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What age range are you in? I'm 28


Any disorders or conditions we should know about?


I have PTSD and synesthesia. 9 years ago I was misdiagnosed as bi-polar. If anyone knows about family dynamics or psychology, this is probably important to note before reading my responses: I was the "Identified Patient" in my family. I was put on 7-9 different psychiatric medications starting at age 19. I began the withdrawal process about a year ago and have been off of them completely for a month. In this last year my health has improved exponentially. I think that some of the answers may be tricky to pick apart, however, I don't believe the task will be insurmountable for a willing mind.


Main Questions


1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.


I have a hunger for knowledge and understanding. I really do like to at least try and understand the world through as objective of a lens as possible. I like to structure thoughts with theories and make sense of the world that way, so knowledge is probably my underlying motivation for all of that.


2. What were you like as a kid?


I spent a lot of time alone playing with legos, my erector set, reading, watching Jerry Springer and laughing/wondering about the world, playing or composing on the piano. I had one or two good friends. I enjoyed spending time with my good friends one on one, but kind of clung to them in group situations out of social awkwardness. I was joyful, always smiling, full of energy, unaware of my affect on others, and active. I was always doing something, whether it was listening to jazz on my boom box and solving a puzzle, pretending I was a native american outside, obsessing about the amount of times I jumped over my skip-it, dancing ballet, researching how to apply makeup, experimenting on the cats or dog, or playing in the basement with my sister/by myself. My favorite memory was how happy I felt when I learned how much math made sense. I had some math flash cards with lady bugs on them and kind of fell in love with building my own complex problems and solving them throughout my adolescence.


3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?


My dad is an 8 and my mom is a 1. She tested with an enneagram specialist, but my dad just took a test this year, so I am not positive, however, he really does fit the e8 profile.


The thing about my interactions with my parents is that I essentially was unable to communicate with them in a way that made sense to them. I was tested in junior high when my parents speculated that something was wrong with me and my test results showed the highest math comprehension scores the tester had ever seen. My mom decided to homeschool me for a year even, because the public school system didn't really know what to do with me. I was often described as "zoned out". I tried explaining to my parents that I was listening, but also thinking at the same time.


When I wasn't quietly thinking, my dad was always telling or yelling at me, "think before you speak" and would get angry at me a lot about the way I managed the details of my life. Before I figured certain things out in my mind, I often left my bike outside or when I was old enough to drive at 15 (those were the days) locked my keys in the car, which was a source of frustration for my Dad especially.


I disliked how my dad would yell at me and my mom and sister, so I took a lot of time to try to get to the bottom of the reasons why. I have been in therapy for many years and have been driven to research typology and psychology as a way to come to an understanding about some of the painful memories and pain the world. I was always very good at bluntly stating the truth in my family.


I was watching a family vid last Christmas and at one point while my family and I are decorating the tree, I say something regarding the family dynamic and how it tied into my Grandma dealing with Gramdpa's alcoholism and etc. Pretty ballsy for a 12 year old, but then I get excited by an ornament and make it dance in front of the camera with a song while making a bizarre face a few minutes later.


My mom and I can talk for hours about different ideas and philosophies. Both my parents now regard me as wise and appreciate my input (however sick they still see me.)


4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?


The word "values" covers quite a large area. I suppose in regards to social rituals, religious, political, ethical/moral values, I'm more interested in finding an objective theory or through-line. I think I'm probably inherently altruistic, however, I feel like I need to learn more about a lot of things and enjoy reading about various religions. I'm currently reading about buddhism. "If the Buddha Dated" is an interesting book as well as "Emotional Alchemy". I think it is important to understand the truth in any given situation and to be myself. I decided that being myself is the most efficient way of being in the world, if not the most strategic. At the end of the day, at least I know I'm responsible for my life. I think I'd like to avoid coming across as stupid and/or inherently broken, but probably having that fear causes a lot of issues for me. I don't like people knowing too much about me and my thoughts in social settings, but I sometimes think I end up sharing way too much and then internally panic.




5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?


I can't really think of any fears, but sometimes I have this fear... like this one time I was walking into a grocery store, I felt too vulnerable; like I could easily be seen through or read too easily. Sometimes I feel like an ant that could easily be squashed. I've had the fear in the past that if anyone really understood who I am at the core, they would be disgusted. I've found though that most people have their own stories and don't care too much about even their closest friends. Most people project a lot anyway. I've been experimenting with sharing my thoughts with more people and it has been overall very self-affirming.


6. a.) How do you see yourself?


I think it is hard to. Maybe empty and confused.


b.) How do you want others to see you?


Part of me doesn't really care, but I like when my inner circle (close friends, SO, and some family) see me as intelligent, interesting, and fun.


c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?


My least favorite person has all of my least favorite traits. I usually dislike everything about pompous overly-educated individuals who jump to conclusions illogically, then stubbornly defend their stance. It makes me cringe and I become filled with hate.


7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).


a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others. - 2
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you - 1
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else. - 3


8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?


Tangents upon tangents. I get lost in my tangents. I can't always explain what provokes this. It could be the smallest thing, like cutting a piece of cheese might remind me of how important small pleasures are, which could then in 20 minutes lead to making a youtube video on the power of positive thinking, where I excitedly put together a few theories by comparing an abstract concept like how the world views world peace, with the concept of trauma and neural pathways. This could then lead to discussions with others on potentially conducting a research. Sometimes, I'll only take it that far. Maybe that is too far in the first place, but what compels me, I could not say.


9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?


