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Ok so I am very INFP and I have been struggling a little lately. I'm 19 in college and people don't seem to want to talk to me, I have no clue as to anything related to fashion and really have no intention to start. I think it's completely stupid to follow fashion rules etc, WHATEVER. That's so not important to anything. Anyway, I do things my own way based on my own/personal opinions. I don't let anyone tell me what to do or how to dress. I'm not selfish however, despite what people seem to think. I am a deeply caring and understanding person who is easily hurt and walked all over on by others. I don't conform or act normally at all not because I chose to be rebellious but because I never even cared or thought to check what was 'normal'. I just did whatever I thought I liked or was morally right.

So here are my problems,

People walk all over me
I get treated poorly for trying to treat others the way I would like to be treated
I try to be friendly but polite, but that seems to get me no where
Pretty girls show absolutely no interest in me even though I think my looks are at least average, I don't believe I am ugly by any means. I am fairly athletic I think, do/did sports all through highschool. Not overweight etc.

So whats the deal? Society doesn't respect kind people who are true to themselves?

That's really sad.

I guess I am just looking for some sympathy because I don't get any in real life (I feel so pathetic writing this it hurts). I have one or two good friends, both male though. One is an INTJ and we get along great! lol, and the other I am not sure of. I'm pretty sure most people don't know/care about mbti at my age so I don't bring it up much.

Oh, and I pretty much refuse to party, drink, smoke, have casual sex etc because it goes beyond my beliefs. I think those things are just plain dumb. And more importantly, morally wrong. However it seems like girls like these things?! :shocked: :shocked:

I have always been told that if I be myself people will like/respect me, well the opposite has been true for me.

Like I said, when I am truly being me self I am butt rapped by others and walked all over. Effectively bullied the hell out of. I don't hold it against them though because I hope that they will change in the future. I guess I am a "nice guy" that others believe to be a jerk. I don't see how I am a jerk? Maybe because I don't give a rats ass about society and whats expected of me? Because I can't be myself? Because I am caring? Since when is a sensitive guy a jerk?

Like I owe some ass hole an apology? This can't be what the world is coming to?

Yet, I feel like a whiner. Despite what others say I don't want to change myself and I am astonished that others feel so differently. The single thing that shocks me the most is that nice/sensitive guys are perceived to be ass holes or jerks by other people/most people. It seems like its I either stick up for myself and become hated for my guts, or I get walked all over on and am still hated for being such a lazy/bum/loser/b*tch/ass hole etc.

I hate being the normal teenage whiner INFP, but seriously? I didn't do anything to anyone and got shit for it from others for just standing for what I believe to be morally right.

I am bothered that people feel that way about me and the world. I fear the future for sure.
 

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You're only 19, life is only beginning for you. In my personal experience, you wont find many mature people in your teens and early adolescence. Just continue your life the way you want to live it, eventually you will find someone who accepts you for who you are.
 

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You basically have three choices for your life:
1. Be what other people want you to be. This is the choice you take if other people's opinions are what you care about most. It's not really a good idea because people are fickle.
2. Be yourself, no compromise. The cliche "be true to yourself". But if that's how you feel fulfilled, go for it. You'll find a few interesting people who appreciate it.
3. Be yourself where it MATTERS, and do some things to make people more comfortable. For instance, people will make first impressions based on your clothes; you could try wearing something that's timeless: t-shirts and jeans.

If you voice your complete disregard for something people care about, they'll call you a jerk. ENTPs do things like that, but we laugh at the negative feedback. If people's response to your opinions bothers you, maybe you should only take strong stands on moral issues.
 

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It's because you live too internally, within yourself, inside of your own head too much. You have this perception of what the ideal self should be an it consumes you. It's impossible, it's unattainable. Shed how you feel and just be yourself. As you age, you'll see that being yourself is the way to go, and it comes more naturally.

You're still at an age where you are taking the world in and realizing that you are really different and weird, or at least that's how you feel, although you don't see why you have to be weird. It's hard to understand. Realize this, accept it, and then start to keep your eyes open for the countless other people like you. The one's that aren't assholes, that aren't so "normal", and the one's that will accept you as much as you accept them.

