Unshakable desire to be "something"
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Sometimes I'm scanning Wikipedia reading about some author or person I find interesting, and oftentimes it ends with me feeling envy for their life's accomplishments--especially their passion for pursuing what they believed in. Part of it is a wake-up call because I've never been one to commit myself to something for long before moving on to the next thing. Yeah, this lifestyle gives me varied experiences, but no depth in any one of them. I'm always the apprentice, never the master.
Searching. I'm always searching. And I'd probably be okay with a more menial lifestyle, but there's something always nagging me at the pit of my conscience that won't rest-- something that tells me I have immense potential for......something. So I go looking for it. Hobby to hobby, college major to college major, job to job. Country to country. I can't find it. Why won't it leave me alone?
I'm getting old now. Or at least old enough that I need to settle on something. Time has no sympathy on me. I want to start a family soon. But where do I start building when I'm passionless, skill-less. How do I chose a firm foundation? How do I start somewhere, when every time I try, that little voice inside says "What are you doing? You're meant for more. Not this." To hell with my flawed idealism that keeps me in a state of anxiousness. I don't want to grow old like this.
I imagine a Wikipedia article written about my own life. I cringe. :sad:
Searching. I'm always searching. And I'd probably be okay with a more menial lifestyle, but there's something always nagging me at the pit of my conscience that won't rest-- something that tells me I have immense potential for......something. So I go looking for it. Hobby to hobby, college major to college major, job to job. Country to country. I can't find it. Why won't it leave me alone?
I'm getting old now. Or at least old enough that I need to settle on something. Time has no sympathy on me. I want to start a family soon. But where do I start building when I'm passionless, skill-less. How do I chose a firm foundation? How do I start somewhere, when every time I try, that little voice inside says "What are you doing? You're meant for more. Not this." To hell with my flawed idealism that keeps me in a state of anxiousness. I don't want to grow old like this.
I imagine a Wikipedia article written about my own life. I cringe. :sad:
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Mm, I can relate for sure. Not sure what else to say, but I do know exactly what you mean about the search for "something". I'm sure a lot of folks here do.
I feel this urge too. I'm working really hard to be something, and I'm scared that it may not work out. I don't think I'm cut out for a normal life. I get bored with normality very easily, I need a lot of stimulation and when I don't get it I become very depressed. So I need to be continually challenged or I stagnate. I'm prepared to make a lot of sacrifices to get where I want to go. For example, I may not be able to have a family because I need to devote all my time to becoming what I want to be. I might regret this one day, but I'm prepared to take a chance.
I'm not sure how you can find what you're looking for, it sounds like you have done a lot of searching. But maybe that's the problem? You spend too much time searching and not enough time focusing on one thing to really see it's potential? I think this desire you have can be a powerful motivator, but it needs to be focused on something. What you choose to focus on may not be as important as the fact that you are focusing on something and putting your heart and soul into it. Even a dull rock can become shiny if you spend enough time polishing it, if you know what I mean.
I'm not sure how you can find what you're looking for, it sounds like you have done a lot of searching. But maybe that's the problem? You spend too much time searching and not enough time focusing on one thing to really see it's potential? I think this desire you have can be a powerful motivator, but it needs to be focused on something. What you choose to focus on may not be as important as the fact that you are focusing on something and putting your heart and soul into it. Even a dull rock can become shiny if you spend enough time polishing it, if you know what I mean.
I agree. But that nasty demon of 'choice' is still there. Assuming I'm equally passionless about everything, how would I go about choosing something? If I were to choose something in this way, then I would wind up in what you said in your first paragraph--bored, without stimulation, and depressed.
I just can't understand how passion works... is it a switch that goes off in peoples' minds? Did they just choose something because they didn't consider other options (that's part of my problem, all I see is options)? Are the passionless people I see the ones who complain in their dehumanizing jobs, yet continue until they 'retire'? I don't want to end up like that.
I do understand and agree with what you're saying though.
I just can't understand how passion works... is it a switch that goes off in peoples' minds? Did they just choose something because they didn't consider other options (that's part of my problem, all I see is options)? Are the passionless people I see the ones who complain in their dehumanizing jobs, yet continue until they 'retire'? I don't want to end up like that.
I do understand and agree with what you're saying though.
It sounds like you are paralyzed by choice, and that is what is holding you back.
Imagine that you are a musician. There are so many instruments to choose from, so how do you pick which one to devote your time to?
Every instrument sounds bad when you first pick it up and attempt to play it. So it seems like none of these instruments are capable of fulfilling your passion. But any one one of those instruments could sound amazing if you take the time to master it.
So it's not so important which instrument you pick, all of them have potential, what's important is how much effort you're willing to put into making the instrument sound the way you want it to.
