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Discussion Starter #1
Okay, so i am curious if anyone else has this issue and whether or not its common..

So, i was sitting and thinking a few minutes ago, then I suddenly just felt an ounce of pain hit my heart..I feel like i've always been underestimated, since early childhood years of course..and whenever i break a milestone and accomplish what anybody has spoke down to me on, it's never enough and I never gain their acknowledgment..thus making that "milestone" null in value..

Its only worth something to me, because i felt i had made an accomplishment, but to others, in the grand scheme of things..i only hold the value of that accomplishment in MY heart, which practically is nothing because nobody else percieves it the same..and its not like this accomplishment will give me a sense of purpose or determination if no reassurance of its value was given.

Im just curious if anyone else has problems like this, as its very frustrating that one shall never be satisfied no matter how much blood, sweat and tears you give to have that someone honor your ambition..it hurts my pride.
 

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That's pride, fuckin with ya.

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

Yes, I feel I have more character than reputation. But I feel most people I respect, respect me. As Shakespeare said, a crown is in one's heart, not on one's head.

Second Keeper
Ay, but thou talk'st as if thou wert a king.
KING HENRY VI
Why, so I am, in mind; and that's enough.
Second Keeper
But, if thou be a king, where is thy crown?
KING HENRY VI
My crown is in my heart, not on my head;
Not decked with diamonds and Indian stones,
Nor to be seen: my crown is called content:
A crown it is that seldom kings enjoy.​
 

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Discussion Starter #3
That's pride, fuckin with ya.

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

Yes, I feel I have more character than reputation. But I feel most people I respect, respect me. As Shakespeare said, a crown is in one's heart, not on one's head.

Second Keeper
Ay, but thou talk'st as if thou wert a king.
KING HENRY VI
Why, so I am, in mind; and that's enough.
Second Keeper
But, if thou be a king, where is thy crown?
KING HENRY VI
My crown is in my heart, not on my head;
Not decked with diamonds and Indian stones,
Nor to be seen: my crown is called content:
A crown it is that seldom kings enjoy.​
Haha I like that reference! Though I don't feel like a king in reality or my head <:/..my value to others mean a lot to me. I have the highest respect for myself, but my perfectionist tendencies keep me at a constant movement to reach my full capacity..which leaves me aching for the acceptance of anyone that will acknowledge me for who I truly am..and who I want to be.
 
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I've had similar feelings, but I don't think there's much you can do about it short of telling people that you value their acknowledgement. However, I also realize that many people would see that remark as you being needy and perhaps even weak (which is not true).

One thing I've learned is that just because a person doesn't acknowledge your accomplishments explicitly, it doesn't mean they go unnoticed. In my case, I found out from others that they never commented on these things because they either did not know how to approach me or they were not surprised at what I had accomplished. Perhaps you have unknowingly presented yourself in a manner which has caused others to perceive you as a person who does not need that type of affirmation.

With all that said, I know it still hurts. It's not fair, so I make more effort in showing my appreciation for people. The thing that really helped me though was asking myself why I felt I needed to be acknowledged in that way. I deconstructed my pride and my entire identity. When I pieced everything back together, I felt that I had a great deal more of wisdom and perspective. It's hard to outline this process because it differs for every person. Also, it may sound simple, but it involves having a lot of honesty and a critical approach with regards to yourself. It also can be dangerous, as it affects how you perceive yourself and fit into the world.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I've had similar feelings, but I don't think there's much you can do about it short of telling people that you value their acknowledgement. However, I also realize that many people would see that remark as you being needy and perhaps even weak (which is not true).

One thing I've learned is that just because a person doesn't acknowledge your accomplishments explicitly, it doesn't mean they go unnoticed. In my case, I found out from others that they never commented on these things because they either did not know how to approach me or they were not surprised at what I had accomplished. Perhaps you have unknowingly presented yourself in a manner which has caused others to perceive you as a person who does not need that type of affirmation.

