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Some thoughts getting closer to Valentines day.

If Fi is dominant in INFP, doesn't the Fi want the infatuation, codependent, obsessive, oxytocin supercharged love over-the-top romantic experience? I thought that more emotional people would like more emotional content in their lives. Romantic ideals such as Romeo and Juliet seem to be what Fi is all about. I thought INFP like to have good feelings, so then why not aim for the best feeling? Maybe high emotionally sensitivity leads to a fear of infatuation.
Sounds more like an unhealthy INFJ to me.
 

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That is the fantasy we experience in our minds, all the idealistic possiblities that could happen with that person. Problem is we don't have any concrete facts in reality to support those possibilities actually happening. So we realize that even though we dream up who that person MIGHT be, we have fallen in love with a false idea and if we proceed to pursue that person based off a false idea the possibility of us being horribly disappointed is also considered.
These nails has burst my balloon over and over again, time after time...when will I learn

 

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Discussion Starter #44
@Shroom

Actually, yes it does. It does sound like something that an INFJ would want more than an INFP. Is it possible that the INFP is more mellow and INFJ is more intense? In that case, the INFJ would be chasing the INFP.
 

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@Shroom

Actually, yes it does. It does sound like something that an INFJ would want more than an INFP. Is it possible that the INFP is more mellow and INFJ is more intense? In that case, the INFJ would be chasing the INFP.
INFJ craves external harmony while INFP needs internal harmony. So INFJ perhaps is more inclined to long for a merging while INFP needs relationships that leave room for us to fully realize ourselves. Put another way, INFJ longs to be understood and INFP prefers to keep parts of ourselves hidden.

Here’s a good comparison.

https://personalityhacker.com/infp-vs-infj/
 

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(Hi! First time posting in this forum. Nice to meet you all!)

I agree with BlueRaspberry's post that only unhealthy INFPs would want a codependent relationship because those types of relationships are inherently toxic. There was a time when I thought I enjoyed the obsessive, codependent type of infatuation, especially in my first "relationship" (if you can call it that). The emotional intensity was nice at first, but it's not worth losing yourself in the process from my experience. I still want an emotionally intense love, but just the healthy version with good boundaries and all that where I can be my own person. I tend to scoff at over-the-top, lovey dovey romance, but secretly deep down it's my favorite thing ever lol. Everything in moderation, though.
 

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Well, I like little bursts of the "rush" in the midst of an overall healthy, warm, companion relationship. Oxytocin yes, codependency not so much.

clem said:
I thought that more emotional people would like more emotional content in their lives.
Well, I think for INFPs maybe it's important to differentiate "feeling" and "emotion". I see "feeling" more as an overall value/tone/quality while emotion is more like an arousal state that an individual inhabits temporarily. INFPs are people with very powerful feelings first and foremost, and emotions can follow that but don't always and sometimes follow unbidden. Feelings on the other hand are sort of our lifeblood. So I think we like lots of feeling content, but how much emotional content depends on what kind of emotional content. Romeo and Juliet always have been creepy to me. Dying infatuated teenagers... yuck. Elderly couples that pass away within hours of each other make me misty-eyed, though.
 

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There are many factors to this discussion that lay outside the realm of personality type. Male and female perspectives will naturally differ to some extent. Some women might suffer from Daddy Issues, some might have Asperger's, some might just be inexperienced. Intelligence also comes in to play, as well as where a person is born, what type of culture they are raised in.

When I was younger and still dating I tended to attract introverted women, although I couldn't say for sure what their types are because I didn't know about such things back then. Just from my personal experience, the less intelligent women that I dated seemed to get bored very quickly and when they got bored they would try to experience a wide range of emotions by making my life a living hell.

When I turned 30 I was lucky enough to marry a highly intelligent ESTJ woman. My many years of marriage with her have been pure bliss. No intense drama, two wonderful children; life is good.
 

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INFJ craves external harmony while INFP needs internal harmony. So INFJ perhaps is more inclined to long for a merging while INFP needs relationships that leave room for us to fully realize ourselves. Put another way, INFJ longs to be understood and INFP prefers to keep parts of ourselves hidden.

Here’s a good comparison.

https://personalityhacker.com/infp-vs-infj/
Whoa!

I feel like this thought as been trying to formulate in the back of my head, but to read it out clearly is like *BAM THAT'S IT!*

I thought for a long time I wanted to be fully understood and accepted. Nope, I realize in practice I want to hide, and pick and choose what is revealed. I'm more confident in showing parts of myself I feel proud of than showing EVERYTHING even the things I'm not confident showing.

Perfect, thanks Blue Flower you helped me get it.
 

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@clem I think your use of the word "codependent" in the post made people feel apprehensive about the whole concept. I think that most people maybe would've responded yes to all the other descriptors (I know I would've) but throwing the one word codependent into the mix made people freak out because it changes the understanding of the whole relationship. I dunno, just my thoughts.

I think INFPs generally do want something super intense, and deep, and supercharged, and I can say that for myself I'm so emotionally intense that I've never really 100% felt satisfied with SOs because there's always somewhere so much more profound to go, so much more conjoined-twins-ness to do, etc.
Now, with all of this in the mix, there is at least for me a very real separation of me & the SO, our individualities. I experience both packness & separateness both at the same time. Not sure how this happens, or why exactly. When in relationship, I expect to be a pack. Like wolves. I expect telepathy between us. I expect a kind of fusion, in the sense of pack, otherwise it's not good enough. But at the same time, I'm very much my own individual with my own individual role, and I perceive and expect the other person to be an individual with their role. To me, we are not equals. We're individuals so in tune that we communicate telepathically, with an unbreakable bond-fusion like wolves. I think the word interdependence sounds more accurate. Because why would I be in a relationship where I don't need the person? And where they don't need me? What are we getting from each other then? Just company? Just good conversation? Not enough.

Now just speaking for myself, I agree with this quote from BF:

INFP needs relationships that leave room for us to fully realize ourselves.
A b s o l u t e l y.
I came to this earth to realize myself as an individual. At all levels. And hopefully to help people realize themselves as well. But my priority is myself.
I would also not be in relationship with a person that I couldn't help realize themselves. Hopefully I inspire higher things in them; although at the end of the day their own realization is individual. It is for all of us.

But don't relate to these ones:

INFP prefers to keep parts of ourselves hidden.
I thought for a long time I wanted to be fully understood and accepted. Nope, I realize in practice I want to hide, and pick and choose what is revealed.
I hide parts of myself from everyone on the planet, except the SO. That's the only place where someone will truly truly truly know me. And they better be prepared for it. Usually people can't stand to know my hidden worlds, which is why I'm chronically single lol I'd have an easier time dating if I just kept certain things to myself. But I can't do that. Literally can't. It has to be everything or nothing. I expect the same from the other person, and people are too secretive, too afraid, too self conscious, so... not good enough for me. I don't find the appeal of any of this in friendships though, only with 1 SO.
 
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