What you need to be passionate about is the journey from beginner level to master level. The instrument is just a tool that allows you to take this journey.
Imagine that you are a musician. There are so many instruments to choose from, so how do you pick which one to devote your time to?
Every instrument sounds bad when you first pick it up and attempt to play it. So it seems like none of these instruments are capable of fulfilling your passion. But any one one of those instruments could sound amazing if you take the time to master it.
So it's not so important which instrument you pick, all of them have potential, what's important is how much effort you're willing to put into making the instrument sound the way you want it to.
What you need to be passionate about is the journey from beginner level to master level. The instrument is just a tool that allows you to take this journey.
Thanks for sharing, this is something I experience as well. One thing that helps me is the Buddhist practice of visualizing a corpse of an animal on the side of the road, and realizing that your body is no different... it too will be reduced to blood, bones, and eventually nothing. Instead of feeling defeatist, it actually frees me up from the pressure I put on myself, then I can actually get stuff done.
It seems the longing for meaning and purpose nags at every human being, on some level. The dream is different for everyone, but I believe that we've all been created with a unique task and unique gifts. There's a quote, "Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid." Sometimes we just don't know where our genius lies. We all have it somewhere. But many times, our ability to realize our dreams is...sabotaged.
You are awesome.
Though boredom comes easily for us, I would imagine that after you start getting results (once you're over that initial "hump" of boredom) with whatever you're working on, you would become more excited, not less. While it's uncomfortable, sometimes forcing ourselves to do things that have lost their initial luster is the only way to get to where we want to be, and that place is often worth the tedium. Like Dolly Parton (and about a hundred others, in different words) said, "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
I used to deal with this when I was really young, not in so extreme a form but just feeling a lot of angst over it and this need. Then I found things i love doing for the sake of them and people told me I was good at them. You know in new classes or meeting new people first dates or whatever, they ask, "What do you like to do?" And I was always floored. I don't like to do anything. There is nothing special about me. Nothing I am good at. Which thinking back is funny I thought that, cause everyday I'd go home and draw and write and garden, not because I wanted to be special or famous or outstanding in them but because I needed them to unwind and they just were natural parts of my day. So then people start noticing my drawings or writing in art or english class and I get comments on it. THat's when I realize, why don't I just say, "I like to draw." I am not the best at it, but I guess the point I was making is, the thing that you are looking for should be something that doesn't feel like a chore. It should just be there. Maybe for you it is being a traveling romantic xD who knows?!?!?
I know this wasn't very helpful. If you want helpful advice read Luke's reply or sometihng lol.
I know this wasn't very helpful. If you want helpful advice read Luke's reply or sometihng lol.
Wow, that's an interesting method, seems random but not all that strange. The other day I tried to shake my numbness with a random method. I get into Disney free so I rode the fastest roller coaster 4 times in a row. I'd use different techniques like closing my eyes, shaking my head, etc. It was only fun while it lasted though.
As far as finding my gift, maybe by my constant process of elimination I'll eventually strike gold--or at least a pretty stone worth looking at.
True. And good instrument analogy. I just don't have the stick-with-it-ness. It could be a terrible habit that I've held on to since childhood. Seems kind of ADD to me. Sometimes I'll find something kind of interesting, so I'll devote my time to it. Then I find something more interesting, and I wonder why I wasted my time with the first thing. Now I guess I know myself all to well so I'm scared to start in another direction. But now the stagnation is getting to me--life has a way of keeping us on our toes.
Very nice quote. I've always wondered about gifts. I've heard that people have a natural bent towards some task, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's also their interest. I can't find either one! Hahaha. I think it helps when people are reinforced or given positive feedback as @adverseaffects mentioned. I've never really had that, besides my mom who thinks I'm a genius at everything--but that doesn't help.
As far as finding my gift, maybe by my constant process of elimination I'll eventually strike gold--or at least a pretty stone worth looking at.
Hmm, I must be in a dire situation. My ESFP bro walks in earlier saying "What do you want to do? I'll give you whatever money you need, you gotta do something!" That was nice. Little did he know that he was asking me the same unanswered question that echoes throughout my mind daily. Funny how money in situations like these seems absolutely useless.
You gotta do something that scratches that itch.
lol yea @dog8food I really relate to that inspiration, haha.
I really want to "live," and I just wish I could start doing that..
Edit I gues I'm scared to relax because life is so important and what if i miss something but
maybe i should relax a bit more and let life take care of some stuff too...
I really want to "live," and I just wish I could start doing that..
Edit I gues I'm scared to relax because life is so important and what if i miss something but
maybe i should relax a bit more and let life take care of some stuff too...
Wikipedia article about my life would be so odd and sad that I would have to be this suffering artist at heart. But where's the art?
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