Personality Cafe banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 33 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,985 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Eights with kids, what are your parenting styles? Can you describe your protective nature towards your kids? Are you the cool parents? Please go into detail. I'm not a parent myself, and I'm ever looking to learn more about being the best parent possible for when the day comes when I do have kids, so advice is also welcome.
 

·
MOTM Jan 2014
Joined
·
11,128 Posts
I do not have kids but my philosophy in general would be to help them build strength and independence so they are able to do things on their own. To me, it is important to set a good example - be strong, be who you are, pursue your goals, do what you say you are going to do. If a kid sees that they can't trust the promises I make, why would they trust anything? Showing them trust through actions, consistency, availability and honesty is crucial.

I would encourage my kid to be exactly who they are, and seek to find their strengths and help them to deal with their weaknesses. I'd have no expectations for how a kid should turn out. If they like dance let them dance. Pay for lessons, as long as they practice, but if they don't practice of their own volition, explain that you're spending money on these lessons so if they're not interested then why spend the money? This will teach them responsibility. To own up to their decisions, to think about what they're doing. If they want me to buy something, I might challenge them by asking, "What are you going to do with it?" so they think about not only the value and importance of things, but also, how to state their case to get what they want, which will be an important skill later on.

I also think it's good to ask them to do some chores. I'm not saying my kid would be my personal slave, but I've seen what happens to kids who aren't taught to do dishes or clean up after themselves. A sense of responsibility is important; not only through example but also to demand respect just like I would demand respect from any grown adult. Aside from a very straight forward list of "this is what I need out of you," which would be some chores and for them to own up to what they say they are going to do, I'd give them as much independence as I possibly could. I'm not gonna be a total asshole to a kid who gets in trouble at school; I'd sit down with them and talk it out; they already got punished at school and suffered the consequences. The conversation would boil down to, "What were your choices? What were the consequences? What do you think could have happened if you'd done things differently? Is this really what you wanted to happen? It's up to you, but keep in mind, you control your own destiny."

I'd challenge them to think for themselves and make their choices and question them too. Trying to control a kid's every move doesn't work; they will just do what they want or lie to you, and thus grow up incapable of having an honest relationship. I would encourage dialogue about rules; if I ask something of them, let them make their case about why they don't want to do it. Talk it out. I'm willing to explain rules if they're mature enough to understand. "Because I said so" didn't make sense to me when I was a kid, and I wouldn't disrespect my kid with that nonsense either. They will respect me if they understand where I'm coming from. Of course if a kid is being especially difficult and has no clear case for themselves, I would just enforce what I need to... but hopefully my kids would see the example of loving, trusting parents and it wouldn't come down to power-struggles. As a strong person, I have power; I don't need to prove it, my strength would speak for itself. If I act like a child then that speaks for itself. There is no need to flaunt power to a kid. In truth, I don't have any "power over them" because I'd love them & therefore be invested in their well-being; so they'd have quite a hold on me, wouldn't they? ;) The desire to get what we want out of the relationship would be mutual, and what we would both want, is for that kid to flourish. It's teamwork. I'd want my kid to know I have her back, I'm on her team. Love is not about power. Love is about dialogue, acceptance, forgiveness, commitment. Trust. Being thrust into a power-struggle with a parent would make my kid turn out as an 8, and we wouldn't want that, would we? :wink:

It's amazing how much I've thought about parenting philosophies considering I have no particular plans to have kids. Between my strength and commitment to my own integrity I believe I would make a good parent, but I also recognize that a lot of parenting is unpredictable, the child brings their own strengths & weaknesses, and many things can happen. Parenting style is a real testament to a person's character.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,985 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
@Animal, those are some very good points. I'll have to read it again as I was a bit rushed due to having to go to work real soon lol... :p
 
  • Like
Reactions: Animal

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,611 Posts
My nephew's dad is most likely a 8w7 ENTJ. He pushes my nephew very hard. It's partly a Russian thing. He's big on the "you got a low grade in math; therefore, I will not let you XYZ." IMO, he's sometimes too hard on the kid, but he's a very good/dedicated father. It's clear that my nephew really looks up to him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,225 Posts
I have an 8 father. I think absent would describe his parenting style during my childhood best. He always worked a real lot. Don't get me wrong i love being from a rich family, all due to my father, but it would have been nice to have any kind of interaction with him during my childhood that wasn't :

