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I see a lot of threads by other types asking the ENFJs on this forum to try to interpret the behavior of an ENFJ in their life based on the people on this forum's past experiences: I see a lot the answer: "Be open and talk to them yourself" because no one hear can really tell what that ENFJ is thinking really, but I also think about these scenarios; I wonder if the direct approach is always best, so I thought of a few ideas for a non ENFJ to find out how an ENFJ really feels: feedback would be welcome!

First of all, I wanted to lay out the possible reasons why ENFJs don't share what they feel:

1. There's nothing to share. ENFJs can be notorious for giving the wrong impression sometimes, because they love people so much and get so excited about being around anyone that they connect well with, share a lot of common interests with, and who actually listen to what they have to say, that an ENFJ who loves someone as just a friend can easily behave like another type who's madly in love.

2. Fear of rejection. Sometimes the ENFJ is unsure how the other person feels so they hesitate for fear of getting hurt.

3. Not being sure if they want a relationship. I've read and also seen from time to time ENFJs crushing hard on people that they don't really want to pursue a relationship; usually in those cases, I find they make a huge effort to hide their feelings, because they don't want to lead the other person on.

4. Sometimes the friendzone is the best place to be. ENFJs, at least the healthy mature ones, often look to the interests of the people in their lives more than they're own, so if they look at the big picture and see that a relationship would not be the best thing for both parties they strive to stay content within the friend zone.


Okay, so going on to how someone would address these things. First of all, it's possible that if the reasons are 3, and 4, it may be possible that the ENFJ may never reveal what they feel, unless it's so overwhelming that they can't help it. (I'm not sure how often that happens) I'm guessing usually, however, they might just think thoughts that would detach themselves from the romantic feelings or avoid the person altogether as a last resort:

*The direct approach. Tell, them how you feel and what you want.

This is the advice I see given most often; probably because most of the time they might be scared to say how they feel, not knowing how you feel. But, even if they don't feel anything at present, if they're that enthusiastic to have you as a friend, you never know they're feelings might grow knowing that you feel that way about them. Sometimes the ENFJ might get so caught up in thinking of how great you are to have as a friend they may not have even considered the possibility that you like them that way, even if the signs are right in front of them.

The drawback of this way is, you may want to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility of rejection, because if they don't believe that they could ever share your feelings, you could not only face rejection, but possibly end a friendship.

*Be observant, and go along with their subtle hints.

Sometimes when ENFJs are too shy or scared to reveal what they feel they might give you little hints. I find a lot of ENFJs tend to express themselves kinda in riddles, because they really want to share what they feel with those close to them, but they're so scared the other person won't take to it very well.
So, if an ENFJ says, for example: "Hey, that's a cool looking house we should buy this house one day." try playing along with it and feel out how they respond. That's just one example, but they could use any number of things like that to kind of indirectly say what they're feeling.

The drawback about this method, however, is that it's still pretty subtle, so they may still be kinda unsure, and you may end up still not really getting anything out of them, and you may end up having to be more direct.

*create a hypothetical situation.

If you want to reveal how you feel, but want to err to the safe side and not potentially ruin the friendship you could say, in effect, "If you ended up ever liking me, I might end up liking you too." sort of give the message that you don't necessarily have feelings for them now, but if they ever had feelings for you, those feelings might grow in you, and kinda feel out how they react to that idea. It might take them time to get over the awkwardness of the idea, but hopefully the friendship might not be ruined by it.

The potential drawback of this idea is that if they don't share your feelings you may end up never being able to really express what you feel, without being more direct and potentially ending the friendship. That last two ideas are probably better for if your feelings aren't so overwhelming that you could still remain friends with the person if they didn't really like you back.

Okay, so I'm open to other ideas, and feedback. If you think my suggestions stink that's fine too, lol!
 

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1. There's nothing to share. ENFJs can be notorious for giving the wrong impression sometimes, because they love people so much and get so excited about being around anyone that they connect well with, share a lot of common interests with, and who actually listen to what they have to say, that an ENFJ who loves someone as just a friend can easily behave like another type who's madly in love.
Every time I start to calm down about the ENFJ I like, something sets me off again. :crazy:

I guess the only way to find out for sure without initiating or pursuing (because I won't) is to just wait it out and be accessible.

gah! Why does life always have to be so complicated????

