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my father was beating my mom for 10 years before they got divorced. i don't remember her ever doing anything wrong. i always wanted to ask him or others who do such things WHY? what is happening in their thoughts when they decide to do that? i can't ask my father because he left then and i never saw him again. it's been 20 years. oh,yeah, he was an alcoholic also.

my first boyfriend raised his tone every day at me. often also yelled. one after him was not doing that, he thought i was sweet. so it can't be me that i'm making them rage.

i just wanna know what is in their minds.

thanks
 

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my father was beating my mom for 10 years before they got divorced. i don't remember her ever doing anything wrong. i always wanted to ask him or others who do such things WHY? what is happening in their thoughts when they decide to do that? i can't ask my father because he left then and i never saw him again. it's been 20 years. oh,yeah, he was an alcoholic also.

my first boyfriend raised his tone every day at me. often also yelled. one after him was not doing that, he thought i was sweet. so it can't be me that i'm making them rage.

i just wanna know what is in their minds.

thanks
Abusers are drawn to people with low self-esteem and people who are unable to stand up for themselves. If you're an assertive and confident person who frequently stands up for yourself, you will never be able to attract abusers, because you will have enough self-respect to know that you will never put up with abusive behaviors from anyone.
 
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EvilShoutyRudolph
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The only thing I abuse is chicken fingers, with my mouth.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom... Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum...

They are just too delicious.
 
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Its all about power and control.

You have to imagine that the man/woman in question has little or no self esteem, no confidence in their own ability. They are weak and feeble, they are bullies, they hit you because you are smaller Yet they can be so charming, that's why you forgive them all the time.

So this is what happens. It starts out with small controlling things supported with words of love, then over a period of months or years escalates into something much worse.

Initially the small things are usually perceived by the victim as “Oh he's only jealous! That means he must love me” Wrong!! then this “he must love me jealousy” takes on a more sinister role. This is not how people treat someone they love.

An example would be my wife, she loves men’s company and when we go out she loves to stand around with the guys with a pint of beer chatting and flirting because she is beautiful and confident. When I see her like that I feel proud that I love a woman like her. I don't want to control her because I love her as she is, I don't do jealousy because I love her. Jealousy is destructive and damaging to relationships, people in love do not do jealousy because they have trust.

Some partners fall into the trap and create those little jealous feelings so that they feel love from their partner, fools!

Phone checking. Questioning where you have been and who you have spoken to, in particular the other sex. Deciding what clothes you wear, how much money you have. Those lovely warming words that they used when you first met now become words of psychological torment, abuse and put downs, your food it shit, the clothes you wear look shit, you smell, you look like tramp. Your hair looks shit. This has just scratched the surface of the things they do to dismantle your sense of self, in other words “dismantle who you are”

You are constantly told you look like crap but you are always asked jealous questions: How can I look so crap and have people fancy me?” “I suppose you've done your hair for that bloke at work” “what you wearing that dress for” “Its for him isn't it”

Then after either months or years of this behaviour you finally give up on life, you become a hollow worthless zombie, and become what the other person wants you to be. You become like shit. You don't shave, do your hair or put make up on any more.
 

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Abusers are drawn to people with low self-esteem and people who are unable to stand up for themselves. If you're an assertive and confident person who frequently stands up for yourself, you will never be able to attract abusers, because you will have enough self-respect to know that you will never put up with abusive behaviors from anyone.
Not so. Assertive and confident people are susceptible to being abused just as well, although the erosion of confidence and acceptance of previously unreasonable behavior could take more time to manifest.

OP, you're not the one making them rage. You're just a physical vessel they can change their anger onto. In general, they have an internal negative loop going on that includes an insecurity they've chosen to 'battle' by being abusive.

If you think it's safe to do, would you consider asking your father or ex-boyfriend what was going through their heads? I've found that while documentaries and such are helpful, sometimes it's better to try to understand the person that's directly affected you.
 
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My father was abusive towards my whole family. He, also, was an alcoholic, but his abuse was not caused by it. He’s was a combination of some of the reasons below.


https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2017/03/13-reasons-why-people-abuse/

1. They have a disorder. A small number of the population is anti-social personality disorder (sociopath or psychopath) and sadistic. These disorders gain pleasure from seeing others in pain and even more pleasure when they are the ones inflicting the agony. For them, abuse is a means to an end. They abuse others to gain personal pleasure.