Focus less on your perceived shortcomings, (because most people are bored with hearing about them, I learned the hard way), and kind of take people in more. Don't let your Fi consume yourself and use it as a strength to think of others that make you feel good about life.
 

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Thanks, I am starting to realize that being an INFP is going to be tough. Fi does consume me. And that's what is cool, I can retreat back into my beautiful world inside my head (lol) until someone slaps me back into reality. :tongue: I wish that people would just understand... oh well. I always thought I was too sensitive and a push over, but I can't be like everyone else. It would make me feel terrible inside. I will try to remember what it was like when I was a kid. Everyone was so nice and I could just be me.

I will have to try and bring that out of me again and hopefully people will reciprocate.

I totally agree about the "ideal" self. It's true. I am always so busy thinking about how my "dream/ideal/best" w/e self could be that I don't actually do ANYTHING LOL. I spend everyday thinking and daydreaming, living inside my fantasy lands and barely get my homework done. :laughing: :blushed:

I even find myself contemplating/dreaming at work... I catch myself about 10 or 20 min in and say, oops I better get back to work! true story!

This happens to me all the time! In class, driving on the freeway, in the shower (especially in the shower, you can't imagine, well maybe you can but I digress).

Maybe It would do me some good to spend some time actually outside my own head.


I have always seen life from the inside looking out. Never really considered how I might look to others only the opposite.

I actually consider myself and other people 'entities' living inside 'beings' LOL :rolleyes: :unsure:

In fact that is perfect, well almost :tongue: :wink: My ideal self is an entity. Not material. God knows I can't be an entity but I do my best to be deep and spiritual, very non-concrete or rational. I guess that's the problem. Most people don't want to be aloof and kind of ignorant really. But I don't mind haha. Ignorance is a bliss as far as I'm concerned. Half the time I am never experiencing any emotions that are triggered by reality or tangible events/people anyway as I am almost always thinking in my head and zoning out.

The only way I can express myself out loud is by doing things I love like music and snowboarding.

However, you will never know I like those two things about me because chances are I wont tell you in person LOL.

So I suppose now I kinda know what I need to "fix" about myself but really all I'm doing is creating another 'ideal' that is always just out of my reach. I can never figure out when good is just good enough. Not that any of you can do anything about it. But I do feel better talking to some of you about it. :happy:
 

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Stop expecting the world to change for you so that you can continue to 'be yourself', it's never going to happen. Stubbornly digging your heels in only creates a hole and the world won't give a shit if you stay in that hole your entire life.

If you want to make any changes, it involves gaining a level of respect first. You need to figure out how to show others who you are, in a way that they will interpret correctly and whining about being misunderstood won't achieve that. That doesn't mean that you aren't being true to yourself, it means that you're working with reality as it is.
 

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Noones like "hey lets make sure fleetfeet2004 feels like sh*t about himself", its something with how you come off. Plenty of "nice" dudes have healthy social lives, it's something else.

So you can either analize and change the way you act when socializing, or become a famous musician/actor so that you dont have to worry about having social skills in order impress people.
 

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You basically have three choices for your life:
1. Be what other people want you to be. This is the choice you take if other people's opinions are what you care about most. It's not really a good idea because people are fickle.
2. Be yourself, no compromise. The cliche "be true to yourself". But if that's how you feel fulfilled, go for it. You'll find a few interesting people who appreciate it.
3. Be yourself where it MATTERS, and do some things to make people more comfortable. For instance, people will make first impressions based on your clothes; you could try wearing something that's timeless: t-shirts and jeans.

If you voice your complete disregard for something people care about, they'll call you a jerk. ENTPs do things like that, but we laugh at the negative feedback. If people's response to your opinions bothers you, maybe you should only take strong stands on moral issues.
Lol I'm a lot like an ENTP except I care
 

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You seem like such a sweetheart, and I think your "problem" is that you're just too mature for the seemingly vapid college kids that surround you :happy: Being kind and being yourself DOES pay off when you're surrounded with the right people...shame though most people around you seem to be too immature to respect that. While you're waiting for your peers to grow up, try getting to know people with a different, more open mindset, people you could click with at a deeper, more intelligent level - for example, by getting involved in groups dedicated to reading, art, music, spirituality...anything that's likely to foster alternative thinking. Or also try hanging out with older people :happy:

Being different can be tough, especially when you're young, but it does get better with time and when you find a personal purpose/passion to dedicate yourself to, plus nice people that will appreciate you for who you are :happy:
 

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Lol yeah. My Ne-self is like "lemme point out the inconsistencies, irony and lameness in what most other people think, say and like from my perspective", then my Fi is like "what if I rub someone the wrong way?"
That just made my day. I used to think I was conflicted. Don't worry, some people won't tell you that you've hurt their feelings; instead they'll let it simmer for years and become empty shells. But you won't know! :happy:
 

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You basically have three choices for your life:
1. Be what other people want you to be. This is the choice you take if other people's opinions are what you care about most. It's not really a good idea because people are fickle.
2. Be yourself, no compromise. The cliche "be true to yourself". But if that's how you feel fulfilled, go for it. You'll find a few interesting people who appreciate it.
3. Be yourself where it MATTERS, and do some things to make people more comfortable. For instance, people will make first impressions based on your clothes; you could try wearing something that's timeless: t-shirts and jeans.

If you voice your complete disregard for something people care about, they'll call you a jerk. ENTPs do things like that, but we laugh at the negative feedback. If people's response to your opinions bothers you, maybe you should only take strong stands on moral issues.
I'll second this response. I tend to go with #3 as a best practice. I wouldn't walk into a job interview with shorts and a T-Shirt for example even though I might be comfortable in that. On the other hand I wouldn't engage in activity that I view as unacceptable just to please someone else.
 

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So here are my problems,

People walk all over me
I get treated poorly for trying to treat others the way I would like to be treated
I try to be friendly but polite, but that seems to get me no where
Pretty girls show absolutely no interest in me even though I think my looks are at least average, I don't believe I am ugly by any means. I am fairly athletic I think, do/did sports all through highschool. Not overweight etc.
I hope I'm not being too presumptuous or intrusive; but I think with these issues (particularly getting walked over) it would be a good idea to get professional help in regards to assertiveness, self esteem etc.

I could have you completely wrong as I am only going by what I interpreted from your post, but I went through similar troubles and seeing someone helped quite a bit.
 

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Most of these do not sound like "INFP problems" - they sound like the issues of an introvert with "extraversion" problems (Jung talks about this with regards to introverts holding themselves to ideals that are too far removed and lofty from the reality of the outside world, so that a "power complex" might take root, causing the person to succumb to their lack of adaptability to the conditions of the objective reality around them and get everything they wish not to associate themselves with as a result). You don't sound like you're being true to yourself because you're almost a little too concerned with the outside world to be - if you were true to yourself, why do others have to only be true to you would be my next question for you? No one can read your mind and know what your expectations are.
 

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Ok so I am very INFP and I have been struggling a little lately. I'm 19 in college and people don't seem to want to talk to me, I have no clue as to anything related to fashion and really have no intention to start. I think it's completely stupid to follow fashion rules etc, WHATEVER.
You have my sympathy. Starting college can be isolating for anyone. It’s also often the moment that people get to see what their peers are really like, without the masks they put on for the adult supervision. Making sure that you have chosen the right college is important, it may be that you need to change to one that is more your speed. Maybe it’s too big? Maybe there’s too much of a status-conscious atmosphere?

People walk all over me
I get treated poorly for trying to treat others the way I would like to be treated
I try to be friendly but polite, but that seems to get me no where
I’d say friendliness and golden rule are only half the battle, that sometimes you have to make sure you are also treating them the way they would like to be treated, and show more than just your friendliness….. that you aren’t just another smiling face but a person who wants to connect to you. Easier said than done, I know. This is an ongoing life-long challenge.

Oh, and I pretty much refuse to party, drink, smoke, have casual sex etc because it goes beyond my beliefs. I think those things are just plain dumb. And more importantly, morally wrong. However it seems like girls like these things?! :shocked: :shocked:

Like I said, when I am truly being me self I am butt rapped by others and walked all over. Effectively bullied the hell out of. I don't hold it against them though because I hope that they will change in the future. I guess I am a "nice guy" that others believe to be a jerk. I don't see how I am a jerk? Maybe because I don't give a rats ass about society and whats expected of me? Because I can't be myself? Because I am caring? Since when is a sensitive guy a jerk?
Are you sure they don't just think you’re pretentious for throwing their only idea of socialization out the window? Again, you don’t need people like this. Somehow somewhere there are people your age who have a wider concept of having a good time. That’s what the school clubs are for, though you don’t necessarily need to join any of them.

