Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 72 Posts

·
MOTM Nov 2009
Joined
·
4,132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I noticed no one had mentioned these compatibility descriptions from the Enneagram Institute, so I'd like to do so -- I wouldn't, normally, but part of the description is limited to the Members Section, and some may not want to join to see. Please do not post until the descriptions are finished.

  • Type Four - Type One
Enneagram Ones and Fours have an intense mutual interest to bring something good and beautiful into the world. Both are idealistic and concerned with getting it right in their work and self-expressions. Both see how things could be, how a project could become an expression of an ideal form, if all went well. By working together, something universal and transcendent could result in their work and in their relationship itself. Ones bring a desire for objectivity, truth, value, and reason to the relationship. They offer self-discipline, good work habits, and regularity to the relationship.
Ones are conscientious and will sublimate themselves and their personal needs for the greater good, including the shared vision and goals that they feel are at the core of the relationship itself. Ones can act as valuable sounding boards for Fours, offering advice and wisdom when Fours get confused by the multitude of their feelings or their self-doubts. Fours bring creativity, intense feelings, sensuality, spontaneity, inspiration, and the ability to tap into dreams, the unconscious, and other universal forces. Their expressiveness and emotionality can be a welcome counterbalance to the One's typical formality and sense of order and reason.
Fours give Ones permission to explore and express the full range of the One's feelings and passions. Ones help Fours actualize their dreams by supporting creativity with healthy self-discipline and appropriate structure. In general, Ones bring self-restraint to the relationship, which may act as a model for Fours, who tend to be more unregulated. Both types have a taste for refinement, beauty, and a cultivation of the arts, and if both appreciate what the other offers, they can make a long lasting, productive team that helps balance the limitations of the other while bringing out qualities that each lacks—one of the primary functions of all good relationships.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

A relationship between Ones and Fours can sometimes be like mixing oil and water: they tend to separate quickly because they see things from the opposite points of view. Ones think that they are almost always being sensible and objective, while Fours do not try to be "objective"—they want to see things from the subjective, personal side. While both bring a kind of idealism to the relationship, it is usually idealism applied to different things. Ones will be idealistic about social causes, morality, politics, and global issues, while Fours are idealistic, even perfectionistic, about aspects of their personal lives—their lifestyle, their mate, and their choice of work. Both can reinforce each other's sense of superiority, leading to elitism and snobbery toward others. Both can become disdainful and condescending toward those who have less breeding, taste, or sense of refinement—and the habit of being disappointed in others can be turned against each other as well.
Both types are ironically highly aware of their impulses, their sensuality, their longings and frustrations, but they both attempt to handle these issues in diametrically different ways. Thus, one of the biggest areas of conflict between Ones and Fours is in self-discipline versus self-indulgence, between personal and emotional impulses either being acted out (Fours) or being suppressed (Ones). Ones can begin to see Fours as hopelessly emotional, self-absorbed and self-indulgent, while Fours can begin to see Ones as insufferably rigid, judgmental, and cold. Fours can become as angry, critical, intolerant, and self-righteous as low-functioning Ones, and Ones can become as melancholy, self-pitying, alienated, and depressed as low-functioning Fours.
In short, Ones and Fours may end by being disaffected with each other for being the way they are: they are not an imagined ideal. Both can be unforgiving, keeping scores and remembering long-past hurts. The relationship can deteriorate into bitter frustration with each other and end as the result of rancorous arguments.

[Source]
 

