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My internet girlfrond sez she's completely in love with me, so much so that "it hurts" and she doesn't know what to do or how to "snap out of it". Her feelings are really overwhelmed. This happens often.

So uh... wtf am I supposed to do?

I'll likely fly over and see her in August, and she sez that she's afraid of how sad she'll feel when I leave.

So um.... any insight on what's going on with her and what I can dooooo? I understand if someone gets rejeeeccted they feel bad, or if someone's afraid to lose someone they feel bad.... but these are not the case. So wtf is she feeling and why, and what am I supposed to dooooo?

Oh, it's an INFJ with ISFJ tendencies. 21 y.o.

As an afterthought, if I actually turned my empathy on I could probably handle this. But I don't like to do that :D So since your empathies are always on, might as well use it to advise me :D
 

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MOTM October 2013
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Lazy INTJ empathy is lazy? :tongue:

Well...it sounds like her feelings are really strong. Strong feelings are funny things...for me the best thing is to figure out where the feelings are coming from, what it is they're saying they "want", and then what's the most logical solution to get what you want.

So...if she's sad you'll leave..you could just not leave (lol). I figure that's probably not a very practical solution, so you may have to come with terms that you're going to hurt her a little bit no matter what. There's some ways of leaving that are less hurtful to her than others, though. (Don't ask me which, though, because I'm typically relieved when I get distance from someone, no matter who they are. :unsure: )
 

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Don't let her feelings control you. INFJ's live in constant emotional turmoil so I'm sure she can handle it.
 

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Don't let her feelings control you. INFJ's live in constant emotional turmoil so I'm sure she can handle it.
Hey now, that's not entirely accurate.
"Turmoil" is a pretty negative term, and I'd care to venture that it has much more to do with your psychological health than your Myers-Briggs type.
 
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You know I'm just teasing you guys right? Just so we're on the same page.

ok ok, uh, how about "cuckoolery?"
 

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@Idan of Europa - How would you expect anyone to pick up on that level of sarcasm over text?? lol.
I don't take stereotyping lightly, so I'm sorry for assuming that was your intention. :)
....But a smiley or "just kidding" would go a long way...just in case you're interested. :p
 
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Discussion Starter #7
Lazy INTJ empathy is lazy? :tongue:
Hey empathy is hard and suxorz, altho I am sure it's very useful, particularly for reeling in wonderful INTJ catches such as myself.

The trouble with turning on empathy for someone, is that it is difficult for me to turn it back off. It's not the greatest thing sharing another's feelings, particularly when those feelings are frequently negative. When it's on though, my insight is faabbbbuulous!

Well...it sounds like her feelings are really strong. Strong feelings are funny things...for me the best thing is to figure out where the feelings are coming from, what it is they're saying they "want", and then what's the most logical solution to get what you want.
K I shall turn it on for a moment... oooooommm.... ooooommm... 1 moment I need ice cream... ok I have returned. Oooomm... I think she wants meeeeeeeeee, alllll of meeee, consummately. She wants to be extremely close and bonded with me. She wants me to feel about her how she feels about me. What she wants is pretty much all emotional, except I'm sure she'd enjoy a lot of physical closeness, as an extension/expression of closeness/intimacy.

Her fzzelzlzlalalings are developing pretty fast. It took her 3 months to get to this point. I already feel as though she's too close for comfort. And I feel the weight of her neediness on me, and the weight of responsibility over her feelings. ~I'm~ not ready to be that close to her. And I don't really like how being responsible for her feelings limits my freedom (but I suck it up, cuz I'm a champ).

I think I know the right things to say to make her feel extremely close, and feel like I'm strongly in love with her. I don't want to do it because a) it's a misrepresentation and b) I've already let her in closer than I am comfortable with.

I guess the girl is just going to have to suck it up.

(Don't ask me which, though, because I'm typically relieved when I get distance from someone, no matter who they are. :unsure: )
That's cold.
 

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@Idan of Europa - How would you expect anyone to pick up on that level of sarcasm over text?? lol.
I don't take stereotyping lightly, so I'm sorry for assuming that was your intention. :)
....But a smiley or "just kidding" would go a long way...just in case you're interested. :p
Oh I'm definitely interested, Peggy. But as for @Idan of Europa, coincidentally he is accidentally correct: The girl is going to have to suck it up!
 

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If you text her regularly, I can already see why it hurts her so much. :tongue: I could barely get through the whole OP.

Anyway, INFJs don't really mellow out until they're older. I think maybe it's because our Fe's auxiliary, not dominant, so we don't have a really good grip on things until our 20s when Ti really starts kicking in strong. So, my suggestion would be to just relax and chill with her, and treat her well. *shrug*

Taking a few typing classes in the meantime wouldn't hurt either. :wink: (Kidding, mostly.)
 

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As an afterthought, if I actually turned my empathy on I could probably handle this. But I don't like to do that :D
The girl is going to have to suck it up!
She's probably afraid/self conscious somewhat due to the lack of empathy. I mean she pours her feelings (deep feelings/core) to you and you hardly bat an eye and indicate (well I'll be there in August, so everything will be good then). You realize connection is felt on many levels with people right? Physical, mental, emotional, etc...

Also do realize that whatever happens in a relationship or the individuals in the relationship reflects both and it's definition. Saying she needs to "suck it up" is not really empathizing with the situation. I'm not saying don't say it, but only if you can actually define why that needs to be said (if it's the correct thing to say) should it be said.

That might be a little confusing so I'll try to give you an example.

Let's say you find a woman who has amazing drive and passion, always striving for the next step (it's a mountain of steps but she's already indicated she doesn't care). Well she hits a bump and wants to "give up". However you say "suck it up" because you know deep down inside what she doing, she's looking for strength (redefining her motivation, and questioning it) however, you are there to push her into her motivation because you empathize with the self-struggle she is facing, but you are helping because you are pushing her back on track because you know that's what she wants.

Again this is empathy and ability to help fill the gaps a partner needs. Now that was only an example and not ever relationship will be like that, each relationship fills their own gaps.

She's looking for a way to be strong next to you, not be weak under you. You'll have to figure out the rest and how you both help define your relationship from here.

Noone can truly tell you why she feels a certain way. The only one who can is on the other end of that connection. You don't need an external source to tell you how to be. You need to tell the relationship how you are and work with the relationship to define each other.
 

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Tell her you love her, but that she needs to reevaluate her emotions. For her own sake. Remind her that it's better to be together from afar (how contradictory) than not being together at all, and that you should both be grateful to have this relationship. What the two of you have is (of course) something most people will never experience, long distance or close distance. When seeing things in perspective, she will realize that there's no reason to be sad at all. Rather, she should rejoice!

A perspective shift is a powerful thing, and also a natural way of problem solving for Ni-doms. Now turn on that empathy. We can't manage your relationship for you.
 
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I got very worried at this point......
I was slightly inebriated upon first reading the post which may be influencing my overall perspective on this subject. I hate to go off topic as i'm sure the OP has an actual need (actually i'm not sure of that at all). Its just very difficult to seriously discuss the concept of rejeeeection and tell someone what to doooooo.
@Feelings I know your internet "girlfrond" "sez" that she loves you so much it hurts but please use your INTJ objectiveness and consider that INFJ's have a tendency to fall in love with the idea of who they think a person is and not necessarily who the person truely is. Why don't you just go with the flow and let the result come to fruition on its own? Even if she is in love with you and let's say you find out you cannot reciprocate those feelings are you really going to subject yourself to a loveless e-lationship just to spare hurt feelings?
 
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