A Ohhh i am so proud of you i love you here come take this gift i've bought you to make myself feel better for being absent and blowing up all the time
B RAHH RAHH RAHH YOU BROKE SOME ARBITRARY RULE I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT RAHH RAHH RAHH

Needless to say my 8 father is the sole reason i myself am an 8. My 9 mother made me an 8w9 tho, instead of an 8w7 like him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,985 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
I have an 8 father. I think absent would describe his parenting style during my childhood best. He always worked a real lot. Don't get me wrong i love being from a rich family, all due to my father, but it would have been nice to have any kind of interaction with him during my childhood that wasn't :

A Ohhh i am so proud of you i love you here come take this gift i've bought you to make myself feel better for being absent and blowing up all the time
B RAHH RAHH RAHH YOU BROKE SOME ARBITRARY RULE I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT RAHH RAHH RAHH

Needless to say my 8 father is the sole reason i myself am an 8. My 9 mother made me an 8w9 tho, instead of an 8w7 like him.
Definitely we are influenced by our parents, but I think that we are a set personality type before even meeting them, and we develop over time, but there is part of us that is...us, and nobody else. I don't think that your 8 father is the sole reason why you are an 8 as well, but definitely sounds like he contributed.
As for being absent, well my dad is a 1, and absent describes part of his parenting style as well. Sorry to hear that your father was like that, but I know that some 8s are very involved with children.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,329 Posts
@Animal it seems like you've given parenting a lot of though. However... Considering kids don't think about money quite like adults do, don't you think asking kids questions like that might just make them feel guilty for wanting presents? I know that, as a kid, if my mom had said, "I'm spending money on x, so do you really want it?" I would have taken that as "you better be damn good at this or stop wasting my money, brat!" and opted out. And if she had asked me what I was going to DO with the things she got me, I would have felt like any reason I give might not be good enough and quickly learn never to ask for anything.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Animal

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,299 Posts
Eights with kids, what are your parenting styles? Can you describe your protective nature towards your kids? Are you the cool parents? Please go into detail. I'm not a parent myself, and I'm ever looking to learn more about being the best parent possible for when the day comes when I do have kids, so advice is also welcome.
My parenting style: Freedom within limits. I believe children need freedom to make their own mistakes and to trust their own instincts/decision making skills. I also believe limits need to be there to serve as boundaries for what is acceptable and unacceptable. I can be hard on my son when it comes to education because I believe knowledge is power ... education can be formal or informal....I just firmly believe being a life long learner is imperative ...and I tend to come on very strong in this area of life and parenting.

As far as discipline.....any negative consequences are met with logical consequences. However, I have been known to lose my biscuits over issues that are related to being untrustworthy and trifling in nature.

Protective nature: The older my son gets the more I equip him with the tools and knowledge to protect himself and advocate for himself. However, I will do whatever is necessary to protect him but not to the point where he doesn't learn how to protect himself. He needs to have as many various experiences as possible to learn how to adapt and protect himself. I won't always be around.

Cool Parent?: Not sure how to answer this one as it is subjective in nature. But, my son is pleased with me as a parent...based on his feedback. He just thinks sometimes I'm too tough on him and that when I get angry I'm scary. However, he also has indicated my anger has gotten a whooooole lot better. :)

Being a parent doesn't come with an owner's manual...I think the best gifts any parent of any type can give a child is love, patience, understanding, and to be self-aware and work to the best of their abilities to heal any emotional woundedness, irrational patterns of thinking, and childhood issues, drama, trauma, and/or abuse, patience.
 

·
MOTM Jan 2014
Joined
·
11,128 Posts
@Animal it seems like you've given parenting a lot of though. However... Considering kids don't think about money quite like adults do, don't you think asking kids questions like that might just make them feel guilty for wanting presents? I know that, as a kid, if my mom had said, "I'm spending money on x, so do you really want it?" I would have taken that as "you better be damn good at this or stop wasting my money, brat!" and opted out. And if she had asked me what I was going to DO with the things she got me, I would have felt like any reason I give might not be good enough and quickly learn never to ask for anything.
I see what you mean. It depends on the age. At a certain age it's appropriate for them to think about reality and at another age it isn't. I'd have to feel it out. Also, no matter how much I think about parenting, I really don't know because I would respond and react to each kid as an individual person rather than living by some set of rules or ideals. When I wrote that, I was thinking more of a kid who was 8 years old or 12, who asked for a lot of presents. If the kid is modest and never asks for anything it's a whole other approach. Know what I mean?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,225 Posts
Definitely we are influenced by our parents, but I think that we are a set personality type before even meeting them, and we develop over time, but there is part of us that is...us, and nobody else. I don't think that your 8 father is the sole reason why you are an 8 as well, but definitely sounds like he contributed.
As for being absent, well my dad is a 1, and absent describes part of his parenting style as well. Sorry to hear that your father was like that, but I know that some 8s are very involved with children.
I only partly agree.