Sorry, back to regular programming...
 

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So, if an ENFJ says, for example: "Hey, that's a cool looking house we should buy this house one day." try playing along with it and feel out how they respond. That's just one example, but they could use any number of things like that to kind of indirectly say what they're feeling.
The minute I say something like that to my SO, it means that I'm already planning on proposing to her. I'm committed, and in it for the long run --- I know what hearing something like that would mean to another person, so I would never just toss it around randomly or playfully.

But that's just me and I don't speak for other ENFJ's.

Good post btw :)
 

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Discussion Starter #4
The minute I say something like that to my SO, it means that I'm already planning on proposing to her. I'm committed, and in it for the long run --- I know what hearing something like that would mean to another person, so I would never just toss it around randomly or playfully.

But that's just me and I don't speak for other ENFJ's.

Good post btw :)

Thanks for the feedback. The reason why I threw that out as an example is cuz my ENFJ friend kinda did say that in a jokey way; well not just to me. There were also two other guys in the van, and he had to turn around, so when he saw a big house with a "For Sale" sign, he said, "If I pull in here, we have to buy this house," lol. I really don't think he was directing that just to me, cuz if he was, yeah, that'd been pretty bold considering that I'm not an SO but just a friend.
 

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Thanks for the feedback. The reason why I threw that out as an example is cuz my ENFJ friend kinda did say that in a jokey way; well not just to me. There were also two other guys in the van, and he had to turn around, so when he saw a big house with a "For Sale" sign, he said, "If I pull in here, we have to buy this house," lol. I really don't think he was directing that just to me, cuz if he was, yeah, that'd been pretty bold considering that I'm not an SO but just a friend.
Well ... now that I think about it :/ I have made similar statements to women [but not something quite like that] without knowing the ramifications of it on them.

One time I was chatting with my "to be" fiance before I fell in love with her and she was whining about not being able to talk to me because she was going to the beach and I said something like "Well, if I want to talk to you, I'll find a way to get my message across to you even if I have to walk a thousand miles to do so." :/ It was just a random toss out, but she remembered it and when we got engaged, she brought it up as a sure "signal" of my interest in her --- and at that time .. I wasn't that into her.

So .. umm yah .. you're right after all. I was a big unintentional flirt before I got married.
 

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Not to hijack this thread, but this is the reason why I won't be friends with guys I'm interested in--or friends with men in general. I'll be friendly but not much more. Maybe that's me being difficult again, but I just don't have room in my life for games or ambiguity. It hurts.

The sad thing is, I'm much more grounded when in a relationship than not--but I'm picky and I'll wallow in the desert until I get what I want. :bored:

The ENFJ whom I like is very tuned into me, it seems...e.g. I was silently trying suppress a cough the other night and no one had a clue but him. So hopefully he is perceptive about the above stated. My life is extremely complicated right now and I really don't have room for fluff.

I'm a serious person. Not solemn serious, but serious and intense. If I give my attention to someone it's for real. I don't want to be effed with.
 

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Well ... now that I think about it :/ I have made similar statements to women [but not something quite like that] without knowing the ramifications of it on them.

One time I was chatting with my "to be" fiance before I fell in love with her and she was whining about not being able to talk to me because she was going to the beach and I said something like "Well, if I want to talk to you, I'll find a way to get my message across to you even if I have to walk a thousand miles to do so." :/ It was just a random toss out, but she remembered it and when we got engaged, she brought it up as a sure "signal" of my interest in her --- and at that time .. I wasn't that into her.

So .. umm yah .. you're right after all. I was a big unintentional flirt before I got married.
Interesting that you say that because I find when my ENFJ friend gives me lots of compliments I find I start relaxing feeling like, he only sees me as a friend, but it's when he starts being really cautious about what he says and can't tell me something really nice without getting really nervous and blushing like a schoolgirl, I guess afraid that he might betray something he doesn't that I start to suspect something's up.

