[anthracin]

This is my first post, though I have read a lot on this website about ISFPs. It helps me understand an ISFP colleague. I have grown very fond of him after knowing him for a year. But I battle to understand his intentions and actions.

My concern is whether I should tell him about my feelings (I read that ISFPs will never make the first move), but I worry that it might ruin our colleague relationship. But if I don't get some certainty, the agony worsens by the day...

 

[anthracin]

My long story (thank you for reading on)
When I met him he didn't look at me, he didn't tell me his name even though I tried to speak to him. He's always just so quietly working away, that made me want to chat to him. Sometimes he work outdoors and eats lunch at 5pm, which I show concern about. He is better with meal management now, not sure the real reason.

In the beginning he would laugh at my jokes and reply, which encouraged me to talk to him more. Sometimes (usually a day after I gone out of the way to help him with something) he would approach me and talk passionately about work.

Then 6 months ago a new female colleague (ESFJ) joined, she likes to talk to the ISFP and they get along. They talk about daily stuff, cameras, school, past experiences... Sensing topics, which aren't really my thing (being Intuitive). She seems closer to him than me to him even though I've known him longer.

Two months ago for about a week he was very cold to me, and I took it as him being interested in the ESFJ. I thought I made him angry for some reason, so I wrote him an apology letter, in it I mentioned he gives me motivation to work hard. When I gave it to him he said he wasn't angry at me and that we're friends. After that, I've stopped going up to him so often.

Recently, he's back to normal with me, although I don't joke with him anymore. He jokes with me though.

 

[MissNobody]

My long story (thank you for reading on)
When I met him he didn't look at me, he didn't tell me his name even though I tried to speak to him. He's always just so quietly working away, that made me want to chat to him. Sometimes he work outdoors and eats lunch at 5pm, which I show concern about. He is better with meal management now, not sure the real reason.

In the beginning he would laugh at my jokes and reply, which encouraged me to talk to him more. Sometimes (usually a day after I gone out of the way to help him with something) he would approach me and talk passionately about work.

Then 6 months ago a new female colleague (ESFJ) joined, she likes to talk to the ISFP and they get along. They talk about daily stuff, cameras, school, past experiences... Sensing topics, which aren't really my thing (being Intuitive). She seems closer to him than me to him even though I've known him longer.

Two months ago for about a week he was very cold to me, and I took it as him being interested in the ESFJ. I thought I made him angry for some reason, so I wrote him an apology letter, in it I mentioned he gives me motivation to work hard. When I gave it to him he said he wasn't angry at me and that we're friends. After that, I've stopped going up to him so often.

Recently, he's back to normal with me, although I don't joke with him anymore. He jokes with me though.

Have you been out on a date or anything? Or hung out with each other outside of work? If not, then ask him out

 

[Inveniet]

This is my first post, though I have read a lot on this website about ISFPs. It helps me understand an ISFP colleague. I have grown very fond of him after knowing him for a year. But I battle to understand his intentions and actions.

My concern is whether I should tell him about my feelings (I read that ISFPs will never make the first move), but I worry that it might ruin our colleague relationship. But if I don't get some certainty, the agony worsens by the day...

Having an affair at work is generally not a good idea. However I'm not laying down any laws.
It's your life and your workplace. ;-)
You have to get clear on what you want.

Firstly I think you need to chose if you really want him enough, that the consequences of going for him are worth it.
Only you know what is going on so only you can make that choice.
Whatever your answer you should follow it 100%.

If yes:
you go all in and take responsibility for whatever the price is, possibly losing a colleague and maybe even your job.
If no:
you go find another man on your spare time that are just as good and choose to be only friends your collegue.

Living in the middle will only be torture.

Now when it comes to us ISFP's not making the first move is plain wrong.
Don't let generalized stereotypes like that deceive you.
Every person is different!
I've made the first move on several occasions.
That being said girls have jumped out of hedges on me,
cause I didn't pay attention to my surroundings.

You say that he jokes with you.

Have he ever flirted?
With you or the other.
I can joke with everybody at a place of work if I'm in that mood.
I've also been in glum moods where people I know didn't deserve it, got harsh treatments for no reason at all.

You should take into account where he stands on the whole dating on work issue.
Where does the new lady stand on the topic?
So many unsolved variables here... XD

 

[Inguz]

But if I don't get some certainty, the agony worsens by the day...

I think that you may want to sit down and talk with him, for your own sake. Is the loss of a colleague relationship really worse than not knowing for certain? And what are your intentions?

 

[Kito]

Just don't make any serious advancements too quickly. We're pretty notorious for withdrawing if we feel it's moving too fast.

 

[Inveniet]

I think that you may want to sit down and talk with him, for your own sake. Is the loss of a colleague relationship really worse than not knowing for certain? And what are your intentions?

