[curious0610]

We've all been broken sometime in our lives. There's many reasons. It could range from a single event or a series of rough moments in our lives. For me, I've been going through some rough patches, and in the "healing process," I started to use this as an opportunity to understand myself better, hence my presence on this forum. I think I used to spend so much time trying to understand other people, that I neglected trying to understand myself. That said, if you've gone through a difficult time, how were you able to overcome it?

Specifically, I would appreciate any insight on how an INFJ deals with distrust. As a result of a series of toxic, manipulative friendships (with people that did not deserve my friendship), I am quite wary and distrustful of people's intentions. Most of these times, I had bad vibes from these people and my intuition told me to run (fast.); however, I gave them the benefit-of-doubt because I strangely understood why these people were like this and wanted to believe that they were still good people. After ripping myself from these toxic friendships (with the help of relatives and family friends), I initially went through a phase where I had heavily distrusted myself because I had made so many wrong choices in being too trusting. Believe me when I say that this was not a pretty picture. Thankfully, I've overcome that phase, but now I am living in torment because I can't trust others, though I now trust my intuition when I get certain vibes/feelings about someone.

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough."
If any others have gone through this, i would really appreciate advice and insight. This thread is open to other difficulties INFJs had overcome; I just included my own personal difficulty to get the thread started. Ultimately I know that I need to change within and understand and find myself, however, it always helps to have people to relate to. Thanks guys.

 

[Redscout]

For sure I have been through hell and back. Far worse than most. The way I cope is to keep people out I don't trust. I have dealt with meth heads and heroine addicts and I say fuck them, they deserve death because that is what they want. Music and my closest partners are how I cope, in a world I have created through my own imagining. That and doing makeup professionally...it makes me happy when I can make people feel beautiful and confident while also being creative.

A year ago, I sank into the deepest depression possible due to mistrust and lies. I was consumed...paranoid...until I found I could no longer retreat if I wanted to...live. I love my life now, and working as an aesthetician and beautician with someone to come home to (so to speak) with the same MUSIC TASTE THANK GOD, has been my life saver.

 

[TheCountess]

I went through a similar situation curious, and it's taking me a very long time to get better. To be honest, it's only been in this past month that I've really started to shine after a few years of misery.

What has truly helped me is loving myself and becoming a good friend to myself. I feel more secure knowing that my world will not crumble down around me because at the end of the day I still have me. I'm very, very slowly making new friends and I've found that I'm taking things very slow emotionally. I have a bad habit of emotionally investing myself in people very fast. I've also lowered my expectations in a way. I don't go into a friendship expecting a lot out of people now. I'll take things slowly, one experience at a time, and hopefully I'll build an awesome friendship relationship with them!

 

[Redscout]

I went through a similar situation curious, and it's taking me a very long time to get better. To be honest, it's only been in this past month that I've really started to shine after a few years of misery.

What has truly helped me is loving myself and becoming a good friend to myself. I feel more secure knowing that my world will not crumble down around me because at the end of the day I still have me. I'm very, very slowly making new friends and I've found that I'm taking things very slow emotionally. I have a bad habit of emotionally investing myself in people very fast. I've also lowered my expectations in a way. I don't go into a friendship expecting a lot out of people now. I'll take things slowly, one experience at a time, and hopefully I'll build an awesome friendship relationship with them!

Word. Its really easy for me to have so many high expectations and invest myself in someone. Sometimes love...isn't real and it hurts....

 

[Slider]

Well, it takes time...a lot of time. Sooner or later, you're going to encounter someone who betrays your trust and hurts you.

You learn from that experience and try to remember not to make the same mistake.

But life is full of moments and brief encounters that require you to make a decision. Mistakes will be made and feelings will be hurt. This is a part of life. It can't be avoided.

Try to make the right choices, try to avoid people who are more likely to cause you emotional distress, and try to live without hiding your heart from the world.

Just live and enjoy life and feel fortunate that you're able to experience these things. Soon it will be all over.

 

[soul searcher]

Well, I don't know how much of a help I can be, I'm still quite broken. But I do think I've gained some wisdom from my pain.

One thing I've learned is not to throw pearls before swine, so to speak. Use your intuition to tell you whether someone is deserving of your care or not. And stand up for yourself, that's one I have to continually work on. Be your own protector, because nobody's going to do it for you. There is nothing more liberating and exhilarating than standing on your own two feet and doing whatever it takes to make your life better.

