Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 60 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,775 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
So after being in my lair for a while, I've come to this conclusion:

INFP hide an instance when they are hurt. INFP do this because if they show they are hurt, then others will potentially be hurt by that display. INFP fear this sort of response, because they are so empathic, and if an INFP causes someone else to hurt, the INFP feels even more hurt than the other feels hurt.

So it's like a ricochet process. Early in life, an INFP learns how this process occurs through conditioning, and as such avoids all conflict and all displays of negative feelings if possible.

Would any of you say this is a logical way of viewing the tendency?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
208 Posts
If I hide those feelings, I would hide them from myself as well, the best I could. I dont want to be seen as weak, and I dont want to acknowledge my weakness. Also, I view showing those sort of feelings to another like this...a bullet for your gun, for every tear you see me cry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
249 Posts
I hide when I'm hurt because, I feel to show it is to give the person who hurt me the power of knowing they hurt me. I've met people who relish this power. If it's family or someone I live with I show my feelings very openly because if I didn't I would ruin the relationship with my hidden resentments towards them. I hide it when among people I don't know well unless they hit one of my spots like talking about my kids, then I show my hurt through anger.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,775 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
What if the person was someone that you idealized, how would that change your response? Would it immediately dispel the idealization, even if it didn't violate a moral? Or would it be perceived as violating a moral - respect?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
607 Posts
Perfect world:
If I hide when I'm hurt, it's because I believe it's my responsibility how I react to what other people say and do, since I can control no one but myself. Most often, people don't know how what they said affected me, so no, I wouldn't want to call them out on something that's probably my issue that I need to reflect on later - why did it hurt me? Are my expectations unreasonable? etc. I might be able to have a conversation with someone about it later, if it's worth it, discussing it rationally, but in the moment I can't talk about it without my anger or hurt showing and I haven't had time to think about it, so I may hide.

If someone is intentionally trying to hurt me, and I "react", I'm giving them power. With people I care about and feel safe with, I don't mind this as much as if it's someone I don't know too well. That's because I don't generally bottle my emotions with a select few, but I do "out in the world".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
208 Posts
What if the person was someone that you idealized, how would that change your response? Would it immediately dispel the idealization, even if it didn't violate a moral? Or would it be perceived as violating a moral - respect?
I can only believe that hurting someone is disrespectful if it is intentional. For me, it would completely depend on the cause of the pain.
I guess I assumed at first that we were talking intentional OR excruciating pain.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,347 Posts
Nothing applies to everything -- yes, an oxymoron.

On average, I'd wager most INFPs are more-so concerned about opening themselves up & not being understood for our feelings (or having them belittled) oppose to concern over hurting someone. The truth is, most of us fear criticism as we already leave ourselves in a weakened state with how we critique ourselves.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
607 Posts
What if the person was someone that you idealized, how would that change your response? Would it immediately dispel the idealization, even if it didn't violate a moral? Or would it be perceived as violating a moral - respect?
If it's someone I don't know that well, I'd say hurting my feelings might dispel any interest I had in them, which I assume would be based on an idealization. I don't know how much I idealize people, and that's an interesting thing to think about, but I feel I'm generally wary of people (even if I'm warm and friendly with them), and I don't often attach expectations to people I don't know so well. If I idealize someone, I think it might be easier for them to hurt me, but I wouldn't want to let them know as I wouldn't want to clue them in to the idealization. As I think about it though, it's hard for me to think of any recent examples of this...that last goes all the way back to crushes in school.

If it's someone I have come to respect/admire/like, although there may be some idealization built in, one hurt probably wouldn't be enough to dispel anything, depending on how egregious/malicious the behavior is.... I would generally have enough evidence of things I like to make an allowance for people's different moral actions and mistakes. I might even find it interesting, and wonder why they are acting the way they are, as I generally think negative behavior is triggered from somewhere. That said, with someone I'm close to, there comes a certain point where my feelings do tend to "immediately dispel"...the last straw. I feel that's more about self-respect than anything else. Why should I waste my time on someone who's going to treat me like crap, even if I have cared for them deeply? I can't control this reaction, per se... one day enough is enough.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
696 Posts
These days, whether the hurt is intentional or not,
or from friends or not, I will simply respond with a
witty comment or tell them the truth about how I feel,
but in a humorous way.

With this strategy I don't feel or look vulnerable and genuinely
don't feel hurt.
They usually don't dare do it again.

I use humour frequently, to laugh at myself and to
diffuse situations. People seem to have more respect
that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,775 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
These days, whether the hurt is intentional or not,
or from friends or not, I will simply respond with a
witty comment or tell them the truth about how I feel,
but in a humorous way.

With this strategy I don't feel or look vulnerable and genuinely
don't feel hurt.
They usually don't dare do it again.

