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Discussion Starter #1
Hi guys,
I need your help. I like your suggestion on what you think...and the possibilities on keeping my rotten relationship with the ISTJ boyfriend.

I've been having over 2 year relationship with the super strong ISTJ man. He's only 1 year older than me and I'm 29. (Ye, none of us is mature.)
Well, I have to say that I'm also a very strong ESFP as well. Without being boasting, I was a real flirty independent and confident party girl who actually changed guys nightly and never think about settling down until I met him.

Since that first day...my big headache ongoing crying scene started from that day. uncountable ugly big fights and time off have happened soo many times that I feel like there's not much to go back to, but both of our stubborness. The 20% of our good times were the best and made me feel happy the most!

I saw on many posts mentioned that the relationship between ESFP and ISTJ can work out if both are mature.

well, What does it mean by being mature??
What do I have to do to be more mature??
Which skill do i have to improve??

We literally can tear each other into pieces over any arguement and over any little ridiculious things.

We are sooo different and stupidly proud of our strong personality.

My playful and flirty lines got my boyfriend incredibly cross and finds it hard to trust me...
His ignorance on the phone and etc. hurt me right deep in my heart.
His cold reaction towards my tears is also painfully unbearable...
I never got his sympathy from my tears...in an argument...he would go on and on pushing me to the edge about his points, repeated endlessly. No sorry can stop him...I said it about a thousand times and he still on and on asking for it and told me that I hadn't given it to him. On our last fight, I said sorry so many times and it couldn't stop him, until I ended up slapped my own face to let him know that I was sorry.
Guess what he did...he asked me to leave...and still didn't stop complaining.
You guys might wonder what's the argument was about...
it's about me going to surprise him and wake him up at 2 am on Sunday night because it's the time that I got home from a family business.

So, everytime that we had an arguement, I just wanted to run away...or threat him that I would leave him...(well at that point, I really thought so.)

and the method that he used to not let me go was to force me to do things to hurt my pride and my selfesteem, eg. go down on my knees and beg him...or return the money that I paid for my dinner and things, etc.

With the look of my careless lifestyle with money, he's worried so much that I would spend the money that he's been saving to build up his family...and I got to be looked down as if I'm a dependent woman. That's unbearable!!!
Actually, I have been taking care of myself since university and paid for guys...everyone knows that about me. With him, I'm not sure why after this 2 years, he still worries about that with me. I always share things and offer to pay. I made him lots of surprise and bought lots of expensive gift for him.
I'm super generous with money!! If i can pay for hotels for some random guys i picked up from a nightclub. Why should I still have that problem that he's still worried??
how can I fix his thought?? I feel like sometimes he just doesn't look at the reality and judge things from his head. That's sooo unfair!!


sorry for my long complaints, but it would be nice to get your guys suggestions.

No matter how much I want to leave this relationship and I know that I'll be just fine without him, but the love for him also makes me want to keep it...so bad that I would do anything for it!!

Can we actually work it out??
What can I do to keep this relationship and make it even better??
 

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Well... some thoughts...

First, wtf, did he start a fight for you waking him up 2 am????? Wanting to surprise him? That doesn't seem fair to me...at all. Poor you.

When it comes to the financial part... I think maybe the two of you have different definitions of being financially responisble or something. maybe the expensive gifts you're buying him and the way you're generous with your money scares him abit and makes him worried instead of making him feel secure that you really can handle it.

Now about the fights:
Sometimes it could help you if you took a step back from the emotions that overwhelms you when you're fighting. Try to do something totally different and change the pattern you two have. It's seems almost like a bad habit.

Ok, so you wanna give him a nice surprise and oups turns out he is a bitch about it: WALK OUT of the situation, without arguing. Just listen to what he says, and try not to act directly on your feelings.

Go home to your place, cry your eyes out if you feel that way and then try to think about how you really feel about it and what you think. Where do you stand, and why?

I think it's really boring to write stuff down, but it can really help to clear things up. Write down your points of view. Write down his point of view. How do you feel about his reaction and about what has happened?