Also, learn the gentle art of forgiveness. This does not mean condoning wrong, or accepting ill treatment. It's simply doing yourself the favor of letting go of bitterness and anger, because with these things you only punish yourself.

It helps me to use my intuition and insight into people to try to understand their motivations. Things don't seem so hurtful if you realize the reason for the actions, and that many people are simply ignorant, not malicious.

Some form of spirituality can be very helpful to some, especially us INFJ"S.

 

[Slider]

Well, I don't know how much of a help I can be, I'm still quite broken. But I do think I've gained some wisdom from my pain.

One thing I've learned is not to throw pearls before swine, so to speak. Use your intuition to tell you whether someone is deserving of your care or not. And stand up for yourself, that's one I have to continually work on. Be your own protector, because nobody's going to do it for you. There is nothing more liberating and exhilarating than standing on your own two feet and doing whatever it takes to make your life better.

Also, learn the gentle art of forgiveness. This does not mean condoning wrong, or accepting ill treatment. It's simply doing yourself the favor of letting go of bitterness and anger, because with these things you only punish yourself.

It helps me to use my intuition and insight into people to try to understand their motivations. Things don't seem so hurtful if you realize the reason for the actions, and that many people are simply ignorant, not malicious.

Some form of spirituality can be very helpful to some, especially us INFJ"S.

Why are you broken?

 

[dejavu]

I think, in some ways, I am still broken. I consider myself to be a strong person and I became that way after going through past hurts...but I haven't fully recovered from the things that have happened to me. When I talk to somebody about certain things, I become shivery and start to cry. Definite indication that the healing process has not been totally successful.

Over time, I have become more distrustful of people. I do have a tendency to become too emotionally involved, too quickly, but I'm aware of it and try to hold off from doing that with people until I feel a little more sure of them. It takes a very long time before I share most of myself with other people. I haven't had a friend that I could have a truly deep connection with since before I started to get hurt. Mainly, because they all keep betraying me when I put my trust in them. I've learned to almost expect that from people. My deep and meaningful connections are only with family and the guys I date these days. It's sad, and I'm trying to change it.

 

[Phoebe]

I have to say I am broken too. I've been caught in the trying to give the benefit of the doubt scenario over and over again, to be always let down. People are what they are. My intuition tells me one thing, and I don't want to believe it, so I look for reasons why it's wrong. I let people get away with bad behavior because I think deep down they must be decent, they must not be as bad as they seem, I just have to give them a chance. Sometimes they will do something decent and I think, see, they aren't so bad...but that doesn't last long. My intuition has always been right on these matters and I would have saved myself a lot of torment if I had just gone with it.
However, the problem is that I don't want to go through life thinking people are crap. I want to think everyone is good. Don't get me wrong though...I know a good person when I see one and am completely open to that. I don't think everyone is awful. I've met some really good people lately which has sort of restored my faith in humanity so to speak. However, for a long time, I just couldn't accept that some people in my life were really as self centered and thoughtless as I knew they were. It took me a long time to accept it. Now I just don't want to be bitter towards everyone because of it.

 

[Pacifique]

i witnessed the cheating of someone i loved and was attracted to like infinite amount
and became absolutely :-0 blerg gut wrenched blerg

so i tried out the following stuff-
2 bottles of vodka
and crawling towards the kitchen to drink tap water to dillude the alcohol percentage in the body
and then pissing on the flatemate's mattress and tossing it over and pretending it never happened
secret stalking on the web page
completely blocking the contact and vanishing
and really mulling over the whole thing hating and cursing
looking for another person that can be the antidote to this attraction
following strangers who have the elements that can unlock this attraction that made me hurt in the first place and looking at them.. but this is very very extremely difficult or impossible sometimes i felt
really trying best to forget everything and then in the middle of night everything pops back up in the head in like 0.0002 second and screaming the hell out of it..
focusing entirely on work after a certain period of time
cursing on facebook
going on sci-fi magazine looking for a cutting edge technology that can help me erase stuff in my brain
going on half spiritual / half balony self-help website to find answers to this but it makes me even more unsatisfied, restless
answering numerous questions about everything
and then hanging myself and looking for cyanide and failing that too
calling to someone at samaritans
meeting no people for like a few months
and then meeting new friends
working hard

and doing so, significant amount of time passes and then i fall for the same trap / pattern again and then my attraction mechanism becomes more and more solidified because i've learned a lot about aestheitcs and relationships and so on.. it is accumulative in certain contexts.. so attraction becomes more and more difficult to unlock :-0 dang!

