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Hey there,
I would like to know your INFJs take on this. You may judge me for the infidelity part ...

I don't get this ISFJ (29m).
He's been with his first girlfriend (long-distance) for over 10 years. We started having casual sex about 9 monthes ago. He made the first step. We started texting a lot, were seeing each other once or twice a week. Cuddling and talking afterwards. We starting meeting for a walk or lunch just as often.

Well. I fell in love. And to me it feels like he is, too.

He is very private about his relationship. And reluctant to talk about it. No matter to whom. Only when I repeatedly asked weither he was happy with his girlfriend he said: yes. Another time when I tried to talk openly he told me straight away: „I don't want to start a relationship with you. I am already in a relationship.“

As far as I know he has been cheating on his girlfriend quiet a few times. It started when he fell in love with another girl who was making an effort to seduce him a couple of years ago. That girl told me he wanted to leave his girlfriend. But when she came round, he had fallen out of love.

He confessed that he did not have sex with his girlfriend since we started having sex. It seems that she is never been much interested in sex... which is a pitty, because he is a very gifted lover who enjoys sex and intimacy beyond measure.

He is just as unwilling to talk about how we feel for each other. He shows me in many ways that he cares. He avoided phrasing it as „beeing in love with me“ but, actually, that is what I'm guessing. (Or hoping?) He did mention casualy, however, how he told a friend he was besotted with me. He is very appreciative and caring. He said he enjoys working with me. He compliments me a lot. On my body just as much as my personality. (He says stuff like: „How can one person be this wonderfull?“) When we can't see each other, he texts me that he misses me. Before we meet (even for work) he will text that he is locking forward to it. We are secretly holding hands under the table (e.g. in a bar with freinds). Well, and we just can't take our hand of each other. When I told him I would like to see him more often, he said I was pushing an open door.
But when I said I wanted more, he backed off. He tries to make it sound like we have a great friendship. Every time I told him that I don't want to be just friends he told me with tears in his eyes that he didn't want me to leave.

The grown up in me knows that this guy is not willing to leave his girlfriend, that I should not try to interfere any more … and that this is a stupid place to start a realitionship anyway.
But being realistic is not my strength. And the dreamy romantic part of me just wants to be with him. Because this feels amazing. Because I know how relunctant he is about big changes.
I feel stupid and naive. But then again. I felt like that every single time I fell in love.

I appreaciate any reply. Thank you so much for your time!
(I feel better just be writing this down.)
 

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what's to understand? he's a cheat, get away and stop trying to romanticise everything about him, i don't care if you're a "dreamer", you're both being stupid. if a guy can cheat on a girl with you, he can cheat on you with someone else. truth hurts and i don't think you're gonna get any advice on how to convince him to leave his girlfriend for you. you haven't even once acknowledged the other person in the relationship and her feelings so i don't even feel like sugar coating this and it's all about you and your feelings. ew.
 

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I know you were asking ISFJ's, but I don't think this is an ISFJ problem. It's a cheating problem.

Wouldn't it be better to just let this one go? If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you. And he obviously should know what he was doing wasn't really morally right anyway. What about his girlfriend and how she would feel about this?

Don't ever get involved with people that are taken (unless they have an open/poly agreement). It will never work.
 

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I agree with LibraryLady. This isn't an ISFJ related issue. It's a cheating paradox. You know things are bad, yet you're still trying desperately to grab onto any sliver of "hope" you can find. The fact of the matter is, you're attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable; and a cheater none the less. You can sugar coat things all you want, it doesn't change the underlying issue. Even if you manage to "win" him over, what makes you think you're immune to losing him in an exactly IDENTICAL way? You're not in "control". He is...
 
until his girl finds out and cuts off his balls.
 

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The grown up in me knows that this guy is not willing to leave his girlfriend, that I should not try to interfere any more … and that this is a stupid place to start a realitionship anyway.
But being realistic is not my strength. And the dreamy romantic part of me just wants to be with him. Because this feels amazing. Because I know how relunctant he is about big changes.
I feel stupid and naive. But then again. I felt like that every single time I fell in love.
Well, you did willingly cause pain to an innocent person, regardless of her not knowing it yet. Continuing to do so is adding onto that. Wouldn't that automatically be reason enough to pull away?

