Weird Dynamic between the one INFP I'm dating and her ENFJ sister.

2016 Views 7 Replies 7 Participants Last post by Xypher27, Jul 3, 2016

Xypher27

Discussion Starter · Jun 30, 2016

People involved: (No judging :laughing

Long Post Ahead
Me: Senior, ENTP
The Girl: Sophomore, INFP
The Sister: Freshman, ENFJ
My Friends: Mix of Seniors and Juniors

So I was dating this INFP girl starting last July and we were pretty much going good. There came to a point where we were going out for lunch and hanging out everyday. She'd introduce me to her friends, which is uncommon for her personality, and invited me once to have lunch with her friends. There was a time where we were holding hands briefly (she doesn't hold hands with other people).

Everything became stagnant and weird when she just suddenly became cold and distant one day in the first week of November. I don't know what happened, she just suddenly stopped being so enthusiastic and active in our conversations and messages and she just didn't want to hangout much since then.

Thinking that it isn't an issue and she just needed her time and space, I just let it be. I didn't want to be all up in her face after all. It never got better though.

I've tried asking her what happened or whether or not I did something wrong to make the relationship go that way, but she's pretty much only answered me with a: "Nothing is wrong, it's all in your mind" (verbatim).

It is, however, noteworthy that I am very close to her younger sister (who is an ENFJ). Me and her sister hangout a lot because we have a lot of close mutual friends. Since her sister was an ENFJ, I never found it hard to become close with her because of her warmth towards me, she would frequently invite me to whatever event she planned and to random hangouts in campus.

My friends tell me, however, that maybe the girl I was dating may have snapped because of my distinct closeness to her sister or maybe that her lack of enthusiasm in our relationship is a result of jealousy of the closeness of me and her sister. (Her sister overtook her in terms of closeness with me during the time she was distant with me (October onward))

But I can't seem to understand that since I was just trying to know her sister and her friends, for that matter, for her since I was planning to have a long term relationship with her. (I also can't grasp the concept of jealousy with her sister since if someone was dating me, I'd want that person to invest in getting to know my family and friends too) - But a lot of my friends seem to agree that maybe her sister is the reason for our distance.

We talked last December and she told me that she had commitment issues and that she couldn't give as much effort as people gave to her. She also said that I was the only guy that made the most efforts for her and that she really appreciated it, she then tells me she didn't feel the same way towards me afterwards (Which I don't believe as her body language was great when we were dating)

I've tried talking to her for 3 times, December (relatively okay conversation), January (it was great because afterwards we became close again for a brief period of time, then everything was distant again afterwards), April (disastrous talk, she basically told me I was selfish for expecting too much of her in terms of reciprocity and effort. Our relationship has tumbled since.)

Starting January to February, she's been pretty much hot and cold, mildly enthusiastic one day, cold as hell the other. Come March, she's been pretty much MIA given her academics is hard as hell and she's all stressed as she was, in her words, "failing". (Just last week, Her sister told me that her GPA for the semester was near perfect.)

We haven't really talked since our April "talk". Despite seeing each other in school or social events organized by mutual friends, we've never really talked about ANYTHING AT ALL, we just silently co-existed together in the same place, I don't even recall us saying hi to each other. (I want to say hi but it was awkward as she never looked at me, which would have required me to call her out just to say hi - ironic that we were super duper close just a few months ago) I messaged her several times since March and it's been pretty much cold replies, sometimes no replies at all.

Anyway, she's going to Japan for half a year in September and I wouldn't want to let her leave without us fixing this rift between us. I don't know how to fix it though given that all that she tells me is that "it's all in your mind".

Note:
A> I did talk to her in January regarding my closeness with her sister and asked her if she was comfortable about it, and she claimed that she didn't mind me being close to her sister. (Not that she'd say she minds if she did anyway) Despite my weird problem with her, it never really affected my relationship with her sister as her sister still invites me to hangout and do random things together. (She is very close to her sister but never really shares anything with the sister and family - It shows the Introverted Feeling side of the INFP)

B>She has never ever had a boyfriend before - due to her excruciatingly high expectations and ideals - which she admits.

C> I would have to admit that the sister has some charm on me. With her warmth and friendly attitude towards me, I can't help but fall for the sister's personality. (For the record, I never intended to date the sister. I just find her personality appealing)

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Quernus

· #2 · Jun 30, 2016

...I don't know what to tell you about the sister thing.

This girl sounds like a perfectionist, and like she is very stressed out, and not able to open up, and romantic relationships aren't her priority. Any potential jealousy issues at play here will stem from deeper issues she has, in general and there's nothing you can do about it. She will work on them when she's ready. As an INFP.... If I had an ENFJ sibling who was so close in age - especially younger - I bet I'd be jealous too, lol. especially during high school. But you have no way of knowing. It's not your problem.

I understand not wanting to let there be a rift, not let things go unsaid, but it seem like she isn't willing to say much more. It's her right. I'm sorry she's (from your side of the story) not mature enough to be more open. What I would do is write her a letter and give it to her on the last day before her trip. Not being pushy, or needy, or asking for anything. Just stating that you felt a certain way about her, were confused because blabla, didn't mean to pressure her, just hope she has a good trip and that you'll be there if she wants to talk or reconnect later. And let it go.

