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Type 9 What is Your Top Love Language?

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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was curious to see if there was a pattern in Love Languages for type 9's (or any type for that matter; but my husband is a type 9, so that's where my curiosity crept).

So, I would much appreciate your participation in the poll above! What is your #1 Love Language, type 9's!

If you do not know your Love Language, here is a Personality Cafe forum discussing the basics:

http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html
 
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Quality time. This concept is neat because it is so simple. Please correct me if I'm off base: it's basically spending time and effort on producing for people what they value most: verbal reinforcement, material reinforcement, endorphin reinforcement (touch), meaning reinforcement (quality time so they could engage with you in whatever is most meaningful to them), and effort reinforcement (acts of service). The loved one expects you to provide these things for them. If you do, they will obviously value you. So you can provide reinforcement in a desirable packaging as much as you want and the loved one will totally dig it. Basically this is a scheme for focusing relationship effort into what gives highest yield. Yet I wonder about something else.

All 5 love languages seem to have real value to a person. They ask for
one because they feel very deficient in one, or because they are too afraid to ask for more (people who settle for words because they can't imagine acts of service and think time is just not possible as lives are busy and distractions plentiful). So, perhaps, once you know your love language, the point is not to demand it from you loved one. Obviously it is the thing you feel so deficient in you are willing to tax your loved one to do it for you even if they don't really
want to. Perhaps you need to learn to meet your partner half way and
learn to satisfy your own needs mostly in that domain, so your partner
have energy left to spare to balance his or her efforts toward you in all
5 love languages, instead of feeding your addiction by focusing on just one.

Thoughts and feelings please....
 

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So this morning in bed my husband had already put his arms around me when two small children burst in to join us-- or, specifically, ME, EVERYONE wanted to cuddle with Mommy, so this involved lots of pushing and jabbing and climbing and the hubby asking "Why doesn't anyone want to cuddle with DADDY?" which is exactly the point I'm getting to: I have an excess of Physical Affection in my life at the moment. The truth is Physical Affection IS one of my most primary love languages when I actually look at it/take quizzes on the matter, but, much like I said about my Sx-dom in your stackings thread, it's SO OVERLY SATISFIED that it gets a bit much and I start backing away from it. The hubs and daughter both have Physical Affection as their primary language and their primary recipient of that is me, and the son actually doesn't care too much for it but he won't be left out-- the only person he DOES want Physical Affection with is me. So at times I'm just like OKAY ENOUGH ALREADY STOP TOUCHING ME I NEED TO DO STUFF!

So Words of Affirmation is a bit more important to me at this point in my life. It's the one I most like to give, and it's the one I feel the most need for. It's also the one I seem to be alone in my family with as a primary language, which is probably why I feel the most need for it. Hubs and son are Quality Time folks, and I always feel guilty because they need so much more from me than I actually feel like giving; the daughter is way into Acts of Service and Gifts (yes, as well as Physical Affection-- she's just a heavy lover in general-- I actually suspect she's developing into--or always was but it's showing up now, however these things work-- a Type 2) (the boys are both 6s incidentally); so I'm like "Somebody tell me why I have a point, please. I just want someone to tell me what's so great about me," but nobody else cares about that but me! Obviously they all love me quite a lot, but I'm hungry for affirmation in words!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Quality time. This concept is neat because it is so simple. Please correct me if I'm off base: it's basically spending time and effort on producing for people what they value most: verbal reinforcement, material reinforcement, endorphin reinforcement (touch), meaning reinforcement (quality time so they could engage with you in whatever is most meaningful to them), and effort reinforcement (acts of service). The loved one expects you to provide these things for them. If you do, they will obviously value you. So you can provide reinforcement in a desirable packaging as much as you want and the loved one will totally dig it. Basically this is a scheme for focusing relationship effort into what gives highest yield. Yet I wonder about something else.

All 5 love languages seem to have real value to a person. They ask for
one because they feel very deficient in one, or because they are too afraid to ask for more (people who settle for words because they can't imagine acts of service and think time is just not possible as lives are busy and distractions plentiful). So, perhaps, once you know your love language, the point is not to demand it from you loved one. Obviously it is the thing you feel so deficient in you are willing to tax your loved one to do it for you even if they don't really
want to. Perhaps you need to learn to meet your partner half way and
learn to satisfy your own needs mostly in that domain, so your partner
have energy left to spare to balance his or her efforts toward you in all
5 love languages, instead of feeding your addiction by focusing on just one.

Thoughts and feelings please....
Sorry it took me a bit to respond (life getting in the way of my Personality Cafe addiction XD).

