Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,054 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I am am fairly certain my husband is a 9w8, but he does not seem to fit any of the instinctual stacking descriptions (and we have checked both the 9w8 instinctual variants, as well as the 9w1 instinctual variant information).

I have already perused this "Type 9 Forum"'s sticky threads, to no avail. So, I guess what I was hoping for, was help clarifying what a type 9 (preferably 9w8) would be like as an instinctual variant SO, SX, SP?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,054 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 · (Edited)
O.k. 9's (& other lurking enneagram types). . .I know it would be a lot to ask, but I'd really appreciate a response, and would be so grateful for your input! I want to hear from you!

[attempts to rally the type 9's in the room]

Feel free to give me more information on 9w8 instinctual variant stackings SO, SP, or SX (any information you can provide on one or all of them, would be Great!)

If you prefer to go another route, and help me attempt to pin down my husband's instinctual variant stackings, I'll tell you a little bit about him:

- He is concerned with comfort, and I have to hear discussions about ergonomics in relation to many different sitting surfaces, electronics, backpacks -and otherwise- appliances and devices.
- He is quite aware of when he's hungry, tired, feeling-ill, hot or cold; & it always seems to be a national emergency. XD
- When he was younger, he was quite interested + involved in politics and sociological topics (politics was a cornerstone in his family though).
- He was a loner as a child, and did not fit in. It was not until about high school, and the beginning of college, when he dabbled with groups and group dynamics (he said he was sick of being alone). He has since gone back to being a bit more to himself, but still has the capacity to function well within a group atmosphere.
- He tends to take initiative, take-charge, and be a bit bossy + controlling when he wants something specific, or wants something to get done.
- When I met him, he took many things (sports, interests + hobbies, etc. . .) to an extreme. If he played soccer, he would come home with tore up skin on his feet, if he was interested in politics, he was really interested in politics. He did nothing halfway (though has since mellowed out, due to my out-cry for "balance").
- He is more in-touch with his anger, and anxiety than many 9's I know; & he can be quite reactive at times.
- He cares a great deal about safety, and gets uppity when he feels my or his safety is threatened.
- He packs more than I do when we go for vacation (he says he wants to make sure he has everything and anything he might need, "just in case").
- He is very particular about comfort in shoes, and has many different varieties for different occasions.
- He doesn't seem to know how to be intimate to save his life (though, this admittedly appears to come from his bad childhood upbringing, and he claims he wants to be more intimate with friends and family, but does not know how).
- He is much more able to assert his opinions, except in extreme circumstances (where manipulation, guilt, or otherwise are present), and can even hold his ground on an unpopular opinion (but usually this tends to apply more to intellectual topics, than personal or interpersonal topics).
- He likes to be challenged, and to challenge himself (his words).

I'm sure there is more I could say, but I don't want to write you too large a novel. :)

What you should know: He came from a bad childhood up-bringing. His mother was a manipulative, invasive, attention-seeking type 2, and his father was a distant, angry, not-available type 5. His family found politics to be very important, and his grandmother was a mayor, and many of the dominant women in his family were SO type (which I feel influenced my husband, making it hard to decipher what is him, and what is them). He has some intensity, and can be an intense person, but not in the realm of relationships (much to my distress as an SP/SX). However, it is hard to tell if this is naturally him, or the fact that not many individuals in his family were SX type, nor was intimacy modeled in his family environment.

We feel fairly confident he is SP first (though I am open to other interpretations from the peanut gallery), but it is just hard to figure out what his second instinctual variant type is. Is it possible he just didn't develop a second one? Or, is it possible that he is not SO second, but his family just influenced some of those tendencies? Any suggestions, advice, information, or insight would be much appreciated! Please and Thank You! :)
 

·
Heretic
5w4 9w8 2w1 Sx/Sp INTJ ESI
Joined
·
10,834 Posts
I would go as an 9w8 myself.
Sx/Sp in my own case.

Sp first seems to lay in the card here yes,
with all them comfort/survival themes and a ounce of insecurity about them being met.
As for the secondary it is hard to say. So is the political one. Being concerned with the group.
While Sx is the one intence draw towards something.
I'd say that his ability to go all in, in any activity is Sx and any inherited politic interest is just that.
So then he would be an Sp/Sx just like you.

Of course ability to show intimacy has more layers than just you instinctual stacking.
It is after all just areas of priority and don't say much about skill or interests.
Being a 9w8 he is not as shut down as an 9w1 as he has that 8 to push when necessary.
Yet this is no guarantee either. Intimacy is after all a willingness to lower the guard.
To do that one needs to confront the past hurt that he is shielding himself against.
Confront, accept and let go is a broad not very specific or helpful formula.

Start with the nines health levels and try to understand the eb and flow of 6 and 3.
The usual pattern is trying to hard to reach 3 without any surplus and crashing into 6 to recover.
 
  • Like
Reactions: o0india0o

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,054 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
That's interesting. . .

