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Unsent Letter to SJ's in my family - "feeling misunderstood/call of action 2 self

FIRSTLY, Help me understand the nature of reality as I am to accept it??? Is reality a majority rules thing? Is it the case that the largest number votes - decides how things are? Is reality as we each experience it, a matter of objective fact? Or what about the possibility that we each live in our own realities - created by our perceptions and beliefs???

Keep in mind, I'm not seeing as you do. With my acceptance and non-judgmentally, I put myself in other shoes. I own other perspectives in an attempt to see through those eyeballs. I realize now not everyone here is capable of doing this. Being able to intuitively see through people, beyond what is said and done, I recognize the underlying true nature of the beliefs that underlie how you're choosing to be. You believe it, you perceive it, you act on it, you live it, you become it. The nail in the coffin comes when you forget having done so:

"the range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice there is little we can do to change until we notice how we failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds - R.D. Laing"

What I perceive after a lifetime of living in this family - is best represented as an abstract hall of mirrors in my mind. I reflect upon a lifetime of experiences. I see through the eyes of others - the screwed up and shallow nature of the belief systems people are holding that underlie what they perceive into being. Each reflective mirror holds its own distortions based on perceptions and beliefs. There is a lot of creative editing going on here.

What I'm most painfully aware of is the ugliness and hurt that's being perpetuated by the failure to notice. I wonder why it has to be this way, and wonder why you would chose this for yourself? I refuse to fall in line as another walking blind “sheeple”. I’m unable to ignore the ugliness and hurt others are oblivious to. I refuse to perpetuate it for myself. Why does this make me the bad guy?

What I've come to realize is beyond the family exists a wide diversity in ways of being in the world. I’ve decided to open my mind up and choose my own. Keep in mind this isn't being selfish, it’s being self-defined:

"It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude after own own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude" - Ralph Waldo Emerson (INFP)

I refuse to see according to the majority's dictation of "what is". Instead I step back, and question, "why", and "how come"??? What I get from this family are usually lousy answers, as everyone insists on remaining within the the self-perceived box that is objective reality. I therefore seek my own answers. I look through others’ eyes & see full representations throughout their lives, of beliefs that exist in the head. I take time to make sense of this bullshyte, think about what this means to me & what lessons can be learned from this??

What really pains me, is how callously you place upon others, the belief systems that define the personal B.S. you use to create objects of belief from convenient victims. You expect the objects of your belief to fall in line, as a representation of what you believe into being. You desire everyone to collude with you to endlessly perpetuate your own bullshyte. I can’t help but be dumbfounded by why you would question my failure to comply….

“A belief is not a direct relationship between the believer and the world….It is rather a relationship between individuals and relations.” – Arthur C. Danto

Why should you choose how I am to perceive? Why should my life and way of being in this world, fall in line with the B.S. you perpetuate? Can I not choose these for myself? You see, whether you realize it or not, what you’ve created is a little box you live in called objective truth – i.e. normalcy - that in reality is the furthest thing from objective, true, and to be quite honest with you very abnormal.

What really hurts though are the reprimands from people who expect you to act as a representation of their belief system by participating in the perpetuation of the B.S. Refusing to do so makes you the oddball. It’s like that fairy tale by Hans Christensen Anderson about the kid who notes the emperor is naked – and they think him a fool for simply uttering the truth. (Isn't it an irony to note that the guy who wrote that fairy tale was an INFP as well - not exactly a stunning coincidence!!!)


SECONDLY, just so you know, you’ve all taught me a lot. I now conclude I need to focus on myself and own my truth – as I create it. This means understanding my role in things. In my thoughts, and the life I've chosen, I may have successfully remained true to myself. Despite this headway, my heart continues to betray me as it acts in complete utter betrayal of the truth. My feelings resonates with the B.S. riddled idiocy that is the box of “normalcy” – that you expected me to perpetuate……I’m left with a lot of frustration.

“Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He found that when one's feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even when they are perfectly mentally healthy.” - online..

One one hand, I steadfastly refuse to comply with the B.S. parameters of normalcy. I desire to chose a path for myself. On the other hand, I’m still dealing with hurt from all those who put me down cause I don’t fall within the parameters of normalcy. Why is it I'm left to feel there's something wrong with me? Why is it I feel broken - when in reality its not just me that's broken & in need of fixing???

On the one hand, I see the world through clear eyes - as the only one in the family born with a bullshyte detector. On the other hand, despite my recognition of the truth, my heart still beats me up despite this knowledge. I'm left with memories of disappointment, judgmentality, & a lack of compassion from everyone for my refusal to hang out with Mr. Hanky. Why do I hate myself for my inability to eat your shyte???


FINALLY, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I’VE MADE THE FOLLOWING DECISIONS FOR MYSELF:

“Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks." - kiersey

JUST BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE SAW IT, THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT DIDN’T HAPPEN. MAJORITY DOESN’T RULE – AT LEAST NOT FOR ME. MY EXPERIENCES ARE REAL FOR ME. THE EMOTIONAL EFFECT THOSE EXPERIENCES HAD FOR ME WERE REAL. I CARRY THEIR EMOTIONAL IMPACT TO THIS DAY. YOU SEE, WHETHER OR NOT YOU CHOOSE TO UNDERSTAND IT – THAT'S THE REALITY OF THE CHILDHOOD I EXPERIENCED IN THIS FAMILY. YOU MAY NOT HAVE MEANT IT BUT YOU STILL DID IT. YOU MAY NOT HAVE SEEN IT BUT IT STILL HAPPENED. KNOW NOW - MY EXPERIENCES ARE REAL TO ME IN THEIR EFFECTS AND YOU WILL TREAT THEM AS SUCH. KEEP IN MIND - FAILING TO DO SO IS A BYPRODUCT OF AN INCOMPASSIONATE NARROWMINDEDNESS ON YOUR PART.

JUST BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU’RE PERPETUATING POINTLESS BULLSHYTE IN YOUR LIFE– THAT DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO AS WELL….KEEP YOUR B.S TO YOURSELF AND STOP FEEDING IT TO ME!!! FROM THIS POINT ON, I CHOOSE TO FOLLOW MY OWN DRUMMER - GET OUT OF MY WAY. I WILL HEAL MY UNRESOLVED HURT, FROM THE LACK OF COMPASSION & ACCEPTANCE I’VE RECEIVED. I HOPE TO ALIGN MY HEART WITH MY HEAD SO I’M ABLE TO OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGE MY SEEING AS THE EXPLANATION FOR WHAT I’M BEING & DOING. I COMMIT MYSELF TO OWN MY REALITY WHERE YOU REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOURS. THIS DOESN'T MAKE ME AN UNREALISTIC PERFECTIONISTIC IDEALIST. I'M BEING A REALIST - CALLING THINGS WHAT THEY ARE AND ACTING ACCORDINGLY. TRUTH HURTS DOESN'T IT???

JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME THAT DOESN’T MEAN I MAKE NO SENSE. JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T PERCEIVE THE VALUE IN MY WAY OF BEING – THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT ISN’T THERE – IT JUST DOESN’T JIVE WITH YOURS. YOU SEE MUCH VALUE CAN BE YIELDED FROM MY OWN VIEW AND WAY OF BEING. I’VE COME TO SEE YOUR VALUE, WHY CAN’T YOU SEE MINE. DO YOU HAVE ANY CONCEPTION OR UNDERSTANDING OF HOW MUCH IT HURTS THAT YOU CAN’T???
 
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