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Discussion Starter #1
Still deciphering whether or not I'm Fi or Ne domm. Either way though, I do need time to sift through my thoughts/feelings, especially when I'm bogged down by general life. But I can't seem to find a time that's appropriate.

A little background: I'm in the military and live in basically the equivalent of college dorms. So my friends are ALWAYS around, and have the same schedules as I do and are ALWAYS over at my place.

I think the easiest way for me to describe it, is that it seems as though I have just enough Fe in me to make me feel too guilty about telling my friends that I want alone time to actually do it.

I think this ends up biting me in the butt, because if I don't give my Fi time to sift, I work my way down to less developed functions and get stuck in a negative rutt. Do any other Fi doms/auxs face the dilemma? And if yes, how do you come to terms with what you need? Some feedback from Fes would be great too. Do you ever feel the same, like you need alone time but you just don't seem to have a socially open period of time to make it happen?

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Hiiii pocketDrop~

I can't relate. I've been in environments like summer camps and whatnot in the past where I began to burnout near the end of it all. But for the most part I would try to process right after waking up/before sleeping.

Fi needs to determine alignment/feelings before acting. Ne doms tend to act first and process later.

Do your friends know you need occasional alone time? For your own emotional/psychological balance and health's sake? I think they would be willing to support your need for time alone. They could always just come over a hour or two later or however other way it may be possible.
 

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Still deciphering whether or not I'm Fi or Ne domm. Either way though, I do need time to sift through my thoughts/feelings, especially when I'm bogged down by general life. But I can't seem to find a time that's appropriate.

A little background: I'm in the military and live in basically the equivalent of college dorms. So my friends are ALWAYS around, and have the same schedules as I do and are ALWAYS over at my place.

I think the easiest way for me to describe it, is that it seems as though I have just enough Fe in me to make me feel too guilty about telling my friends that I want alone time to actually do it.

I think this ends up biting me in the butt, because if I don't give my Fi time to sift, I work my way down to less developed functions and get stuck in a negative rutt. Do any other Fi doms/auxs face the dilemma? And if yes, how do you come to terms with what you need? Some feedback from Fes would be great too. Do you ever feel the same, like you need alone time but you just don't seem to have a socially open period of time to make it happen?

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Pocketdrop, I'm pretty dang sure you are ENFP, bud. Actually, I have no doubt...but you of course need to sort that out for yourself...and even then it doesn't always make these kind of questions easier...but I'll tell you right now that my INFP husband never would have this question. He is never in conflict like I am on it. =) anyway....my 2 cents. there are other things....your need for adventure... plus I see the Te. Whatever though....theres more INFPs to hang with on PerC anyway...=)
 
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Discussion Starter #4
Hiiii pocketDrop~

I can't relate. I've been in environments like summer camps and whatnot in the past where I began to burnout near the end of it all. But for the most part I would try to process right after waking up/before sleeping.

Fi needs to determine alignment/feelings before acting. Ne doms tend to act first and process later.

Do your friends know you need occasional alone time? For your own emotional/psychological balance and health's sake? I think they would be willing to support your need for time alone. They could always just come over a hour or two later or however other way it may be possible.
There was a specific time that I communicated it, and actually hurt my roommates feelings. So I avoided the topic for a while, then caused more damage when I somewhat lashed out XD. Damage didn't last for more than a couple days though. Nobody in my group really lingers on negative emotions.

Usually, those 2 examples aside, they are definitely understanding of it. And I generally know that they would be. I just still feel bad, especially beings a couple of them are going to be gone for 6 months here pretty soon.

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Thanks to both of you for clarifying even further my Ne/Fi dilemma!

It makes sense that Fi doms process first explore later. I guess I just need to realize how different people are and how much each person's social meter is.

