Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 58 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have been married to an INFJ for over 10 years. It's been rough. Mostly ok, but not fulfilling for me with regards to physical intimacy. It's sometimes difficult for me to understand why she says or does or doesn't what she says/does(n't) do.

Any other ISTJs married or have a similar relationship to an INFJ, and what are you thoughts on the relationship between a match up of those two types? As duty-inclined as I am to be, I have serious doubts about whether this relationship of mine is worth my effort any more.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I'm so terribly sorry to hear that you are unhappy. Where there is love...there is always time and there is always a way.

I wish you the very best....
Thanks for the well-wishing but I'm not sure love is gonna find a way anymore with my relationship. I've tried and tried, and I'm not getting satisfaction out of it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
243 Posts
I have no experience in seeing this pair in action, but I do have a relationship book from which I'm going to quote.

How to Reach Your INFJ Partner:


Try to anticipate your partner's needs. Step in and help out with big projects or mundane tasks without being asked.

Support your partner's visions and dreams. Avoid squelching your mate's enthusiasm by endlessly point out why her ideas aren't practical.

Listen enthusiastically to your partner's ideas. Resist the urge to say no immediately to suggestions for change.

Never dismiss your partner's feelings or beliefs , even if you don't understand or share them.

Share your thoughts, feelings and reactions. Talk, talk, and talk some more!

Initiate discussions rather than always waiting for your partner to drag things out of you.

Revolve conflicts and work to restore harmony. Never resort to silence.


How to Reach Your ISTJ Partner:

Initiate physical affection and contact, including back rubs and other sensual pleasures.

Write letters and notes to express yourself, giving your partner a chance to think about what you've written and respon in kind.

Thank your partner for all the tangible things he does around the house to keep things running smoothly and efficiently.

Cook your parnter's favorite foods, remember to pick up the dry cleaning and keep the house neat and tidy.

Avoid changing plans abruptly or being insensitive to your partner's routines.

Go slowly when suggesting change. Plant the seed and give your partner time to get used to the idea.

Be direct, calm, and explicit. Don't exaggerate or overreact.

Listen respectfully even if you think you can anticipate where your partner is going. Don't interrupt or put words in your partner's mouth.


I hope that helps! I have found this book to be spot-on on the relationship dynamics that I've known, even between platonic ones. Just and FYI, the book does use 'his/her,' but I just inserted the appropriate ones here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
I've too tried dating a NF type once. We went on well, but there's just very little chemistry.

However, is intimacy your only problem? As long as both of you aren't arguing or ignoring each other, how about taking some time off together to reignite the flames?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,260 Posts
I don't think that the lack of physical intimacy has anything to do with type. However, most women will not feel like being physically intimate with their partner when they are upset about their relationship with him. If you work on the relationship, the physical intimacy will come back if it was there at some point in your relationship. Your wife is probably upset with you about something, but may not have spoken to you about how she feels. Communication is key.
 

·
MOTM May 2011
Joined
·
14,041 Posts
I don't think that the lack of physical intimacy has anything to do with type. However, most women will not feel like being physically intimate with their partner when they are upset about their relationship with him. If you work on the relationship, the physical intimacy will come back if it was there at some point in your relationship. Your wife is probably upset with you about something, but may not have spoken to you about how she feels. Communication is key.
Standing Ovation! You have nailed this one.

OP, and all the rest of the guys, read what she has written. It is the key to a satisfying relationship, emotionally and physically.

To put it another way:

Men need sex to set everything right in their world. Women need everything right in their world to feel good about connecting sexually.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Men need sex to set everything right in their world. Women need everything right in their world to feel good about connecting sexually.
MC, niss, or any else, before you jump to any more conclusions, please understand that I've understood this emotionalsexual connection between men and women for many, many years. That's not the issue. She has had sexual hangups since the beginning of our marriage, and she acknowledges that, and she has improved in areas. But that's only part of the problem. Another is our personality differences, and I'm beginning to weary of feeling like I'm the only that is even trying to improve the relationship.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,801 Posts
Men need sex to set everything right in their world. Women need everything right in their world to feel good about connecting sexually.
I don't think this is true for every type. This isn't necessarily true for me.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,801 Posts
MC, niss, or any else, before you jump to any more conclusions, please understand that I've understood this emotionalsexual connection between men and women for many, many years. That's not the issue. She has had sexual hangups since the beginning of our marriage, and she acknowledges that, and she has improved in areas. But that's only part of the problem. Another is our personality differences, and I'm beginning to weary of feeling like I'm the only that is even trying to improve the relationship.
Then try being separated and see how that works out for you. Some people really aren't happy together, and if you're increasingly sexually frustrated and you've been that way for a while, and she has always had sexual hang-ups, you may end up breaking down and becoming unfaithful or something. It would be better to be honest and try time apart, I think.

