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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I watched a CP6 take advantage of a 2w3 for the longest time, and become a shittier person by the day. This conflicted with my faith on Christianity and I condemned him to hell, then became critical of my own ways to ensure I don't make immoral acts. This may make me a 1w2, but I've always gravitated more towards 1w9 focus on processes perfection of environment to create a correctly functioning society and system.
 

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I expect people to make decisions putting their ego, their own wishes and wants, aside, or at least trying to minimize them. I also expect them to see past the illusions that our feelings create for us. Of course the opposite occurs - people pick emotional comfort over facing the unsavory facts.

With the 9 wing I relate to the concept of Holy Love in that I've given a lot of thought to the concept of unconditional love, which in my opinion constitutes the most pure, the most perfect form of love that one is capable of. This whole concept is of course very idealistic.
 

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My first vision of perfection that sticks out the most (probably not the absolute FIRST EVER) is wondering why my parents couldn't keep the family together. They went through a lot of emotional turmoil with each other and all the kids got dragged through it and I wondered why things had to be like that. Why couldn't I just have a "normal" or "perfect" family, like everyone else?
 

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Hmm, I think I was about 10 or younger, I wanted the world to be ideal and did not understand why people did some things that are harmful to others.
I had a similar thought like this around that age (i.e. wanting to change the world- and despairing that I couldn't).

For myself, I really wanted the perfect family. Growing up in an abusive household really messed me up. I don't know how I managed to not get brainwashed into thinking that my father's violence towards me was justified. I think when I was three or so, I may have a sense of "This is not right!!!!" in response to abuse. So I often wished I would have parents who would treat me like a human being. I envied the freedom my classmates had, and many of them had wonderful families who did not try to isolate their children, like my father did to me. That, to me, would have been the ultimate ideal. I know if I'd been raised differently, I would be a better person, and I would not have the sense of being utterly worthless as a human being, as I do now.
 

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I had a similar thought like this around that age (i.e. wanting to change the world- and despairing that I couldn't).

For myself, I really wanted the perfect family. Growing up in an abusive household really messed me up. I don't know how I managed to not get brainwashed into thinking that my father's violence towards me was justified. I think when I was three or so, I may have a sense of "This is not right!!!!" in response to abuse. So I often wished I would have parents who would treat me like a human being. I envied the freedom my classmates had, and many of them had wonderful families who did not try to isolate their children, like my father did to me. That, to me, would have been the ultimate ideal. I know if I'd been raised differently, I would be a better person, and I would not have the sense of being utterly worthless as a human being, as I do now.
That is a very harsh childhood to have. I hope what I will share and my suggestion would be of some help. I have passed through a very hard time in my life, not like yours, but I learned something important that even if our experiences and our past does have an effect on us in our thoughts, feelings and behavior they do not define who we are. Who we are is not an experience, it is our basic essence, it is more than our personality. I think it is our basic inner most characteristics that are constant that do not change and not our self-concept, how others view us, our memories, etc. You are not your past, what happened to you is awful but that is not you, you do not need to feel worthless because you are not. You might say these are just words but I assure you they are more than that. Who are you deep down? Do not be afraid to find out, when you find out all these self criticisms will disappear.
 

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I always built little houses with blocks when I was a kid and I spent a lot of time making them symmetric and perfectly placed, edges flush, only the nice blocks, etc...

I also would draw things in perspective when I was a little older, and everything, down to the smallest detail, would be very meticulously done.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I know if I'd been raised differently, I would be a better person, and I would not have the sense of being utterly worthless as a human being, as I do now.
Don't you have a sense of pride in how you are though? We have inconsistencies, and that is something we hate, but we're better than most about what we know to be right. You should have a greater sense of pride about how you've changed yourself.
 

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I know if I'd been raised differently, I would be a better person, and I would not have the sense of being utterly worthless as a human being, as I do now.
When I feel worthless, I try to help people out around me and make their lives better through compassionate actions, like taking care of all the little things most people are too busy to find time to do and spending time listening to them.

The past is dead and the future isn't here yet, if you actually want to be a better person, then now's the time to act.
 

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Don't you have a sense of pride in how you are though? We have inconsistencies, and that is something we hate, but we're better than most about what we know to be right. You should have a greater sense of pride about how you've changed yourself.
You're right, I should. Most people I know are proud of me. I tend to minimize myself, though. I'll often say things like, "I may have made some changes, but there's still a long way to go." I do need to learn to accept myself, but I've no idea how to do that.
 

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I always built little houses with blocks when I was a kid and I spent a lot of time making them symmetric and perfectly placed, edges flush, only the nice blocks, etc...

I also would draw things in perspective when I was a little older, and everything, down to the smallest detail, would be very meticulously done.
That story reminded me of one of my own. As a child, I liked to play with Barbie dolls. Anyhow, I was a klutzy kid (I'm still a klutz), and I often ended up snapping Barbie's head off accidentally (like when I tried to make her head nod, or make her head shake "no"). Now, in having the doll's head snap off, the neck often got broken, too. And the plastic thing that attached Barbie's head to her neck often fell out in the head-snapping process, so it was impossible to put her head back on. Usually, this happened with my sister's dolls, that I would steal and play with in secret. Well, whenever I broke another doll's head, I'd just shove it onto the neck without the plastic connecter, or use a tinker toy stick to connect the two (that didn't work well). Well, after the dolls got accidentally broken, I would give them back to my sister and say, "Here. I accidentally broke this and I'm giving it back to you." She would get mad and say, "What's the matter, my dolls are no longer good enough for you?" And I would say, "No, because I can't get her head on just right. I don't want to play with a broken toy- the doll no longer looks like she's supposed to."
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
You're right, I should. Most people I know are proud of me. I tend to minimize myself, though. I'll often say things like, "I may have made some changes, but there's still a long way to go." I do need to learn to accept myself, but I've no idea how to do that.
What kind of changes are you talking about?

Hmm... a 1 who doesn't accept themselves... that's beyond me. I've known 1s to only accept themselves and overtime learn to stop even accepting self when disintegrating fully. Can't find advice for you, sorry.
 

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What kind of changes are you talking about?

Hmm... a 1 who doesn't accept themselves... that's beyond me. I've known 1s to only accept themselves and overtime learn to stop even accepting self when disintegrating fully. Can't find advice for you, sorry.
When you get to the point of feeling guilty for every little thing, you start to lose self-worth. When you are raised to believe that you are a bad, horrible person, as I was, then you internalize that. When you feel like a failure, like someone who cannot reach any of their goals, you will feel like the lowest of the low.

As for the types of changes, well, that can apply to several things. But, to give an example: I am going back to school next month. I have multiple health issues. It's been suggested to me that I not overexert myself by taking on a lot of responsibilities, like trying to work while in school, etc, as stress impacts my physical and mental health. That said, I feel like even though I'm making a positive change by going to school and working towards a career, I am not contributing financially at the moment. I would be if I weren't sick, and if it wasn't so hard to find work (that's why I'm going to school). I will be contributing to the finances once I graduate, if hired. But for me, that is not enough. I need to be contributing now, and I feel like illness is a poor excuse on my part (even though, logically speaking, it's not my fault I'm sick). So, I feel like I'm not doing enough, basically. And if I'm not doing enough, then I see myself as useless and as a failure.
 
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