[SweetPickles]

I recently purchased a book "The Enneagram of Parenting". The book is supposed to help you cater your parenting style to your children's disposition. It did a great job helping you type your kid. My most challenging child is a type 8w7. I have no idea what her Myers Briggs is but I'm guessing E_FP. Here are some qualities of 8 kids that my daughter shares:
- Rules other children (nice way to say bossy)
- Has a great deal of energy and strength
- Always makes her presence known
- Shows anger and dissatisfaction freely (a little too free of you ask me)
- Stubborn
- Fast-running motor (she exhausts me, for my motor is slow)
- Speaks and acts with authority (not cute coming from a 3rd grader)
- Behaves exuberantly and enthusiastically

7 Traits
- Likes to be the star (aka drama Queen look at me! Look at me!)
- Seldom misses opportunities to pocket a fascinating found object (cute)
- Likes it when company comes over
- Makes lots of friends (but the 8 can make her lose them)
- Likes to tell stories and jokes (nice trait)

Of course there is more to her than this...

Our personalities clash like crazy, I am more a CP 6 and an INFP. The book isn't so great about telling you how to deal with them when they misbehave. It states don't get into a power struggle...umm ok easier said then done. It talks about how 8's don't value manners and are really bad at taking responsibility for their behavior. Those 2 qualities are very high on my list for lessons children must learn and exhibit day to day. My 8w9 husband is far more patient with her but at times it seems he let's her get away with some poor behavior.

Anyone have 8 kids or were you an 8 child? Enneagram types can change from child to adult apparently according to this book. Any insight or tips? I love her so much but she drains me. My 9w8 son is so much "easier".

For those of you are eager to judge me negatively for this post, don't bother...unless you are a parent as well Thanks!

 

[DJArendee]

I'm an 8 child. One time my mom was trying to rush me to go to tae kwon do but I wanted to have a glass of fruit punch before we went. So I rushed down the stairs and poured a drink. She got angry and told me "don't drink that we have to go or we'll be late!" I just looked at her and started drinking slower. She was furious. I knew there was nothing she could do about it. Looking back it was kind of a dick move but I don't like being pressured. I'm guessing she's a 6 as well. At one point she told my brother, "I've given up trying to control him."

My dad is a 3. If I were my parents I'd say, punish me for the usual things: being mean, cheating, lying etc. My dad is big into manners. He's been yelling at me to "put the knife down when you eat" for the last 20 years of my life... so I'd say learn when to give up... haha. But seriously, they couldn't control me. I've always viewed myself as a saint though and I made an effort not to lie, be nicer etc when I was younger. Something got to me, I'd say it was the threat of becomming completely alienated from my own bad behavior that made me shift gears, but this theory is after-the-fact.

I've always listened to people who could give me a logical explanation for why my behavior is bad. "Don't hold the knife while eating. It makes you look like a cave man and people are going to treat you poorly and look down on you if they see you eating like that." as opposed to, "Put the knife down when you eat." "why?" "because I said so."

Not a very convincing reason why I should care. I don't care about your damn title as "parent." Its meaningless to me.

 

[SweetPickles]

Ha! The drinking slow thing is an example of something she would do. You give good advice, I have to have faith that her peers will whip her into shape as well. No one likes to be bossed around. Guess I should pick my battles wisely, 6's can be over reactive as well. Sometimes when I know she's testing me I just dismiss it or laugh, (while inside I'm fuming). If I'm calm but firm, she complains but she will respect that. When I go off the handle and yell, she complies but she'll act out in little annoying ways for weeks after bc she is mad at me.

She has to take responsibility for her actions though...people who don't do this make me insane.

Thanks for your response!

 

[DJArendee]

its possible she doesn't even think she's doing anything wrong. I've been told I need to take responsibility for my actions as well, mostly by 3's and 6's in the military. I would tend to think out loud "hmm, maybe I should have done this instead of that" and they'd say, "stop making excuses." I was never actually making excuses, just processing my mistakes in a guiltless way. I don't feel guilt unless I bully people or do something against what my conscious says. If my conscious says its ok, then I'm not going to feel guilty and I'm not going to understand what you're saying when you tell me I need to take responsibility.