2. They were abused. Some abusers act out their dysfunctional behavior on others because it was done to them. In a subconscious effort to resolve their own abuse, they do the same to another person. This type of abusive behavior is identical, meaning it matches almost exactly to their childhood experience.

3. They were abused, part two. Just like in the previous explanation, they abuse because it was done to them. However, in this case the victim is the opposite. For instance, a boy who is sexually abused by a man might grow up to sexually abuse girls as evidence that they are not homosexual. The reverse can be true as well.

4. They watched something. With the advances in technology comes additional exposure at a young age to glorified abuse. Some movies, songs, TV shows, and videos minimize abuse by making fun of it or making it seem normal. A typical example is verbally attacking on another person by name calling or belittling.

5. They have anger issues. Uncontrolled and unmanaged rage frequently produces abusive behavior. The source of this anger varies but it is usually tied to a traumatic event. Unresolved trauma sparks anger when triggered by a person, circumstance or place. Because this anger comes out of nowhere, it that much harder to control and manifests abusively.

6. They grew up with an addict. An addict blames others for the reason they engage in their destructive behavior. While the victims are often forced to remain silent andacceptant of their behavior. The end result is a lot of pent up anger and abusive behavior. As an adult, the victim subconsciously seeks out others to blame for their actions.

7. They have control issues. Some people like to be in charge. In an effort to gain or remain in control of others, they utilize inefficient means of dominance such as bullying or intimidation. While forced control can be quickly executed, it does not have lasting qualities. True leadership is void of abusive techniques.

8. They don’t understand boundaries. Abusive people tend to lack the understanding of where they end and another person begins. They see their spouse/child/friend as an extension of themselves and therefore that person is not entitled to have any boundaries. The lack of distance means a person is subject to whatever the abuser decides.

9. They are afraid. People who do and say things out of fear tend to use their emotions as justification for why another person needs to do what is demanded. It is as if the fear is so important or powerful that nothing else matters except what is needed to subdue it.

10. They lack empathy. It is far easier to abuse others when there is no empathy for how the victim might feel. Some types of head trauma, personality disorders, and environmental traumas can cause a person to lack the ability to express empathy.

11.They have a personality disorder. Just because a person has a personality disorder does not mean that they will be abusive. However, the lack of an accurate perception of reality greatly contributes to abusive behavior. If a person is unable to see their behavior as abusive, then they will keep doing it.

12. They are exhausted. When a person reaches the end of rope, it is not uncommon for them to lash out at whoever is conveniently close. Think of it as a mental breakdown where all the things stuffed inside come pouring out usually in a destructive rather than constructive manner.

13. They are defensive. Defense mechanisms such as denial, projection, regression, and suppression are utilized when a person is backed into a corner. Instead of taking space, they come out swinging and retaliate in an abusive manner.
 

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The one I knew, um, my guess is that he had low tolerance of annoying people + low empathy. Like, I could tell because well, I'm not gonna say it was my fault that he was like that, but he respected most people, just not me, and outcasts with low self-esteem in general. I just had low self-esteem which made me annoying, but he had low empathy, like, when somebody was grating on his nerves, he could forget that somebody was still a person who was just like that because of going through issues. And I know the difference between the "mommy issues/daddy issues" bully and him because I have known lots of similarly cruel people and the previous kind of bully is super easy to see through.
 

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The one I knew, um, my guess is that he had low tolerance of annoying people + low empathy. Like, I could tell because well, I'm not gonna say it was my fault that he was like that, but he respected most people, just not me, and outcasts with low self-esteem in general. I just had low self-esteem which made me annoying, but he had low empathy, like, when somebody was grating on his nerves, he could forget that somebody was still a person who was just like that because of going through issues. And I know the difference between the "mommy issues/daddy issues" bully and him because I have known lots of similarly cruel people and the previous kind of bully is super easy to see through.
Like, admittedly, it is a harsh truth in this world that some people genuinely find you annoying, they just have bad self-control at holding themselves back from not acting on their annoyance. (You see, I was in a situation where it is hard not to victim-blame myself even though I know I shouldn't. Yes, it's true that I was annoying, but I was only like that because I was mentally scarred.) Like, these people make me wanna recite the intro of Never Ever.
 