I think mbti types are pretty much something you are born into, but enneagram are much more about neurosis and the influences you get in early childhood. Enneagram is the why, mbti is the how. The how is predetermined, the why is shaped by the how and your childhood.

So yeah, there is a kernel of predetermination in my 8ness, but i probably could have become a 7 or a 3, depending on my parents. I do not believe i could have ever become a non-assertive type tho.

And yes, i know 8s can be great parents. My dad is a great parent at the moment, he just didn't use to be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,329 Posts
I see what you mean. It depends on the age. At a certain age it's appropriate for them to think about reality and at another age it isn't. I'd have to feel it out. Also, no matter how much I think about parenting, I really don't know because I would respond and react to each kid as an individual person rather than living by some set of rules or ideals. When I wrote that, I was thinking more of a kid who was 8 years old or 12, who asked for a lot of presents. If the kid is modest and never asks for anything it's a whole other approach. Know what I mean?
Ah, that totally makes sense then. :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: Animal

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,985 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
I only partly agree.

I think mbti types are pretty much something you are born into, but enneagram are much more about neurosis and the influences you get in early childhood. Enneagram is the why, mbti is the how. The how is predetermined, the why is shaped by the how and your childhood.

So yeah, there is a kernel of predetermination in my 8ness, but i probably could have become a 7 or a 3, depending on my parents. I do not believe i could have ever become a non-assertive type tho.

And yes, i know 8s can be great parents. My dad is a great parent at the moment, he just didn't use to be.
This couldn't be entirely the case or all children from a set of parents would be the same enneatype. If they had ten children they might all be 8s, and completely because of their parents. Instead we see a range of types, often very polar, in most families.
I agree that parents have a lot of influence, and can definitely make you develop a wing, or develop in you traits of their type, but they cannot change who you are.
 

·
MOTM Jan 2014
Joined
·
11,128 Posts
This couldn't be entirely the case or all children from a set of parents would be the same enneatype. If they had ten children they might all be 8s, and completely because of their parents. Instead we see a range of types, often very polar, in most families.
I agree that parents have a lot of influence, and can definitely make you develop a wing, or develop in you traits of their type, but they cannot change who you are.
*swings my 7-wing like a flag*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,225 Posts
This couldn't be entirely the case or all children from a set of parents would be the same enneatype. If they had ten children they might all be 8s, and completely because of their parents. Instead we see a range of types, often very polar, in most families.
I agree that parents have a lot of influence, and can definitely make you develop a wing, or develop in you traits of their type, but they cannot change who you are.
And i agree. I did not mean that i copied my father. It is often written that 8s start out as idealistic happy go lucky children who at some point gets robbed of their innocence by something, coming to percieve the world as an inherently unfriendly place that needs to be conquered and controled in order to find safety. Furthermore eights at their core strive for autonomity, freedom from anything or anyone with power to hurt them. Well, to me all that was my father. He was the robber of innocence, through his violent outbursts and volatility. He was the hostile world around me.

I just happened to be a child with the pontential to develop into an 8, so i did because i had all the incitaments to do. If i was a more withdrawn child inherently i believe i could have become a 5 under the same circumstances. With another kind of upbringing i might have become a 7.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,985 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
And i agree. I did not mean that i copied my father. It is often written that 8s start out as idealistic happy go lucky children who at some point gets robbed of their innocence by something, coming to percieve the world as an inherently unfriendly place that needs to be conquered and controled in order to find safety. Furthermore eights at their core strive for autonomity, freedom from anything or anyone with power to hurt them. Well, to me all that was my father. He was the robber of innocence, through his violent outbursts and volatility. He was the hostile world around me.