You said some really interesting things @hornet ! & Thank you for responding to my forum post! I was really eager for responses, and looking for some answers (for some reason it drives me bananas when I cannot figure something out about a person or myself).

I have a slight invested interest in hoping he is SP/SX (like me), because I worry a SP/SO cannot be intimate (and he doesn't seem to be intimate; but I worry he'll never be able to be intimate or intense in interpersonal things if he's SP/SO). I really crave intensity (my SP and SX instinctual variants are much closer, as oppose to the SX taking a distinct second place), and while my husband seems to pour intensity into hobbies and interests, I can't seem to figure out why that intensity does not stream into interpersonal relationships. He seems to think that it was never safe to put the intensity and intimacy into people, so instead he funneled it into ideas and interests (which sounds feasible), but he just doesn't seem like an SX. I thought the whole point of the SX instinctual variant was relationships, and having a merging, obsessed with intimacy (especially in conversation) feel to them?

So, maybe this stems from my misunderstanding of the subject. I assumed intimacy stemmed from having an SX stacking. Or maybe anything less than a bit intense just doesn't feel like intimacy to me?

He seems willing to lower his guard; what he seems unwilling to do, is dig beneath the surface of his past or present events. He just doesn't seem to talk about it, or think about it. When something happens, he's very distant from it. He tends to fall asleep to his own experiences and personhood (which obviously makes intimacy pretty difficult). I just assumed an SX 9 would not experience that. He also just does not have much experience talking about or noticing his feelings, or thinking more deeply about them. It's always, "I walked home, and it was raining". My interpretation of that sort of experience would be: "I walked home, and it was raining! Which was exciting, because I loved feeling the raindrops on my skin. It made me feel so alive! Which reminded me of x, y, and z in my childhood, blah, blah, blah. . ." I know I'm a type 7 (so there is more energy and chatter there), but his experience always seems to stop at the surface of it all.

I also found it interesting, what you stated about:

"Start with the nines health levels and try to understand the eb and flow of 6 and 3.
The usual pattern is trying to hard to reach 3 without any surplus and crashing into 6 to recover."


He does seem to do that. Right now, he's been really challenging himself to be responsible, and open up, and do well in graduate school (basically reaching for 3). But, he does tend to crash into 6-ish anxiety and reactivity at times. I'm not sure what any of that means (or how/if I could help him with that), but it's interesting, because I recognize his experience in what you stated.

Thanks again for the response; really interesting, and happy to have your input! :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: Inveniet

·
Registered
Joined
·
585 Posts
I just want to say that I did not reply because I'm 9w1 and I wondered if that would make a difference, so I figured if I did reply I wouldn't actually know what I was talking about, so I figured someone else might better. Also, I'm sleepy. This is an absolutely 9-ish excuse, I know. I just want to give it so that you don't feel ignored. Which is also a really 9ish reason to say something. So, hi there!
 

·
Heretic
5w4 9w8 2w1 Sx/Sp INTJ ESI
Joined
·
10,834 Posts
I have a slight invested interest in hoping he is SP/SX (like me), because I worry a SP/SO cannot be intimate (and he doesn't seem to be intimate; but I worry he'll never be able to be intimate or intense in interpersonal things if he's SP/SO). I really crave intensity (my SP and SX instinctual variants are much closer, as oppose to the SX taking a distinct second place), and while my husband seems to pour intensity into hobbies and interests, I can't seem to figure out why that intensity does not stream into interpersonal relationships. He seems to think that it was never safe to put the intensity and intimacy into people, so instead he funneled it into ideas and interests (which sounds feasible), but he just doesn't seem like an SX. I thought the whole point of the SX instinctual variant was relationships, and having a merging, obsessed with intimacy (especially in conversation) feel to them?
Well Sx is in it's root interested in sharing a relation. Nine's do disconnect a lot even if they have Sx in their stack.
I'm a Sx dom and I still do it alot. The nines issue is basically one of psychic energy deficency.
When conflict arises. Specifically conflicts of certain types that the nine has a pattern around.
The nine zones out to disconnect from the event. This takes the form of sending the attention in a direction
that seems safe and conflict free. Hence as an Sx there will be a level of intent towards some aspect of relating
to others. However this can soon become an intent. An example would be someone learning magic tricks to woo
a partner, but due to the conflicted menace of some aspect of the interaction the person stays perpetually
locked in studying magic tricks. The person is seldom conciously aware that this has become a cop out.
They just had an urge to study magic based on a feeling/impulse or vague plan.
Now a different feeling is keeping them locked in and merged with something that isn't helping unless applied.

The point is relationships yes, but a low health 9 can easily corrupt such noble intentions.

So, maybe this stems from my misunderstanding of the subject. I assumed intimacy stemmed from having an SX stacking. Or maybe anything less than a bit intense just doesn't feel like intimacy to me?
Having a focus on the relationship don't guarantee intimacy.
Intimacy is an act in space and time not an area of focus.