i wish there was a pill that can make me forget things that make me absolutely restless
or i wish there was a pill that can replace an unreciprocated attraction / side-effect to being cheated and being heart-broken and so on :-0 if science develops this can be possible and i believe it

whatever it is i think it is important that i prioritise working on completing myself, standing on my own both emotionally, financially and physically.. that is hard enough and to maintain.. what are required to overcome certain vulnerabilities that I feel on my own.. so eventually, hopefully i will find peace with myself and figure out the ways, routine to become less restless but peaceful and entertained and secure with myself first and Then i think great relationship could be something like bonus.. icing on the cake.. but bottom line.. i am capable of feeling romance even when i am alone as long as the other areas of my life are under control :-0 wishful thinking?

 

[Queen of Haiku]

Thank you Countess and Soul Searcher...your words have been encouraging!!

Life has been a rough road for me, as well...from sexual abuse by a family member as a child, to an abusive eighteen marriage (thankfully over!) and many bumps between. I know that I'm still broken, and that it is hard for me to be completely open and trusting with people, even those I love. But everyday I heal a little more, and I feel so much stronger than I was. Love and kindness and spirituality has been helping me to heal.

"Receiving kindness is the only comfort for suffering. Giving kindness is the only method of forgetting suffering. The creed is of no concern, and the act may be so simple as to seem insignificant..."

When I give to others, I am healing myself!!!

 

[eyerin]

Also, learn the gentle art of forgiveness. This does not mean condoning wrong, or accepting ill treatment. It's simply doing yourself the favor of letting go of bitterness and anger, because with these things you only punish yourself.

It helps me to use my intuition and insight into people to try to understand their motivations. Things don't seem so hurtful if you realize the reason for the actions, and that many people are simply ignorant, not malicious.

Some form of spirituality can be very helpful to some, especially us INFJ"S.

Life has been hard.... mental bullying, a lot of movings, parents devorceoing etc.All of that time I was in "the mist" as I call it.I could say, that I was truly broken ower these years.
Now, finally I have started to feel better, about myself and about everything.I started saying to myself not to be such an easily hurt person and not to be in the mist anymore.At that point I didnt want to be the me i was, I didnt want to think, nor did i want to feel thoese sad and angry emotsions ever again.Then somehow I became really optimistic after letting go of all that had made my life hard, accepted them and moved on.I started getting more self-confidence and did the things I quoted above, it has really helped me^^
Now I have found new friends at last where I now live.Of course all of my childhood friends have been a great support over those hard years, and Im truly greateful to them all

 

[BodhiTree]

.......

I initially went through a phase where I had heavily distrusted myself because I had made so many wrong choices in being too trusting. Believe me when I say that this was not a pretty picture. Thankfully, I've overcome that phase, but now I am living in torment because I can't trust others, though I now trust my intuition when I get certain vibes/feelings about someone.

It seems that your mind has already created a pattern of distrust to others. I think if you keep thinking "I can't trust others", well as the result you'll invite those who can't be trusted! Believe me there are still a lot of good fellas out there who's worth your trust. I think my advice to you is to be selective, take some time before letting someone in either friendship or relationship. Trusting intuition always works for me although not all the time, but that should be a good start.

If you had made so many wrong choices, so be it. It's in the past anyway, it doesn't determine your future. It's the present moment that counts. So... you could start with trusting my saying for instance

PS: One thing that always works for me in gloomy time: Spirituality

 

[quigglehope13]

Right now I think I am going through one of the most difficult times in my life. everything bad seems to be happining and just a lot of stress between summer assighnments, senior project and looking for a college. It is just a very stressfull time right now and because I have seculed myself from everyone I have no one to lean on. But I know it will all get better eventually and that is what I keep telling myself.

 

[soul searcher]

Why are you broken?

Same as a lot of others here. Neglect, abuse, tragedy, illness. All those nasty things common to human beings.

