but I think I made my point.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
20 Posts
Can we just skip all this foreplay?
She could try using my name...

There is an "energy" you "could use" and are going to "rag on" a group of people as a shorthand to developing intimacy...? I always overestimate the capacity for change in direct proportion to underestimating a person's tendency to repeat errors, rather than correct them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
I was being tongue and cheek, y'know cuz sometimes people actually bond over a sense of humor and also commiserating
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
62 Posts
Yea we can be texting buddies if you want. Im an type 8w7 sx/so entj. Pm if your interested. Ill give you my numbervand name. Worst case scenario you hate me and block me lmao. I'll probably just try and be a positive force in you're life though. I've made any mistake you can think of.... Maybe. Hiw creative are you? Lol. But I can tell you what doesn't work. Ultimately my ideal self is someone who creates an environment for others to become their ideal self. In other words in order to like myself I help others like themselves. Hmu
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,133 Posts
Yea we can be texting buddies if you want. Im an type 8w7 sx/so entj. Pm if your interested. Ill give you my numbervand name. Worst case scenario you hate me and block me lmao. I'll probably just try and be a positive force in you're life though. I've made any mistake you can think of.... Maybe. Hiw creative are you? Lol. But I can tell you what doesn't work. Ultimately my ideal self is someone who creates an environment for others to become their ideal self. In other words in order to like myself I help others like themselves. Hmu
I feel like this is true for most ENTJs.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Top