Opportunities to continue your personal development aren't just going to be delivered to you much anymore, it takes much more searching now. It's just the basic young adult struggle (though yours does seem to show an introverted mindset, I did keep this in mind).
 

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Lost of great responses here. I am very grateful and can relate to a lot, and learn equally a lot from reading them.

Thank God for this forum because it gives me an opportunity to discuss things, albeit a bit whiny, with some relate able/educated/understanding people like yourselves.

I see what some of you are talking about. It never crossed my mind to treat others the way they want to be treated. I guess that makes a lot of sense, especially if the way I think is a minority. That one kinda caught me off guard. I suppose it's true.

I can also really relate to the "3rd option" post. I do think it is at the least acceptable to do things to make others more comfortable even if it's not something I really want to do because its a nice thing to do. I mean, who really wants to be under pressure and worrying about if they look ok or fit-in, they do it to make others comfortable and to show they care about it. I can appreciate that.

I do really like the "timeless" idea because then I don't have to actually follow trends. I like that.

And the reason I care so much is because starting in highschool this sort of shocked me. I really thought I was doing ok, but boy was I in for a surprise.

Now, the one thing that I feel like hasn't been addressed by anyone yet is:

How does one stop being so nice, without stopping being nice?

I mean, I feel kinda bad if I make others upset so I don't really like confrontation, so as a result I usually just take the insults and walk away. I don't really want to put others down and I don't want to offend anyone. The only thing I think about is why someone would act that way. It just seems so hurtful. I wish people would respect each other for who they are and adore the individual, quirks or characteristics that make them who they are.

That's what I really love about talking to people, when I do. I try to see all the special things about them that make them unique or an individual. Or, just people being themselves. I try not to judge, but it does make me sad to see people putting on a front to be cool, that just makes me feel sad. It's hard to explain, maybe disappointed or sympathetic is a better word? I feel like I can tell right away that they are being unnatural and it is off putting for me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I can understand why people like to put a little effort into wanting to show that they know what is popular or whatever by wearing name brands or driving a "cool" car. Idk though.

Thanks for being good listeners. :happy:
 

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How does one stop being so nice, without stopping being nice?

I mean, I feel kinda bad if I make others upset so I don't really like confrontation, so as a result I usually just take the insults and walk away. I don't really want to put others down and I don't want to offend anyone. The only thing I think about is why someone would act that way. It just seems so hurtful. I wish people would respect each other for who they are and adore the individual, quirks or characteristics that make them who they are.

That's what I really love about talking to people, when I do. I try to see all the special things about them that make them unique or an individual. Or, just people being themselves. I try not to judge, but it does make me sad to see people putting on a front to be cool, that just makes me feel sad. It's hard to explain, maybe disappointed or sympathetic is a better word? I feel like I can tell right away that they are being unnatural and it is off putting for me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I can understand why people like to put a little effort into wanting to show that they know what is popular or whatever by wearing name brands or driving a "cool" car. Idk though.
Firstly, I wanted to say that your ability to accept people as they are is something I admire very much. It's something I live by as well.

With your issue of how to not be a pushover without being someone who isn't nice. I don't quite understand what you mean. Are you saying you would feel like you are being mean if you say something to someone who is being unpleasant?
 

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People walk all over me
I get treated poorly for trying to treat others the way I would like to be treated
I try to be friendly but polite, but that seems to get me no where
Pretty girls show absolutely no interest in me even though I think my looks are at least average, I don't believe I am ugly by any means. I am fairly athletic I think, do/did sports all through highschool. Not overweight etc.
How does one stop being so nice, without stopping being nice?
If you want my suggestions in a quick, concise, less personal manner, just scroll down until you see numbers.

I dealt with the exact same problems you are dealing with now when I was your age. Like you, I don't drink, do drugs, have causal sex, etc. I also avoid confrontation at almost any cost, and I used to feel bad whenever someone else was feeling bad or whenever I had to hid my feelings so that others wouldn't feel bad. This equaled me almost always feeling bad.