I guess I do not fully understand what you were trying to convey. Are you saying that a person should meet their own love language needs, so that their partner can do something else? (lol)

I think to varying degrees people will like one or all of these "love languages" done for them by their partner. My husband and I have the same love language break-down:

1. Quality Time
2. Words of Affirmation
3. Physical Touch
4. Acts of Service
5. Gifts

Although, I have a much higher skew towards both Quality Time and Words of Affirmation (while my husband has a more even distribution down the chain of love languages). With Acts of Service and Gifts meaning the least to us (we don't really feel "loved" when those languages are preformed).
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
So this morning in bed my husband had already put his arms around me when two small children burst in to join us-- or, specifically, ME, EVERYONE wanted to cuddle with Mommy, so this involved lots of pushing and jabbing and climbing and the hubby asking "Why doesn't anyone want to cuddle with DADDY?" which is exactly the point I'm getting to: I have an excess of Physical Affection in my life at the moment. The truth is Physical Affection IS one of my most primary love languages when I actually look at it/take quizzes on the matter, but, much like I said about my Sx-dom in your stackings thread, it's SO OVERLY SATISFIED that it gets a bit much and I start backing away from it. The hubs and daughter both have Physical Affection as their primary language and their primary recipient of that is me, and the son actually doesn't care too much for it but he won't be left out-- the only person he DOES want Physical Affection with is me. So at times I'm just like OKAY ENOUGH ALREADY STOP TOUCHING ME I NEED TO DO STUFF!

So Words of Affirmation is a bit more important to me at this point in my life. It's the one I most like to give, and it's the one I feel the most need for. It's also the one I seem to be alone in my family with as a primary language, which is probably why I feel the most need for it. Hubs and son are Quality Time folks, and I always feel guilty because they need so much more from me than I actually feel like giving; the daughter is way into Acts of Service and Gifts (yes, as well as Physical Affection-- she's just a heavy lover in general-- I actually suspect she's developing into--or always was but it's showing up now, however these things work-- a Type 2) (the boys are both 6s incidentally); so I'm like "Somebody tell me why I have a point, please. I just want someone to tell me what's so great about me," but nobody else cares about that but me! Obviously they all love me quite a lot, but I'm hungry for affirmation in words!
This makes a lot of sense! I know that when I was a nanny, I felt this frequently (having your space invaded so frequently, you just want a moment to yourself, even if it's going to the bathroom XD). Little kids are always climbing on, hugging, and touching parents, and I frequently hear mother's reporting wanting just a little less touching (they're all touched out).

So, the idea that you can over-satiate a love language, does make sense. For example, I heavily like the sub-dialect of Quality Time, Quality Conversation. But there is a point, where I do eventually get tired of talking, and might need a rest.

I think, like with anything in life, you can over-do something (just as you can under-do it).

Sorry to hear that your family does not tell you how Amazing you are more often! That can be hard. My husband is not into using his words as much (even though Words of Affirmation is his second love language as well), so we have put different systems in place to help encourage that sometimes.

For example, you can set up an appreciation jar (we just used ball jars, with labels of each persons name on them), and you can either allow a free flow of "whenever you appreciate someone, write it down and put it in the jar", or you can make a required quota of must put 1-2 appreciations in each person's jar a day. We just keep a pen and slips of paper near the jars. My husband and I use to read them aloud to one another after dinner, and empty the jars for the next day. It was nice. So, little creative ideas like that helps, if other family members are not the most experienced with using their words, or the love language of Words of Affirmation! :)
 
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Words of Affirmation & PT are probably tied at the top for me, followed closely by QT. Acts of service and gifts are much lower on the priority list for me, especially gifts. I have difficulty recognizing and/or truly appreciating those two from others, but I am working on it.
 

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Acts of service and gifts are much lower on the priority list for me, especially gifts. I have difficulty recognizing and/or truly appreciating those two from others, but I am working on it.
I don't quite mesh with gifts, either, but it wasn't until I was responding above about my family that I realized how adorable it can be when my six-year-old daughter uses it. Grown-up gift giving is so complicated with feeling obligated or was-that-really-worth-the-money or oh-great-another-Yankee-Candle or whatever, I guess that's why I feel awkward about it, but my daughter truly does use gift-giving as a love language. She's always making something for someone else, sharing or sometimes sacrificing her own treats with someone who mentioned they'd like it, and getting excited to give little random things like a sequin she found to a friend later. A couple Decembers ago she was so inspired by Christmas prep that she gathered various small toys and, like, ponytail holders and other random things of her own, wrapped them up, and took them to school just so she could give them to people.

I guess that's the difference-- gift-giving is so often used NOT in a loving sense but more in an I-feel-obliged sense, or an I'm-judging-you-so-I-hope-you'll-use-this-gift-that-will-make-you-more-to-my-liking sense, or an Admire-my-taste-and/or-my-ability-to-spend-money sense. But people who actually use it as a love language are more Hey-look-what-I-have-it-made-me-think-of-you-I-want-you-to-have-it! and that's just so much nicer.
 