With all that said, I know it still hurts. It's not fair, so I make more effort in showing my appreciation for people. The thing that really helped me though was asking myself why I felt I needed to be acknowledged in that way. I deconstructed my pride and my entire identity. When I pieced everything back together, I felt that I had a great deal more of wisdom and perspective. It's hard to outline this process because it differs for every person. Also, it may sound simple, but it involves having a lot of honesty and a critical approach with regards to yourself. It also can be dangerous, as it affects how you perceive yourself and fit into the world.
Yeah..it's frightening how one criticism can turn into a challenge..I have yet to find a sense of identity for myself. I'm not the type of person that can get the silent treatment to count as "acknowledgment" either, I'm clueless sometimes and I need to have it literally said to me, even if I have to just ask. I acknowledge myself all the time..but it doesn't warm your heart like it would hearing it from someone else..
 

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I was actually talking with an old friend about this same dilemma earlier this evening.

I often feel like nothing I do is good enough, that when I accomplish goals that were very difficult for me, I am hugely let down by my family acting as if it was the least I could do. Though my accomplishments mean the most to me then they could for anyone else, it hurts because I feel as if I am viewed as damaged or something.

My friend gave me a new perspective for this, that a lot of people in your life may not be intentionally trying to put you down, it may be the case that they are actually trying to help you become the best you that you can be and they don't want you to settle for less than you are capable of. Still, even with this in mind, it is important that you know what you accomplished is worthy of a pat on the back even if you have to pat your own back.
 

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Yeah..it's frightening how one criticism can turn into a challenge..I have yet to find a sense of identity for myself. I'm not the type of person that can get the silent treatment to count as "acknowledgment" either, I'm clueless sometimes and I need to have it literally said to me, even if I have to just ask. I acknowledge myself all the time..but it doesn't warm your heart like it would hearing it from someone else..
I see what you mean, and you're right. Why should you be denied of something that others seems to readily receive? This can apply to a lot of things outside of this topic we're discussing. Some might just say "Well, life isn't fair," but what does that do? I would suggest talking to the people who are closest to you about this. People that you think can understand, or that might be receptive to the idea. Also I would remind you that if you do this, be ready to accept the consequences, even if they are negative. However, even if it does not bring the desired result, at the very least it will open a dialogue and maybe that might allow you to answer more questions in regards to your identity.

The way I see it, if you do not have a strong sense of identity, it will feel like you are simply floating through life aimlessly. It doesn't need to be something that is immutable, but it's something that you can fall on when you have nothing else. I like to look at the shifts in my identity and thought patterns to track my personal growth.

You're right though, you deserve to have that recognition. I think in my case my heart just grew cold over time, and I wouldn't want anyone else to go down that path. I'm sorry I couldn't help you, but I do hope that you eventually find what you are seeking. Also, the members here on PerC have helped me a lot in terms of validating myself. There was a time when I had no one to turn to, and the people here were there for me.
 

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If you have not found a sense of identity (are not in tune with your true self) then you don't really respect yourself. You are maybe respecting an image of yourself that you've created so others will accept you - but that is not your true self. Similarly, you're not truly acknowledging yourself by simply viewing this image that you've created for others. You are not what you do. Your accomplishments can never give you value really because you are already valuable just by existing. You are an expression of Love. A wonder to behold. Allowing yourself to feel that pain in your heart is good. That's the first step to healing - acknowledging that you never felt good enough just being yourself. You felt you had to be something else and keep on performing to be loved but love is NOT conditional. It's important that you know that. People who expect you to bend over backwards and don't even offer you a second glance don't really love you. It's time to discover who you really are and learn to love that person because that's your true self and nothing you do can make you any more or less lovable. It is a lesson in honoring yourself. Nobody can give you that gift but yourself and you're not going to be truly happy until you have that anyway. When you truly accept yourself, receiving praise is nice but it doesn't make or break you.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I was actually talking with an old friend about this same dilemma earlier this evening.

I often feel like nothing I do is good enough, that when I accomplish goals that were very difficult for me, I am hugely let down by my family acting as if it was the least I could do. Though my accomplishments mean the most to me then they could for anyone else, it hurts because I feel as if I am viewed as damaged or something.