·
MOTM Nov 2009
Joined
·
4,132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
  • Type Four-Type Two
This can be a very warm, even passionate, couple when both parties continue to share their feelings openly together. Both are seeking warmth and connection, and both are willing to provide it when they are healthy. Hence, once they have gotten over the initial hurdles of intimacy, Enneagram Twos and Fours can be a safe place for each to share their hopes, fears, and insecurities. They can be good medicine for each other: Twos contribute sociability and energy, giving Fours the confidence to interact more easily with others. Twos are warm, outgoing, thoughtful and considerate, generous, and encouraging. Twos are also practical and action-oriented, willing to pitch in where needed and to do the things that need to be done, no matter how unpleasant or unglamorous.
To this mix, Fours bring creativity, a sense of humor, a willingness to laugh at human foibles, and emotional honesty. They see their own craziness and their own falseness and they do not try to varnish the truth of their quirks from themselves or from the Two. Fours also bring a sense of beauty and of subtlety into the relationship: they care about how things impact on themselves and others, and so they go out of their way to arrange their world to be more aesthetically pleasing, allowing the Two to feel more relaxed and nurtured. Fours also bring emotional depth and sensitivity to their relationships, a sense of mystery and unpredictability, sensuality and sexual freedom.
In short, Fours invite Twos to take a closer look at their deeper needs, the truth of who they are and what they actually feel. Twos appreciate the subtleties and nuances that Fours bring, and Fours thrive in this atmosphere of appreciation. They can lighten up each other with unexpected humor and appreciation of each others' quirks. Each invites the other to mature emotionally, usually without saying so. Both help the other to stop being so concerned about what others think of them and to become more inner-directed.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

Usually Twos and Fours make better friends and colleagues than intimates. Surprisingly, this pairing is rare in intimate relationships. One would think that they would be a natural fit with each other: the rescuer (Two) and the rescued (Four), the lost child and the parental figure. The problem is that there can be too much emotionality and unspoken demands in this pairing for their own good.
Twos and Fours tend to have many emotional issues in common-which allows them to understand each other readily while also laying the groundwork for potential problems and conflicts. They both need closeness and intimacy and tend to cling to anyone who responds to them sufficiently. Over the long term, there is the tendency to become competitive for attention or for one person to feel better liked and more appreciated than the other.
Moreover, Twos tend to find Fours too moody and temperamental, led too much by their feelings and unconscious impulses. They also see Fours as hypersensitive and self-absorbed—and not interested enough in others or their welfare. Fours tend to find Twos to be too saccharine and artificially upbeat, flattering and insincere to get close to people and to feel needed. Fours see Twos as secretly emotionally needy, desperate for others to like them and seek them out. They can see the Two's helpfulness as little more than an attempt to bribe people for love, which Fours disdain. Fours might begin to be secretly envious of the Twos social abilities and the kinds of positive reactions Twos generally get from people. Fours can begin to feel socially inept and overshadowed by the charm and popularity of Twos.
Secret shame and the feeling of worthlessness of the part of both can begin to undermine the relationship. It can founder on Fours' feelings of abandonment if the Two becomes involved with others. It can also founder on Twos' increasingly feeling unappreciated by the Four. Both begin to see the other as too emotionally needy—and ultimately as more demanding than each wishes to put effort into.

[Source]
 

·
MOTM Nov 2009
Joined
·
4,132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
  • Type Four-Type Three
These two types can form something of a complementary relationship, with each bringing important qualities to the relationship that the other generally lacks. Enneagram Fours can teach Threes how to talk about themselves on a deeper level and help acknowledge and process their feelings. They can also bring Threes more sensitivity, a feeling for beauty and for the non-practical but fulfilling aspects of life. Finding the Three's heart's desire is an extremely important area of self-awareness in which Fours can play a helpful role to Threes. Fours can bring a sense of style and presentation, rich communication, and sense of refinement. Threes model many of the qualities that Fours would like to develop in themselves, and Threes are well-suited to helping Fours gain new skills. Threes can bring a good deal of tact and diplomacy to handling Fours' emotional reactions and their sometimes too-sensitive feelings and self-doubts. Knowing what to say and when to say it-and what not to say—to a Four can be crucial for building trust in the relationship and avoiding inadvertent episodes when either feels humiliated or embarrassed.
Threes can bring a sense of hope and ambition to the relationship, practical goal-setting, coaching and behavior management techniques that help Fours get out of a slump or a period of low energy. Threes can coach Fours on how to get on with practical matters and to act professionally despite the shifts in their feelings and self-doubts.
Since both types are driven by (often unconscious) feelings and reactions, this can be an intense and passionate coupling. Both are aware of "image" issues and about how others perceive them, and so this couple will be noteworthy for its energy, flair, sense of style, and enjoyment of the finer things of life. They may both feel a connection with the other that goes beyond words or reason into another realm as if they had known each other from a previous existence or that the other is some kind of soul mate.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

