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Discussion Starter #1
Good morning!

My ISFJ and I have been talking about getting engaged/married, but we're in a bit of a unique situation. Our one year anniversary is coming up, but we were in an open relationship up until last month. While I wasn't seeing anyone else, he was living with his other girlfriend and continues to do so after they broke up, though she has become hostile.

We're trying to decide timing on getting engaged, seeing as we've only truly been monogamous for a month and would expect to be monogamous in a marriage. I always felt I'd be ready for engagement after a year (and I do), but he's still struggling with the breakup and not wanting to get engaged immediately afterwards.

Any thoughts on timing? (I've been over his ex since I met her, but I understand it will take him longer :tongue: ) I want to give him time to get over her, but I also don't want us to wait indefinitely.
 

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Hello there :)

I think your relationship dynamic could potentially change quite a lot as he emotionally moves on from her and as you become a monogamous couple. To me a year is quite fast, and only a month of monogamy is very fast. Personally I knew I wanted at least two years under my belt so I could see the relationship twice through every season (something about the meaningfulness about coming full circle, parallels, synchronicity, etc.), but I ended up feeling no rush with my ISFJ following that, and neither did he.

I do understand the impatience of the wait, though! We got engaged around four and a half years in. I was ready at about three and a half years, but he wanted to finish school first, so we ended up waiting a little less than a year more. It was exciting but also so hard sometimes, especially as we grew closer and closer to his "deadline"! Anyway, I think the wait is very worth however long it takes. It is wonderful to enter married life feeling confident, stable, and united. In some ways I think the pre-engagement period was more exciting and magical than engagement, too. Engagement was a wonderful whirlwind, but it was much about family and planning. Pre-engagement was full of nascent excitement, stirring, intimacy, surprise.

As for timing - when you both know. I don't know that there is any real way to quantify it. I know sometimes Js are good at creating a timeline that works well for them and are comfortable adhering to it. As an INFP I wait until I just know, and when I know, I know. I asked my ISFJ - he said he just knew he wanted to finish his licensure first before he got married. He felt like it was right and responsible to secure his career first before promising that he could be a good partner to someone else. I assume your ISFJ will probably also want to feel like he has his personal affairs in order first before sealing a bond with another.
 
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