He seems willing to lower his guard; what he seems unwilling to do, is dig beneath the surface of his past or present events. He just doesn't seem to talk about it, or think about it. When something happens, he's very distant from it. He tends to fall asleep to his own experiences and personhood (which obviously makes intimacy pretty difficult). I just assumed an SX 9 would not experience that. He also just does not have much experience talking about or noticing his feelings, or thinking more deeply about them. It's always, "I walked home, and it was raining". My interpretation of that sort of experience would be: "I walked home, and it was raining! Which was exciting, because I loved feeling the raindrops on my skin. It made me feel so alive! Which reminded me of x, y, and z in my childhood, blah, blah, blah. . ." I know I'm a type 7 (so there is more energy and chatter there), but his experience always seems to stop at the surface of it all.
This might be Jungian related. Do you know his MBTI or Socionics type?

He does seem to do that. Right now, he's been really challenging himself to be responsible, and open up, and do well in graduate school (basically reaching for 3). But, he does tend to crash into 6-ish anxiety and reactivity at times. I'm not sure what any of that means (or how/if I could help him with that), but it's interesting, because I recognize his experience in what you stated.
Yes i've spent quite a bit of time reverse engineering my own nine experience.
Climbing the health levels is very counterintuitive especially if you follow the standard advice.
What needs to happen is that the nine need to admit that when they feel recovery
and ready for another 3'ish burn is to relable the experience as recovering.
They need to stay put and set small basic goals. Contruct safetynets where they usually fall.
Running of to the 3 casino to spend their hard earned surplus is not the way.
It must be invested in more surplus.
I can of course not give specific info as I have no idea what pattern he embroils himself in
or what the stickingpoints that happen over and voer again is.
This is a longterm project, think months and years.
Of course this is no different for any of the enneagram types, they just have different issues to deal with.
 

·
Fu Dominant
Joined
·
10,720 Posts
Hey there!

First of all, a quick note: The 9 forum, as reflective of 9s in general, is... peaceful, in that it may take awhile to get responses. It's not a personal thing against your thread, it's just something I've noticed around here. It takes awhile for people to post in threads outside of the main few venting/thoughts ones. *shrugs* Same happens for my thread, as you've noticed, lol. Maybe it's a comfort zone thing, I dunno.

That said, here's a resource you might find interesting if you haven't seen it already:

http://personalitycafe.com/enneagra...ce-thread-instinctual-variants-stackings.html

The first page goes into detail about the stackings and varients in general, and you'll find some information on how they connect with both type 7 (yours) and type 9 (his) on the second page. Hopefully that helps.

I'd say he is definitely SP dom. His second is most likely SX. First, he's a w8, so he's naturally intense in that respect. Second, it were SO instead, I don't really think he'd be accustomed to being a loner. SOs thrive on social interactions. I think SX would be a better fit because of his w8 and an SX tendency to "isolate themselves for long periods of time before reemerging. They live according to a strictly personal outlook and are not particularly concerned with the approval of others outside of their immediate concern."

This may be an interest to you. In regards to sp/sx combo:

Blind spot: Likely to neglect their desire to seek intense connections and experiences for the sake of their primary concern of maintaining physical saftey, comfort, and an orderly lifestyle, in average-healthy levels. May not have an awareness of the need to connect in a broader sense with the world, of a sense of security or in groups or of the need to seek it, or even of the need to foster approval, support, and understanding of themselves within groups they are connected with, often causing misunderstandings with allies, supporters, friends, and family members.

....

A lot of what you said in terms of "I walked home, and it was raining" just comes down to the fact that he's a 9, and has little to nothing to do with the instinctual varients. A 9 always seeks harmony, especially (though not limited to) internally. Everything in a 9 life sort of... balances out, in a way. Probably even more so with an SP dom. While he's out walking home in the rain, I doubt he's thinking of some childhood rainy day memory. Instead, he's thinking "I can't wait to get home, where it's nice and dry." And once he's there, he doesn't pay attention to the rain anymore. It was uncomfortable and annoying, and he has since solved the issue and moved on.

A 9 does not seek out conflict. 9w8s can handle it better than 9w1s, and they may even unintentionally cause some because of how blunt they can be at times, but neither are likely to actively seek it out. Negative experiences in life are chaotic. Conflicts. So once we've gotten past them, we don't care to revisit them unless we absolutely have to for some reason.

For example, I grew up in an abusive home, surrounded by alcoholics. To this day, and probably for the rest of my life, I haven't consumed a drop of alcohol. I have no problem stating these facts, because to me, that's what they are now. Just facts. I don't dwell on how hurtful the past was. I don't cry on my pillow at night. I don't burst into tears thinking about the times I was verbally abused or physically assaulted. I survived, moved on, and now I'm living my life the way I want to live it. They were wrong, and that's all there is to it.

Emotions are chaotic as well. A 9 may have a burst of joy here and there, or a burst of sadness, or anger, etc. But it's just a release valve, if you will. It keeps the pressure even. When you let off some excess steam, the pipes won't burst and explode, lol. That doesn't mean us 9s aren't intense or lack in intimacy though. We're just not as outwardly expressive about it, because again, everything tends to balance out inside us rather quickly.