Can you get him, understand why he acted the way he did? Can you accept what he said to you or the way he acted? Write that down too. If there's something in his way of acting towards you that you feel you cannot accept or is not right, think about why you feel that way, and how can you put it in words to explain that to him? Think about what he might say to you in return, and how you could deal with that. Be mentally prepared for his argumentation. Be prepared for that when you try to explain, he will not understand you. What will you do then? Is it acceptable for you that he doesnt understand?


Being mature is so many things. And one very important part, from my point of view, is to not let someone treat you bad and step on you, or pushing you into acts of total desperation.

You can also think about what, if any, pluses these fights give the two of you. I'm not talking simply about make up sex here, but sometimes drama, how weird it might seem, can be addictive.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
thank u so much!! so many great points uve made and i completely agree with u. im gonna try them all as u suggested and will let u kno how it goes. i really appreicate it. :) wot wise answers. :)
 

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thank u so much!! so many great points uve made and i completely agree with u. im gonna try them all as u suggested and will let u kno how it goes. i really appreicate it. :) wot wise answers. :)
@Boss could be right too, this might just be an abusive relationship. I think you have to ask yourself too, if this relationship gives you more grief than joy. I hope it works out for the best way... let us know sister!
 

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pay for hotels for random guys? this is a problem that I have with my ESFP girlfriend now. she does do some things. but her life is nothing but a party. and her finances are shot and she cries about it all the time but won't actually do anything. not that she doesn't buy me the occasional trinket. nothing nearly as nice as what I buy her. but I wish she would just take the money and get her life together. but yea.. she went broke paying for hotels and hot clothes for other guys she was seeing before. one after the next. now she looks at me like a provider. I've never been treated to a hotel or anything. and she doesn't even like to dress as hot as she did for the randoms. what's up with that?
 

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I've never been treated to a hotel or anything. and she doesn't even like to dress as hot as she did for the randoms. what's up with that?
Have you bought her something hot to wear? She'll probly wear it if you do. And did you ask about the hotel? She might not know you want that. Just be straightforward about stuff. But I don't give advice, so if it doesn't work, don't blame me. :tongue:
 

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Have you bought her something hot to wear? She'll probly wear it if you do. And did you ask about the hotel? She might not know you want that. Just be straightforward about stuff. But I don't give advice, so if it doesn't work, don't blame me. :tongue:
she thinks thats my job as the provider or so Im told. I have bought her hot clothes and lingerie. the clothes she will wear if I mention it. and lingerie she has to be pressed. she will always go back to something basic like sweats and hoodie. but let her be going out with girlfriends she is decked to the 9s. I have to tell her that how she dress will determine where i take her for dinner. I hate when you see all the hot pics they took a year before you met them. and then when she is with you not even near that level. or even the level of the first few dates.
 

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she thinks thats my job as the provider or so Im told. I have bought her hot clothes and lingerie. the clothes she will wear if I mention it. and lingerie she has to be pressed. she will always go back to something basic like sweats and hoodie. but let her be going out with girlfriends she is decked to the 9s. I have to tell her that how she dress will determine where i take her for dinner. I hate when you see all the hot pics they took a year before you met them. and then when she is with you not even near that level. or even the level of the first few dates.
Yeah, I can understand your frustration. Do you think she's intentionally trying to mess with you or just oblivious? It could be that she feels safer with you and kinda has that "I don't have to dress up for him" attitude, but if you have told her it's important to you for her to do that sometimes, then I don't know what else you can do. I'd say reassure her that you love her for her and not what she wears though. I'm not a chick, but I know in general our type can be a lot more insecure than we let on about things like that sometimes.

I can't really tell without knowing her or the both of you whether she is playing you/testing you or actually giving you a higher status by making you her safe haven kind of thing. If it's the latter, be appreciative of that, because we don't bestow that upon just anyone. :wink:
 

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you might have hit a point there. it could be something like that. And I don't expect hotness all the time. just some age appropriateness and sophistication when going out. leave the college frat gear at home.
 

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Hey Dale. I don't know if you are doing all the things to make her want you, but you have to be. If you're not looking perfect then you need to be. If you are and she is still dressing down, then I would walk. Easier said than done, but this would Piss me off to high heaven. I'm much too narcissistic to play second fiddle to randoms.
 