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EvilShoutyRudolph
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https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...1510/five-reasons-people-abuse-their-partners

Five reasons many people behave abusively:

1. Difficulty tolerating injury. Knowing how to have your feelings hurt without retaliating is an important relationship skill.

Joe was the only son of older parents and they wanted everything for him. For his part, Joe was mostly an easy child, well-liked and a good student. He could, however, throw epic tantrums, becoming stormy and implacable and, as he got older, disappointments leveled him. A test score that was lower than expected, not getting picked for a team, slights on the playground, these things could leave him devastated. His parents wanted to protect him- they intervened with teachers, soothed and placated him, all the while encouraging, cajoling and praising him, because he was mostly a good kid and things were mostly going well. When Joe made the high school basketball team but found himself with a tough coach, Joe quit. Joe never learned what to do with feelings like disappointment, hurt, and shame. He learned to expect that he should be protected from discomfort because he was such a nice guy.

Joe is not in this alone. Many men never develop this skill. Most boys learn early that if someone hurts or embarrasses them, you have to hurt them back. If you get hurt, don’t show it. Don’t cry. Don’t look scared or sad or anxious. Being able to tolerate injuries without punishing the other person is one of the most important skills for partnership because inevitably, your partner will hurt your feelings or disappoint you. Most of our clients don’t have a problem with anger management. Most of the people we work with have a problem tolerating being hurt.


2. Entitlement. If I think that I have a right to not be hurt or embarrassed, than I’m likely to punish you when my entitlement has been violated.

Joe walks around thinking that he’s a nice guy — everyone says so — but then he goes home to his wife and she says that he’s hurtful and Joe knows that she’s right, but it hurts when she says so and he’s been taught that he’s entitled to have his feelings protected.

3. Lack of empathy. We talk about "putting ourselves in other people’s shoes" all the time. Abusive people do put themselves in their partner’s shoes, but they don’t necessarily do it with generosity. They imagine that the other person wants to cause harm. The kind of empathy that helps us to be decent, requires generosity and a willingness to give the benefit of the doubt.

Susan is scared of Joe’s rage and he interprets her fearfulness as coldness and because of that, he continues to punish her. If Joe wants to change things with Susan, he’s going to have to more generously interpret Susan's actions.

4. Lack of accountability

Abuse happens in the context of a world that says that it’s okay to hurt others when we are hurt. Abusive partners behave abusively, to some extent, because they can.

5. Unaddressed trauma

Many abusive partners have histories of complex childhood trauma, living in homes where they witnessed or were themselves abused and a history of unresolved trauma can result in high reactivity to injury. For people who grow up in high conflict families, abusive behavior can seem normative. While this isn’t the case for Joe, it’s important to know that many of the people we work with struggle with the aftermath of traumatic histories.

Now that we know some of what is behind Joe’s abusive behavior, stay tuned to learn how he and other abusive partners can change
Sad Legacy Of Abuse - The Search For Remedies - NYTimes.com
Sad Legacy Of Abuse: The Search For Remedies
By DANIEL GOLEMAN
Published: January 24, 1989

CHILDREN and adults who were victims of child abuse are coming under intensified study by researchers who hope to learn what distinguishes those who go on to become abusers themselves from those who grow up to be good parents.

In the hope of finding ways to break the tragic cycle, the new research is identifying particular experiences in childhood and later in life that allow a great many abused children to overcome their sad legacy.

Studies also now indicate that about one-third of people who are abused in childhood will become abusers themselves. This is a lower percentage than many experts had expected, but obviously poses a major social challenge. The research also confirms that abuse in childhood increases the likelihood in adulthood of problems ranging from depression and alcoholism to sexual maladjustment and multiple personality.

The studies are also uncovering specific factors that help many victims grow into a well-adjusted adulthood, and factors that push others toward perpetuating the pattern of violence. The findings should help therapists improve treatment of abused children or formerly abused adults, helping them recover from their trauma.

''Studies showing that a high proportion of troubled adults were abused in childhood tell only part of the story,'' said Dr. Richard Krugman, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Colorado Medical School and director of the C. Henry Kempe Center for Prevention and Treatment of Child Abuse and Neglect. ''There are substantial numbers of men and women who were abused as children, but who are not themselves child abusers, drug abusers, criminals or mentally disturbed.''