My friend gave me a new perspective for this, that a lot of people in your life may not be intentionally trying to put you down, it may be the case that they are actually trying to help you become the best you that you can be and they don't want you to settle for less than you are capable of. Still, even with this in mind, it is important that you know what you accomplished is worthy of a pat on the back even if you have to pat your own back.
You explained this very well, the first paragraph resonates somewhat to how I feel..and as for your take on it, I do agree but I don't feel that I can give myself a pat on the back when realizing that everything that was done was for the acknowledgment of the other person, and if that acknowledgment isn't achieved, my whole reason for even crossing the boundary in the first place becomes null, as I wished for them to accept me..but then again that could be my problem.
 
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I see what you mean, and you're right. Why should you be denied of something that others seems to readily receive? This can apply to a lot of things outside of this topic we're discussing. Some might just say "Well, life isn't fair," but what does that do? I would suggest talking to the people who are closest to you about this. People that you think can understand, or that might be receptive to the idea. Also I would remind you that if you do this, be ready to accept the consequences, even if they are negative. However, even if it does not bring the desired result, at the very least it will open a dialogue and maybe that might allow you to answer more questions in regards to your identity.

The way I see it, if you do not have a strong sense of identity, it will feel like you are simply floating through life aimlessly. It doesn't need to be something that is immutable, but it's something that you can fall on when you have nothing else. I like to look at the shifts in my identity and thought patterns to track my personal growth.

You're right though, you deserve to have that recognition. I think in my case my heart just grew cold over time, and I wouldn't want anyone else to go down that path. I'm sorry I couldn't help you, but I do hope that you eventually find what you are seeking. Also, the members here on PerC have helped me a lot in terms of validating myself. There was a time when I had no one to turn to, and the people here were there for me.
Yes, I feel that I am existing without a purpose every day..I still don't have a reason to get up in the morning and move..but I do it anyway. In the hopes that I can find a kindred spirit to verify my existence, and seeing that person happy would be my purpose. At least I hope anyway, that's how I imagine it in my head. Otherwise I don't really have much of a reason to be on this earth, everything is too dull and mundane to truly fill this void..no career or acquaintances can really fill that. My longing for verification stems from wanting to find that kindred, which is why acknowledgment is important to me, and I feel like my existence is of some value to another.

And no, im the one who should be sorry, my problems are partially only answerable on my own, but I ask others because I need to have the reassurance that what im thinking is either right or wrong. So thank you for your input, it really does mean a lot, and since you're like me, I hope this didn't bring you down too much. I really do respect every answer given but if I don't question every detail of it, something about it just feels unsatisfying to my mind, and I will unconsciously just find new contradictions to torture myself with.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
If you have not found a sense of identity (are not in tune with your true self) then you don't really respect yourself. You are maybe respecting an image of yourself that you've created so others will accept you - but that is not your true self. Similarly, you're not truly acknowledging yourself by simply viewing this image that you've created for others. You are not what you do. Your accomplishments can never give you value really because you are already valuable just by existing. You are an expression of Love. A wonder to behold. Allowing yourself to feel that pain in your heart is good. That's the first step to healing - acknowledging that you never felt good enough just being yourself. You felt you had to be something else and keep on performing to be loved but love is NOT conditional. It's important that you know that. People who expect you to bend over backwards and don't even offer you a second glance don't really love you. It's time to discover who you really are and learn to love that person because that's your true self and nothing you do can make you any more or less lovable. It is a lesson in honoring yourself. Nobody can give you that gift but yourself and you're not going to be truly happy until you have that anyway. When you truly accept yourself, receiving praise is nice but it doesn't make or break you.
The more I read this, the more I feel that you have a good point. I have always been someone else for others to accept me, and not quickly judge my true self based on simple appearances..I also use this "other half" of me to just get to know people superficially first, before I show them my true self..which some will either stay or run away from.

