[chickydoda]

Me and my friend are really similar. We both call ourselves Christians, suffer from Bipolar disorder (although I suspect she has type one, and I have type two) and we are both ENFPs. She invited me to her 21st birthday which is two months away. As I was going through the invite list, I noticed all of these girls that had given me a hard time in highschool and had really hated me for reasons unknown.

I'm trying to figure it out, because surely they have the same compatibility to her as far as the personality type thing goes. After some thinking I came to the conclusion that maybe she has more balence in her life. I got bullied for three years, then became an outcast for several years after that. When I first got bullied, the perpertrator of it was her best friend. It happened before they met each other, in my final year of middle school when we then went to two different schools. The bullying got even worse at the new school so after two years I switched to a new school were the original bully went. Through random events I met the other ENFP and whenever I tried to start a conversation with her, she would stare at her shoes. Two years later we wound up in the same English class and church, and became friends before she dropped out of school due to reaccuring illness. During all of this time, I may have come across as an INFP because school made me so anxious and people gave me such a hard time there.

The girls who hate me were in my photography class. I think they were cynical thinker types. They took pride in their work, but had a real arrogance about them. They were constantly picking on me and asking me awkward questions. I'm pretty sure they didn't like me. By the end of highschool, there were no hard feelings towards the girl who originally bulllied me or from her, but it is possible she poisoned the other girls against me- which would explain why the ENFP would learn to like me once she got to know me outside of a group situation.

None of this really matters now, but the reason I ask is I'm feeling like a bit of a failure as an ENFP. I don't really have that many friends, or that much happiness in my life, while this other girl seems to have hundreds of friends, lots of projects going on and millions of adventures behind her. I guess if me and my friend both took the personality stage two test of meyer briggs the differences may became more evident and obvious as to why our lives have become so different and the reason why girls that hate me, adore her would be explained, but I don't know.

Does anyone have any answers for me?

 

[kibou]

Chickyoda I really sympathize with this post, it makes me very sad because I was bullied in late middle school and was a bad ENFP in high school. From being picked on for being strange and the death of a close one, I was very suppressed early in high school, and then very angry in the second half. It took me a long time to get in connection with my own strengths and preferences for people, because I didn't have a social circle from when I was younger like many people in the area had and was late to choosing to adapt to social environments. While most ENFPs seem to have to mature by developing an inner life, I could not escape from mine, and was fixated on painful memories that took me a long time to recover from (weak Si). I feel like as ENFPs we often want to transcend the school environment; all of the callousness and factionalization ultimately disconnects us from each other, and our Fi, while not willing to conform to the collective in the manner of Fe, is aware of the relationships, aware of the psychic tension from the social environments. It can be paralyzing.

Do you think the two of you might have suppressed different parts of yourself? It took me a long time to get to my Thinking function (I couldn't even verbalize well when I was younger), and I can imagine a lot of ENFPs suppressing well, their Fi in favor of fitting in. While INFPs are more successful at this I think this can cause a lot of conflict of identity with ENFPs.

I don't know much about you yet, but I will say that in general I've seen ENFPs hit a point where they suddenly "figure it out" with social situations and rapidly accumulate new friends. My suggestion is to be aware of how you interact with people, physically, mentally, verbally, by body, what are the topics you are talking about, what are the beliefs? Once you understand the mode of communication clearly in the people that you are talking to, you can improvise yourself in a manner to interact with them successfully. I know this can go against beliefs but even playing around with identities by pretending to be a different person then you are can yield some interesting results. I hope you don't get offended as a Christian but for example, I identify as queer or gay, but I have implied or just acted like I am heterosexual with many guys, then sneak it into them later to get past their defenses and open their minds. I believe ENFPs really have the potential to change people and influence thoughts over time, but it's done implicitly.

Even try stereotyping, in a sense, by detecting and looking out for people patterns; look for patterns in everything, the way people dress, the way people move, who's associating with whom, and start seeing the patterns in those people's beliefs, taboos, modes of interaction, etc. For example a lot of mainstream guys interact more physically with each other and are activity partners (think _S_P's). They will respect you more for not getting offended when discussing beliefs than by advocating a belief seriously. If you know that, to some extent you'll know how to interact so you can adapt to their way of being temporarily, even if in the long term it goes against your nature. From that you might have interactions with people you otherwise wouldn't and then learn more people patterns that make you more prepared for your next interaction.

