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Discussion Starter #1
So I have a paranoia? phobia? fear? I don't even know how to define it other than "unknown mental illness" it's a mental illness for sure because it's definitely not sane.
I have this...thing about losing my memory and identity while an accident. WHY do I obsessively have this sick thought in my head? No idea. But it's not only this, this thing brought extensions with it:
-Alarmed fear of loosing something or someone valuable so soon.
-Tragic slaughter of someone right in front of me, sometimes my child. Even though I'm unmarried, fucking 18, and have no trace of a child.
-Having, not necessarily open heart but something similar, a surgery that I will not wake up from it afterwards.
-Suddenly become a paradoxical personality in my head and hurting people, which I'm only applying 10% of it.

I don't know what's happening in me or my sick head. Am I having split personalities from now? Is this the debut of loosing my memory or identity? All those stuff, they feel so real, irrational and rational at the same time.

Any helpful reply is deeply appreciated, thank you for your time.
 

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I'm just an armchair psychologist (meaning, I am not a licensed professional so this is just my opinion - educated - but not to be taken as advice).

It sounds like obsessive-compulsive disorder to me:

Obsessions as defined by:

Recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety or distress

The thoughts, impulses, or images are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems

The person attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, impulses, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action

The person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind (not imposed from without as in thought insertion)

International OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) Foundation - What Is OCD?

Obssessive-Compulsive Disorder Symptoms and Treatment

Here's a quiz for you:

OCD Screening Quiz (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) - Psych Central
 

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Because you are AWARE that the thoughts you are having are not rational:

The presence of insight distinguishes OCD from a psychotic illness, such as schizophrenia (although some people with schizophrenia also have obsessive-compulsive symptoms). Patients with psychosis actually lose touch with reality and their perceptions may become distorted. Obsessions may involve unrealistic fears, but unlike delusions, they are not fixed, unshakeable false beliefs. The symptoms of OCD may be bizarre, but the patient recognizes their absurdity. A 38-year-old computer specialist told me that his worst fear was losing or inadvertently throwing out his five-year-old daughter. He would check inside envelopes before mailing them to ensure she was not inside. While freely acknowledging this impossibility, he was so tormented by pathological doubt that his anxiety would escalate uncontrollably unless he checked. Occasionally, an obsession can be misdiagnosed as an auditory hallucination when the patient, especially a child, refers to it as “the voice in my head” even though it is recognized as his/her own thoughts.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
@Snakecharmer I appreciate all this, now to reply...

Do you know that I've done almost every single quiz on that website thinking it's a more serious one than the rest?
As result I got more than just OCD which brought me to the same path -> all this is a bullshit (on the internet).
In effect, I did the quiz again because you wrote this much, and I got 34. How ironic. 12& up is "most likely" and I got 34.

To clear things up, I have never went to a therapist or a psychologist before to have them say what I have and why I have them. However I read a lot and I don't disagree that I might have OCD. I've found out that my case changes every once in a while.
When I was a kid it was more about symmetrical equality and everything had to be in the right place. Then it turned into germ phobia + sexual OCD. Now it's germ phobia + gore + this shit.

When it was sexual OCD, it rose my libido a lot. I was mostly 16 and I had a powerful energy that scared the guys in my class giving them the impression that I might rape them some day. I actually liked that, and I can't get how that person was me. Every once a week, I was obliged to attend the church of the high school like any other person, yet I was mentally compulsively having perv scenarios in the church.

At 17 the gore started being projected in my brain. I'd be sitting with my sister and suddenly seeing myself rip her neck out and flash blood all over the white wall, seeing the redness cooling down and dripping. It just left me paralyzed and empty. Then I started having panic fears. Like I'd be sitting in the balcony alone, at night all dark and suddenly I wake up within like a panic attack thinking I'm on the edge and I'm gonna throw myself down. Horrible.
Oh and I had a panic attack at the end of 17 but I told no one.