Both Threes and Fours have issues with self-esteem and with needing attention and validation from others. They both suffer from questions about their own identity and have hidden feelings of shame and worthlessness. These two types secretly compare themselves with others and have more or less openly competitive tendencies. Much will depend on how narcissistically wounded each person is—and therefore how much they will be vying for approval, attention, and recognition. Both Threes and Fours need attention and to feel appreciated, although Threes will be more able to openly seek these things. Fours can feel overshadowed or shut out of the limelight by the more energetic Three. This can trigger feelings in Fours of being defective and deficient, which Threes may play on. Threes will tend to give less attention than Fours to the relationship itself, although both will tend to see the other as essential for their welfare. Fours will typically want far more emotional involvement and intimacy than Threes are comfortable with (or even capable of providing).
A related problem is that neither type really sees the other as they are: both see the other through projections of what they need and expect the other to be. Fours may see Threes as a rescuer and as embodiment of everything they lack, whereas Threes may see Fours as an exotic, mysterious sexual or artistic trophy that enhances their desirability. Both types, however, can get into hostile rages if their emotional needs are not fulfilled. Perhaps worst for this pairing is that they inadvertently keep reminding each other of their own particular brand of self-concealment and phoniness—a constant source of irritation to each other. They can become snippy and sarcastic, gossiping and complaining about the shortcomings of the other to their own friends. Both can also be covert and indirect about sabotaging the other out of revenge, if their relationship should end. Once the respect and admiration they have had for each other ends, dismissiveness, contempt, and undermining begin—and the relationship itself is surely about to end.

[Source]
 

·
MOTM Nov 2009
Joined
·
4,132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
  • Type Four-Type Four
As with all double-type relationships, two Fours generally bring the same qualities to each other. Thus, the Level of health of each person is especially important for these types of relationships as are their dominant instincts.
Double Four pairs generally make good friends and deep friendship is something they often bring to their intimate relationships. Fours often feel misunderstood, yet feel a special bond of understanding with other Fours. They share stories of their childhood traumas, their private dreams and disappointments. Both types are openly emotional and sensitive to the needs of the other. Both are looking for adequate mirroring and in a double Four relationship, they have a real possibility of finding it.
Because each person in a double Four couple is so attuned to their own emotions, there is a great deal of sensitivity and respect for individuality and each other's emotional needs. They have the ability to laugh at themselves and to find amusement with each other in the dark loneliness of the childhood and adolescence. They are not put off by unearthing deep psychological and personal issues. Both are encouraging of the artistic and creative efforts of the other and find it easy to communicate about the most private and intimate issues as they arise. They feel that their relationship is a truly safe space where the other is on a similar emotional wavelength: both feel less alone and less like something is wrong with them personally.
Double Fours are highly romantic and idealistic as a couple and their intimacy has the potential to grow into a grand passion of virtually operatic proportions. Emotional ups and downs, hopes and disappointments, elation and despair tend to make this couple more focused on itself than on practical life, child raising, or their careers. Enormous candor, deep friendship, and consideration for the unique history and emotional needs of the other would be hallmarks of this relationship.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

Emotional instability of the relationship itself is the main potential problem with a double Four intimate couple. Each person can be self-absorbed and excruciatingly aware of what he or she is getting (and not getting) in the relationship. Both want to be the focus of attention regarding emotional issues. Both want special handling—and insist on having special needs and they can resent the other for demanding the same for themselves. Both long for an ideal mate—and the feeling that one has found it—can alternate with depression (and other reactions) when expectations are disappointed. They can get into "Who's more damaged?" contests, a form of negative competition. Both are more or less secretly looking for a rescuer and can get lost in a morass of emotional drama even if they find one.
For all of their potential sensitivity, Fours also tend to withdraw from others and to withhold their attention and affection when they are having a conflict with someone. Fours have a profound lack of trust in others, and this lack of trust can extend even to their intimate partner. A period of testing will invariably happen that may be too much for the other Four to bear. They can be annoyed by the other's quirks and "sensitivities" and unacknowledged demands. They can be intolerant of the other, making each other walk on eggshells, ironically making it difficult to bring up certain issues with the other.
Double Fours can become moody and incommunicative, passive-aggressive, and disdainful, actually hating the very person they may have been so passionately in love with. Rejecting the other (and feeling rejected) can alternate from both parties. Arguments can spiral out of control and hurtful things get said until reconciliation becomes difficult, if not impossible. Once certain things are said in the heat of the moment, they can never be taken back. Permanent damage is done to feelings of trust and safety—and to the future of the relationship. Once hope for the relationship dies, it is difficult to resuscitate.