One day I realized I can't make the world happy, nobody will be happy all the time, and me sacrificing my mental health wont help anyone else in the long run, it would only hurt me more. Therefore, while it is in my nature to care about everyone around me, whether I like them or not, and want the best for everyone, whether it is at a detriment to myself or not, I need to exercise control over my "caring" so that not everything brings me down. I learned to just not care in many situations that would have normally made me feel bad because someone else was feeling bad. It is not to say I am not a caring person, on the contrary I would say that I am able to care more because I am no longer going into depression frequently like I did from when I was a little kid to my early college years. I just choose to not give a crap about things I can't do much about, or trying to do something good would cause too much trouble to be worth it, and when I can help, especially when it is more rewarding for the receiver without detriment to myself (or even a reasonable amount), you betcha I will help.

Another thing that at your age, although I was good at just about any sport I played, and very good at basketball (I played it since I was 5), great at the drums (not so much anymore, but I played at Carnegie Hall and I was in a rush cover band for a bit), and not to shabby at snowboarding, I had low self-confidence. I was also horrible at public speaking until I took a public speaking class at my first college. I started off the worst speaker in the class of 30 girls and 4 guys, but ended up being one of the best. Even at the end of the class though, I was only good at public speaking because I felt comfortable with those students.

I didn't start building up my self-confidence until I joined the Honors Society and Honors Program at my community college, and then after joining, I became the honors class advocate in my honors class, and I ended up becoming a member of the executive cabinet in the Honors Society and joined student government. Those positions really helped me gain confidence. I also took an honors interpersonal communications class, which helped a lot with improving communication skills (I was always a great listener, and really good at explaining and teaching, but when it came to sharing my feelings or addressing problems, I would stay silent and just deal with problems and the discomfort until taking that class). Since I have had more self-confidence, nobody has given me any crap. Even the people just like the ones who used to give me crap in the past, don't give me crap now, but just turn to the guy who doesn't have as high of self-confidence. People pick on the person that is easies to pick on. Why? Because that person lets them. Who lets them? People with little self-confidence. Good thing about self-confidence? If you have it, you don't have to do anything because it shows in your body language.

So, after all that, my advice in a condensed format:
1. Don't care so much about other people when it is at a detriment to you (I don't say this in the negative sense, I say this in the neutral sense; so don't go around being a jerk and saying it was because some guy named Aaron on a forum told you not to care about them, but I trust you wont do that, and you will use your intuition to know when to care and when to stay neutral)
2. Take public speaking and interpersonal speaking classes as soon as you can in your college career. They will help with not only your other classes when you have to give presentations, but with your family, friends, classmates, and acquaintances.
3. Join a club and student government as soon as possible. Join honors classes if you can, and take positions of leadership in all of those that you can. The more you speak in front of groups, represent fellow classmates, and make decisions that affect others, the more confident you will be, the better you will feel about yourself, the more friends you will make, and the better your resume will look ;)

Oh, and if I could add another one, I would add learn a language. 3 years ago I would have never thought I would have learned another language or traveled outside of the United States, but last year I taught English in Korea, started learning Korean, am on my way to fluency, and have gained a lot more confidence, knowledge of myself and of life living in a different country and relying on non-verbal communication, Ne, and strangers who were almost always extremely nice to a foreigner who made attempts to learn their culture. If I could change one thing about my past, it would be learning a foreign language instead of playing the countless hours of video games I played age 16-21.

Lastly, with your comment about the girls. After being friends with plenty of girls, both American and foreign, I have come to realize that while there are great American girls out there, the majority of American girls I have met are more similar to what you describe and I think our cultures values and the media have a significant amount of influence over how those girls are acting. Along with that goes my impression of foreign girls, which has been quite the opposite. Don't get me wrong, there are still foreign girls that one might call "slutty" but the proportion seems to be in reverse. It could just all be one big show, but I personally am focused on self-improvement, career goals, and having a stable income before looking for someone to have a family with. If I find someone early, that would be awesome too, but I will wait until both her and I are ready with good income, all our goals completed that having a child or two would interfere with, etc.

Good luck! Don't worry, if not sooner, life will be better for you by your early/mid twenties ~22+
If you take any of my advice, send me a message and let me know how it works out in a couple years, that is, if you remember.
 
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