My partner is a 4, probably the exact opposite of me in terms of enneagram. Our favorite movie to watch together, as cliche as it may be, is The Notebook. By the end of the movie, she's a mess (in a good way). Crying, because of how heartwarming the story is. As if she lived it herself. She really gets into it. And I love that about her.

Meanwhile, I feel very similarly about the movie as she does while it's playing. It tugs at my heart strings too, and there are times when I get teary-eyed (especially the first time I watched it). But those moments are just that, moments. As its happening. Once the credits roll, I take a deep breath, smile because it was an amazing movie experience, and that's it. I'm not the emotional mess that my 4 is, despite connecting in the same ways. I naturally default back into a more peaceful state of mind.

As a 9, I feel that we are able to find a balance within ourselves. You may feel, as other types often do, that we become 'numb' to ourselves instead. Which, I suppose is true to an extent. We really just don't linger on extremes though, that's all. We usually don't get super happy, or super mad, or super sad. We get mildly frustrated, depressed, or joyfully content instead, lol.

I'd be curious what your partner would say if you ask him how he orders food when you two go out to eat. I have a terrible time with preferences. I like just about everything, rather equally, if it's not on my specific "do-not-want" list. I order food by either liking a picture on the menu, or a reasonable price for the item, or by what my partner would like, if that's appropriate. Rarely do I ever do it because I want that item over the others due to a certain craving or anything like that. I could have just about anything on the menu and be fine with it, lol.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,054 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
All very interesting stuff @hornet! You seem really philosophical, chill, and easy to be around. I'm not sure what you do for a living, but you'd make a really good psychologist! (I get that vibe from you) :)

My husband does embroil himself in a lot of habits and patterns (the extent to which, I'm sure I'm not even fully aware), but what you're saying about those patterns would probably make more sense to him than to me (as an outsider looking in, it can be a bit of a stretch for my imagination to comprehend).

For example, I cannot imagine the idea that having a focus on the relationship would do anything but produce intimacy. XD Sometimes it's hard to imagine another enneagram type's experience; which is half of what makes these forums so interesting (especially since many people here tend to be self-aware, and able to articulate their experiences).

I'm not sure if his MBTI type; he's a bit hard to pin down (we've taken many tests). He frequently types as an INFP, but most recently, typed as an ISFJ. I don't know what to make of all of that (I have to rehash it in bursts, because focusing on it for too long can drive my brain crazy trying to figure it out). To be honest, a lot of who he is appears a bit under-developed due to his home. Both, because there were strong pushes by his type 2 mother to fulfill her desires (to make her proud by doing the various tasks that brought her attention and glory), as well as a bit of neglect by both parents to encourage him to be himself and help him process who he is and what he's interested in (which is something I try to do).

As for Socionics, I had never heard the term until joining Personality Cafe a few days ago! :)

I think he is currently (and has been for a few years) in the throws of the recovery process you discussed, but sometimes it's hard for me to tell (as my experience climbing the type 7 health ladder was drastically different from his). My approach has always been as follows:

Step 1: Reflect + Analyze. Identify the problem.
Step 2: Research said problem.
Step 3: Put a plan in place.
Step 4: Go after it!
Step 5: Mission complete.

For whatever reason, his process seems much slower and different than my own. XD Which I try to respect (even if, I don't always understand it).

As a type 7, when I hear "…long term project, think months and years." I want to have a doom and gloom party. Ugh. I'm sure you're right, but that just sounds awfully long. It's been a few years already, so maybe we're close? :D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,054 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
[Accidental Double Post]

Apologies.
 

·
Heretic
5w4 9w8 2w1 Sx/Sp INTJ ESI
Joined
·
10,834 Posts
All very interesting stuff @hornet! You seem really philosophical, chill, and easy to be around. I'm not sure what you do for a living, but you'd make a really good psychologist! (I get that vibe from you) :)
A lot of people do, I'm studying to become a childrens teacher.
I find I work best with them.

My husband does embroil himself in a lot of habits and patterns (the extent to which, I'm sure I'm not even fully aware), but what you're saying about those patterns would probably make more sense to him than to me (as an outsider looking in, it can be a bit of a stretch for my imagination to comprehend).
I see this seem to tie to the MBTI type again.

For example, I cannot imagine the idea that having a focus on the relationship would do anything but produce intimacy. XD Sometimes it's hard to imagine another enneagram type's experience; which is half of what makes these forums so interesting (especially since many people here tend to be self-aware, and able to articulate their experiences).
An example:
Having a focus on global warming doesn't necessarily stop the emissions or make the temperature drop again.
All these billion dollar sattelites studying the earth make really nice maps of where and how,
but it is easy to get lost in the data and still not achieve what you want.