[Source]
 

·
MOTM Nov 2009
Joined
·
4,132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
  • Type Four-Type Five
Both types bring a certain richness and special qualities of aspects of human development: Fours bring an artistic and emotional temperament, the habit of introspection and sensitivity to feelings in themselves and others. Both types are private and like depth, and they do not mind taking time to explore things deeply and to savor the richness of their own experience. Enneagram Fours and Fives may well have different interests but they appreciate different perspectives and respect the other's intensity and commitment to following their own feelings and interests. Fives bring an inquiring, intellectual temperament, the habit of asking questions and of being interested in a wide variety of things and of being willing to break with old conventions. Fours contribute an appreciation of aesthetics and of the effect that ideas and discoveries have on people: feelings and unconscious processes are powerful and are not to be taken lightly.
Both types can be extremely creative and both love to share their findings with the other, making stimulating, wide-ranging conversation and open communication a hallmark of a Four/Five relationship, both in the intensity of their conversation and in the sincere interest they bring to their listening to each other. Each type usually brings a noteworthy sense of humor and love of the bizarre and the outlandish that can give their relationship a quirky and unique character all of its own. This is often because they both share an "outsider" status. Fives draw Fours out by showing them other worlds and other perspectives, with a depth that Fours like. Fours help Fives stay in contact with their personal self and feelings. They have a mutual tolerance for whatever the other comes up with and neither is easily shocked. They generally find each other stimulating and are tolerant of each other's idiosyncrasies. Both inspire creativity in the other and give permission to the other to be themselves and follow their own inspirations.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

The greatest area for discord in a Four/Five pairing is that Fours are emotional types and tend to push for more contact and intimacy, sometimes becoming overly demanding, whereas Fives are thinking types and tend to push for more detachment and space in the relationship, sometimes becoming more reclusive and private. Fours can experience Fives as being too intellectual and feel that Fives are analyzing them rather than sympathizing with their emotional needs and states. They can also feel that Fives are unavailable and detached, uncaring and unresponsive to their needs in their relationship. Fours feel they can also be impractical and take too long to respond when a situation calls for action.
On the other hand, Fives can see Fours as bottomless pits of emotional needs who drain their time and energy. Fives also feel that Fours' emotionality reflects a lack of rationality or is a sign of immaturity that seems potentially dangerous and out of control. Fours in the lower Levels do not seem safe because of their apparent instability. Fours tend to be easily frustrated with the quality of attention they get from Fives (since they can be preoccupied with their mental worlds, not with the relationship), thus they tend to provoke the Five until they get a response. Fours need to appreciate the minimalist emotional style of the Five, while Fives need to appreciate the Four's depth of feeling. Romantic relationships can get very intense quickly and combust. Usually, the Five retreats first, feeling overwhelmed by the Four's escalating needs and demands. Of course, the Five's withdrawal triggers more clinging and neediness in the Four, more demands, and more endless analysis of the relationship itself. Emotional florid reactions confronting emotional detachment and rational analysis quickly get to an impasse that may spiral into a breakup.

[Source]
 

·
MOTM Nov 2009
Joined
·
4,132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
  • Type Four-Type Six
Both Enneagram Fours and Sixes, have many natural affinities for each other, especially since both are highly emotional and often feel insecure around people. Both tend to strong, immediate feelings and to act on their unconscious hunches or intuitions. Sixes often misidentify themselves initially as Fours because of the traits that they actually have in common. These very traits can also be ones that they bring to the relationship, enabling them to have an unusual degree of empathy and tolerance for each other.
In short, Fours and Sixes can bring to each other the feeling that they are kindred souls, connected by their feelings of abandonment and a certain distrust of others. They may feel like "orphans in the storm" who offer mutual support and reassurance. Rather than energize each other, when they are healthy, Fours and Sixes tend to support and stabilize each other, usually acting as a sounding board for worries and complaints that they feel they cannot air anywhere else.
Fours bring sensitivity, sensuality, and the ability to express emotions openly, including the feelings that Sixes themselves do not know how to express. Fours talk about their inner lives—again, something that Sixes often need to learn. Sixes bring hard work, perseverance, practicality, loyalty, and concern with security to the relationship. They are also often warm and unpredictably playful and able to break through whatever gloom and self-absorption Fours may periodically fall into. Fours give Sixes the sense that they are needed—helping to give Sixes more confidence in their ability to cope with things. Sixes like being practical and they often provide Fours with a platform of some kind to develop their creativity as well as the time and support they may need to work through their emotional issues. This combination creates steadiness and daring, balance and the ability to fill in the gaps for each other both in their own development and in practical affairs.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