 

[Blue Butterfly]

I would love to know the answer to this question too. I have always been bullied my entire life and I am 46 years old. It is something I have never been able to break out of and I am clueless as to why people hate me. I have a heart full of love but no one wants that love.

 

[kibou]

I would love to know the answer to this question too. I have always been bullied my entire life and I am 46 years old. It is something I have never been able to break out of and I am clueless as to why people hate me. I have a heart full of love but no one wants that love.

Blue Butterfly, what do you mean by people hating you? Is it an unfriendliness? A lack of acceptance for who you are, how you act? Or for your reputation (something like jobs or family)? What kind of area do you live in? I am all ears...

 

[Blue Butterfly]

Blue Butterfly, what do you mean by people hating you? Is it an unfriendliness? A lack of acceptance for who you are, how you act? Or for your reputation (something like jobs or family)? What kind of area do you live in? I am all ears...

I have lived in three states and have been hatted but people in all three. I currently live in South Dakota. I an an INFP and I work in an NT environment. Mistake I know but I love doing that kind of work.

I think I lot of my problems comes in because I refuse to conform to what others do. I do my own thing because I can see right throuh the stupid things others do. And because I do not follow them I am an outsider. And as we all know it is easier to be bullied when one is the outsider. But I will never confrom to society stupitity.

I have noticed that the cruel people are the ones that seem to be more accepted in this world than the loving people. I believe that people that arte full of hate see us that are full of love as easy targets. They can unload all thier hatred on us and know they will be safe. So we are the ones they target. While other people hate us because they want to have the love that we have. So they try to beat us down just so we will look as small they them. Pitiful I know but I have met a lot of peopel that do that kind of crazy thing.

The bottom line is some people are hated and others are loved. I have always been the hated one. But you know what? I don't think that makes me less than others. I have a heart that has more love in than most people I have met all put together. And that love I have makes me a worthwhile person. So if anyone hates me then let them hate. I choose to love not hate.

 

[Tridentus]

this is the one thing that irritates me about INFPs. you guys hate conformity so much that you always think it's the whole "herd of sheep" concept in action and view it as a sort of weakness. often it's just how a group gels together, people in the group find common ground- and it doesn't necessarily mean they are acting in a fake way. calling something "stupid" isn't fair when you haven't taken personal differences in interests into account.

why don't you just change jobs? i think as an ENFP, if i were unhappy somewhere i would simply change my environment to somewhere/thing which did make me happy.

 

[Essay]

Well, I suffer from BP type II too, and when it was untreated I used to test as an INFP myself, so I know where you're coming from. Except that I don't, because I'm not Christian, and I don't live around people who would ever expect me to be Christian. For me, my "INFP-phase" was more like a "figuring-out-which-combination-of values-would-be-best-suited-to-compliment-my-core-value-of-people-love". This boils down to Fi, which, from my experience, is connected to my self-confidence.

When I was in high school, I didn't have to think about Fi much. I could just jump from group to group and clique to clique by being a nice guy, and knowing a bit about everything. It was a large public school, with people from all cultures and socio-economic backgrounds, and I managed to avoid conflict with anyone. This gave me confidence (which I guess is where enneagram 9s get confidence), which made it easier to make new friends. But at the start of university, I was hit was hit by severe, internally-generated paranoia and depression, and my confidence dropped, along with my social life. I felt the need to justify why I was so conflict-adverse (my 9-ness). I saw other people prospering from generating conflict, and needed a solid reason why I couldn't do the same, besides saying to myself, "that's wrong".

When I transfered to studying Liberal Arts, I found no shortage of material that supported my views. I looked across philosophies, religions, cultures, art and literature, and I found endless support for this value of mine. I experimented with these principles on friends, girlfriends, strangers, and came to favourable results. (I also worked with a lot of psychiatrists and psychologists to combat the BP.) I got the ammunition I was looking for, and got back the confidence I had in high school and became social again.

Of course, confidence isn't the only piece of the friend-making puzzle. It's just the one that I know works for me.