Now I'm 18, and I have neither sexual OCD left in me or nympho high libido. I'm left with my old germ phobia, gore, and this unknown mental illness. Also I've fallen into a deep depression in the half of the summer, took pills which I think were the reason to fuck my brain even more. I was completely empty. Ever since I've stopped the pills, I feel like a broken doll. I'm not as empty as I was while the depression for sure, but I'm uncontrollably changing from a very confident person back into the broken doll. It's creeping me out! I don't know where did the idea of loosing my memory/identity came from, but it's haunting me.

In the end, I'm really forgetting past events. I used to remember more about me, others, everything. Yet the bad feelings are being condensed and still in me.
 

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Primarily Obsessional OCD - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

People can learn to work through it without meds. You basically stop caring as much about the intrusive thoughts. If the intrusive thoughts affect you daily life to the point you don't function - then they want you on meds. Cbt works too though.
 

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I second @Promethea.

Also, CBT is very effective for OCD.

You're having intrusive thoughts, which CBT can help you dismantle.
 

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At your age, it could be the initial symptoms of a larger problem than OCD. If you were like 30 or something, I wouldn't be worried about it. But I think you should see a professional immediately.

I'll tell you why you have this sick thought in your head --because it is attached to a belief. Thoughts are powerless without beliefs. Thoughts only get power when they touch on a belief. Why aren't you obsessing about bananas, or having intrusive thoughts about bananas? Because bananas don't touch on any belief. There is a glass of water on the table next to me. That thought is now in my head, but will soon fade. It has no power, as it touches on no belief. Your mind only plays with these thoughts because they are touching on something. You need to find out what belief they are touching on, and learn to change the beliefs. Then the thoughts will no longer have power.

I had obsessive thoughts, about my health. I have an irrational fear that I am going to get sick and die. So, any THOUGHT that touches on that BELIEF, is a problem. But it is still my irrational belief that is the problem, not the thoughts. Through time, and experience, I learned to believe I wasn't sick. So those thoughts no longer hold power over me.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
@Promethea @koalaroo

Thank you both. I'd accept to do the CBT with all my heart if I could afford it. But I can't.

I'm more worried if all this is real all imaginary.
Maybe I'm a "malade immaginaire" [imaginary ill] like a story of Molier that I still haven't read. Maybe my mind is making me think or do all those stuff like the stereotypical reason of attention seeking.
Yet I can't break free. There are stuff happening in my mind that I have no idea why they happen.
I read the POCD and it makes me worry even more because I saw most of my sufferings in it.
Maybe I have to wait years till I'll finaly be capable to be cured.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
@FearAndTrembling Why in my age? I'm not a child. People used to have children in my age. I'm really sorry I can't identify the "belief" thing in me. What are they touching? I don't get it. I'm obsessing over things that don't exist. But they are not impossible. I could loose my memory/identity, no? It could happen to anyone. I'm not sure if I'm sick or not. One thing I know is that I'm not okay and I have no control on what's controlling me. I'm just fucked up.
 

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@Promethea @koalaroo

Thank you both. I'd accept to do the CBT with all my heart if I could afford it. But I can't.

I'm more worried if all this is real all imaginary.
Maybe I'm a "malade immaginaire" [imaginary ill] like a story of Molier that I still haven't read. Maybe my mind is making me think or do all those stuff like the stereotypical reason of attention seeking.
Yet I can't break free. There are stuff happening in my mind that I have no idea why they happen.
I read the POCD and it makes me worry even more because I saw most of my sufferings in it.
Maybe I have to wait years till I'll finaly be capable to be cured.
"Maybe its all in my head."

Of course it is..

: )

Anyway I think oftentimes people just get used to it and stop worrying about it. At that point its no longer an issue if its not affecting your life. I have intrusive thoughts too and maybe even pure-o, but it doesn't affect my life beyond making me thankful that people aren't mind readers. ; D haha

(Overtime you realize you absolutely will not act on that weird fleeting garbage-thought telling you to put your grandmothers yappy little dog into the oven.)
 
