Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 27 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
149 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Without going into too much detail, I suspect myself to have a narcissistic mother.

Being an only child I have served both as the "golden child" and "scapegoat" throughout the years. I've been praised - but only publicly - so it would serve my mother and validate her supposed good parentship. On other occassions I'm put down in order to earn others' sympathy, or to establish her authority as a parent.

For as long as I can remember, I have been very much of an individualist. Though more of a quiet rebel than an outspoken one. I do refuse to concede to certain societal norms because, well - I can - it is outside of my home, but in regards of my mother it is not the same. From time to time I realise I'm walking on my tip-toes so that she will be unable to find any fault in what I'm doing, saying, thinking or even implying. She uses herself of invalidation - mockery of feelings and guilt-tripping, infantalisation - not allowing me to get by on my own, in turn feeding the guilt-tripping. She is an ENTJ/ESTJ, possibly enneagram 3 or 8.

("Those were details, though!" you say. Perhaps they are.)

I did identify as a type Four once (and I'm open to the possibility that I might be one after all) though I am fairly certain I'm a Two. My attitude towards frankness is fiercely adverse and I don't believe in criticism at all - unless it constructive and encouraging. I cannot bear the thought of anyone within my day-to-day life feeling unappreaciated or unloved, regarless of how close our relationship is. I will be smothering if I care - and I do care (too much I think). In other words a tendency to take on the role as "rescuer", admitting I could be in need of one myself.

Hence my interest in the possible correlation between type Twos and narcissistic parents, especially when it comes to only children, or so called "scapegoats" (if you have siblings). Thoughts?

Additional question; do you still live with your narcissistic parent(s)?

Much love :) (I know it's difficult!)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,145 Posts
Out and about reading on my phone so can't get into details but possibly. While I don't to think my mother is evil she fits the bill. Readings suggest early childhood development 'fractures' or what have you, and while there is some heavy correlation to the actuality if this statement, there could easily be enough evidence to argue the opposing 'nature' argument.

I've been reading fairly heavy on enneagram lately. I must admit it's exciting because I've been thinking of all these ideas or theories but don't feel confident as of try to adhere to any of them as of yet. Just premature speculation. The only analogy that I can conjure on the spot would be the theory of 'trigger points'. When studying in school you learn that we all have the same points however not will be activated (if ever). A persons nature possibly predisposes them to certain vulnerabilities and just as a person who plays tennis might be apt to hurt 'here' and a person who plays golf might hurt 'there' .. So it goes psychologically.

Sorry. I'm so tempted to ramble but it'll be ridiculous on my phone. But yes! I have a few ideas to this effect and I'll try to post more later. When I first joined the forum I was spreading personal theories I had about patterns etc. and it's as if enng is giving me a stronger framework for some of my ideas to 'stick' to.


Def. will be back. Good thread! ;)
 
  • Like
Reactions: Donovan and Visby

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,329 Posts
Yuuuup, lol. I was always the perfect golden child growing up. What confused and irritated me though was how oblivious my mom was to her own flaws and the extent to which she used me as a crutch, which she acknowledges now. Once I moved out and she started trying to rely on my sister (INFP type 4) for the same service, things went to shit for a while until my mom sent sister off to a mental institute for rebelling. According to mom she was "better" when she came back. I'm not sure if my mom is a straight up narcissist but she has some of the tendencies and they used to be a lot worse. She thrives on control and plays up her own importance around others while openly sharing all our flaws, hates everyone who's ever mistreated her in the slightest and starts storms of drama by acting like an entitled brat in the worst possible circumstances.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
149 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Yuuuup, lol. I was always the perfect golden child growing up. What confused and irritated me though was how oblivious my mom was to her own flaws and the extent to which she used me as a crutch, which she acknowledges now.
So - would you claim that your enneagram is somewhat of a response to her behaviour? Turning to her exact opposite, that is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,329 Posts
So - would you claim that your enneagram is somewhat of a response to her behaviour? Turning to her exact opposite, that is.
Definitely. I think our relationship with our parents DOES in part determine our enneatype. This post on the topic in particular made a lot of sense to me. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
149 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Definitely. I think our relationship with our parents DOES in part determine our enneatype. This post on the topic in particular made a lot of sense to me. :)
Very interesting :) Thank you! My mum quite obviously is an assertive parent - though I would have to place my dad somewhere in the neutral-responsive spectrum.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
149 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
I can see this theory working in some form if assertive and (somewhat) responsive were to cancel eachother out and create a big, neutral parental blob.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,329 Posts
omg yes!! Both of my parents are sooo neutral =/
Yup! If you take a closer look, the heart types all had neutral parents, head types had responsive parents, and gut types had active parents. So it makes sense that me and my sister are both heart types. :)