Key factors found to worsen the long-term impact of abuse are: abuse that started early, abuse that lasted for a long time, abuse in which the perpetrator had a close relationship to the victim, abuse that the child perceived as particularly harmful, and abuse that occurred within a cold emotional atmosphere in the family. These factors, researchers say, help identify which children need treatment most urgently.

Victims of abuse frequently respond to the trauma by denying that any abuse occurred or by blaming themselves for the abuse, which they often view as justified discipline from adults, the studies show. But many victims can overcome the trauma with the emotional support of a friend or relative or through therapy that makes them aware that they were not to blame for abuse inflicted by their parents. Victims of abuse can almost always benefit from therapy to deal with the psychological effects of being so terribly treated, such as a damaged sense of self-worth and conflicts between wanting to love their parents while recognizing the abuse that happened.

''Child abuse'' refers to a range of maltreatment. In addition to physical harm and sexual abuse, researchers also include serious neglect of a child's emotional and physical needs and forms of emotional abuse such as incessant berating of a child. They are finding that the longlasting effects of all these kinds of abuse share much in common.

In any given year, from 1 percent to 1.5 percent of American children are subject to abuse of some kind, according to Dr. Krugman. By the time they reach adulthood, about one in four men and women will have experienced at least one episode of abuse at some point during childhood. The Abused As Adults Numerous studies have found those who were victims of child abuse to be more troubled as adults than those who were not. There are disproportionate numbers of victims of abuse among prostitutes, violent criminals, alcoholics and drug abusers, and patients in psychiatric hospitals.

The more severe the abuse, the more extreme the later psychiatric symptoms. For instance, a study by Judith Herman, a psychiatrist in Somerville, Mass., found that among women who had been victims of incest, although half seemed to have recovered well by adulthood, those who suffered forceful, prolonged, intrusive abuse, or who were abused by fathers or step-fathers, had the most serious problems later in life.

Virtually all those who suffer from multiple personality, a rare but severe psychiatric disorder, have a history of being severely abused; the disorder is thought to stem from ways some children try to mentally isolate themselves against the horror of unremitting abuse.

A 1985 study of all 15 adolescents in the United States who were condemned murderers found that 13 had been victims of extreme physical or sexual abuse. In nine cases the abuse was so severe - characterized as ''murderous'' by the researchers -that it led to neurological damage. Similarly, a study of nine women imprisoned for fatal child abuse found that all of them had experienced severe maltreatment themselves.

While all these studies depict an alarming pattern, researchers point out that the statistics do not reflect the large numbers of abused children who do not suffer from these problems.

That abused children need not go on to abuse their own children was shown in a study of more than 1,000 pregnant women, 95 of whom had been abused as children. The report, by William Altemeier, a pediatrician at Vanderbilt University Medical School, and his colleagues, was published in 1986 in the journal Child Abuse and Neglect. Strongest Predictive Factor

The study found that the strongest predicter from childhood of becoming an abusive parent was not having been abused, but rather having felt as a child that one was unloved and unwanted by one's parents - an attitude common, of course, among abused children, but also found in families in which there is no overt abuse.

However, studies in which there have been more careful observations of mothers and their children have found a stronger link between having been abused in childhood and being an abusive parent. In a survey of such studies, Joan Kaufman and Edward Zigler, psychologists at Yale, concluded that 30 percent is the best estimate of the rate at which abuse of one generation is repeated in the next. Responses To Abuse Denial that one has been abused is emerging as a source of trouble later in life. Researchers find that many adults who were abused as children do not think of themselves as having been victimized. For instance, three-quarters of men in one study who described punishments that, by objective standards, constitute abuse -such as being burned for an infraction of a minor household rule - denied that they had been abused.

That phenomenon is common among those who go on to become child abusers, according to Dr. Krugman, and is part of the cycle by which abused children become abusive parents.

''When you ask them if they were ever abused, they tell you, 'No,' '' Dr. Krugman said. ''But if you ask them to describe what would happen if they broke a rule, they'll say something like, 'I was locked in a closet for a day, then beaten with a belt until I was black and blue.' Then you ask them, was that abuse? and their answer is, 'No, I was a bad kid and my parents had to beat me to make me turn out okay.' ''

While there has been much attention by psychotherapists in recent years on women who were sexually abused in childhood, a more recent focus is on men who suffered sexual abuse. Such men are much more reticent than women about admitting what happened to them and dealing with the trauma, according to Mike Lew, co-director of The Next Step Counseling Centre in Newton, Mass., and author of ''Victims No Longer,'' (Nevraumont) about the problem. Treating Abuse Children fare better after abuse, researchers have found, when they have someone in their life - a relative, teacher, minister, friend - who is emotionally nurturing.