Unless you think marriage counseling would help.
 

·
MOTM May 2011
Joined
·
14,041 Posts
MC, niss, or any else, before you jump to any more conclusions, please understand that I've understood this emotionalsexual connection between men and women for many, many years. That's not the issue. She has had sexual hangups since the beginning of our marriage, and she acknowledges that, and she has improved in areas. But that's only part of the problem. Another is our personality differences, and I'm beginning to weary of feeling like I'm the only that is even trying to improve the relationship.
I see. So it is simply a case of not being what you wanted to hear. My question for you is: If your mind is made up, why did you pose the question?
 

·
MOTM July 2012
Joined
·
8,033 Posts
i don't know if this will help, and i can't speak for all INFJs nor for all females...but as an INFJ female, if i did not feel emotionally intimate with my husband, i'd have hangups about having sex with him. (i'm not married, but that is my attitude in general and i can't see it changing in a marriage relationship.) i have to feel a profound emotional connection in order to flame those fires. i do know it's pretty common for INFJs not to be casual about sex...we feel deeply about everything in general, so it would be quite difficult for us to divorce our emotions from our physical desires...so negative emotions would translate to lack of sexual willingness.

this is not to say that her negative emotions are associated with you as her husband, but i would venture to guess that her hangups are emotional in origin. i don't expect you to post the answers to these questions here (since they're deeply personal), but was she abused as a child? has she been sexually mistreated in any way in the past? has she been through traumatic experiences in the past that still affect her emotions now? does she have problems trusting men? is she currently depressed or unable to relax due to anxiety? if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, she needs counseling and relief for these problems. a counselor could work through these issues with her - a psychologist, a marriage counselor, or (depending on the issue) a sex therapist. negative emotions take their toll on sex drive - not only in women but often also in men (although some men self-medicate their depression through sexual addiction, so it can be the reverse as well).

but my recommendation would be to ask yourself - and her - these questions before going for counseling. these would be the source/diagnostic issues for me ~

1. does she feel emotionally "safe" to be vulnerable and talk over her feelings with you?
2. have you ever snapped at her about being "too emotional" or creating drama or complaining to you too much, or made her feel like you didn't want to hear her vent to you about what's upsetting her (maybe even just because you were tired of hearing the same thing over and over)?
3. when she does tell you her problems or open up to you, do you show visible empathy and listen and comfort and hug her, or do you first try to give her a solution?
4. does she know how you are feeling (not through your actions, but through your words), and have you let her in on the deepest parts of who you are (or is there a lot about your desires and dreams and longings that she doesn't know)? do you feel safe or inclined to open up to her about these things, or do you feel criticized or disrespected by her response when you do open up?
5. how much time do you all spend in conversation every day, when the topic is not everyday details like who is going to pick up the kids and when, or what you are having for dinner, or where you guys are going to go, or taking the car to the repair shop, or stuff like that? do you feel like she talks too much, and tune her out after a while?
6. how often do you try to get to know her like you did when you were first dating her...to get beyond the level of knowledge you all already have of each other after ten years? how often does she act towards you like she did while you were dating...does she still get that look in her eyes?
7. when you all talk, does she ever suddenly withdraw or shut down or get emotional or start crying - if so, what usually brings that on?
8. in percentage, how much of the household chores/care of the children do you do, and how much does she do?
9. how "romantic" would you describe yourself as being? do you ever gaze into her eyes for long periods of time?
10. if she has ever complained about you, what has she said, specifically? are you hesitant to tell her your problems with her because you are afraid it will offend her, or do you speak openly and candidly with her about problems?
11. when you fight or argue, what do you fight about, and what is the end result (as in...talking it out until you get it resolved, sweeping it under the rug only to come up later, silent treatment and getting more distant from each other)? is she "always right" such that conflicts never end unless you agree with her? are your ways of resolving conflict different - that is, does one of you like to directly address conflict in order to resolve it and the other one would rather just ignore their partner until they get over it?
12. how does she respond when you tease her? is this a change from the way she used to respond?