Also the 3's and 6's tended to use a lot of guilt trips on me that never worked. Then they'd complain that "I don't give a shit about anything." Truth is I felt like all the stuff they were guilttripping me on was frivolous or completely irrelevant to my goals and will gain nothing. "You need to show some self respect and take care of your uniform and shine your shoes." Right, because my dress uniform appearance is going to pass my qualification test to become a pilot. I didn't give a crap. Late to formation? Who cares I would be standing around for 15 more minutes anyway. Its not so much I don't take responsibility for my actions so much as I think I'm smarter and more capable than most people and don't need to be micromanaged. So I view myself as above the mindless sheep who need that treatment and be told how to tie their own shoes.

Can you give an example of something she does?

Also I would say I shaped up because I wanted to. I saw that life as the best option available so I took it. Then again maybe god follows me everywhere I go or something. Nothing bad happens in my life, even when I try. Even when I hung out with my ESFP friends and said, "I want ridiculous shit to happen this weekend." Nothing.

 

[SweetPickles]

No, if she hits her brother or steals his money she lies about it and finds ways to blame him. She lies about her hw, she knows the rules and breaks them to see how I respond. I could go on and on...

Note: She is not always difficult, but the sad part is when she's happy she is so high energy and smothering it exhausts/scares me. I hate that I am so cold with her sometimes but warm to her brother. No doubt she senses this and it infuriates her. Our personalities just clash

PS: I left out something huge, I am her stepmother but we have full custody, her mother abandoned her but just now wants to be a part of their lives. No doubt, this plays a huge role in why she acts out toward me. This is probably too complicated for Enneagram theory to figure out. Yes they are in therapy.

 

[n2freedom]

I recently purchased a book "The Enneagram of Parenting". The book is supposed to help you cater your parenting style to your children's disposition. It did a great job helping you type your kid. My most challenging child is a type 8w7. I have no idea what her Myers Briggs is but I'm guessing E_FP. Here are some qualities of 8 kids that my daughter shares:
- Rules other children (nice way to say bossy)
- Has a great deal of energy and strength
- Always makes her presence known
- Shows anger and dissatisfaction freely (a little too free of you ask me)
- Stubborn
- Fast-running motor (she exhausts me, for my motor is slow)
- Speaks and acts with authority (not cute coming from a 3rd grader)
- Behaves exuberantly and enthusiastically

7 Traits
- Likes to be the star (aka drama Queen look at me! Look at me!)
- Seldom misses opportunities to pocket a fascinating found object (cute)
- Likes it when company comes over
- Makes lots of friends (but the 8 can make her lose them)
- Likes to tell stories and jokes (nice trait)

Of course there is more to her than this...

Our personalities clash like crazy, I am more a CP 6 and an INFP. The book isn't so great about telling you how to deal with them when they misbehave. It states don't get into a power struggle...umm ok easier said then done. It talks about how 8's don't value manners and are really bad at taking responsibility for their behavior. Those 2 qualities are very high on my list for lessons children must learn and exhibit day to day. My 8w9 husband is far more patient with her but at times it seems he let's her get away with some poor behavior.

Anyone have 8 kids or were you an 8 child? Enneagram types can change from child to adult apparently according to this book. Any insight or tips? I love her so much but she drains me. My 9w8 son is so much "easier".

For those of you are eager to judge me negatively for this post, don't bother...unless you are a parent as well Thanks!

Just curious...did you decide her type based on the book? When punished how does she typically react? Does she ever get a spanking? If so, how does she react? How old is your daughter?

 

[SweetPickles]

When punished she takes it extremely personal and looks at me like she wants to kill me. She will make up a crazy excuse or blame someone else, for the next two weeks she'll be really passive aggressive. She holds grudges well. No, we don't spank. We do time out or take away privileges. We also make sure to praise when she does something well, to this she replies "I know I'm awesome". She's 9...

I have been guilty of yelling which is a no no in parenting these days...this is prob the worst punishment of all and she will cry. I'm only human and have my limits...I'm willing to wager every parent has lost their temper at some point. She once told me I was scary, which amazed me. My son thinks I'm "snugly" he's 6. He just wants me to sit by him all the time, even if I'm just watching him play video games. He's low drama and if he does something wrong he sincerely feels bad where my daughter feels no guilt at all because in her head, it's not her fault. She feels like she is the victim of "mean parents".

 

[n2freedom]

How did you decide she was a type 8?

 

[SweetPickles]

The book gives a list of characteristics and behaviors each group displays.