Second that more information is always useful in cases like this.
If you can ask him questions that can enlighten you on what is going on.
Or get someone else you trust to ask them for you if you can't make yourself.

Just don't make any serious advancements too quickly. We're pretty notorious for withdrawing if we feel it's moving too fast.

Yep too serious an advance too early may be a bit much.

First you need to get clarity on where you stand on the issue.
Then if you decide that is what you want, you need to start flirting.
Stand closer to him than usual, touch him slightly more than what is usual between you,
hold his gaze etc etc...
He will understand what you are getting at and he will have to make a choice himself.
Since that choice will be based on all sorts of things, the outcome will be unpredictable.

Hope it works out for the best for you.

 

[Inguz]

@hornet As I understood it, main point was for her to get some closure.

 

[Inveniet]

@hornet As I understood it, main point was for her to get some closure.

I see.
Closure would be a good thing if she have walked on eggshells for a long time.
We will have to see what happens, what she says, if anything.

 

[Benja]

With me, it would be better to do little things and read my body language than to straight up ask me about how I feel. If you want to know if he likes you in a girlfriend type way, they try acting like a girlfriend would with him and see how he responds. Try getting real close beside him and looking into his eyes, when you do, see if he likes it or gets defensive, maybe playfully touch him to see how he responds, if that goes well, try again but do it a little longer than a friend would and look into his eyes. It would be obvious how I felt about a girl through my body language if she tried little tricks like this. I'm not going to let some girl I don't like invade my space, try to test his responses through Se tasks, our feeling is introverted and kind of inaccessible.

Best of luck in figuring him out.

 

[anthracin]

Have you been out on a date or anything? Or hung out with each other outside of work? If not, then ask him out

We haven't done anything outside of work, the closest thing was having dinner alone twice. He asked me for the first one, and then I asked him three times afterwards, he only said yes for my request. I asked him to go biking wih a bunch of colleagues, which he declined saying he doesn't like biking. He did offer to pay for my dinner during he first time and offered me a ride home, to both I declined. Oh, he did give me and the ESFJ a ride somewhere.

 

[anthracin]

Having an affair at work is generally not a good idea. However I'm not laying down any laws.
It's your life and your workplace. ;-)
You have to get clear on what you want.

I'm sorry that I didn't mention that we're only in our mid-twenties and are not married.There is no company regulation that prevents office dating. My worry is that he will feel very awkward with me, if he's not interested. You know?

Sorry for stereotyping ISFPs. My dad's one... and I know we think very differently.

I force myself not to poke too much into the business between him and the ESFJ. I haven't seen him flirt (thankfully). But there are times when he just holds my gaze and looks at me intently... I don't know if he does that to other people.

I just feel that I wouldn't develop this deep affection for him if he didn't encourage it ...:sad:

 

[anthracin]

what are your intentions?

Thanks for pointing it out, I hadn't consciously thought about it. I intent to find out just how he thinks about me. If he's not interested then I'll stop thinking about him that way. If he is, I'm in no rush for anything, any commitment or obligations.

I think he knows that I enjoy his company, but either he doesn't feel appropriate or he's not interested in me , that he stopped initiating private time between us.

 

[anthracin]

I see.
Closure would be a good thing if she have walked on eggshells for a long time.
We will have to see what happens, what she says, if anything.

Yes, this uncertainty makes my Intuition going haywire. I try look for meaning in every little detail available. I feel also my shadow personality emerging where I get very pessimistic and gloomy. It makes me feel worse after I've been like that to the ISFP.

 

[anthracin]

With me, it would be better to do little things and read my body language than to straight up ask me about how I feel. If you want to know if he likes you in a girlfriend type way, they try acting like a girlfriend would with him and see how he responds. Try getting real close beside him and looking into his eyes, when you do, see if he likes it or gets defensive, maybe playfully touch him to see how he responds, if that goes well, try again but do it a little longer than a friend would and look into his eyes. It would be obvious how I felt about a girl through my body language if she tried little tricks like this. I'm not going to let some girl I don't like invade my space, try to test his responses through Se tasks, our feeling is introverted and kind of inaccessible.

Best of luck in figuring him out.

When I speak like a girl to him, he does become playful back (he's usually serious during work). I did get a chance of sitting close to him during a meal and I was asking him a question while focusing on looking at him, he quickly looked away (why? especially he's the one who held my gazes before).

He can be so affectionate and caring on some days, indifferent and business-like otherwise. Its just hard to understand. Do moods affect ISFPs this much?

@hornet and @Benja Thank you for your suggestion, I'll definitely try to get my hands on him when I get a chance to.

 

[Inveniet]

When I speak like a girl to him, he does become playful back (he's usually serious during work). I did get a chance of sitting close to him during a meal and I was asking him a question while focusing on looking at him, he quickly looked away (why? especially he's the one who held my gazes before).