the answers to those questions, if you don't mind posting them, might give me some insight into what is going on with her, because it is in these respects that emotional intimacy is experienced by a woman.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,474 Posts
I see. So it is simply a case of not being what you wanted to hear. My question for you is: If your mind is made up, why did you pose the question?
Once again, @niss has read my mind. I was just apparently too polite to pose the actual question before he did. Regardless, I concur. The OP asked for our help/advice, and we gave it freely. OP doesn't like the answers given, and therefore we are now being "judgmental". Wrong. If we didn't want to help, we wouldn't have offered our collective opinions in the first place.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,474 Posts
Then we'll have to agree to disagree. I've found some things to be universal, regardless of type, and this is one of them.
^ This. I'm *NOT* a girly-girl by ANY stretch of ANYONE'S imagination and yet I find his words to ring true. My MBTI type is secondary to the fact that I'm a female.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
933 Posts
I have been married to an INFJ for over 10 years. It's been rough. Mostly ok, but not fulfilling for me with regards to physical intimacy. It's sometimes difficult for me to understand why she says or does or doesn't what she says/does(n't) do.

Any other ISTJs married or have a similar relationship to an INFJ, and what are you thoughts on the relationship between a match up of those two types? As duty-inclined as I am to be, I have serious doubts about whether this relationship of mine is worth my effort any more.
I want to know what you are doing to work on the relationship. Your statement of having serious doubts as to whether it is worth your effort is very telling because your INFJ wife probably knows you have this attitude and that is a huge turn off. Actually, any woman would pick up on this regardless of type.


So,what do you do for her? Who does the housework? Who cleans the car? Who is the one who likes roses,candy and cards? See we all have different love languages.

My love language is acts of service but my husbands is touch. This can make for a very volatile mix up if he is very unhelpful in my life,takes what I do for granted as "womans work" yet wants to touch me. lol! What works for us is we make little deals with each other. He helps me with a little project to plant my flowers and then everything else seems to fall into place iykwim.

I don`t "honey do" him to death. All I need is a little attention paid to something I need help with like he could help me move a piece of furniture and then I will give him a big hug and yeah it is great. It isn`t like I`m asking him to do all my work or buy me a yacht but he has to struggle with getting over the fear I`m going to have him jumping through hoops or something but once he just does a little kind act of service such as changing a light bulb I can`t easily reach then it doesn`t seem like such a chore anymore.

We have made a fun game out of it but I realize some people might be shocked thinking my poor husband has to work for love or something when the opposite is the truth. My love language is acts of service. I show love by doing things to help him. If he takes that for granted and complains that I`m not being lovey dovey enough he might not realize I need him to acknowledge My love shown as being love then things work much,much better. I become a hugger when my efforts to show how much I care are acknowledged, appreciated and valued.

I hope you don`t feel judged by me. Really,there isn`t enough info to go on to give a lot of advise. If you live with someone who`s personality type is different from yours then you both will have build some skill to be able to communicate with each other better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
I think we may be missing some details.

@GenXMoJo do you care to give us more info or elaborate on anything?
Yea, lots of details are missing, which is interesting to me that there a few here who have jumped to conclusions so quickly. Their posts reflect their own biases more than what's going on based on the nominal information I've posted. They seem to not like the fact that they are wrong, but whatever, they are welcome to be wrong all they want.

I will re-state for emphasis "She has had sexual hangups since the beginning of our marriage, and she acknowledges that". It's not simply an emotional disconnection that is fostering an intimacy disconnection. We did not have sex before marriage, and I initiated many discussions about sexuality before marriage to confirm our sexual compatibility. Despite my efforts, after marriage I discovered we weren't as compatible as I anticipated. Her inhibitions are due to her parental and religious background, BUT she has improved.

With that said, I am not fulfilled with the level of physical intimacy, as I stated in the OP, but I am dealing with that, and for those with reading comprehension problems, the primary question in my OP was not about physical intimacy, but was about the general compatibility between ISTJ and INFJ in marriage.

We are months into counseling with an LFMT and sex therapist, and we have done counseling in the past. My spouse and I are VERY well aware of the issues. MBTI is not a key part of our therapy, but I am interested in it and feel it is somewhat informative. It's another way I'm trying to be proactive about providing for my spouse's needs.
 
1 - 20 of 58 Posts
Top