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I'm not istj, but I know many and I know u'll, by mature IMO you'll have to have open communication between each other ie " so let me understand this honey, you don't like me saying this, ok but i think you should know this was my actual intention etc... But if it bothers you so much I will stop it", as an Fi user I understand how it feels to have someone not understand your feelings from your point of view, but from my experience istj are not aware of feelings that much they're kind of OCD, so him not stopping when you cry is like asking someone who is racing a nascar race to stop, they really don't know how to, one thing you should remember about Sjs in general they operate from 'fear', Sps from 'Joy', in the subconscious of an istj there is always a worry of ... Lose of job, failure in whatever endeavour, fear of health issues etc... So they are extra careful and meticulous in everything, so your waking him up 2 am was done out of an innate joy, his reaction may be due to fear, the istjs I know take their sleep seriously either cos they have work the next day or cos a lack of sleep could lead to health issues, so communication and openness is a must, you shouldn't have gone down on your knees, he seems unhealthy from what I can read, I'd say communicate your views to him, show him about mbti and the difference in mind sets, for example you do something with a good intention or vice versa and it's misunderstood as bad, all 16 types we are different, hopefully he will understand istj are usually great people, esfp are arguably my favourite type, good luck.
 

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Hi guys,
I need your help. I like your suggestion on what you think...and the possibilities on keeping my rotten relationship with the ISTJ boyfriend.

I've been having over 2 year relationship with the super strong ISTJ man. He's only 1 year older than me and I'm 29. (Ye, none of us is mature.)
Well, I have to say that I'm also a very strong ESFP as well. Without being boasting, I was a real flirty independent and confident party girl who actually changed guys nightly and never think about settling down until I met him.

Since that first day...my big headache ongoing crying scene started from that day. uncountable ugly big fights and time off have happened soo many times that I feel like there's not much to go back to, but both of our stubborness. The 20% of our good times were the best and made me feel happy the most!

I saw on many posts mentioned that the relationship between ESFP and ISTJ can work out if both are mature.

well, What does it mean by being mature??
What do I have to do to be more mature??
Which skill do i have to improve??

We literally can tear each other into pieces over any arguement and over any little ridiculious things.

We are sooo different and stupidly proud of our strong personality.

My playful and flirty lines got my boyfriend incredibly cross and finds it hard to trust me...
His ignorance on the phone and etc. hurt me right deep in my heart.
His cold reaction towards my tears is also painfully unbearable...
I never got his sympathy from my tears...in an argument...he would go on and on pushing me to the edge about his points, repeated endlessly. No sorry can stop him...I said it about a thousand times and he still on and on asking for it and told me that I hadn't given it to him. On our last fight, I said sorry so many times and it couldn't stop him, until I ended up slapped my own face to let him know that I was sorry.
Guess what he did...he asked me to leave...and still didn't stop complaining.
You guys might wonder what's the argument was about...
it's about me going to surprise him and wake him up at 2 am on Sunday night because it's the time that I got home from a family business.

So, everytime that we had an arguement, I just wanted to run away...or threat him that I would leave him...(well at that point, I really thought so.)

and the method that he used to not let me go was to force me to do things to hurt my pride and my selfesteem, eg. go down on my knees and beg him...or return the money that I paid for my dinner and things, etc.

With the look of my careless lifestyle with money, he's worried so much that I would spend the money that he's been saving to build up his family...and I got to be looked down as if I'm a dependent woman. That's unbearable!!!
Actually, I have been taking care of myself since university and paid for guys...everyone knows that about me. With him, I'm not sure why after this 2 years, he still worries about that with me. I always share things and offer to pay. I made him lots of surprise and bought lots of expensive gift for him.
I'm super generous with money!! If i can pay for hotels for some random guys i picked up from a nightclub. Why should I still have that problem that he's still worried??
how can I fix his thought?? I feel like sometimes he just doesn't look at the reality and judge things from his head. That's sooo unfair!!


sorry for my long complaints, but it would be nice to get your guys suggestions.

No matter how much I want to leave this relationship and I know that I'll be just fine without him, but the love for him also makes me want to keep it...so bad that I would do anything for it!!

Can we actually work it out??
What can I do to keep this relationship and make it even better??
I don't think you're right for each other.
 
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