I use humour frequently, to laugh at myself and to
diffuse situations. People seem to have more respect
that.
Well in my particular life case, the INFP isn't really a witty type. She's just super nice, but will cover it up occasionally with a front of being very strong, probably because she doesn't want to feel weak as others have stated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,166 Posts
I try to hide my emotions when I am upset but sometimes is hard because my face and body language says a lot. With my family I am more open when I am feeling sad and angry but when I am upset with my supervisor for example I try to hide it and don't tell her anything to avoid conflict. I pretend that everything is fine until everything goes away.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
40 Posts
This is funny. I go into what I call my "cocoon" very frequently, since I've been struggling with a few major issues the past few years. I'll shut myself off from people and activity for days, and almost feel like it is wrong to exist in anyone else's world when I feel so distraught. The only place that's safe is in my cocoon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
105 Posts
If I retreat into my cave when I've been hurt it isn't to hide that hurt from the other person so as not to hurt their feelings. I will be hiding my hurt from them so that I appear to be strong and not shaken by what has happened. I will be analysing what had happened and if I took it the wrong way, what did they mean? Why did they do that? Did they mean to be hurtful? Why am I so upset about it? I really need time to make sense of it all. I also won't ask them these things outright then and there because I want to avoid conflict. However, there may be times when I would outright stand up for myself and be quite assertive, especially if what the person had done or said was morally or ethically totally wrong or directed at someone else, such as a friend or family member. Then I could get really angry but I would then probably avoid them for the rest of my life. lol!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
277 Posts
If I hide those feelings, I would hide them from myself as well, the best I could. I dont want to be seen as weak, and I dont want to acknowledge my weakness. Also, I view showing those sort of feelings to another like this...a bullet for your gun, for every tear you see me cry.
Here, here!

Is it a logical way to view it? Yes.
I know part of my retreating and never showing my feelings has to do with not wanting to see others reactions to my weakness of emotion. It either makes them uncomfortable or gives them future ammo to use against me.

I do not want my feelings to be misunderstood and taken lightly. This goes for sadness, happiness, etc... I do realize that it is an unrealistic expectation of anyone to understand me fully and respond in a loving manner. So I hide myself away and deal with it on my own, like many others. This can also carry over into my more emotionally charged artwork and writing. I tend not show it because my emotions are strongly tied to them and do not want it belittled or rejected. I get no satisfaction from having people see my emotions.

It is a crime for me to reject anyone's emotions and I place that same expectation on others. To avoid anger toward people unnecessarily and unjustly I keep my emotions to myself until I can learn to deal with it better.

All I have to say about the reasons I hide my emotions is that it is pathetic... I am working on it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,775 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Here, here!

Is it a logical way to view it? Yes.
I know part of my retreating and never showing my feelings has to do with not wanting to see others reactions to my weakness of emotion. It either makes them uncomfortable or gives them future ammo to use against me.

I do not want my feelings to be misunderstood and taken lightly. This goes for sadness, happiness, etc... I do realize that it is an unrealistic expectation of anyone to understand me fully and respond in a loving manner. So I hide myself away and deal with it on my own, like many others. This can also carry over into my more emotionally charged artwork and writing. I tend not show it because my emotions are strongly tied to them and do not want it belittled or rejected. I get no satisfaction from having people see my emotions.

It is a crime for me to reject anyone's emotions and I place that same expectation on others. To avoid anger toward people unnecessarily and unjustly I keep my emotions to myself until I can learn to deal with it better.

All I have to say about the reasons I hide my emotions is that it is pathetic... I am working on it.
I don't think it's pathetic at all. Why is it your fault that all you INFP feel more deeply than anyone else? If anything INFP have to be the strongest of all the types, with primary Fe, and I have alot of respect for you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
13,780 Posts
So after being in my lair for a while, I've come to this conclusion:

INFP hide an instance when they are hurt. INFP do this because if they show they are hurt, then others will potentially be hurt by that display. INFP fear this sort of response, because they are so empathic, and if an INFP causes someone else to hurt, the INFP feels even more hurt than the other feels hurt.

So it's like a ricochet process. Early in life, an INFP learns how this process occurs through conditioning, and as such avoids all conflict and all displays of negative feelings if possible.

Would any of you say this is a logical way of viewing the tendency?
No not really, you are describing enneagram type 9. The one thing you are right about is that it hurts me when I hurt someone with how I behave -.-...that is empathy for you.

If I'm hurt I'm more likely to become "defensive aggressive", my ESTJ shadow comes out and I'll use Te to defend myself verbally. Meaning I'll argue, stand my ground and push back. I push against fear either in "defensive aggressive" reactive way or in a reactive constructive way.

Inside I'll be hurt, afraid and all that stuff, on the outside it doesn't look like I'm hiding at all, on the contrary. I do not like the whiny passive aggressive approach.

In essence yes I conceal my real emotions by becoming counter phobic.

Hmm I do as you described only if I hurt the other person and I'm hurting because of it...mostly when I'm on a guilt trip because of something like that. I'll apologize thou and will try to make it better.

:p not all INFPs do it the same way.
 
1 - 20 of 60 Posts
Top