Unrequited Love for an INTP
[Disclaimer: I know that there are probably numerous threads I could refer back to on the subject, and links to those threads would be appreciated, but sometimes it's nice to get feedback that was intended purely for ME. Sorry for my childish moment of self-absorption.]
So I have hopelessly fallen for a self-proclaimed, amazingly intelligent, stubborn, and hard-to-read INTP (male). I've read a lot about the unilateral affection INFJs have for INTPs, and some even go as far to argue that the relationship between these two personality types is matchmake in miscommunication heaven. Our interactions began with mostly HIM doing all the work and showing all of the interest, but our roles quickly reversed and I became unsure of how to handle all of the feelings I began having towards him (despite being NF, feelings aren't really my "thing"). I tried to win him over with sex. He was responsive to my efforts, but it meant that he didn't really get to know me or appreciate me for who I actually am. I became a girl he could call whenever he wanted. For a while, we parted ways. Recently, he began to show interest in me again... calling me and texting me, etc. I'm not exactly sure where our relationship is going but I desperately want it to go somewhere. I think he knows this and he has yet to act upon it. What.... should I do? How should I behave in this situation? Is there any way to win him over... to even give me a chance to prove myself to him?
Yes, so thoughts would be appreciated.... Love, INFJ girl
So I have hopelessly fallen for a self-proclaimed, amazingly intelligent, stubborn, and hard-to-read INTP (male). I've read a lot about the unilateral affection INFJs have for INTPs, and some even go as far to argue that the relationship between these two personality types is matchmake in miscommunication heaven. Our interactions began with mostly HIM doing all the work and showing all of the interest, but our roles quickly reversed and I became unsure of how to handle all of the feelings I began having towards him (despite being NF, feelings aren't really my "thing"). I tried to win him over with sex. He was responsive to my efforts, but it meant that he didn't really get to know me or appreciate me for who I actually am. I became a girl he could call whenever he wanted. For a while, we parted ways. Recently, he began to show interest in me again... calling me and texting me, etc. I'm not exactly sure where our relationship is going but I desperately want it to go somewhere. I think he knows this and he has yet to act upon it. What.... should I do? How should I behave in this situation? Is there any way to win him over... to even give me a chance to prove myself to him?
Yes, so thoughts would be appreciated.... Love, INFJ girl
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For myself, action comes at the result of a lot of thought and analysis. I literally have to make the conscious decision that, "I'm getting this girl." I don't think an INTP would jerk you around but then again there are assholes of all makes and models. Judging from my own experiences, I'd say he's ambivalent, he hasn't decided whether or not he wants to commit to you. Usually once I decide I've got it for someone, I've got it real bad and it becomes a matter of not showing it too much at once, because ultimately I've found that I can overwhelm people, because as an INTP I'm a little naive with my feelings when I have them which can overwhelm and weird out people who are more experienced with feelings, and for me it can be tricky to reveal my affections in just the right amounts.
Try ignoring him. A lot of times when women are effusively interested in me it annoys me to no end, but then once they ignore me, for some reason I'm like, what the hell is up?? I'm not talking like a BIG ignore. I guess I'd need to know what your current interaction situation is like. You work together? Same friend circle? But there was a girl at my work who every day told me how funny I was and blah blah. One day I was walking past her and she straight up didn't acknowledge me. Suddenly I'm like, "What the hell?" So then I start wondering and once I start wondering about her instead of being someone I ignore I'm now thinking about her, and the more I think about her, the more I begin to think this girl is really cute.
Again, that's just my tendencies so take the advice with caution. I'd hate it if this guy had 'being ignored issues' or something and he shut you out or joined the military because of it.
Try ignoring him. A lot of times when women are effusively interested in me it annoys me to no end, but then once they ignore me, for some reason I'm like, what the hell is up?? I'm not talking like a BIG ignore. I guess I'd need to know what your current interaction situation is like. You work together? Same friend circle? But there was a girl at my work who every day told me how funny I was and blah blah. One day I was walking past her and she straight up didn't acknowledge me. Suddenly I'm like, "What the hell?" So then I start wondering and once I start wondering about her instead of being someone I ignore I'm now thinking about her, and the more I think about her, the more I begin to think this girl is really cute.