I think sometimes I don't give my Ne as much credit as it's due, and I may be a little prone to swinging through rutts fairly often lol

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Conflict avoidance isn’t the most effective way of conflict resolution.
Well, often it’s the first way for many types trying not to hurt anyone. But he is not avoiding, he’s here to get advice to improve the situation. :smile:
@pocketDrop, I think it’s a tough one since you are living in such cramped close quarters. You may not be able to have time alone at your place, but rather outside. Being in nature is always a great way to energize.
 

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Still deciphering whether or not I'm Fi or Ne domm. Either way though, I do need time to sift through my thoughts/feelings, especially when I'm bogged down by general life. But I can't seem to find a time that's appropriate.

A little background: I'm in the military and live in basically the equivalent of college dorms. So my friends are ALWAYS around, and have the same schedules as I do and are ALWAYS over at my place.

I think the easiest way for me to describe it, is that it seems as though I have just enough Fe in me to make me feel too guilty about telling my friends that I want alone time to actually do it.

I think this ends up biting me in the butt, because if I don't give my Fi time to sift, I work my way down to less developed functions and get stuck in a negative rutt. Do any other Fi doms/auxs face the dilemma? And if yes, how do you come to terms with what you need? Some feedback from Fes would be great too. Do you ever feel the same, like you need alone time but you just don't seem to have a socially open period of time to make it happen?

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Do you have your own room? If you do, lock the door. Don't answer when anyone knocks. When I was at uni, for some reason everyone hung out in my room. I would flat out blank the people at my door some days as I just needed a day alone to chill and recharge. Sometimes you HAVE to give yourself some alone time and not feel guilty for it.
A good argument you can give your guilt is that you will be a better person for it, and therefore better to hang out with.

Also, another option is going for a walk in nature or going to the park. Bring a notebook, do some writing, get your thoughts out.
Or, perhaps, instead of driving/taking public transport to wherever you need to go, walk there instead and don't put in headphones. You'll probably need to leave earlier but at least you're killing two birds with one stone, and you'll feel less guilty about the accidental alone time.
 
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I read through the whole thread and I'm not understanding the conversation that's happening as it relates to the OP.
So I'll just respond directly to the OP question:

Do any other Fi doms/auxs face the dilemma?


Yes, when I lived with my family (I grew up with parents who punished introversion) and also the times I spent in summer camps. I always struggled to communicate to people my needs, so I would put up with more than I could chew.
I also struggle with this at work, when spending 7 hours with people I'm absolutely exhausted and have lost touch with myself, but I can't communicate to others that I need them to leave me alone, so I just die inside, become a zombie, become grumpy and mean.

And if yes, how do you come to terms with what you need? Some feedback from Fes would be great too. Do you ever feel the same, like you need alone time but you just don't seem to have a socially open period of time to make it happen?
Yes, I've had plenty of jobs where the schedule didn't give me enough time for myself, especially when at the same time I had to invest energy and time into my then-relationship + my entire family.
My parents are extremely clingy and they don't want to hear excuses about how tired I am and how much I need to introvert; my mother in particular believes that introversion is a mental illness, one she has no tolerance or sympathy for.

The way this usually goes is me having some kind of mental breakdown of some sort.

But before I was old enough to work, in summer camps I would disappear in order to be alone. Since I couldn't communicate to people what I needed, in desperation I would leave camp and go into the woods and hide for a few hours. This was terrifying for the staff, cause something could go wrong, but I just couldn't communicate, and when I feel trapped like that, I just shut down and take matters into my own hands and break the rules. So I hid. I still do this with my parents when they're blowing up my phone or showing up at my door unanounced; I pretend I don't exist.

If you are incapable of communicating your needs to others, your option is to disappear. Whatever that looks like for you.
Now, of course I encourage you to tell people to go elsewhere to mingle.

My entire life I have found that telling people that you need time alone insults them for some reason, they take it personally.
 