Type 1,2,3 and 9 are the "easiest" Nines can be lazy but their temperament is usually kind. My husband and I both read it and he agreed...type 8 all the way. He's an 8w9 BTW. Her biological mother is a full on type 7w a weak 8 wing.

 

[n2freedom]

I take that to mean you type her based on the characteristics and behaviors listed in the book?

 

[SweetPickles]

Correct...

 

[n2freedom]

Don't know much about typing children with the Enneagram. But, if you believe she is an eight..... My tip would be to utilize a parenting style that incorporates freedom within limits. Anything coming across as controlling .... I would imagine she will buck the system so to speak. You're basically parenting a strong willed child. I would also imagine if she interprets anything about your parenting style as being unfair or unjust...there's going to some type of hell to pay so to speak.

I think clear boundaries are of utmost importance. And, addressing in behavior directly, openly, and honestly. I also think any criticisms should be clearly communicated as being about the unwanted behavior and not to be misconstrued as being about her. Allow her as much independence as safety, respect, and wisdom permits.

Oh yeah another thing...clearly communicating consequences ahead of time can make a huge difference when applicable. For instance, instead of saying don't play with the light switch 5 times.... and then on the six time when you are fed up ...punishment is doled out. On the second time ....I noticed that you are playing with the light switch...I told you I don't like it....next time will come with a consequence of _______.

Okay just thought of something else punishment/consequences are most effective when they are logical. Let's say for the example above she has a habit of playing with the light switch each time she passes by it. Then the blank above would be of walking past the light switch 10 times without touching it because what your behavior will say to me is that you need practice passing by that light switch without touching it.

Anyway...not sure if this is what you were looking for but good luck. Hope at least some of this will help.

 

[TreeBob]

I don't think I acted like that when I was young. We're supposed to be born into our E type as far as I read, so I don't know. Maybe I am in denial...

I am tad skeptical that one could even type a child in any personality style. I see a lot of qualities in my children, but I try not to concentrate on boxing them. I think in their formative years you can get an inkling of what they will be, but to say for sure? Oh and as a side note I would never consider an 8 to be bossy, controlling and manipulative maybe.

 

[Swordsman of Mana]

I recently purchased a book "The Enneagram of Parenting". The book is supposed to help you cater your parenting style to your children's disposition. It did a great job helping you type your kid. My most challenging child is a type 8w7. I have no idea what her Myers Briggs is but I'm guessing E_FP. Here are some qualities of 8 kids that my daughter shares:
- Rules other children (nice way to say bossy)
- Has a great deal of energy and strength
- Always makes her presence known
- Shows anger and dissatisfaction freely (a little too free of you ask me)
- Stubborn
- Fast-running motor (she exhausts me, for my motor is slow)
- Speaks and acts with authority (not cute coming from a 3rd grader)
- Behaves exuberantly and enthusiastically

7 Traits
- Likes to be the star (aka drama Queen look at me! Look at me!)
- Seldom misses opportunities to pocket a fascinating found object (cute)
- Likes it when company comes over
- Makes lots of friends (but the 8 can make her lose them)
- Likes to tell stories and jokes (nice trait)

Of course there is more to her than this...

Our personalities clash like crazy, I am more a CP 6 and an INFP. The book isn't so great about telling you how to deal with them when they misbehave. It states don't get into a power struggle...umm ok easier said then done. It talks about how 8's don't value manners and are really bad at taking responsibility for their behavior. Those 2 qualities are very high on my list for lessons children must learn and exhibit day to day. My 8w9 husband is far more patient with her but at times it seems he let's her get away with some poor behavior.

Anyone have 8 kids or were you an 8 child? Enneagram types can change from child to adult apparently according to this book. Any insight or tips? I love her so much but she drains me. My 9w8 son is so much "easier".