As noted above, both Fours and Sixes have issues with feelings of abandonment. Both types in the lower Levels tend to be emotionally reactive, critical of others, pessimistic, and can feel overwhelmed. While they may not often talk about it, they may test each other in various ways in an attempt to discover how loyal the other will be to them. Both types may also begin to subtly withdraw attention and affection from the other as a way of defending against the hurt of potential abandonment, should it occur. But in this, both types have a tendency to create a self-fulfilling prophesy in which their fears and reactions bring about the very thing they are consciously trying to avoid. Both types can become codependent, and their reliance on each other may not result in development for either: Fours do not automatically become more practical, and Sixes do not become more insightful about themselves.
Another potential trouble spot for Fours and Sixes lies in the area of change and tolerance for change. Generally, Fours are more interested in self-exploration and self-development and they tend to be more adventuresome in their tastes and in what they allow themselves to think and to experience. Sixes tend to be more conservative and resistant to change and to personal exploration, making for potential conflict with Fours, who may feel that Sixes are holding them back and stifling their creativity and development. Both can be pessimistic and self-doubting, gloomy and mistrustful of others. The complaint that Fours typically have about Sixes is that they are not free-spirited and romantic enough, whereas the complaint of Sixes about Fours is that they are too undependable and act too much on whims and are not emotionally stable enough. Both types are reactive and conflicts can escalate quickly: misunderstandings can lead to projections and massive over-reactions.

[Source]
 

·
MOTM Nov 2009
Joined
·
4,132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
  • Type Four-Type Seven
Enneagram Fours and Sevens tend to be intrigued by each other since they are a generally a case of opposites attracting. Fours tend to be quiet, introverted, self-doubting, emotional, and pessimistic, while Sevens tend to be outgoing, extroverted, self-confident, mental, and optimistic. Sevens help Fours overcome shyness and a possible reluctance to try new experiences. Fours help Sevens stay focused on what they really want—and to respect and allow their feelings. Fours and Sevens bring to their relationship the charge and mystery of their differences—that they think so differently, react so differently, and find pleasure in such different ways. They can therefore become intrigued by the other, finding him or her endlessly fascinating, always ready with something new and unexpected.
Both Fours and Sevens bring a capacity for joy and ecstasy, spontaneity, emotion, and for passion. Both Fours and Sevens love lively conversation and they can pass hours sharing with each other detailed accounts of the events of the day as well as their thoughts and reactions. Both Fours and Sevens love the finer things of life, travel, good food, wine, clothes, and furnishings, and, for better or worse, both can tend to overspend their incomes on what they consider life's necessities—caviar, champagne, and another trip to Europe. They both have a love of the new and a sense of adventure and romance that can keep their relationship fresh and lively for themselves and be a source of joy and inspiration for others. Both types can be funny, irreverent, and entertaining. There is also an earthiness and bawdiness to both, as well as, paradoxically, a sophistication and elitism. Being opposites, Fours and Sevens can balance each other: Fours bringing a sense of depth and interiority, while Sevens contribute a sense of fun and emotional resilience.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