Again, that's just my tendencies so take the advice with caution. I'd hate it if this guy had 'being ignored issues' or something and he shut you out or joined the military because of it.
i have a tendency to be brutally honest. trainwreck advice is good. i think if you want to get something more serious, you are going to need to return to the seduction drawing board. since you so generously offered sex, i am betting that it will be tough to establish a different sort of relationship.
one thing that aloof INTPs need is clarity. if his behavior isnt changing and you are still acting the same way, he won't do anything about it. either make your demands or start playing games
one thing that aloof INTPs need is clarity. if his behavior isnt changing and you are still acting the same way, he won't do anything about it. either make your demands or start playing games
Only thing I can think of is the time you two part ways he might have gained more clarity of your feelings toward him or at least some notion of it subconsciously in his mind. I have had times when I didn't realized a girl liked me till a long after. But normally too late. Or he has sorted out his feelings towards you more. Sometimes takes time for INTPs to sort out what they themselves are really feeling. Or at least I do at times. It maybe tough but talk to him about. He might need sometime to process it but it's better then playing games with him that might turn him off. sorry don't think most of what I said will help but I hope it helps a little bit.
Just tell him how you feel...I know that is the go to answer for anyones unrequited love problems, but when working with INTPs it is true. We prefer you to be direct; if you aren't and we perceive you to be playing games, then it will not end well.
Had sex with him? -- Sweetie, I'm sorry about this... as an INFJ I understand what this means. :crying:
I don't know the INTP's very well but from what I have gotten so far is that they don't enjoy too much attention, they love intelligence and they don't mind being told at they are acting like a A-Hole, when they are. Good qualities.
As an INFJ, we do have much in common with this type: Both independent; require alone time to think and relax, We love to explore the mind and they love to examine theirs.
They do have one flaw that I did notice. Well, perhaps not a flaw but something much different than us. When we know what we truly want... we go after it. They perhaps, wait and see. (Some may take this as game-playing, and I'm not sure if it is or isn't. But, it would get on my nerves. "Like, poop or get out the pot already!" -- If you can see pass this form of behavior and it doesn't bother you too much then, continue.) Just remember to only give what you truly want, and nothing more. It's a two-way street after all.
I don't know the INTP's very well but from what I have gotten so far is that they don't enjoy too much attention, they love intelligence and they don't mind being told at they are acting like a A-Hole, when they are. Good qualities.
As an INFJ, we do have much in common with this type: Both independent; require alone time to think and relax, We love to explore the mind and they love to examine theirs.
They do have one flaw that I did notice. Well, perhaps not a flaw but something much different than us. When we know what we truly want... we go after it. They perhaps, wait and see. (Some may take this as game-playing, and I'm not sure if it is or isn't. But, it would get on my nerves. "Like, poop or get out the pot already!" -- If you can see pass this form of behavior and it doesn't bother you too much then, continue.) Just remember to only give what you truly want, and nothing more. It's a two-way street after all.
Why did you part ways, last time?
Don't ever try to win over a man you're interested in by having sex with him. :frustrating:
That's helpful huh. :dry:
That's helpful huh. :dry:
Don't say such awful things. Us INTP Males need all the sex we can get :laughing:
Sorry if that was in poor taste. It's just that I kinda really like sex and it sometimes makes me say awful things.
Sorry if that was in poor taste. It's just that I kinda really like sex and it sometimes makes me say awful things.
Background context: We attend the same university, and have overlapping social circles. We parted ways simply because we both returned home for the summer.
Probably the most obvious thing to say, but definitely helpful to hear again and again, because some of us never learn. Or at least try to self-justify this action with completely absurd rationalizations.
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