I'm not sure if his MBTI type; he's a bit hard to pin down (we've taken many tests). He frequently types as an INFP, but most recently, typed as an ISFJ. I don't know what to make of all of that (I have to rehash it in bursts, because focusing on it for too long can drive my brain crazy trying to figure it out). To be honest, a lot of who he is appears a bit under-developed due to his home. Both, because there were strong pushes by his type 2 mother to fulfill her desires (to make her proud by doing the various tasks that brought her attention and glory), as well as a bit of neglect by both parents to encourage him to be himself and help him process who he is and what he's interested in (which is something I try to do).
Well okay. His excact type isn't very important in this stage either. Both of those types do share Introverted Sensing as a cognitive function. This lines up nicely with several comments you have already made.
The bad news is that introverted sensing changes slowly. Lucky for him he has a Ne dom to hold his hand.
He is going to need every bit of that to make it trough.

As for Socionics, I had never heard the term until joining Personality Cafe a few days ago! :)
Well it is the same as MBTI for all practical events and purposes. I just asked cause some know one and not the other.

I think he is currently (and has been for a few years) in the throws of the recovery process you discussed, but sometimes it's hard for me to tell (as my experience climbing the type 7 health ladder was drastically different from his). My approach has always been as follows:

Step 1: Reflect + Analyze. Identify the problem.
Step 2: Research said problem.
Step 3: Put a plan in place.
Step 4: Go after it!
Step 5: Mission complete.
I see. Well this approach would be funcional for a type 9 too.
However what needs to be identified is the rush to achieve and the paranoid retreat
when too mcuh has been accepted on the plate.
Then the milestones need to be identified and warded with safetynets.
This can be a little tricky and involves a lot of self awareness.
It is he who need to come to terms with his own anger over not being able to go where he wants.
It is he who need to examine his approach to boundaries.
Over saying yes when he really want to say no, but he feel trapped by the potential conflict.
He must face his anger, and accept it and decide to use that energy in a constructive 3'ish way,
without overextending out of fear masked as ambishion. That mad 3'ish dash is really just an
it's now or never. It is infused with the terror of feeling you are late for the race.

For whatever reason, his process seems much slower and different than my own. XD Which I try to respect (even if, I don't always understand it).

As a type 7, when I hear "…long term project, think months and years." I want to have a doom and gloom party. Ugh. I'm sure you're right, but that just sounds awfully long. It's been a few years already, so maybe we're close? :D
Close to what?
It really depends on what you are waiting for.
You have never defined this elusive word of intimacy very much.
It might help you to be more clear what this means to you.
After all this is about your expectations of what his growth process will bring.

I can't say if he is close or far away.
I can say that if he runs in circles like most people do in the enneagram then you still have some milage to cover.
The irony is that in one sense the goal is really really close.
But when you run in circles you make the mark of infinity.
Hence him grasping the eb and flow of 3 and 6 is very crusial.
Ambition and fear needs to be decoupled so that taking actions in the right direction isn't a big deal.
After all when 3 is activated feelings of shame crop up, and if you don't feel up to the task
to prove your worth in the face of those shameful feelings then fear will creep right back in.
Shame is the fear that others will know how much you have failed.
The fear this creates is a fear of the consequences of "being found out as a failiure".
What the failure is is very subjective, but there is always a big shameful image and a big fearful image
in the minds eye of the nine. This is often out of conciousness and repressed.
The pain of these two emotions and their synergy is after all the crux of the nine struggle.
It is what has drained the nine of all energy and life.
A direct confrontation is impossible without massive support and a lot of safetynets to cover the fall.
If pushed too far there will be a total withdrawal from this excistence into an inner fairytale.

serene exuberance
receptive sensuality
imaginative synthesis

conventional compliance
habitual complacence
indolent resignation

obstinate neglect
helpless amnesia
catatonic vacancy
 
  • Like
Reactions: o0india0o

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,054 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Ha Ha! @rockinlibrarian I appreciate your honesty! No excuses needed. I'm just impatient as a type 7, so I tend to do everything in my power to actively make what I want happen.

It's nice to meet you! You're the first person to welcome me to the forums in general, and I mightily appreciate that hospitality and kindness. :)

If you ever do think of something to say, feel free to chime in! As a type 9, you have more insight than I do (especially since I'm a totally different type).
 
  • Like
Reactions: rockinlibrarian

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,054 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you @ScientiaOmnisEst ! I appreciate the link to the information! It is something I have seen a couple times (seems to be the main resource I constantly stumble upon for type 9w8 instinctual stackings). My struggle with this specific information, is that the type 9w8 sp/sx description seems to be so short and fleeting compared to some of the others. It made it difficult to really get a good feel for the SP/SX variant stacking, and thus hard to confirm or deny.

I appreciate the input! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,054 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
Hey there!

