This will be a pretty hefty thing to read, so thanks in advanced to anyone who actually bothers to type me!
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
I'm not entirely sure. My prevailing theory is that I desire success and recognition. I was torn between that and a desire for knowledge, but one thought changed that. I'm applying to university soon and it dawned on me that I care more about where I go than how interesting I'd find the course. Obviously, I'll balance, but wanting prestige edges out wanting to learn. It's an internal cause of shame.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
The same as everyone: happiness. I suppose the real question is how will I achieve happiness. I think that achieving my goals will make me happy. Why would people set goals if they won't be happier once they've got them? Success in relationships and a career. I'd like people to think highly of me too.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I want to be somebody who enjoys their life. I don't want to be in a dead-end 9-to-5 job that makes me want to slit my wrists in the morning. I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship. And the idea that I won't actually like my children worries me.
I'd like to avoid being a person who achieves what they want, no matter the cost. That kind of aggressiveness is unfair on the people I'd have to screw over. I'd like to maintain a moral high-ground during my life. That ties in with important values. I value determination and honesty - not specifically in a truth-telling kind of way.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
I fear rejection, in most scenarios. Personal rejection hits the hardest. It's why I tend not to ask people out. If they say no, it's like they've said, "You are not good enough for me." I can't deal with that. I know that's not what it means really, but it's what I'd tell myself.
I fear failure too. Only when it's permanent, but failure means again that I wasn't good enough to achieve my goals. It's letting myself down and other people.
I'm terrified of the idea that I'll actually get what I want from life and still not be content. Then I'll be put into a place where I'm not self-assured, but it will be too late to change.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I want other people to see me as someone who's strong, confident, optimistic and goal-orientated without being arrogant and cut-throat. I primarily want people to see me as happy. Happy means I have what I want and am comfortable with how I got there.
I see myself as the person I've described above, with doubts. I know that I'm internally freaking out over my life's path, so I'm not really strong. I know that I'm terrified that I'm not good enough, so I'm not confident. I know I'm worried about things going wrong, so I'm not that optimistic. So, I guess I want people to see me in all my positives.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel at my best when I try my hardest and I succeed. I feel at my worst when I've done my best and fail on all counts. I like the idea that we reap what we sow, so when something goes against that, it disorientates me.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a) I manifest anger very physically. I shout and I'm rude and I stomp and I slam doors. I try to withdraw so that no one gets caught in the war path, but if people don't adhere to that, then I'm not particularly pleasant. I usually direct my anger at people that are the cause. But when I'm the reason for my own anger, that's when I'm just horrible to everyone. It's like, I'm angry with myself, so everyone else should be too.
b) Shame ties in with personal anger. When I'm ashamed, I deny it to myself. I try to repress the source of shame. I never talk about it. I ignore all thoughts about it. Then, I mentally snap, and I'm forced to deal with it all at once. That's when I withdraw and cry and just think about how it can be resolved. After that, I'm fine.
c) I'm rarely anxious. I'm too out-of-sight-out-of-mind as a person. When I am, I try to distract myself, but I'm very on edge. I tense up and find it difficult to relax my muscles or change my train of thought. Anxiety consumes me, almost.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a) I respond physically. I clench my jaw, tighten my muscles and just feel so overwhelmed. To combat this, I eat ice-cream and chocolate, and think about how I can make the stress go away or at least dial down. Then I do that. Causes of stress in my life are usually due to exams. In this case, I revise. Feeling prepared makes me less worried that I'll fail and therefore less stressed.
b) Change that's unexpected is usually change that I don't think is necessary. If I think something needs to be changes, I get used to the idea of the impending change before it's happened. Unexpected change doesn't allow me this period of mental adjustment before it happens, so I'm not great at dealing with it. I tend to avoid the area of the change until I'm forced to go their so much that I get used to it.
c) Conflict doesn't bother me too much. I frankly think it's quite healthy. In situations of conflict, I believe I'm in the right. I wouldn't argue at all if that weren't the case. If I did do something wrong, I apologise. If the other person did something wrong, I explain my point and expect them to apologise. Well, that's if it's a personal argument. In other cases (e.g. debate gone wrong) it's better to agree to disagree and move on.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
a) People with authority are generally just trying to get a job done. Like policemen or teachers. It's easier to just go with it.
b) Power is a different matter as people often get corrupted by power. If it goes to their heads, sometimes one needs to step up and say something about it. So, if someone with power asks me to do something I deem unreasonable, I'll say so.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
Oft, that's a deep question. I think that you only get one shot at life, so you should enjoy is as much as possible. However, people interpret that differently. My plan is to work hard now so life may be better later. People should do whatever makes them happy, unless it infringes a lot on someone else's happiness or many people's happiness.
Humanity is slightly different. I think individual people are fundamentally good, but the human race itself is not. We're too focused on ourselves. We'll happily hold out a door for somebody, but we won't help starving people. It's sad.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I'm not really sure. I trust people with things that don't really matter. Like, I'll trust a friend to buy me some food from Sainsbury's if I ask, but I haven't told anyone that my mum's diabetic. I'm not sure if it's that I don't trust people with serious things or if I just think it's irrelevant for them to know. I don't have a hideous back-story about betrayal which means I find it difficult to trust people. I just don't think it's necessary to tell people things you'd require their trust for in the first place.
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
A stranger doesn't truly know me, so I assume that insults are designed to hurt me for no reason and compliments are just sucking up to me. There's no genuine meaning behind them.