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I think this ends up biting me in the butt, because if I don't give my Fi time to sift, I work my way down to less developed functions and get stuck in a negative rutt. Do any other Fi doms/auxs face the dilemma? And if yes, how do you come to terms with what you need? Some feedback from Fes would be great too. Do you ever feel the same, like you need alone time but you just don't seem to have a socially open period of time to make it happen?
Everyone needs alone sometimes - even extroverts. And it makes sense that you would become more stressed without getting the time you need to yourself. It makes me wonder if the majority of the people you spend time with are extroverts themselves.

There was a specific time that I communicated it, and actually hurt my roommates feelings. So I avoided the topic for a while, then caused more damage when I somewhat lashed out XD.
It sounds like this is the real reason you feel guilty about it in the back of your mind? Because this experience didn't go well. I don't know if your roomate's hurt feelings had something to do with the way you expressed your needs or not or maybe both? But if it did, just make sure to communicate it as diplomatically/respectfully as you can (next time) so the person doesn't get the impression that you dislike spending time with them. That it's not about that. You just need time alone for your own sanity and it's for their own good as well since you're more likely to lash out when you're stressed from not getting enough time to yourself. So emphasize the fact that you enjoy spending time with the person (unless you don't, I guess - but that's another story lol).



Damage didn't last for more than a couple days though. Nobody in my group really lingers on negative emotions.
That is good. I hope no one is secretly holding onto these emotions or suppressing them though.

I know my INFP brother often has trouble asserting his need for alone time (even harder since he's a type 9) or even just being the first person to say "good-bye" to a friend when it's time to go. He says he always envied how his friends could be casual about the whole "good-bye" thing and not feel guilty or awkward about it. So perhaps he blows it out of proportion in his head.

There have been times when he wanted more alone time and he had a hard time expressing that to me as well and I'm an introvert myself. Of course I would understand and do everything in my power to protect his needs and make sure he's taking care of those (that comes naturally to me, as an FJ). I genuinely care. I probably indirectly made him feel bad a couple of times though when he wanted alone time - like if I briefly expressed a minor amount of disappointment. I think xNFP's are very sensitive people and can often take these things to heart? In reality, it's not really a big deal. I'm just an expressive person and the slight disappointment is actually a compliment because it means I enjoy spending time with him. Of course I'm capable of entertaining myself though and I have many things I enjoy doing by myself. I learned that because he wasn't communicating his needs, he would spend alone time in secret lol. But that came out when I asked him another question about how he feels. I try to stay in tune with this because I'm interested and I care. I know some of his other friends don't really go out of their way to do that so it's more so on him to assert these things.
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All that being said, try not to let the negative experiences prevent you from asserting yourself in the future. It could be a question of HOW you communicate it as I mentioned earlier or it could be that person has a problem and they need to learn not to get so offended by the fact that you need alone time. It is not a reflection of how much you like them. So make that clear. That's all I could think of :)
 
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Wow! I had no idea that I had gotten so many more comments on this thread! Some really well thought out and well communicated points as well. I appreciate the time that y'all took

I did start acting on my need for alone time more appropriately. Such as eating at different times, and just letting others know more diplomatically that I need some time to clear my head.

I think it was the last comment them came from an FJ (sorry, didn't look at the tags before starting my post lol) and you said that allowing others their time is something that comes naturally. I find this really interesting/enlightening! I think this also shows some really good development in your functions. My last relationship was with an ENFJ, and she REALLY had trouble accepting the times when I needed a day away from her and everyone else. I correlate that more with less development rather than correlating that reaction with FJs in general. So thanks for your explanation!

A little update as far as where I'm at now:

I recently got put into a new area with a special duty (Honorguard. I'm now part of the group that holds flags and rifles at military ceremonies/funerals). This change GREATLY improved my energy levels. I think it helped so much because it is a position that I am more passionate about, so it is far more in-line with my Fi. At the same time, it's something COMPLETELY new with all new people. My Ne is pretty happy with having something new to learn and be a part of.

Either way, I'm out of the rutt that I was in when I first posted this, and some of that has to do with the feedback and positive reinforcement that I got from this thread. Plus, it always helps to just talk to people who are willing to listen and respond. So thanks again!

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