And that makes sense, @Visby. I think it would be fair to say that 2s, 3s and 4s all grew up feeling... overlooked by their parents.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
Yup! If you take a closer look, the heart types all had neutral parents, head types had responsive parents, and gut types had active parents.
Now I'm trying to do this with people I know and none of them are correlating with what I think their parents are. So either I'm guessing types wrong or this isn't always accurate... oh well at least it was right about us!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,329 Posts
Now I'm trying to do this with people I know and none of them are correlating with what I think their parents are. So either I'm guessing types wrong or this isn't always accurate... oh well at least it was right about us!
Well for the record, I think the same parents can have a different influence on different kids. My mom is very neutral with me and my sister but responsive with my brother, who's a 7w8. :) But yeah, it's not foolproof!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
Well for the record, I think the same parents can have a different influence on different kids. My mom is very neutral with me and my sister but responsive with my brother, who's a 7w8. :) But yeah, it's not foolproof!
Funny you say that because I was specifically thinking my husband seems 7w8 but he tells me how overly controlling his mother was with him. Perhaps his Dad was less, though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,329 Posts
Funny you say that because I was specifically thinking my husband seems 7w8 but he tells me how overly controlling his mother was with him. Perhaps his Dad was less, though.
That could explain the 8 wing then? 8 seems to appear either in the wing or in the tritypes of people with controlling parents. :eek:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,882 Posts
Definitely. I think our relationship with our parents DOES in part determine our enneatype. This post on the topic in particular made a lot of sense to me. :)
Yup! If you take a closer look, the heart types all had neutral parents, head types had responsive parents, and gut types had active parents. So it makes sense that me and my sister are both heart types. :)

And that makes sense, @Visby. I think it would be fair to say that 2s, 3s and 4s all grew up feeling... overlooked by their parents.
Emphasis mine; it hits right at home. My father was always afraid of being un-manly, my stepfather was afraid of getting too close and hurting us the way his dad did with him, my stepmother was uncomfortable with the idea of having children for a long time (and had children of her own with my dad when she did become ready; kind of a kick in the balls there as the established children), and my mother was the working parent between her and my stepdad (whom I lived with for most of my childhood). My mother was the only one who was consistently emotionally available to us, and she wasn't around much due to her work. "Overlooked" only tells the half of it; ignored feels a bit more accurate. Not such a surprise that both my older brother and I turned out to be heart types because of it (he's a 3 so far as I can tell).

Amusingly enough, my little siblings seem to have turned out to be a 7 and a 6 with my father and stepmother being much more responsive to them than they ever were with my older brother and I. So that holds up with what the post you linked was talking about, too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,238 Posts
My dad was very cold and it was hard to ever feel any love from him, my mom was kinda off and on, and I definitely think it contributed to my 2ness, on top of being naturally emotionally sensitive.

I suspect my dad of having NPD, I know my mom has BPD and my sister is definitely the golden child, and she turned out very very different than me/had none of my problems.

but in regards of my mother it is not the same. From time to time I realise I'm walking on my tip-toes so that she will be unable to find any fault in what I'm doing, saying, thinking or even implying.
This really rings true for me with my father... for a ridiculous example, I was too afraid to even drink diet coke around him because he thought artificial sweeteners are really bad for you.