I find you ENFJ guys seem to come from some bizarro universe where you gush out with so much attention to people that you don't feel that much toward and seem to act kinda frigid sometimes toward people you like. I find ENFJs guys--idk if it's true of all of them--but they have this way of saying things for absolutely no reason but to get an emotional response from someone else to see how they react. I'm not saying that it's manipulative; it shows how good ENFJs are, though, at getting the emotional responses they're looking for in people, especially when they're trying to play it safe. I find ENFJ guys are like bright neon onions: they're full of layers and each layer emanates some freakishly distracting color.
 

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Not to hijack this thread, but this is the reason why I won't be friends with guys I'm interested in--or friends with men in general. I'll be friendly but not much more. Maybe that's me being difficult again, but I just don't have room in my life for games or ambiguity. It hurts.

The sad thing is, I'm much more grounded when in a relationship than not--but I'm picky and I'll wallow in the desert until I get what I want. :bored:

The ENFJ whom I like is very tuned into me, it seems...e.g. I was silently trying suppress a cough the other night and no one had a clue but him. So hopefully he is perceptive about the above stated. My life is extremely complicated right now and I really don't have room for fluff.

I'm a serious person. Not solemn serious, but serious and intense. If I give my attention to someone it's for real. I don't want to be effed with.
I'm tempted to answer this, but I'm afraid I might steer you wrong, cuz my advice would be to tell him exactly what you posted. My experience with ENFJ guys is that they usually appreciate it when people are straight with them. Please, guys tell me if you disagree with that, lol.
 

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I'm tempted to answer this, but I'm afraid I might steer you wrong, cuz my advice would be to tell him exactly what you posted. My experience with ENFJ guys is that they usually appreciate it when people are straight with them. Please, guys tell me if you disagree with that, lol.
Heh. As far as I'm concerned, I would prefer it if someone would outright tell me they hate me instead of doing it in a round about way [especially through back-biting or gossiping which I always seem to find out about anyways --- "keep your friends close, your enemies closer" sort of thing].

I'm not stupid enough to not know what/how another person feels about me - mostly through my intuition, but also because I usually have a very wide network and words get around. But I like to hear it nonetheless. I don't question my intuition, and people who exhibit unpredictable behaviour are tedious.

Sometimes, I'm so in tune with another person that if I realize that they consider me an asshole or something --- then I purposefully start behaving like an asshole to them - and I don't really care how they respond to me once I've created a specific image for them.
 

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I'm tempted to answer this, but I'm afraid I might steer you wrong, cuz my advice would be to tell him exactly what you posted. My experience with ENFJ guys is that they usually appreciate it when people are straight with them. Please, guys tell me if you disagree with that, lol.
I think it's way too early in the game for that. We are just getting to know each other. Barely past the acquaintance stage. I'd like to keep it light.

For all my fretting, I am giving this about 2 months to develop and go somewhere without forcing the issue. So I think my job for now is to be encouraging and accessible--and if nothing happens drop it.

I guess the part I feel uncomfortable about is the flirting and sending wrong messages. I typically know the difference between friendly flirting and serious flirting--and when someone does that light nonsensical flirting, I'm cool with it.

But I've had a couple of experiences where men acted like they had serious crushes on me, to the point where others noticed it--only to find out one was engaged to be married, and the other was in a committed relationship. I don't play around like that and I don't think I give out signs of playing around like that, so wtf?
 

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Heh. As far as I'm concerned, I would prefer it if someone would outright tell me they hate me instead of doing it in a round about way [especially through back-biting or gossiping which I always seem to find out about anyways --- "keep your friends close, your enemies closer" sort of thing].
I don't know if you're speaking in general, or addressing Dulcinea's question about my sitch, but I could never hate this guy. I think the potential to fall for him hard is there, like I've never fallen for anyone before, and I'm terrified. I want things to be what they are, not illusions of something else. I'm just too emotionally vulnerable and sensitive, and looking for something serious. No apologies.
 

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I don't know if you're speaking in general, or addressing Dulcinea's question about my sitch, but I could never hate this guy. I think the potential to fall for him hard is there, like I've never fallen for anyone before, and I'm terrified. I want things to be what they are, not illusions of something else. I'm just too emotionally vulnerable and sensitive, and looking for something serious. No apologies.
I was responding to Dulcinea's question and this was by no means a reference to you at all.
 

