[halah]

I've read about INFJ's who have a hard time leaving bad relationships, but also have high expectations of others that may be impossible to reach.

I'm in a situation where I'm not sure of what I should do.

I've been in a relationships with an E/INFP for one year now. He has broke it off with me 3 - 4 times now, the longest period was 2 months when I went on vacation and this caused me great sadness & distress and this was also my first relationship.

He hasn't been very mature during our breakups. The last time that he broke up with me was 5 - 6 weeks ago and didn't even have the guts to even tell me what was going on as I had just finished an exam at school and went to his house straight after, only for his brother to tell me he wasn't home until finally he told me that he was inside, but didn't want to see me...

So I guess I'm trying to say is that these breakups and all this immaturity has stuck with me and also caused me great stress also.

Previously before being with him, I was quite content with being alone, didn't have any friends, never socialized, yet I learnt to accept it.

So, this has nothing to do with how I can make this relationship work, how I can please him, as I have asked/ mentioned previously, but now I am worried about myself.

I can not seem to separate whether this is right or not because this is the second time that the relationship has set me back from studying as my mind ended up in a mess. My heart tells me one thing but my head is telling me another. Since he broke up with me I have never felt secure, in fact I always feel 'used'.

Up until a week and a half ago, we were 'seeing' each other yet we weren't officially 'dating'. I got sick of doing this so I told him it was over and that I didn't like these games. It was so hard for me to even get the words out and when I built up the courage to actually say it, he looked me straight in the eye, as if he were about to cry and told me that he had been a real jerk and that from now on I would be his priority and he would try to make this work, that he deserves to be picked on by me when he's an asshole and that he would treat me better, etc.

This is probably all over the place but I am quite worried about myself because before getting into a relationship, I never felt nervous or anxious, but after the first breakup, I am always on and off nervous, automatically jumping to conclusions when he wants his space or if I don't hear from him. I automatically relate this as him breaking up with me and then I go back to being the way I was when he did it the first time.

I am worried that if I stay with him, I'm going to end up going on a long roller coaster ride and he's going to pull me into a black hole.

I keep seeing positives in things and I see that he has been trying since he said he would make it work.

God, I don't know where this post is going but what I wanted to ask is:

What are your experiences being with an E/INFP or others in general.

He always comes up as an E/INFP but also came up as an istj a few weeks back. He says that he never over thinks like me, nothing really bothers him and by knowing him for sometime, he's actually always happy and I believe him when he says that he is always happy.

Are you ever satisfied in a relationship or is it just me that is constantly trying to find something which I wish he could improve on?

I can't seem to figure out whether it's me with the unrealistic 'fairytale' needs or whether it's him that isn't for me.

What are your experiences?

Any advice/ stories would be appreciated

 

[vel]

It sounds like you are at the point of your life where you need stability. Your studies should not suffer because this person cannot make up his mind, disrespects your boundaries, leaves you when you are down and then comes back whenever he wishes like it. He is just not able to meet your needs at this point and gives preference to his own needs.

There are many people with ENFPs and ENTPs personality preferences out there. I have found out that some can be quite immature/unbalanced in their behavior. They will test your boundaries to the extreme and need a very strong mate to stand up to them. It doesn't sound like something you can afford right now, because doing well in school should be your top priority. Trying to deal with him will drain you and make you underperform in other areas of your life. Relationships should consist of people reinforcing each other, making each other feel good, not one partner draining another.

So if I was you I would just explain to him that his yo-yoing is taking a heavy toll on me emotionally, put him into friend's category in my heart and mind, and be alone for a while to regain some peace of mind. Like I said there are many E/INxPs out there and some are more well-grounded and stable in relationships than this. Alternatively you can come back to him later. Life your life on your own terms, not on his terms.

 

[Ethanol]

Oh gosh, I am SO so sorry for what he's putting you through. God, this makes me so mad. I hate how insensitive people can be in relationships, I JUST DON'T GET IT.

Reading your post is just bringing back all the memories and feelings of the crap my ex put me through. It happend like a year ago and I'm just now getting 'back to normal'.

I've played the same questions over and over in my head. My ex was an INTJ, we didn't have the yoyo breakups but he did the whole disappearing acts and I often questioned whether I was asking for too much. He would say things like "I accept you for who you are, why can't you do the same?" etc....