And as an INFP if someone did that for me, well, it would mean a lot. Words to hang onto, honesty about feelings, the chance to be sentimental in private, and the power to process it in my own time. Mostly, just knowing how people feel/felt is meaningful to me, even if just for closure.

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stupidinfp

· #3 · Jun 30, 2016

I mean, no one here can tell you what happened...

But yeah, spending a lot of time with someone's eligible sister is playing with fire, man. Sibling rivalry is a thing. Have you asked the sister about it?

If she's INFP and she suddenly closed off like that it's likely because she didn't feel she could trust you anymore or felt you betrayed her somehow. Something might have convinced her that you were really more into her sister or something... Or it could be on her end. She did something that she is ashamed of... INFPs hate conflict. Distancing is an introvert way of forcing someone else to do what we can't bring ourselves to because of the conflict. We have too many feelings so we god outwardly cold because there's no other way of expressing them except for just totally exploding in a giant, steaming pile of human limbs.

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Mr Miyagi

· #4 · Jun 30, 2016

Reasons could be many.... but something is bothering her, if she doesn't even speak to you......

However, I suspect that you are a bit too close to her sister and her friends. It almost sounds as if you are interested in her. You seem to like to hang out with her, perhaps even more than with your actual girlfriend?
Perhaps you even look flirty with eachother? In this case you are trampeling all over her feelings.... and involves her sister nonetheless.....

QUOTE:
C> I would have to admit that the sister has some charm on me. With her warmth and friendly attitude towards me, I can't help but fall for the sister's personality. (For the record, I never intended to date the sister. I just find her personality appealing)

END QUOTE

This appear very inconsiderate.........

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SquashedBanana

· #5 · Jul 1, 2016

Aw man, this post hits home. I'm an INFP and have a younger ENFJ sister.

I agree with the above posters. There may be a degree of sibling rivalry here that (unfortunately) you can't do much about. If you're naturally friendly and outgoing with others (including with your girlfriends' siblings), then I wouldn't change that aspect of your personality. However, it sounds like you were getting very close with the ENFJ girl - and while this isn't a terrible thing in of itself, it might be sending the INFP girl mixed signals (i.e., that you enjoy spending time with the ENFJ better than the INFP, etc).

For an INFP, watching your more outgoing sister and romantic interest hit it off would likely be a very hard thing. INFPs generally don't compete with others for attention. I don't have all the information, but my guess is that she distanced herself to protect herself from feeling inferior.

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Miss Thevious

· #6 · Jul 3, 2016

Agreed, the whole sibling thing can be very sensitive. I have a brother so this has never happened romantically, but when it comes to friendships, it never works out when we try to "share". Usually the friend ends up favoring one of us versus the other, and if it's not the person who was initially the friend, things get awkward.

My bro is ISTJ, and he's had a few INTP friends who end up getting along better with me. He doesn't like that. The friendship usually begins for them with a common technical interest, but then we end up Ne bonding and well, the rest is history. And then there's been quite a handful of times where him and someone else gang up on me for being weird or dorky or whatever. We have an ENTJ cousin who this happens with all the time.

So while in a perfect world this sibling stuff shouldn't matter, it usually does. I would be especially cautious considering they are so close in age. You might wanna consider toning it down with the ENFJ just so the INFP knows you like her.

I can't guarantee it's the issue here, but it's very possible.

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succubus

· #7 · Jul 3, 2016

If I have any shred of doubt in my mind- of a guy I'm possibly going to open up to or be with- I'd drop him the moment anything he does, says, etc. confirms my doubts.

For me, it's hard from changing my mind after that point because it validates what I fear and what I thought could, would, happen.

It could be a possibility that she thinks you have feelings for her sister:

1. She may not want to "work for it"- as in, try to get you to get all your attention onto her when you clearly don't mind hanging out with her sister and getting close. Thus, if you can act that way and get close to her sister- she may think you naturally do this will all people and that could be alarming to her and not worth her time and energy.

2. She notices that you get along with her sister more and that you two have more in common. This could push your INFP friend away because she might compare it to herself and feel really shitty inside. So, the solution? She removes herself out of the picture.

It could also be that your INFP friend has other issues going on that she just doesn't want to talk about. Perhaps, letting her come to you once she's sorted herself out might be the best option. I, personally, tend to pull away more from those that keep bugging me or asking me things I just don't want to talk about.

Anyways, hope things work out.

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Xypher27

Discussion Starter · #8 · Jul 3, 2016

Thanks everyone for the comments and suggestions!!

In the meantime, I will give it time since I think she also needs to clear up some of her workload before she can focus on this problem, likewise, I'll be writing her a letter before she leaves wishing her a good trip and telling her not to hesitate in contacting me in case she needs anything. A friend suggested letting her go through her trip abroad (which will relieve some of her stress and hopefully be able to, in a way, reduce negative energy that is directed towards the problems between us and maybe move towards a solution to fix the rift.

Hopefully I get to fix this as she is one of the most caring girls I have ever dated. I wouldn't want to let go of the relationship even if that means being just friends. Thanks

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