Additional question; do you still live with your narcissistic parent(s)?
Nope and it changed me quite a lot to move in with my boyfriend and be out of my father's grip! I lost a central coping mechanism (appeasing and relying on my father, even if I hated it inside) and found myself doing unhealthy things to get my boyfriend to fill a more dominant, sort of paternal role, but I'm working on it. :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
299 Posts
I am as '2' as 2-s come! My parents are stable folks. Mother is an ESFJ with a big big heart and a go-get-it-done-now attitude. She let me be a child for the longest time, enjoying her role as the parent. However, my teenage and individuality clashed with her more traditional attitude towards things, but it was really not a big deal. We agreed on many other things, so it didn't hurt both of us all too much. Dad is rational and at the same time empathetic. He is a man with an injured ego, but who worked very hard to prove to himself that he is worth getting good things in the world. He brought me up to be competent and confident and believes in his kids more than the kids themselves do! :)

So, then, I have had a great childhood.

BUT, my parents didn't get along very well between themselves, so we had a lot of strife at home and I was constantly playing peacekeeper. But they OPERATED very well with each other (one being the strategist, the other being the tactical operations person) and so as PARENTS, they were great. As husband and wife, they were a miserable pair, constantly at loggerheads with each other.

Both their kids (my sibling and I) grew up very confident and competitive in a healthy way. We also were nurtured with rational empathy for human beings and their circumstances by my dad and being responsible for and active in the society around us by my mom. :)

I am a pacifist, generally, and love to take care of people and feel needed. I work very hard with people who 'need' me. BUT, if pushed too far, I don't play the martyr act; instead, I act out and rebel.

To your point, neither of my parents had any parenting 'issues' as such. Definitely not of the narcissistic variety anyway. I didn't want to see any more strife, so I became a pacifist.

Does this background help you in any way?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,145 Posts
Definitely. I think our relationship with our parents DOES in part determine our enneatype. This post on the topic in particular made a lot of sense to me. :)
Wow. So true. However the neutral parent in my scenario will literally want me to care for myself to take care of her. So it's less than neutral. Also, curious how other 2's were taught or encouraged to express their feelings (the negative ones). For me, I was taught harshly to not cry. I would have to literally go to the bathroom and cry in a towel or my bedroom with a pillow or I would be in trouble. Not like trouble in a punishment way. Just scolded for it. To this day I have to admit the underlying fear that people will go away when I express sad, hurt, or upset feelings. It's been like 2 years I've been working on asserting my boundaries and voicing what is important to me but STILL, major flaw in my character without feedback that it's okay which is nauseatingly needy. It's not that happy feelings aren't authentic. It's like the sad feelings I detach and analyze rather than feel them to move forward. Anger on the other hand wasn't AS discouraged. So it's more comfortable (feels like it's ok) to express anger than it is for sad.


Anyone else relate to that ? In other words .. Is it the neutral parent or the discouragement to have my needs met/sad feelings voiced. Or am I seriously the most fucked up two type here? :p
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,145 Posts
That could explain the 8 wing then? 8 seems to appear either in the wing or in the tritypes of people with controlling parents. :eek:
That's interesting to note since I would consider 8 my gut fix.

Btw. Thanks for the link. Should have mentioned that in the other post. :)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,145 Posts
Just thought on that link again. My wing is 1 which corresponds to the other parent. I know a few people whose mother coincides with the core fix and the father the wing. I found that an interesting pattern but only with a few people I know close enough. I wonder if there is any merit to that. responsive child & neutral mother/active father = 2w1 for me. Same is the case with 2 people I know, their parents and their enng. Probably a coincidence but interesting nonetheless. :p
 
1 - 20 of 27 Posts
Top