Because they are so different in many ways, Fours and Sevens must have several strong points of attraction or else they will likely miss connecting with each other. Unless some strong passion (romantic, mental, or spiritual) keeps them together, they are likely to fly apart if there are any deep disagreements or conflicts early in the relationship. Both types tend to be impulsive and to be easily frustrated with others when they are disappointed or if their life circumstances do not go as they expect. Both have high expectations for the kind of attention and quality of interactions they want from others, and if they are not forthcoming, both tend to not give others too many second chances to prove themselves. While Fours may admire and even secretly envy the Seven's resilience and high energy, they may also find themselves worn down by their fast-paced lives and what feels to Fours like the Seven's relentless plans and activities. Fours can see Sevens as too noisy, superficial, and insensitive-and occasionally coarse and insulting without realizing it.
On the other hand, Sevens may admire and try to imitate the Four's artistic flair, creativity, and appreciation of subtlety and beauty. But Sevens can also see Fours as hypersensitive, ineffectual, impractical, moody, and self-absorbed. In addition, if the relationship worsens, Fours usually become more withholding and hostile, sniping at the other from a safe distance. Sevens become more impatient, abrasive, and can be verbally abusive. Fours may want to talk about everything that has gone wrong with the relationship in great detail with the Seven. By contrast, Sevens typically want to move on to something more promising and upbeat. The result is that underlying problems do not get resolved adequately. Once this relationship curdles, virtually everything each admired and was attracted to in the other becomes irritating and insufferable.

[Source]
 

·
MOTM Nov 2009
Joined
·
4,132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
  • Type Four-Type Eight
This can be one of the most creative relationship couplings, although it is also one of the most inherently volatile. Both Enneagram Fours and Eights are intense and have strong emotional responses; both seek to get a reaction from the other, and both can be dominating of their environments—Eights are socially dominant, Fours are emotionally dominant. Both types bring passion, intensity, energy, and deep (often unconscious) feelings to all aspects of the relationship. They are attracted to each other's storminess, the other's vulnerability, and the other's "hidden" qualities: neither is what they seem to be on the surface. Both types are also highly intuitive—Fours by being self-aware and knowledgeable about how they are feeling, and Eights with their intuition about external phenomena, often with an extremely accurate insight about the potentials and possibilities exhibited by others. Because of their passionate natures, both types can become impulsive and reckless, taking extreme risks for love of thrills or for the sensation of being alive—and this can be tremendously exciting to the other. But there are trade-offs: Fours tend to depend on the Eight's practicality and ability to protect and provide for them, whereas Eights tend to depend on the Four's sensitivity and mysterious sense of challenge—the Four's emotional life and heart may be one world that the Eight cannot easily conquer.
On the other hand, Fours see strength, charisma, and solidity in Eights. Both feel that the other can meet their intensity—that the other will not be boring or non-responsive to them. They make each other feel more alive—something that both want. Intensity, vitality, passion, and immediacy are the emotional hallmarks of this couple, and they relate to each other (and to others in their world) from an unusually high emotional pitch—there is always something happening in their relationship, and they like it this way.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

Both types take a certain pride in having a large than life quality about them: Eights in their larger than life willpower and quest for control, Fours in their larger than life emotions and in their quest for self-expression. Both types want to be free and to be free from having anyone control them, particularly in their careers and private lives. If they feel that the other is trying to control them, both types can become enraged, easily triggering gargantuan battle, financial and sexual intrigues, and rampant feelings of hatred. Both Fours and Eights are emotionally stormy and prone to periods of rage, depression, vengeance, and various forms of acting out. When conflicts between them reach a certain pitch, arguing replaces real connection, and fighting (and possible physical violence) becomes an increasingly common element of their communication, with the violence often running both ways.
They can also begin to get into the practice of fighting and making up because both are more exciting that way. They can also begin punish each other by withholding attention and affection and by verbally putting the other down, often in public. No coupling is more passionate than the Four/Eight combination—nor is any couple more likely to deteriorate into verbal and physical abuse and various kinds of personal retaliation for escalating offenses. (They also tend to draw their friends and family into their conflicts, trying to make others choose sides.) They may get into the feeling that they are not able to stop themselves from hurting each other, as much as part of them would like to quiet down and become more normal. The passionate attraction that they have for each other can end in obsession and hurtful, ruinously impulsive actions.

