These are really good questions, and some that I was hoping someone would ask me eventually. Kudos!
@
Jawz
As for the "keeping busy" part, do you feel that this strategy is, in part, to maintain an image (that's the impression I got, but I don't want to just assume)?
That's very close to it actually. Being busy and pursuing hobbies and interests has always been inherent. As far as I can remember, I was always always a busy little kid --- busy with school projects, extra cirricular activities, making/cementing relationships, playing best friend --- but there came a point [around 14] when I realized that my life is supposed to mean something bigger than what it was turning into. I had a huge view of myself of making big things happen ... being special ... and I set about becoming special. I became everybody's best friend. I became my mother's favourite son. I tried to become my siblings' best brother [but they never really accepted me the way I wanted them to] --- so at around that time, I started consciously over-looking everything else. I became everything - and in the end, today I realize that in doing so I really am everything, but nothing at the same time. So in other words --- yes -- it was a conscious desire to become something that would get me the most success in everything I did. Not just by becoming be absolute best, but finding ways to be
perceived in that light.
Example: I went to the #1 Business School not because I wanted to, but because in doing so I would be perceived as the best and my parents would be proud of me. I just didn't fail at it. And that's been the most common theme. I'm just so good at what I do, it seems like that that
is what I want to do to everyone else, so they can never quite understand why I'm unhappy inside while doing it. This was exactly how my marriage turned out. It was one of the biggest shocks to everyone in the world when we divorced because on the surface it was the epitome of a perfect marriage.
Have you ever felt different from others?
Yeah .. the
difference became extremely obvious around the time I turned 13. I realized that I was feeling things much more strongly than other kids - especially when my pet parrot died and I was ridiculed in public for crying about it. I remember being traumatized by that experience and isolated myself from people for years because of that humiliation. From that time onwards, I became an extremely stoic child and trained myself to control every bit of emotion I felt and wrapped myself in a very protective bubble. I am unique by virtue of being different.
Also, I grew up as an ethnic minority during my teen years. I was horribly ridiculed for my accent, my clothes, the way I walked in my high school. There was a kid in particular who thought he could get under my skin - but I gave the impression that I didn't care. Again --- I had a very "I hate my feelings, but I have to accept that I have them" relationship with my emotions. They never really hindered me to the point of complete incapacity as they have now and I still managed to do the best I could to make my place in the world.
I moved back to Pakistan in 2002 - but by that time, I was a true Canadian/Pakistani hybrid --- which really set me apart. I went through a lot of "Third Culture Kid" problems [you can read up on that if you like]. Long story short ---- I literally became unique to the point where my own boss mocked me with this picture one day [and I felt extremely humiliated when he did]:
This is after the fact that I had proven myself the best member of his team - as acknowledged by his boss. I tried not to believe that it was jealousy at that point, but other people told me that he was jealous of my success and felt threatened by me.
Have you ever had a strong desire to be an individual?
I already am extremely individualistic, unique and separate. I never bothered with trying to be unique - because I was always unique - and knew just how to express myself in a way that I stood out - but not so much like a sore thumb. I go against the grain almost inherently. I am calculated in my rebellions --- E.G. If someone says "I don't like it when you wear black!" --- I'd make sure that I wear nothing by black in front of them kind of rebellious. But never to the point of breaking specific rules and over-looking principles.
How important are emotions to you (for an E4, they are everything)?
I have a very love hate relationship with my own emotions. I explore my feelings in-depth --- but I need to give myself breaks in order to do so. Meaning that when I'm busy and required to do something, I will always over-look my personal feelings and just get it done ... but the nagging strain of having done so is like a stain on my brain and with each new act where I over-look my personal feelings, the stain becomes bigger ---- till I literally crash and say "What the fuck was I doing with my life???" I explore my feelings through my music --- it defines everything about me. It was what helped me survive my near suicidal state all my life. I would play .. and it would comfort me .. I would give my compositions titles like "Bleeding inside", "Tough", "The Innocence Anthem", "Dehumanization", "Losing Control" etc .. which were a direct reflection of my moods and feelings.
But .. usually soon as I was done composing, I would start feeling better and carry on
Great questions. Thanks