I just happened to be a child with the pontential to develop into an 8, so i did because i had all the incitaments to do. If i was a more withdrawn child inherently i believe i could have become a 5 under the same circumstances. With another kind of upbringing i might have become a 7.
Robbed of innocence or not, if you are an 8 you are an 8. Healthy 8s are very polar to unhealthy 8s, which maybe where you got your idea from. Your comment is similar to another I once heard, which was something like "A true musician has suffered"...do you believe all true 8s have suffered? (and I'm talking about really suffering)
 

·
MOTM Jan 2014
Joined
·
11,128 Posts
@He's a Superhero! @DiamondDays

What is being argued here is nature vs. nurture. Naranjo posits that a type 8 is most often in a family with a type 8 father. A type 2 woman is most often in a family with a doting type 7 father. And so on. Other theorists posit that one's enneagram core is strictly their inborn nature. I have no opinion personally; I see a clear basis for both arguments and I have not done sufficient research to form an opinion. In fact this is a larger question than enneagram; something I've always wondered, and twin studies cause me to lean towards nature over nurture (ie, twins separated at birth end up with the same car, same wife name, same job, same look, etc) ... but I also know people are drastically affected by their upbringing in a myriad of ways. @Boss, I know you have insight or opinions on this topic?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,540 Posts
I am with RH and others. Type is in-born. I've written at length about this elsewhere. I am not in the mood to reiterate. I'll quote RH.
Everyone emerges from childhood with one of the nine types dominating their personality, with inborn temperament and other pre-natal factors being the main determinants of our type. This is one area where most all of the major Enneagram authors agree—we are born with a dominant type. Subsequently, this inborn orientation largely determines the ways in which we learn to adapt to our early childhood environment. It also seems to lead to certain unconscious orientations toward our parental figures, but why this is so, we still do not know. In any case, by the time children are four or five years old, their consciousness has developed sufficiently to have a separate sense of self. Although their identity is still very fluid, at this age children begin to establish themselves and find ways of fitting into the world on their own.
Thus, the overall orientation of our personality reflects the totality of all childhood factors (including genetics) that influenced its development.
This is an interesting article:
Articles: The Enneagram of Psychological Birth:putting Mahler?s Model to Work for Spiritual Transformation
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,225 Posts
Robbed of innocence or not, if you are an 8 you are an 8. Healthy 8s are very polar to unhealthy 8s, which maybe where you got your idea from. Your comment is similar to another I once heard, which was something like "A true musician has suffered"...do you believe all true 8s have suffered? (and I'm talking about really suffering)
No, but i think very close to every eight grew up with the feeling that they had to fight the world to get what they wanted. If that feeling is warranted or not differs on a individual basis obviously.

@He's a Superhero! @DiamondDays

What is being argued here is nature vs. nurture. Naranjo posits that a type 8 is most often in a family with a type 8 father. A type 2 woman is most often in a family with a doting type 7 father. And so on. Other theorists posit that one's enneagram core is strictly their inborn nature. I have no opinion personally; I see a clear basis for both arguments and I have not done sufficient research to form an opinion. In fact this is a larger question than enneagram; something I've always wondered, and twin studies cause me to lean towards nature over nurture (ie, twins separated at birth end up with the same car, same wife name, same job, same look, etc) ... but I also know people are drastically affected by their upbringing in a myriad of ways. @Boss, I know you have insight or opinions on this topic?
I believe that there is a lot to nature, but i really think that enneagram is closely related to nurture. MBTI is a big part of the picture, even though it is very uninteresting since it is so static. As i argued earlier i think that MBTI is predetermined and enneagram is only partially inborn but mostly shaped by nurture.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,299 Posts
@He's a Superhero! @DiamondDays

What is being argued here is nature vs. nurture. Naranjo posits that a type 8 is most often in a family with a type 8 father. A type 2 woman is most often in a family with a doting type 7 father. And so on. Other theorists posit that one's enneagram core is strictly their inborn nature. I have no opinion personally; I see a clear basis for both arguments and I have not done sufficient research to form an opinion. In fact this is a larger question than enneagram; something I've always wondered, and twin studies cause me to lean towards nature over nurture (ie, twins separated at birth end up with the same car, same wife name, same job, same look, etc) ... but I also know people are drastically affected by their upbringing in a myriad of ways. @Boss, I know you have insight or opinions on this topic?
Scholars seem to be split over the issue some argue nature...some argue nurture. I personally believe type is due to nature. I also believe nurture (environment) determines the health range of the enneatype that a person seems to exhibit the most.
 
1 - 20 of 33 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top