[Source]
 

·
MOTM Nov 2009
Joined
·
4,132 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
  • Type Four-Type Nine
This can be, paradoxically, both a very comfortable—and yet exciting—relationship pair. Enneagram Fours and Nines are both withdrawn and private, sensitive to the feelings and needs of the other, and empathetic to the suffering of others. Both can be tender-hearted and highly sympathetic to the suffering that they find in the world and in each other. Both want to find a deep connection with the other, and yet, both also want a certain degree of autonomy and insist on a very real degree of privacy. Both Fours and Nines can be highly creative, and as a pair they enthusiastically support the other's creativity and give the other a good deal of space in which to develop their talents. Both are idealistic and want to connect deeply with someone, feeling that they are on a search for their soul mate, the one person in the world with whom they can completely connect and be themselves.
Both Fours and Nines also bring a sensuality and love of comfort that is noteworthy; this may express itself in their lifestyle, traveling habits, and in their sexual and other intimate activities. This is a couple that likes to stay in bed all Sunday morning, reading the papers and talking. Each brings passion and an appreciation of the other coupled with a desire to be comfortable and build a life with the other. Fours can make Nines become more intense and expressive about how they feel, while Nines can allow Fours to feel understood and accepted for who they are. Fours are good at naming feelings and pinpointing emotional states; Nines are good at creating an atmosphere of nonjudgmental acceptance, Nines may even enjoy the emotional storms and dramas that Fours occasionally get into, feeling that it adds spice to their life together. A lot of the pleasure and passion of this couple is nonverbal in the depth of the understanding that each has for the other.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

The biggest area of conflict between Fours and Nines is that each tends to react differently as stress increases: Fours become more emotionally volatile and demanding, while Nines become more disengaged and impossible to get through to. Fours can feel too unstable and dramatic, unpredictable and moody for Nines, while Nines can feel too unresponsive and emotionally inert, unsatisfying and uncommunicative for Fours. Nines can become angered by the Four's sense of entitlement and demands for attention and exemption. Fours can become angered by Nines' irresponsibility and apparent inability to learn from their mistakes and experiences. If conflicts and tensions increase between them, Nines can shut down more and more so that communication stops, and they give Fours the subtle message that they don't want to hear their reactions or deal with their feelings. Fours can feel that talking with Nines is like playing tennis with yourself—there's no one to hit the ball back—and there is too little relating in the relationship. Contempt for what Fours see is being boring and ineffectual can end the relationship.
Both types look for partners who seem to embody some qualities that they feel they do not have themselves: Nines seek strong, high energy partners, whereas Fours seek partners who possess some ego-ideal that they feel they are missing themselves. In lower functioning Fours and Nines, neither energizes the other and both get stuck in a morass of inhibited anger, resentment, and irritation with each other. Fours tend to give up on the Nines (as being hopelessly inert and dull), whereas Nines tend to give up on Fours (as being too demanding and emotionally volatile).

[Source]

That's it for Type Four.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Thank you for posting.

My close friends are 2 and 4. We get along and are long time friends for over ten years. Kinda understand and emotionally support each other really well.

I used to date a5. I think he was very private and mysterious. It was like I wanna know him more and more. However, I felt that he was very cold though....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,478 Posts
AHHH Man, the 8s sound incredible. Before I read your input on the relationship quotient, I read up on 1-9 on another site. When I got to 8 my insides got all flighty. Then your info validated why I felt like that. The 6s were a runner up but the 8s gave me this ridiculously unbridled feeling. Like I'd love the fighting, with or without the violence. Thanks for posting that. I honor you 8s, since it seems you're one as well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Mwahaha, i am actually struggling with 7w8. God help me please...give me more patience, don't lead me to aggression (as it's very hard but somehow he can do that very quickly), give me strength to pull him down to earth and make me eloquent enough to make him to see the problem. Amen.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
Very enlightening. When reading this, I realised that my one serious boyfriend was a Four, and it helped me understand why our relationship turned out as it did. On the one hand, there was a very special bond there... On the other hand, we both ended up hating each other at times. We were both average to unhealthy at the time, I think. I saw a lot of flaws in him that I realise (after reading this) were just my own flaws that I disliked mirrored back at me, and that is why I was so critical of him at times.

Now, where can I find me a sexy 8?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Compatibility

Honestly the best possible of situations would be to be with another four - I tend to crave a huge amount of connection and mutuality in relationships, and with fours this is more possible, because they tend to understand their feelings and thoughts and are able to thus bring their subjective experience to the table.

it's so frustrating to want to know someone's inner world more than they do! For alot of the types I think this is the case. They're more focused on the external world of events than on the internal world of impressions and feeling tones.
 
1 - 20 of 72 Posts
Top