He can be so affectionate and caring on some days, indifferent and business-like otherwise. Its just hard to understand. Do moods affect ISFPs this much?

@hornet and @Benja Thank you for your suggestion, I'll definitely try to get my hands on him when I get a chance to.

Yes moods can change from day to day.

About the gaze.
Having done something before doesn't mean that the result will be the same every time.
Maybe he tried to communicate something to you at that previous time.
Maybe he was surprised that you would hold his gaze too this time.

I would say from what you have written so far, it seems he likes you.
Now that is not enough, since I myself have liked countless women and nothing ever came of it.
One big question is how he views relationships at work.
If he sees it as a big no-no it will go nowhere.

You could bring it up casually.
Say something about reading some online story that bla bla % hook up at work and that bla bla % is open to the thought.

Like this.
Forty Percent of Workers Have Dated a Co-Worker, Finds Annual CareerBuilder.com Valentine

Then in that context ask him about how he views dating at the workplace.
You could let it slip that you view dating at work favorably, maybe he will be motivated to take action.
Especially if you get a little more hands on. ;-)

 

[anthracin]

Now that is not enough, since I myself have liked countless women and nothing ever came of it.
One big question is how he views relationships at work.
If he sees it as a big no-no it will go nowhere.

That is bad news. Is how one views something important for ISFPs because of being Fi Dom?

Thank you for taking the trouble for the idea and the link, I'll wait for a time to bring it up with him.

 

[mikki104]

there are times when he just holds my gaze and looks at me intently... I don't know if he does that to other people.

That was how I knew that my ISFP fiance was interested in me when we were working together; the long, intense looks were a dead giveaway. Also, I could tell he worried or cared about me a little bit. I was able to read his body language and figured that he was interested in me in some way or another, but I too thought it was mostly in a friendly way for a while. But then circumstances threw us together a bit, I had no place to stay for a weekend or two and had to crash at his apartment and it became pretty obvious to me then that he liked me. Still, it took a few weeks and a lot of beers and a LOT of hinting and flirting before we actually hooked up, and once that happened, well, we were both in deep. Afterwards, I found out that he was in agony over me for weeks or months. I def never suspected that!

It may be worth noting that my SO is very conscientious at work and comes off as much more serious and impersonal than he actually is. I would try to get your ISFP away from the workplace and talk about random stuff, get him to relax and laugh a bit, and then carefully gauge his attitude towards you. He may feel that flirting while at work is inappropriate and so is holding back.

As for the ESFJ, I have no idea. Maybe she is easier to talk to than you in some ways, but that doesn't necessarily mean he likes her more. But maybe he does.

BTW our relationship didn't mess up our work relations too much, we have actually worked together at many other jobs afterwards without a problem. Work relationships can end in disaster, but not necessarily.

 

[anthracin]

That was how I knew that my ISFP fiance was interested in me when we were working together; the long, intense looks were a dead giveaway. Also, I could tell he worried or cared about me a little bit. I was able to read his body language and figured that he was interested in me in some way or another, but I too thought it was mostly in a friendly way for a while.

He hasn't given me another one of those looks for a long time. He does seem to care about me, I lost a few kilograms over a short time, and no one had noticed, not even myself. I was surprised when he told me with pity that I've become a lot thinner. He is always so subtle with things that I'm always clueless about his intentions.

it took a few weeks and a lot of beers and a LOT of hinting and flirting before we actually hooked up

ISFP folks are very, very careful people?

I found out that he was in agony over me for weeks or months. I def never suspected that!

I get some people are like that, I'm one as well. I'm glad that's past for your fiance.:happy:

It may be worth noting that my SO is very conscientious at work and comes off as much more serious and impersonal than he actually is. I would try to get your ISFP away from the workplace and talk about random stuff, get him to relax and laugh a bit, and then carefully gauge his attitude towards you. He may feel that flirting while at work is inappropriate and so is holding back.

This ISFP is also very conscientious at work, in our personal dealings he is always so ever gentle and kind. Its funny that you recommend me to get him relax and laugh because he's the one who tries to to that with me because I just feel shy and awkward in his presence.

@mikki104 Thank you very much for sharing your story. I would really like to know, seeing that you're N and your fiance is S, if this has ever been a big issue for you two, and if your N and his S preferences are strong or not. Since I have very strong N preferences and I don't derive much pleasure in lengthy small talk topics, but he seems to enjoy those (with the ESFJ lady).

 

[Inveniet]

That is bad news. Is how one views something important for ISFPs because of being Fi Dom?

Thank you for taking the trouble for the idea and the link, I'll wait for a time to bring it up with him.

It's everything, at least for me.
If I've decided that I will or won't do something that is final, until I chose to change.

However that is just me, he doesn't need to have that hangup.
@mikki104 probably has better advice since she has firsthand experience with an ISFP.
I only know how to be an ISFP not deal with one.