First of all, a quick note: The 9 forum, as reflective of 9s in general, is... peaceful, in that it may take awhile to get responses. It's not a personal thing against your thread, it's just something I've noticed around here. It takes awhile for people to post in threads outside of the main few venting/thoughts ones. *shrugs* Same happens for my thread, as you've noticed, lol. Maybe it's a comfort zone thing, I dunno.
No worries! I appreciate you making me feel welcome though; and being so reassuring. :)

As a type 7, I just tend to actively chase after what I want (and do everything in my power to make it happen); and also, I just tend to be a bit impatient in general.

That said, here's a resource you might find interesting if you haven't seen it already:

http://personalitycafe.com/enneagra...ce-thread-instinctual-variants-stackings.html

The first page goes into detail about the stackings and varients in general, and you'll find some information on how they connect with both type 7 (yours) and type 9 (his) on the second page. Hopefully that helps.
I have not seen that resource before! Thank you! I will check it out a bit later tonight (meeting my cousin for drinks in a few). Thank you for dredging that up for me!

I'd say he is definitely SP dom. His second is most likely SX. First, he's a w8, so he's naturally intense in that respect. Second, it were SO instead, I don't really think he'd be accustomed to being a loner. SOs thrive on social interactions. I think SX would be a better fit because of his w8 and an SX tendency to "isolate themselves for long periods of time before reemerging. They live according to a strictly personal outlook and are not particularly concerned with the approval of others outside of their immediate concern."

This may be an interest to you. In regards to sp/sx combo:

Blind spot: Likely to neglect their desire to seek intense connections and experiences for the sake of their primary concern of maintaining physical saftey, comfort, and an orderly lifestyle, in average-healthy levels. May not have an awareness of the need to connect in a broader sense with the world, of a sense of security or in groups or of the need to seek it, or even of the need to foster approval, support, and understanding of themselves within groups they are connected with, often causing misunderstandings with allies, supporters, friends, and family members.
You make a lot of good points. I thought that an 8-wing would likely lead to an SX being in his variant-stacking, but then I thought that I'm sure there are 9w8 SO/SP or SP/SO. . .so I was not sure how conclusive having an 8-wing was as evidence (began to doubt myself). & He does work independently a lot, but can work on teams. Plus, he had that period of his life where he purposefully went after groups and social status (somewhat successfully). I'm sure there is such a thing as experimentation in childhood, but I feel like he's dabbled in all forms of anything a type 9 could be while growing up (I'm not so sure I could say the same for myself; not sure if this is a type thing). So, some of those finer details and variables tend to throw me. The part about not tending to need to foster support or approval is true of him (except for with certain individuals that are important to him); he is much more able to express himself and hold down an unpopular opinion than many type 9's I know.

....

A lot of what you said in terms of "I walked home, and it was raining" just comes down to the fact that he's a 9, and has little to nothing to do with the instinctual varients. A 9 always seeks harmony, especially (though not limited to) internally. Everything in a 9 life sort of... balances out, in a way. Probably even more so with an SP dom. While he's out walking home in the rain, I doubt he's thinking of some childhood rainy day memory. Instead, he's thinking "I can't wait to get home, where it's nice and dry." And once he's there, he doesn't pay attention to the rain anymore. It was uncomfortable and annoying, and he has since solved the issue and moved on.
Ha Ha. My husband and I had a good laugh when I read this out loud to him. He definitely related to what you said about the rain analogy I brought up. I guess I never imagined this as just being a type 9 thing, because I have met some type 9 SX-first's that are quite articulate with these types of emotions and conversations (hence why I assumed it had to do with instinctual variant).

A 9 does not seek out conflict. 9w8s can handle it better than 9w1s, and they may even unintentionally cause some because of how blunt they can be at times, but neither are likely to actively seek it out. Negative experiences in life are chaotic. Conflicts. So once we've gotten past them, we don't care to revisit them unless we absolutely have to for some reason.

For example, I grew up in an abusive home, surrounded by alcoholics. To this day, and probably for the rest of my life, I haven't consumed a drop of alcohol. I have no problem stating these facts, because to me, that's what they are now. Just facts. I don't dwell on how hurtful the past was. I don't cry on my pillow at night. I don't burst into tears thinking about the times I was verbally abused or physically assaulted. I survived, moved on, and now I'm living my life the way I want to live it. They were wrong, and that's all there is to it.
My husband really appreciated hearing what you had to say about your childhood past experiences, and how you handle them (I don't think he discusses or relates to others much about it); I think it was cathartic for him to hear about. He noted that he really related to how you handled the experience. (So thank you for having the courage to share such things)

For me, I tend to process such experiences through engaging them, and working through them. I need to make sure I have fully-processed the whole situation and my feelings attached to it.

Emotions are chaotic as well. A 9 may have a burst of joy here and there, or a burst of sadness, or anger, etc. But it's just a release valve, if you will. It keeps the pressure even. When you let off some excess steam, the pipes won't burst and explode, lol. That doesn't mean us 9s aren't intense or lack in intimacy though. We're just not as outwardly expressive about it, because again, everything tends to balance out inside us rather quickly.
Yes, it's the expressive part I have trouble with. For me, as a type 7, the expression part is both large and immediate. If I like or love something, you'll hear about it, see me light up, get excited, etc. . . (the same is true for something negative I experience). So, sometimes it's hard to understand the lack of outward expression for me.