From my own experience I know that my ex just didn't have what it took, or made the choice NOT to be around and there was just nothing I could do to change his mind to make me a priority. There was no amount of me being 'perfect' that could save a relationship if the other person just isn't around! That's something I've learned, no matter how hard you try to make somebody change they have to 'want to' in order for anything to happen. I'm not saying it will never happen, I'm saying we can't predict when it will, or if it will :sad:

This is your first relationship so I can understand how much this sucks. My first relationship, god, the breakup was just terrible and I was heart broken for so long. In hindsight though, we were an absolutely terrible match.

I do think sometimes we want a fairytale, but I also don't think it's unreasonable to want the relationship to feel secure.

I usually can sense when something will head downhill, and it usually happens. I still haven't been able to find the perfect guy yet.. but I am telling you, there are people who are above what he's doing to you :angry:

My advice is to give him some space so he can really figure out what he wants, since I'm sure you only want the best for yourself. I think separation for a period of time will help you see the big picture and give him some time to mature and think things through.

Breaking up with my ex last year was so difficult and I was so down for so long, but now that I've got my bearings again... I'm glad that I did what I had to, otherwise I believe it would've just prolonged the agony of having to deal with it during my college years ontop of my troubling finances. It was just too much.

I hope this helps.

 

[Female INFJ]

I've read about INFJ's who have a hard time leaving bad relationships, but also have high expectations of others that may be impossible to reach.

I'm in a situation where I'm not sure of what I should do...

...Are you ever satisfied in a relationship or is it just me that is constantly trying to find something which I wish he could improve on?

I can't seem to figure out whether it's me with the unrealistic 'fairytale' needs or whether it's him that isn't for me.

What are your experiences?

Any advice/ stories would be appreciated

halah - sometimes we want to hear 'the words' but for many reasons former partners during break-ups will not reveal fully what they are thinking and feeling - or maybe cannot face a person. each person deals with break ups differently. i do that sometimes, i want to hear the 'reason' but most of the time it will be implied, not given. don't be so hard on yourself and your INFP friend -with expectations - and as I recall this is your first relationship, so take it easy.

men often say these things and have told me the same too. you see halah, in a relationship it takes two - so you are not 'used' because the outcome of the relationship was not satisfactory. it had to end eventually, and you are no less of a beautiful or whole person because it ended. this may be very difficult for you because you may not have many girl friends to go to in these matters? get some good girl friends, even if it is just to hear about their relationship stories, and not always revealing your own. i learn from all kinds of people that tell me their stories.

ok - i think this was stated already in another thread. when you choose to break up with this INFP, just stay away from him, and focus on you, work on your own life and activities, another sweet person will come along. you both are not doing yourselves anything good by continuing to 'be friends' after the break up.

i'm no expert on relationships, but i feel other INFJs will fill in there! but generally men cannot be changed, so i try to find one with good qualities to begin with. generally nit picking will get you now where, and it will cause distance between yourself and your partner. although i'm sure in long term relationships there must be ups and downs, but the joy should outweigh any conflicts, correct me if i am wrong there, others. as i have not yet had a long term experience.

if you can't figure youself out with him, perhaps you need that long break away from him, and to date others, or introspect into yourself. remember a person will not change for you. so maybe you need to decide what you want, and try to find a partner to compliment you or meet your needs. if he was meeting your needs, maybe you wouldn't be so embroiled in these questions so often?

wow - stories! i've got lots...perhaps i'll take more time to think about that one, to find something to relate. but i may not too, because i'm no example of 'long-term' relationship, you seem like the long term type and you will be happy with the right person. anything too forced doesn't seem like a good idea. and you stated before this INFP wasn't ready to settle, didn't he want to be free and date other women and stuff? Maybe he is not telling you stuff as to not hurt your feelings.

You have to break out your Intuition Girl! and use it. I love that INFJ weapon, it keeps me not overly attached to men, because I can sense shifts immediately, and kind of have an idea what to do...take lots of time to yourself, introspect, and 'listen to your heart' it will tell you something, or signs will arise.

Your studies for example, come first at this time, who are you hurting by falling behind? only yourself. Don't let that happen - seems like you have a lot going on, tend to yourself first, always. I always tell that to my girl friends, when they start putting their Guy in the way of their family, their lives, the progress or their success (...unless he is the one you are going to marry...) i always start my sentences that way! hahaha ...unless he is THE ONE, established as the future husband, no man is worth allowing situations to get in the way of life, and pursuit of your own dreams and happiness. That will always lead to mass regret; or even unnecessary resentments. It's tricky because Intensity can run high in love, but you must stay focused on you.

 

[Zomboy]

Sounds to me like you already know what you need to do

All you need now is courage