Then again, reading your post, there isn't any shred of guilt about it either, so there's that.

It's very likely that you'll continue trying to think you two are different and that "our love is strong enough to survive this", but ultimately, it'll crash and burn eventually. The old saying is "How you get them is how you'll lose them".

Unfortunately, we can only tell you so much that you are being stupid, selfish, self-absorbed, and that it's a trainwreck waiting to happen, but it's really up to you as an individual to find the strength to drop him like a hot potato.
 

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What makes you think he would not do the same thing to you? Past patterns predict future behavior. Why would you involve yourself with someone like this in the first place? Don't figure him out ... dump him and move on.
 

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Oh, look. It's the plot of the movie Micki & Maude, except that nobody's pregnant and we're not laughing.

You don't need our advice. You know what the sensible thing is to do.

Don't ever get involved with people that are taken (unless they have an open/poly agreement).
^This.

Here. Read this, too. http://together.guide/how-to-love-a-polyamorist/ Scroll down to the bottom to read the comments, as well.

Consider the benefits of being completely honest with the long distance girlfriend. If your partner in crime won't consider the benefits, and only wants to prolong the charade (for whatever his lame, immature reasons are), dump him.
 

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Hey there,
I would like to know your INFJs take on this. You may judge me for the infidelity part ...

I don't get this ISFJ (29m).
He's been with his first girlfriend (long-distance) for over 10 years. We started having casual sex about 9 monthes ago. He made the first step. We started texting a lot, were seeing each other once or twice a week. Cuddling and talking afterwards. We starting meeting for a walk or lunch just as often.

Well. I fell in love. And to me it feels like he is, too.

He is very private about his relationship. And reluctant to talk about it. No matter to whom. Only when I repeatedly asked weither he was happy with his girlfriend he said: yes. Another time when I tried to talk openly he told me straight away: „I don't want to start a relationship with you. I am already in a relationship.“

As far as I know he has been cheating on his girlfriend quiet a few times. It started when he fell in love with another girl who was making an effort to seduce him a couple of years ago. That girl told me he wanted to leave his girlfriend. But when she came round, he had fallen out of love.

He confessed that he did not have sex with his girlfriend since we started having sex. It seems that she is never been much interested in sex... which is a pitty, because he is a very gifted lover who enjoys sex and intimacy beyond measure.

He is just as unwilling to talk about how we feel for each other. He shows me in many ways that he cares. He avoided phrasing it as „beeing in love with me“ but, actually, that is what I'm guessing. (Or hoping?) He did mention casualy, however, how he told a friend he was besotted with me. He is very appreciative and caring. He said he enjoys working with me. He compliments me a lot. On my body just as much as my personality. (He says stuff like: „How can one person be this wonderfull?“) When we can't see each other, he texts me that he misses me. Before we meet (even for work) he will text that he is locking forward to it. We are secretly holding hands under the table (e.g. in a bar with freinds). Well, and we just can't take our hand of each other. When I told him I would like to see him more often, he said I was pushing an open door.
But when I said I wanted more, he backed off. He tries to make it sound like we have a great friendship. Every time I told him that I don't want to be just friends he told me with tears in his eyes that he didn't want me to leave.

The grown up in me knows that this guy is not willing to leave his girlfriend, that I should not try to interfere any more … and that this is a stupid place to start a realitionship anyway.
But being realistic is not my strength. And the dreamy romantic part of me just wants to be with him. Because this feels amazing. Because I know how relunctant he is about big changes.
I feel stupid and naive. But then again. I felt like that every single time I fell in love.

I appreaciate any reply. Thank you so much for your time!
(I feel better just be writing this down.)
Ok, if you have any self respect, not only will you break it off with that self-centred cunt, but you will also inform his girlfriend about how little respect he has for her as well.
Just reading your post has made my blood boil with anger. He is using you. And he is also using his 'girlfriend' in equal measure. He is going to give both of you nothing but trouble if you stay with him.
 

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I've lead many a horse to water over the years; 2 decades worth to be exact. Unfortunately, it was their decisions (and their decisions alone) that prevented them from drinking.

Bottom line: You do what you want. It's of little to no concern of mine if you listen or not. If you make the bed, sleep in it. You have no one else to blame but yourself when things go sideways.
 
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