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@FearAndTrembling Why in my age? I'm not a child. People used to have children in my age. I'm really sorry I can't identify the "belief" thing in me. What are they touching? I don't get it. I'm obsessing over things that don't exist. But they are not impossible. I could loose my memory/identity, no? It could happen to anyone. I'm not sure if I'm sick or not. One thing I know is that I'm not okay and I have no control on what's controlling me. I'm just fucked up.
Because age kind of eliminates some conditions you could have. For example, I was going through something similar last year. I was having really intrusive thoughts, and thought I may lose my mind, and it would get worse. I couldn't control what was going on inside my head, and it scared me. I was particularly worried that I may be on my way to being a schizophrenic. But my psychiatrist assured me that that disease would generally appear earlier in life, and not for a guy who is almost 30. Which is true, it is much more likely to happen to someone your age, than mine. I'm not saying that is what you have btw. I have no idea. Just an example.

But you have to do something about these thoughts, or they will get worse.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
"Maybe its all in my head."

Of course it is..

: )

Anyway I think oftentimes people just get used to it and stop worrying about it. At that point its no longer an issue if its not affecting your life. I have intrusive thoughts too and maybe even pure-o, but it doesn't affect my life beyond making me thankful that people aren't mind readers. ; D haha

(Overtime you realize you absolutely will not act on that weird fleeting garbage-thought telling you to put your grandmothers yappy little dog into the oven.)
The extreme stress had gone now [will come back later, always does]
I laugh at myself, sometimes. Like how could I possibly think of all this. I actually used to be anxious about people's ability whether they can or can't read minds...gah old story.
Anywhos, thank you for your comments, I'll learn to control those thoughts even more.
 

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The extreme stress had gone now [will come back later, always does]
I laugh at myself, sometimes. Like how could I possibly think of all this. I actually used to be anxious about people's ability whether they can or can't read minds...gah old story.
Anywhos, thank you for your comments, I'll learn to control those thoughts even more.
I have had that thought randomly too.. like "Omg that guy is looking at me like he knows what I'm thinking.. then it evolves into: WHAT IF SOME PEOPLE CAN READ MINDS OMG!!!" Lol.. Its a circus in my head. XD
 

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I have had that thought randomly too.. like "Omg that guy is looking at me like he knows what I'm thinking.. then it evolves into: WHAT IF SOME PEOPLE CAN READ MINDS OMG!!!" Lol.. Its a circus in my head. XD
Really? I think OCD swallows someone's freedom. Freedom of thinking is the basic freedom:crying:
Yet my OCD always differs [how cute, I always have change] now I'm more of a paranoid mess. But my mind is a circus. I can't stop doubting about everything. But I gotta tell, what I doubt usually turns true. Like people and their motives.

An other pathetic thing, I can't stop mentally viewing imaginary possibilities and what if-s. If I do this, this will happen and this person will do that so that would lead to a certain thing, but if I do option 2 from the starts... I think someone doesn't need to waste their brain this much.

Maybe because I over-think and over-taught my entire life that I ended up loosing my mind.
 

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So I have a paranoia? phobia? fear? I don't even know how to define it other than "unknown mental illness" it's a mental illness for sure because it's definitely not sane.
I have this...thing about losing my memory and identity while an accident. WHY do I obsessively have this sick thought in my head? No idea. But it's not only this, this thing brought extensions with it:
-Alarmed fear of loosing something or someone valuable so soon.
-Tragic slaughter of someone right in front of me, sometimes my child. Even though I'm unmarried, fucking 18, and have no trace of a child.
-Having, not necessarily open heart but something similar, a surgery that I will not wake up from it afterwards.
-Suddenly become a paradoxical personality in my head and hurting people, which I'm only applying 10% of it.

