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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not really sure if I can speak for all 4's but I think that I am destined to venture my college years solo. Eh.... I got held behind everyone else that was in my grade or age and have spent 2 more years than normal in community college classes. I don't think there's much chance for me to "group" with people or to bond with peers who have the same majors as me when I am constantly change my course and fail classes.

Now, I am going to get a job for the first time.. and am going to spend time making money.

I think ultimately I am destined to live life solo until my path becomes more straight and less bumpy and more of a routine. I will probably not live that type of life till I finish college, move out of my house, become more in control of my finances and appointments and start teaching.

Anyone else have the same feeling?
I haven't been taking life very seriously and am still confused about what exactly I should do with my life. I'm completely getting overloaded by the stuff I have yet to learn how to do to form friendships and whatnot.
 

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I can't speak for everyone, but I relate on a couple of your sentiments.

I didn't go to college. Besides some financial factors and not taking high school seriously, I just didn't want to deal with the people.

Simple as that really.
 

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I definitely did not go through college solo. I had a pretty stellar community of friends that I lived with, studied with, and spent most of my time with. I also got to know faculty really well and spent time with them. I'm still close with most of the people I was close with in college.

But I went into college in a more orthodox way - straight out of high school. I always did well in and was very involved in school before college, so it was natural that it would carry through to college. I've never really been a loner in practice, though often I feel that way in my mind and my heart. I was always confused in college, and had no idea what I was doing most of the time, but despite being a 4 I'm also an extrovert, so I kind of sought refuge from that confusion in other people, I think. I turned outward instead of inward (in some ways - in other ways I think it was the reverse).
 

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Yeah, I was so excited to leave high school and go to college and be completely anonymous. For the last five years, I've intentionally avoided making friends because my Four-fixation was so strong, although I have made some good human connections along the way. There's just a very strong sense of me "not being like the others" but still envying certain people. So, I've been in college for more than 4 years...I transferred schools, have failed a few classes, dropped several more, changed my major a couple of times. I even had a suicide attempt because I was so fed up with everything.

Now I'm about the start my (hopefully) last semester next month. I took a semester off and have been earning money and weight lifting consistently in order to improve my self-esteem so that next semester my mind and emotions aren't so shaky and self-critical. Although I've seen definite improvements in my physical appearance, I feel more looks conscious than ever. I'm frankly just as miserable as always :/

I need to find a way to be content with blending in, "conforming", not being special or beautiful, etc. I just don't know how. I think deep down there's a fear that if I stop criticizing myself, I'll either become complacent or people will see "the real me" and reject it. So, I have to reject and critique myself in order to shield my ego from them first. Moreover, there's a sense that daily life and the mundane just aren't WORTH doing if I don't have some tragic story/longing that compels me to deal with everyday tasks. If I were to try to be happy, I wouldn't do anything "responsible" at all, so I need some sort of ... misery to anchor me to reality, if that makes any sense.
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Sounds like your transition into college was less stimulating than mine. I actually attempted to start over and do the whole making friends with people thing and it ended horribly.

I went totally dramatic and did some attention seeking behavior in the process because all of this new stuff was too stimulating to me. It makes me feel like wanting to move to a whole different state and try again. At least this time I learned that making fun of yourself and your mistakes are the only way to please people.

I was a complete perfectionist about not wanting to make a mistake back then that everyone sorta ignored me as being to high standard or something..

I am ALSO on my last semester of college with my A.A. I want to get an A.F.A. too. >_< Art and language majors. I am so indecisive with my life. At least I narrowed down the things I am interested in.
 
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