In helping a child recover from abuse, ''you need to counteract the child's expectations that adults will be deeply uncaring,'' explained Martha Erickson, a psychologist at the University of Minnesota.

Among adult victims of childhood abuse who are in therapy, a common refrain from patients is that ''it just wasn't that bad,'' said Terry Hunt, a psychologist in Cambridge, Mass., who specializes in their problem. ''The key to their treatment is facing the fact that their parents were so cruel to them; they've bought the parent's word that they were bad and deserved it. The damage shows up in their intimate relationships: they're waiting to get hit or used again.'' The Question of Insight

One of the crucial differences between those abused children who go on to become abusers and those who do not, he said, is whether they have the insight that their parents were wrong to abuse them.

Often, Dr. Hunt finds, the most troubled among his patients are those who were told as children, by adults other than their abusing parent, that the abuse was justified.

''If an abused child thinks, 'that was wrong, they shouldn't have done that to me - I'm not that bad,' then he can still love his parents, but decide not to repeat the abuse when he becomes a parent,'' said Dr. Krugman. ''The child somehow gets the message that what happened is not his fault, that he is not to blame.''

When parents are not the abusers, how they react to its discovery is crucial. In a study of children who had been involved in sex rings, those who had fewest lasting problems in later years were the children whose parents had been understanding of the child, according to Ann Burgess, a professor of nursing at the University of Pennsylvania medical school.

''These kids recovered with no symptoms, while those whose parents blamed them had the worst outcome,'' Dr. Burgess said. Minnesota Study The factors that lead some children to become abusers while others become excellent parents is being revealed in research at the University of Minnesota. Psychologists there are currently studying a group of children born to parents with a high probability of becoming abusers. Not all those in the study were abused as children; they were selected instead because they were poor, single, got pregnant at an early age, and had chaotic households - all factors that correlate highly with child abuse.

In addition to physical and sexual abuse - the two varieties most often studied - the researchers are also studying children whose physical care is neglected, those whose parents constantly berate and criticize them and those whose parents are completely unresponsive to their emotional needs. Followed From Birth

The study, one of the few that has followed children from birth, is finding that there are different emotional effects from each of the different kinds of abuse, and that these effects change from age to age. For instance, children whose mothers were emotionally cold during infancy had emotional and learning problems at the age of six that were as severe as -and sometimes more severe - than those found in children whose mothers had been physically abusive but emotionally responsive during their infancy.

When the same children were studied between the ages of four and six, the most serious problems were found in those whose mothers neglected their physical care.

The study is also finding general effects that come from maltreatment of any kind.

''The earlier the maltreatment occurs, the more severe the consequences,'' said Martha F. Erickson, a psychologist at the University of Minnesota, who is one of those conducting the study. Dr. Erickson, with Byron Egeland and Robert Pianta, two colleagues, will publish early findings from the study in a chapter to appear in ''Child Maltreatment,'' a book to be published by Cambridge University Press in May.

Many of the lifelong psychological effects of abuse stem from a lack of nurturance, they conclude, a lack that lies behind all the kinds of maltreatment.

The Minnesota researchers report that among those abused children who go on to become abusing parents, there is little repetition of a specific type of abuse.

For instance, of 13 women who had been sexually abused, six were physically abusing their children; of 47 who had been physically abused, 8 were physical abusers by the time their children reached six years, while 8 neglected their children, and 6 had homes where children were being sexually abused, often by a boyfriend of the mother.
https://www.emedicinehealth.com/domestic_violence/page3_em.htm
Although the abusers also share some common characteristics, it is important to note that abusers choose violence to get what they want in a relationship. Risk factors may point to an increased likelihood of violence in a relationship, but the person is not destined to become violent because of the presence of certain risk factors. The violence is not justifiable because it happened while the abuser was in a blind rage that he or she was powerless to control. The following factors may indicate an increased likelihood that a person may choose violence:

Abuser risk factors:
Abuses alcohol or drugs
Witnessed abuse as a child
Was a victim of abuse as a child
Abused former partners
Unemployed or underemployed
Abuses pets
 
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