I don't know what's happening in me or my sick head. Am I having split personalities from now? Is this the debut of loosing my memory or identity? All those stuff, they feel so real, irrational and rational at the same time.

Any helpful reply is deeply appreciated, thank you for your time.
I've had mental illness and it's something I deal with regularly. I don't like to claim I have mental illness because that makes it happen, so I affirm that I don't have it. If that makes any sense? But I've hallucinated many times, combined with really bad thoughts that I don't want to have.

With mental illness, what you're thinking about contributes to where things go. That's why I say I don't have it.

I try to stop myself before negative thought processes begin.

Then when I get into negative thoughts, or right at the threshold of them, and I'm fighting them off... I get a build-up of anxiety about those thoughts.

To deal with the anxiety, I have to take deep breaths and tell myself, "Everything is going to be alright." And I trust it's going to be alright because this stuff is just in my head, it's not real.

Remember to tell yourself that, "These thoughts are not real."

Also, never condemn yourself for your thoughts. Don't think, "Oh, you're such bad person for thinking that." This will make the thoughts repeat because you'll feel bad, which breeds more negativity and keeps your mind repeating the bad experience. Fear of a thought, I've found, just makes it come back. Because it's like "I'm not going to think about that!" ... which if you ever try to not think about something, that's exactly what you end up thinking about.

So how I avoid thinking about things is to refocus my mind on positive things. I repeat scriptures in my head. I think about Jesus, and all that he did.

The more you fill your head and thoughts with positive things, the less room you have for negative things.

Philippians 4:8 - And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

My pastor has given me this verse many times, it's hard to do but the advice is sound.
 

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I promise you it's called Harm OCD, you're not a crazy psychopath okay? It sucks, but the best way to fight it is not fight the thoughts, or give them any attention.
Which of course is hard to do, but if the scary thought or image comes up in your mind, you need to not react with anxiety, this only tells your brain to bring back that thought. Your brain is a machine and anything you give energy/attention to (whether it be anger, anxiety or happiness) it will bring that thought back to you.
You need to acknowledge it's there, and then focus on something else, do not feed it or it just keeps coming back.

I do suggest getting into contact with professional help though, even if you can only afford one session, it's better to have help that one time than never.

People with OCD have a good response to lots of omega 3's, fish oil supplements and flaxseed oils. If you take those daily it will help repair some of the sheaths in your neuropathways in your brain, (those are basically the things in your brain that give information to your brain and other parts of your body and those are damaged in people with OCD) because it's basically like having a recorder that's broken in your mind and it replays and replays things and images over and over again.

I suggest reading the book Brain Lock, it has a lot of stories like yours in the OCD world, it's a highly recommended book by therapists and if you can't afford a therapist, buy this, promise it won't make you feel like such a freak and you'll be able to overcome this.

Make sure you're eating healthily, GMO's, food additives, processed foods, chocolate, caffine, etc exacerbate OCD and any mental illness. Try eating as healthily as you can, it does help, promise it did for me. Make sure you're getting enough sun, enough socialization, and enough Vitamin B.


This could be Hypochondria as well, along with paranoia, which I know how it feels.

These are not un-normal fears, because I think everyone thinks about it once or twice in their life and gets worried, but then they move on with their life. It's the level of fear and how long it lasts. If your anxiety is over a 5 in a 1-10 scale (10 being super freaked out like no other) and for an extended period of time then it could be a disorder. It's alright, you're not "crazy" you just might have a disorder, but I don't know (not a professional). :)
It's okay I've worried about those too, and for longer than most people, you're not alone.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
@xEmilyx


I'll probably see a therapist in the summer, so I'll be able to pay. Meanwhile, I've finally found a bookstore that might ship me Brain Lock, after numerous online download trials -.-

Anywhos, I'm extremely confused. I don't know what to think, what to say...

Thank you so much, Emily.
 
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