My existence feels valueless because of the fact that I don't feel valued by anyone..my true self anyway. Which is why I even created this mask in the first place, to show me how these humans speak and talk to one another. I've learned a lot over the years even while keeping my identity hidden..and I know that if I showed my true self at those times, I would never be accepted by them. It was a harsh truth that made me keep the mask on, for my own self protection. Would It still count as not loving myself? Im not sure..

I have always loved who I am..but I never felt that this "self" had any value in the eyes of society, therefore, this "self" only had a value to me..and sometimes being who I am didn't help certain situations, so I had to adapt and change, even if it was temporary, in order to keep everything (including preventing future conflicts) from destroying me entirely.

I do feel that way now about praise, but its not the type of praise that holds meaning to me..the type of praise that holds meaning to me is the praise that makes me feel like "Wow, I've always wanted someone to say that to me...you're the first..T-T" even if it sounds sappy or corny..maybe I'm just fantasizing the positive outcomes too much and keep seeting myself up for disappointment because I was unprepared for the opposite..
 
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You explained this very well, the first paragraph resonates somewhat to how I feel..and as for your take on it, I do agree but I don't feel that I can give myself a pat on the back when realizing that everything that was done was for the acknowledgment of the other person, and if that acknowledgment isn't achieved, my whole reason for even crossing the boundary in the first place becomes null, as I wished for them to accept me..but then again that could be my problem.
I'm struggling with that realization as well. I ask myself, why does it matter in the end if they choose to accept me or not? I will still be me whether they support me or not. I really think that the most important person that I should be trying to impress is myself, I want approval of myself before I look for it from others. This is all much much easier said then done, of course. >_< Plus it never feels as good when you have to tell them to acknowledge your accomplishments, much less sincere which sorta just breaks my heart.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I'm struggling with that realization as well. I ask myself, why does it matter in the end if they choose to accept me or not? I will still be me whether they support me or not. I really think that the most important person that I should be trying to impress is myself, I want approval of myself before I look for it from others. This is all much much easier said then done, of course. >_< Plus it never feels as good when you have to tell them to acknowledge your accomplishments, much less sincere which sorta just breaks my heart.
Oh definitely. Its terrible when you have perfectionistic tendencies , as well as invalidation on top of that. Its just a whirlwind of different emotions and opinions hitting your brain all at once. Why am i doing this? Did i accomplish the objective? Is this accomplishment even significant? Did i waste my time?
 
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The more I read this, the more I feel that you have a good point. I have always been someone else for others to accept me, and not quickly judge my true self based on simple appearances..I also use this "other half" of me to just get to know people superficially first, before I show them my true self..which some will either stay or run away from.

My existence feels valueless because of the fact that I don't feel valued by anyone..my true self anyway. Which is why I even created this mask in the first place, to show me how these humans speak and talk to one another. I've learned a lot over the years even while keeping my identity hidden..and I know that if I showed my true self at those times, I would never be accepted by them. It was a harsh truth that made me keep the mask on, for my own self protection. Would It still count as not loving myself? Im not sure..

I have always loved who I am..but I never felt that this "self" had any value in the eyes of society, therefore, this "self" only had a value to me..and sometimes being who I am didn't help certain situations, so I had to adapt and change, even if it was temporary, in order to keep everything (including preventing future conflicts) from destroying me entirely.

I do feel that way now about praise, but its not the type of praise that holds meaning to me..the type of praise that holds meaning to me is the praise that makes me feel like "Wow, I've always wanted someone to say that to me...you're the first..T-T" even if it sounds sappy or corny..maybe I'm just fantasizing the positive outcomes too much and keep seeting myself up for disappointment because I was unprepared for the opposite..
A lot of what you describe sounds like type four struggles. I highly recommend reading The Wisdom of the Enneagram. It's very eye opening and helpful in becoming more healthy and balanced ;)
 
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Discussion Starter #15
A lot of what you describe sounds like type four struggles. I highly recommend reading The Wisdom of the Enneagram. It's very eye opening and helpful in becoming more healthy and balanced ;)
I actually did read it and it was very insightful..but im not good at this :( there are some things that I managed to change but...I cant change everything without becoming someone that isnt me
 
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