I feel my best when I am able to be myself freely in the moment and share my thoughts with others in a productive way. At my best, I am witty, fun, more relaxed, self-assured, confident, and able to do anything I set my mind to. At my worst, my apartment is a wreck, I've lost direction, and feel confused about what to do.


Once I know what to do, I'll follow through, but I think sometimes day to day things get thrown aside until that point. I can't really commit to one career and at my worst, I'm juggling too many guys. I sort of have an addiction to sex, so that is part of me at my worst. I think my parents are frustrated with the amount of times I've switched majors. There are so many things I would like to understand and know. College should be cheaper, imo. xD I am grateful to live in this internet age, but I have kind of developed an internet addiction. Google is addictive. I think, at this point, I can prioritize what is important enough to go to school for and what can just be learned online. I'm starting to wonder how important education is anyway. I think it entirely depends on the person. For some people, getting a degree at Harvard is useless, because they don't really function well in the world for other reasons. #TANGENT


10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:


a.) anger


Anything involving abusive/unfair treatment of children or "minorities".


b.) shame


When I allow myself to overindulge in sex, weed, and people, causing me to be distracted enough to become confused about my life.


c.) anxiety


Not having an underlying motivation for living; surviving from day to day. Not being knowledgable enough to be successful in something
11. Describe how you respond to the following:


a.) stress


Sex and weed


b.) negative unexpected change


Isolation


c.) conflict


Sometimes the immediate response is cold, demanding, and rigid in nature, but typically introspection and research about the problem to get to a place of understanding and then an honest talk with the person is how I do my do.


12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?


It really just depends on the group. I can usually know what the types are of the people I'm working with and have studied inter-type relations enough to know how to predict a few general outcomes. If there is an ESFj in the group, I might strategically let them be in charge, for example. I really don't like being in the spotlight, but I've been a manager before and don't mind being in charge.


b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?


If put in power, I just do my job as effectively as possible. I take responsibility seriously and struggle with "taking work home" too much. It takes a lot of energy to do things like coach employees, but I find it can be satisfying when there are results. I also have an experimental approach to the way I deal with people, so I find those kind of opportunities interesting. Like, "What happens when I coach this sales associate like this? How will he/she respond if I make a joke and send them on their way positively? Will it affect the sales for the day?" (yes)


c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?


I think I annoy authority, but I wouldn't say there is much of a struggle, per se. It is just that I can find acceptable short cuts if I'm not interested in learning about something like "Washington State History", for example. I might see how many tardies I can get away with, how long I can sleep in class behind a book and have it go unnoticed, or just play a game in my mind to keep myself just awake enough to not to get in trouble. When I zoned out in class:


Teacher: "blah blah, the 55 lava flows that shaped washington… blah blah….etc^1,000."


**After the teacher lectures for 10 minutes, he notices I've zoned out or almost fallen asleep. He loudly slams his travel mug (of alcohol, not coffee. I could smell that…) on the table and glares at me.**


"CHRISTI!! Tell us all about how the topography in washington."


Me: "I think it is really interesting how the 55 lava flows shaped the land."


I didn't really struggle to the point of getting in big trouble and I have no criminal record. :p


13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?


Their dark side and if they are able to bring it out and embrace it. I can also see auras and sometimes bits of their childhood memories. I've recently taken to drawing auras that are really prominent and I don't give a fuck if that sounds crazy. :)


14. Comment on your relationship with trust.


I am not the best at trusting others enough to be allies in my life, but the more I do EMDR therapy, the easier it is for me to realize that I can set boundaries and teach people how I'd like to be treated so I'm not always feeling at the whim of other people's anger or so vulnerable in the world.


I do trust a lot of things in my life though. I'd say math is like a religion for me and most of science as well. I trust that there are awesome people and experiences out there and that being open minded to that fact is better than shutting myself down entirely to the world.


15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?


http://www.isidewith.com/results/310828759 < I'm essentially a libertarian with economically republican and socially liberal view points.


I am agnostic because I like to hold out belief in something bigger than I can even comprehend, but I am pretty pragmatic about what is already known. I like to study religions more than anything, but I've found that buddhism is my favorite to read about.

Have they influenced my responses to this questionnaire? Probably not too heavily, but my view points shape how I think and how I think shapes my view points so I don't know how my view points couldn't.





Optional Question (due to personal nature)


Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.


I nearly died in 2010. I was 2 weeks away, peeing blood, vomiting, jaundiced, unable to move, and feeling very scared. I thought, "If I get out of this alive, I will embrace love and life with open arms." I began suddenly regretting isolating for months to work on projects, not telling someone when I loved them, and putting up with abusive bullshit because of lack of confidence.


I've taken my 5 years of being bedridden from my autoimmune condition and my 9 year misdiagnosis and treatment for bipolar as springboards for a better way of understanding, appreciating, and being in the world. I don't think I became content with myself until after I nearly died and I've never appreciated who I am as much as I do now off of all the medications.


Extra Questions


Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? (And briefly state why)


- To constantly push yourself to be “the best”
- To be without needs, well-intentioned
- To replace direct experience with concepts < If I understand what this means… I think this. I often will think more than act because it is very comfortable in my mind.


- To have an extreme sense of personal moral obligation
- To think that fulfillment is somewhere else
- To cyclically become indecisive and seek others for reassurance
- To overuse imagination in searching for yourself.
- To avoid conflicts and asserting yourself
- To consider yourself entirely self-sufficient




What's something you are: a.) thankful you have b.) wish you could have? Why?


a.) I'm thankful I have a healthy body and mind now.
b.) I wish I could have an apartment on the east coast! I'm sick of the west right now.:crazy:

 
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