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crap! The ENFJ came on all strong with me today, and then got exasperated and acted miffed when I was having a shy spell. Is this typical? My ENFJ sister is a moody pain in the arse as well. I just ignored it and got into my own space.

I've been going through a lot of behind the scenes stress about something happening in my life right now-- and maybe he's misinterpreting my demeanor. In any case, I resisted appeasement, which is my usual blame-myself-for-everything behavior.

Maybe he has his own stress and it came out sideways at me. Dunno.

I was probably a bit reserved though...I couldn't bring myself to call him by name or touch his arm--thus resisting intimacy. If he was mirroring me, then I was flipping cold today, gah!
 

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crap! The ENFJ came on all strong with me today, and then got exasperated and acted miffed when I was having a shy spell. Is this typical? My ENFJ sister is a moody pain in the arse as well. I just ignored it and got into my own space.

I've been going through a lot of behind the scenes stress about something happening in my life right now-- and maybe he's misinterpreting my demeanor. In any case, I resisted appeasement, which is my usual blame-myself-for-everything behavior.

Maybe he has his own stress and it came out sideways at me. Dunno.

I was probably a bit reserved though...I couldn't bring myself to call him by name or touch his arm--thus resisting intimacy. If he was mirroring me, then I was flipping cold today, gah!

He may have taken it as a form of rejection, not realizing it was the result of shyness. I find as an extremely introverted person myself, looking in retrospect, I don't think we're usually aware of how cold and aloof we can appear sometimes, particularly to extroverts. If he came on strong, he was really putting himself on a limb to express himself, which from my experience, ENFJs rarely do, unless they're serious.

I would think for an introvert to interact with an ENFJ well, would be, first of all to explain their social limitations, because I think sometimes ENFJs can easily misinterpret the behaviors of those different from them, basing their interpretation on how they would behave on any given occasion.
I find with my ENFJ friend, if he's hurt my feelings or if I'm feeling any strong emotion as a result of anything he's said or done I usually do one of two things: I usually put it in writing, either as a text or email or whatever, because I find, while he has the advantage when it comes to face to face interactions, I find textual interactions is more my domain. Or, I sort of "make an appointment" to talk to him, thus putting myself in a situation in which he expects me to talk to him and have something to say. I find it kinda pushes me in a corner; sometimes makes me nervous. I sometimes try to picture his response as I mentally prepare what I want to say to him, taking into account the best and worst case scenarios, figuring that what really ends up happening is usually somewhere in the middle.
 

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Thanks Dulcinea! I do get the feeling he felt rejected. I did manage to come out of my shy phase although not without first accidentally letting a door close on him when I attempted to hold it open behind me. It looked like I was being rude but I really miscalculated where he was! What made it worse is that he would never do that. He is so careful! :(

I'm having an off day with him. Part of this has to do with said stress and all the obsessing I did about ENFJ flirting intentions. I was just feeling too raw for any potential rejection today I'm a mess and need to go into my cave, haha!

I will see him next week and plan on straightening out my act. If all it takes is to be consistently demonstrative, I'm willing to practice doing that.

This miffo think happened once before a few months ago, where he took my shyness/tentativeness as something else. I'm just going to try and not act shy around him if it makes him feel bad like that.
 

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Sometimes, I'm so in tune with another person that if I realize that they consider me an asshole or something --- then I purposefully start behaving like an asshole to them - and I don't really care how they respond to me once I've created a specific image for them.
I'm glad you said that, Jawz. I actually do this as well and am incredibly gifted at getting under people's skin unlike anyone I've ever met except maybe my INFP sister and a former close friend who is ENTJ. I don't think the ENTJ does it on purpose though whereas with me it's done totally consciously.

Eta: This is NOT a good thing!
 
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If people want to know how I truly feel, they have to have an aura or an atmosphere about them that makes me trust them fully. Sometimes if an emotion of mine is too strong, I can let the world know about it because it's hard for me to contain the feeling myself. Yet, during those times, I sometimes feel like I have "said too much" when others start offering their opinions about the issue, without really considering my feelings or point of view. Because of this, I feel exposed and hurt and want to withdraw from ever "opening up" again. If I am with a person who is somehow really able to "get" me or at least has many times in the past, then telling them my true feelings, no longer is hard to do.
 
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