For those of you are eager to judge me negatively for this post, don't bother...unless you are a parent as well Thanks!

in my opinion, more of your description of your daughter stood out as core 7 than 8 (she's very similar to myself as a child hehehe)
- loves attention
- clear hedonist tendencies
- chatty/loves to tell stories
- usually enthusiastic
- focused on getting what she wants
- dramatic/theatrical, more of a taste for the frivolous than most 8s. you are clearly dealing with a little diva
- I'm not sure if 8w7s have a tendency to "make lots of friends but then push them away" but 7w8s DEFINITELY do this

not sure if she's 7w8 or 8w7, but I don't think my advice would change much either way
I'm a 20 year old male, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I would suggest
- give her plenty of space when possible. she is expansive and likes to have room to do her thing. (nothing pisses off a 7w8 more than feeling like they are trapped or that their parade is impeded on)
- make sure you are firm with her, but also fair/just. if not, and she is anything like I was as a kid, she will try to turn it around and classically condition/"train" you.
- be careful, she will probably try to classically condition you anyway and push the boundaries as far as they will go. a permissive parenting style is just not going to work
- similarly, firm discipline is essential, but she is probably the type of child who will learn very well from rewards as well
- this is not a child who "because I said so" will work on. boundaries and rules must be explicitly communicated and explained or they will not be respected
- allow her to voice her concerns and thoughts too. she will be much more cooperative if she feels she is being listened to and that her opinion is being considered, even if in the end you have the final say.
- don't lie to her, she will resent you greatly for it (and not just 7w8s, no child likes to be lied to)

 

[SweetPickles]

That's great advice but maybe I'm taking your statement, " give her plenty of space when possible. she is expansive and likes to have room to do her thing. (nothing pisses off a 7w8 more than feeling like they are trapped or that their parade is impeded on)" too literally.

I give her PLENTY of space, she's always wanting to be around me and sometimes I feel smothered or exhausted by her boundless energy. Maybe she reads that and thinks Im rejecting her and acting out bc of that.

You are right she is quite the diva and so is her bio mom (sigh). I don't want her to be selfish, irresponsible and thoughtless like her mother who abandoned her own children for her lover. She's not healthy btw and when she was a teenager (14) she ran away from homebwith some older 18 year old for a week. Her bio mom is IMO a narccisist.

I would never lie to her, her bio mom has done enough of that about her reasons for leaving her and divorcing her father (she blames him naturally).

Anywhoo great insight!

Disclaimer: I know all 7w8s aren't like what I described above.

 

[Swordsman of Mana]

@MelanieM
in that case, I think the main thing she needs is a lot of love and snuggling =)
the more attached she gets to you, the more receptive she'll be to you

 

[SweetPickles]

@MelanieM
in that case, I think the main thing she needs is a lot of love and snuggling =)
the more attached she gets to you, the more receptive she'll be to you

You are right, she's probably scared I will abandon her like her mom. She's been through a lot. I've read in books kids take their anger out on the stepmom about the divorce even if the stepmom had nothing to do with it. I need thicker skin...

 

[DJArendee]

Thicker skin, or a different perspective. I know it helps me a lot when I know the root causes of peoples' behavior. I'm often insulted by the things that are avoided and not directly said. That could just be me, though.

 

[ster]

Stumbled upon this thread.

I nanny a 6yo boy, who I imagine is an 8. I'm a 9w8, so I can understand and approach him in logical ways, which works sometimes, but this kid is relentless at times. He declares when he's mad and throws tantrums that usually look like him throwing himself onto something and spitting onto the ground, pounding his fists. An ENTP, methinks. This kid is as sharp as nails - with ADHD-like behavior. Which I embrace btw.

I can go on, but mainly I'm just here in search of methods to deal with these power-struggles and negotiations. When he gets mad, the only way to bring him out is to cut a deal with some specific reward. Sometimes he doesn't stick to his side of the bargain, even after already receiving the reward (he usually demands for the reward to be given before he'll fulfill his side of the bargain). Many times it just feels like the adults are being played into doing what he wants, after being worn down by much verbal wrestling, bargaining, negotiating, pleading, coaxing, you name it. And honestly, it takes a lot out of me to bite the bullet for him. I feel like stepping down and putting on a smiley friendly face is just another way of letting him win.

So, INFP 6, if you're still here... what have you learned works? Any stories to tell? Any parents with 8 children, please chime in.

His parents are so good to him... I feel like he can be brutally ungrateful. Eights, tell us about your parents-childhood experiences, how you felt and what worked for you. (I feel like I already know what doesn't work, although it can be situational). My brother is an 8, and I asked him, but he's not giving me advice. All he says is like. "Take stuff away from him", which, doesn't make any progress. Silly 8s.

 

[gold dust woman]

My 10 year old daughter is an 8 like her father. Very bossy and controlling. she said that she had to do more push ups and run in place longer then all the other kids so she would not appear weak. So 8. She also rules her friends and tries to push me around.