My partner is a 4, probably the exact opposite of me in terms of enneagram. Our favorite movie to watch together, as cliche as it may be, is The Notebook. By the end of the movie, she's a mess (in a good way). Crying, because of how heartwarming the story is. As if she lived it herself. She really gets into it. And I love that about her. Meanwhile, I feel very similarly about the movie as she does while it's playing. It tugs at my heart strings too, and there are times when I get teary-eyed (especially the first time I watched it). But those moments are just that, moments. As its happening. Once the credits roll, I take a deep breath, smile because it was an amazing movie experience, and that's it. I'm not the emotional mess that my 4 is, despite connecting in the same ways. I naturally default back into a more peaceful state of mind.
You and your partner sound adorable together! :) I can just imagine it.

As a 9, I feel that we are able to find a balance within ourselves. You may feel, as other types often do, that we become 'numb' to ourselves instead. Which, I suppose is true to an extent. We really just don't linger on extremes though, that's all. We usually don't get super happy, or super mad, or super sad. We get mildly frustrated, depressed, or joyfully content instead, lol.
I do think with my husband's 8-wing, he seems to experience more extremes than other type 9's I've known (which I do appreciate); though he seems more comfortable expressing more intense anger/anxiety (or negative emotions ironically), then he does in being quick or loud to be expressive with his positive emotions. His house was a very negatively charged, reactive, angry, loud household (so I assume this would have something to do with it). He still has lots and lots of happy, positive emotions, it's just the negative ones are much more extraverted, while the positive ones he tends to keep more to himself.

I'd be curious what your partner would say if you ask him how he orders food when you two go out to eat. I have a terrible time with preferences. I like just about everything, rather equally, if it's not on my specific "do-not-want" list. I order food by either liking a picture on the menu, or a reasonable price for the item, or by what my partner would like, if that's appropriate. Rarely do I ever do it because I want that item over the others due to a certain craving or anything like that. I could have just about anything on the menu and be fine with it, lol.
I think this is another instance where wings might play a role. My husband is pretty good about having a preference, and especially when hungry, can even have cravings for certain food items. The 8-wing just brings a bit more decisiveness to him (as long as no one's emotions hang in the balance). He really likes food though, Ha Ha (takes his food seriously) so maybe that's a bad example. :)

Thank you again for replying! I found your responses really informational, and eye-opening to get another type 9's perspective! Much appreciation!
 
  • Like
Reactions: GoodOldDreamer

·
Fu Dominant
Joined
·
10,720 Posts
The w8 is definitely more decisive, yes. My w1 is always the perfectionist, so... I have trouble with preferences for things because then I have this thing about wanting valid reasons why such and such is better than the rest, and I can't come up with any, and... yeah, lol. I wish sometimes I had a w8.

Except for the bit about w8 being more angry. But there's a price for everything, I suppose.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,054 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
@hornet

To answer your question about intimacy (which is a good question). I guess I was just chasing a lot of bunnies on this forum (all at the same time). I did want to figure out what instinctual stacking my husband was, which I think we have mostly accomplished.

But I also was chasing that idea for hope.

I must be clear, that I really love my husband, and there is a lot that gels with us (just because I feel as though some of these posts have reflected more of the negative side without a context). I just don't get to discuss these ideas in many places (& especially not with such intuitive and introspective people); so this is just a field day for me! :D

I kind of associated SX variant with intimacy because back in my dating days, I dated two different 9w8 SX/SP's (I have a thing for 9w8 I guess). The beginning of the relationship was really Amazing! There was so much merging, talking, sharing, and togetherness. But, as things settled down (which is a tad inevitable -I'm a type 7- so things keep their *sparkle* a bit more, but I'm not a miracle worker!), I feel that the SX-first types became increasingly restless (which was distressing for me, and a bit exhausting). Plus, the idea of settling down, "nesting" if you will, and developing a family, very much appealed to me (& not so much to them).

So, when I met my husband, I got really excited, because he shared that notion of settling down. Plus, I had dated some guys that needed a lot of "space" (which drove me crazy). I'm o.k. with needing to go to the gym or go out with a friend once in a while, but I didn't realize people existed who needed so much space! My husband has basically the same proximity needs/values as myself (so that also got me excited + made me happy).

On to the intimacy! My husband and I have the same Love Language breakdown:

1. Quality Time
2. Words of Affirmation
3. Physical Touch
4. Acts of Service
5. Gifts

(Although, my Quality Time and Words of Affirmation both score super high + are tied, with the other love languages trailing behind them)

If you're not familiar with the 5 Love Languages, here is a Personality Cafe forum discussing them in brief:

http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html

So, all the Love Languages have sub-dialects (if you read the book, they mention this, but do not go into too much detail about any one sub-dialect), and while my husband and I both love spending "Quality Time" together (which I adore!): I need the talking. (lol) There is a sub-dialect of Quality Time called "Quality Conversation" (so like, signing up for the Personality Cafe forum has been heaven for me! Ha Ha). Quality Conversation involves a lot of talking of course, but "quality" is key. For example, it involves self-disclosure, discussion of feelings, ideas, talking about our individual (as well as) connected past, exchanging of jokes/playful banter, etc. . . My best friend and I literally have 5 hour conversations together (if you cannot already tell from my lengthy forum post exchanges XD). Talking turns me on, talking makes me feel loved, talking, talking, talking.