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Haven't found it to be a static thing, typically fits with this though:

1 Quality Time
2
3
4
5 Acts of Service
 

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1. Quality time
2. Acts of Service
3. Physical touch
4. Gifts
5. Words of affirmation

I think for me, I love doing stuff with people, and I especially love it when they help me work of something I need to do, or occasionally help out without asking. Occasionally though.... if it’s too much I really feel guilty.
 
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I doubt I'd notice the absence of the other 4 if I had all the touch I want.

Fortunately I'm a linguist and can speak languages I don't understand.
 

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In high to low:

Physical Touch was tied with Quality Time (9 points)
Words of Affirmation (8)
Acts of Service (2)
Receiving Gifts (2)

Makes sense. I am a very physical person, so I can see that being the case for me (it's been a long time since I dated last.) Quality time just because, if I love them, I'll want to be spending time with them.

Words of affirmation mostly come in handy for me when they're telling me something they couldn't otherwise express to me. I like to hear that they love me and appreciate me, etc., etc. ..just not nearly as often as I like to be around them and feel them. Too much talking starts to feel insincere to me after a while.

Acts of service are nice but I don't want them to be away from me in order to be expressing that they love me, was the thing. And lastly, with gifts, I think I just have this mentality of "You can't buy my love" burrowed into my head. I know that isn't necessarily their objective but buying me things just feels superficial compared to my top two, in my case.
 

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I find it really interesting that physical touch is so high in type 9's (well, from this thread lol) do you guys find it comforting?

Boyfriend is 9w8 and his physical touch and quality time are tied top two. Extremely happy to oblige :laughing:.
(I'm a type 2 and mine is acts of service which he's great at meeting)
 
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Do you find touch comforting?
Extremely. I'm a teddy bear. Hugging & cuddling is like shooting oxytocin, instant good feels. Back-scratches are durian-level good.
 

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Extremely. I'm a teddy bear. Hugging & cuddling is like shooting oxytocin, instant good feels.
So happy to hear this cause I'm a very affectionate person towards my partner. How do you feel about it in public settings - do you (and any other type 9 who wants to answer) like it? Something low key like a squeeze of the hand or shoulder (by your partner) or something reassuring? My boyfriend will put his arm around me, kiss my forehead etc when we're in public which I love, as it's low key enough and comforting to me.
 
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So happy to hear this cause I'm a very affectionate person towards my partner. How do you feel about it in public settings - do you (and any other type 9 who wants to answer) like it? Something low key like a squeeze of the hand or shoulder (by your partner) or something reassuring? My boyfriend will put his arm around me, kiss my forehead etc when we're in public which I love, as it's low key enough and comforting to me.
I love hugs indiscriminately, and don't mind them in public. I've never been with anyone who likes PDA though so ... don't really have much experience of it.
 
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I find it really interesting that physical touch is so high in type 9's (well, from this thread lol) do you guys find it comforting?

Boyfriend is 9w8 and his physical touch and quality time are tied top two. Extremely happy to oblige :laughing:.
(I'm a type 2 and mine is acts of service which he's great at meeting)
As an sx 9 (well, that's what I'm going with for now,) I find I'm very much at peace when feeling connected to someone I love. For me personally, that does manifest itself as being physically close to them. The kind of bond one might receive simply by hugging someone they know they share something personal with (even if it's just a friend who's been through some of the same stuff you have.) Sorry if that's a shite explanation.
 

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My love language is definitely words of affirmation, I need a little extra outward reassurance to get through things. I don't fish for this though, because I find it abhorent and tryhard when other people fish for compliments. This is big with me because I'm inclined to insecurity, operate on a level of anxiety, try to prove myself worthy through the areas I consider to be my schtick, and going through periods where people who I'm closer to are harder on me, I become more prickly and closed off than normal.

I discovered with a special someone, physical touch is a close second. I don't have much experience with "special someones" so I'm one to talk, but I am drained without it to an extent shamefully. Though with most people, I have an aversion to being touched and pull away, and withdraw, because I'm weird like that.
 

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Physical touch for me too. I have actually read somewhere that 9s tend to like physical contact with people, and it's probably because of that fear/feeling we have of being disconnected from people, and the oxytocin rush Marvin mentioned of a nice hug probably gives us that security we need to know that we are cared for. It's a great feel. I'd give my limbs to experience snuggles with a significant other.

I discovered with a special someone, physical touch is a close second. I don't have much experience with "special someones" so I'm one to talk, but I am drained without it to an extent shamefully. Though with most people, I have an aversion to being touched and pull away, and withdraw, because I'm weird like that.
I'm actually exactly the same here in every detail. I wonder why it is that touch with some people feels so nice but touch with other people feels so uncomfortable? It doesn't seem to make much sense.
 
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