& I totally get that my husband is a type 9 (which again; I love and appreciate), and I understand that he will not talk as much. But, he can talk to me about thoughts and feelings after a movie (and analyze the movie with me), or analyze math, or even sit in the park and type other people with me. But, when it comes to himself. . .nada. That's where the magic happens! Feelings need to be injected into everything (and I mean personal feelings; how something affects, and interacts with yourself). I could listen to that all day. He just doesn't seem to like to self-reveal, or think about those types of things. We've had many discussions about it, and he says he wants to (because when we do successfully "volley the ball" of intimacy back-and-forth, he says he thinks it's better and really enjoys it), but he just says he just does not have much practice with it (which is true; given his background).

I think that all answers your question. It got a bit jumbled. But I was going somewhere; I promise. :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: Inveniet

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,054 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
The w8 is definitely more decisive, yes. My w1 is always the perfectionist, so... I have trouble with preferences for things because then I have this thing about wanting valid reasons why such and such is better than the rest, and I can't come up with any, and... yeah, lol. I wish sometimes I had a w8.

Except for the bit about w8 being more angry. But there's a price for everything, I suppose.
I have a few 9w1 friends, & they remind me A LOT of you! While an 8-wing does bring decisiveness, like you mentioned, it also brings some more difficulty with anger and reactiveness (at times). I bet you and your partner gel so well, because you have a 1-wing (you might not be able to be there for her in the same capacity if you had an 8-wing). :)

I know sometimes i wish as a type 7, that I had an 8-wing, because 7w8 seem so much more confident and care a whole lot less about what people are thinking of them. But, I really enjoy being a 7w6 (even if I worry more), because I'm also kinder to others, and take their feelings into account more than a 7w8 might.

So, like you said, there is a price for everything! Everything has it's pros and cons. :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: GoodOldDreamer

·
Registered
Joined
·
585 Posts
Ha Ha! @rockinlibrarian I appreciate your honesty! No excuses needed. I'm just impatient as a type 7, so I tend to do everything in my power to actively make what I want happen.

It's nice to meet you! You're the first person to welcome me to the forums in general, and I mightily appreciate that hospitality and kindness. :)

If you ever do think of something to say, feel free to chime in! As a type 9, you have more insight than I do (especially since I'm a totally different type).
Okay, I may have a little insight to chime in with when it comes to the SX-instinct in 9s and at the same time the changing of apparent instinctual stackings over time. I do suspect that we lean more on some instincts than others at different stages of our lives, depending what's going on, which could explain why your husband seems to have dabbled in every stacking at some point in his life. :) I always was a classic SX 9, dreamy and melodramatic (mildly 4ish) (okay actually quite-a-lot-4ish, it's definitely my second-highest scoring type) and always falling MADLY AND COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH ONE PERFECT PERSON-- although it goes for non-romantic relationships, too, I fall madly and completely in love with platonic friends, fictional characters, certain desserts, etc, so yeah (terminology can be so confusing! I suspect I may actually be demisexual from an actual "sexuality" standpoint, and yet from a psychological standpoint...!). But I've been with my now-husband for over 15 years, and we have two young and both incidentally clinically hyperactive children, so I have these three VERY CLOSE relationships and they all three WANT MY ATTENTION SO MUCH, and because I have these 9sx boundary issues I've gotten to the point now that it DOES make me panicky-- not that I don't want them in my life, but that I need a little more breathing room just to attempt to find myself again-- which, yeah, wherever "myself" is, because obviously I haven't accomplished that yet. So it seems strange because sx-9s ARE so MERGY at FIRST, but after awhile, once it's clear that you're not going to lose the other, you do start to feel overwhelmed and start giving yourself more distance in the relationship, which can turn into too MUCH distance, but it's a defense mechanism to balance the initial merging tendency. Basically after all that explanation-that-I'm-not-even-sure-makes-sense, nowadays I think I actually appear more SP-heavy than SX, just because that's more of what I need now. I have too much merging! So I don't know if dynamics like that might affect your husband or other 9s in your experience or what.

I always admired/envied 7s for your energy and impulsiveness! I could use some of that!
 

·
MOTM Nov 2012
Joined
·
3,867 Posts
Everything about the OP says Sp/Sx imo which leads to 3 possibilities; that's his stack, you have a bias and focus on things that lead to that type, or your type is influencing your understanding of what So and Sx in particular mean.
 
  • Like
Reactions: o0india0o
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top