I consider myself to be a strong person and I became that way after going through past hurts...but I haven't fully recovered from the things that have happened to me. When I talk to somebody about certain things, I become shivery and start to cry. Definite indication that the healing process has not been totally successful.

Me too. I usually feel pretty normal, but certain subjects just devastate my nervous system. Don't know if that will ever change really. But I'm trying.

 

[Runescribe]

I've noticed a lot of INFJs have abuse in their background. This affects one's ability to form stable bonds with others in the future. It is a difficult challenge to deal with. At various times in my life I've experienced a lot of emotional anxiety, sometimes trouble functioning. It seemed to hit me pretty rough right around age 30. Then I was OK for a while until my best friend passed away. The last 5 years were very hard as the companies I worked for kept losing contracts and going out of business. Finally I found a good stable position again but our finances were wrecked by the periods of unemployment - right at a time when we have girls going into college. But with prayer and love we are making it.

If I could pass on some advice that was given to me which I found useful - consider this. Take yourself outside of your own body for a moment and look at yourself in the 3rd person. Just imagine that you are standing beside yourself. What would you feel if you encountered another person with the problems you have now? One would hope compassion.

Self-pity is not a good state of mind. But Self-Compassion is a completely necessary state of mind. When you are compassionate towards yourself it frees up a lot of mental energy that is otherwise bound up in feeling "bad". It gives you the breathing room necessary to pull yourself together.

It also fulfills the second part of the Great Command. "Love thy neighbor as thyself." -- Clearly it is predicated that in order to love others we have to love ourselves as well. Be compassionate towards yourself.

 

[Humilis Curator]

In my mid-late teens I was very depressed and destroyed by someone I trust with all of my heart. I went through a phase of beating myself up and blaming myself believing I was the one who did wrong. To keep the story short, I began to get angry at her after realizing I wasn't the one who was wrong. I used that anger to pull me out initially because she broke up with me because at that point in time I had nothing going on and was very boring person. So I was determined to pull myself up and out of the depression and prove her and other people wrong who doubted me.

Even though that is the way I pulled myself out of the depression, it is not healthy to gain motivation from external things. Over the years I came to the belief that no matter what happens one must keep going and keep their head above the water. If one allows their head to sink beneath the waves of life they will never be able to see the sunshine again unless they exert enough force and time to do so.

Every person has the strength within them to pull their selves out of the most desperate and terrible situations, they just have to find it. You just gotta keep going and keep fighting, it doesn't matter how hard you hit, it matters how many times you get back up and get into the fray.

As for the people who I trusted betraying me I either snip them out of my life or just detach myself from them and try to help them.

 

[foxglove]

whoever had written "It helps me to use my intuition and insight into people to try to understand their motivations. Things don't seem so hurtful if you realize the reason for the actions, and that many people are simply ignorant, not malicious." that I think is true most of the time...

Also I think most people have nailed it, just try to be cautious and if you can't trust your own intuition, ask others that you already do trust. Also if they're different from when they're just with you VS when they're with you and other people, in a bad way, that is usually a bad sign. Being with people who are consistently themselves even amongst different kinds of people is a good place to start.

 

[nikkii]

I stop being a push over. I use to think If I showed how completly slefless I was people would learn it was okay, I just ending up damaging myself without anyone really seeing it as me nothing but naive girl. Life is tough, people are cruel. its a vicious cycle.

I do what I can when I can, without being so self sacficing.

 

[Phoebe]

I've noticed a lot of INFJs have abuse in their background. This affects one's ability to form stable bonds with others in the future. It is a difficult challenge to deal with. At various times in my life I've experienced a lot of emotional anxiety, sometimes trouble functioning. It seemed to hit me pretty rough right around age 30. Then I was OK for a while until my best friend passed away. The last 5 years were very hard as the companies I worked for kept losing contracts and going out of business. Finally I found a good stable position again but our finances were wrecked by the periods of unemployment - right at a time when we have girls going into college. But with prayer and love we are making it.

If I could pass on some advice that was given to me which I found useful - consider this. Take yourself outside of your own body for a moment and look at yourself in the 3rd person. Just imagine that you are standing beside yourself. What would you feel if you encountered another person with the problems you have now? One would hope compassion.

Self-pity is not a good state of mind. But Self-Compassion is a completely necessary state of mind. When you are compassionate towards yourself it frees up a lot of mental energy that is otherwise bound up in feeling "bad". It gives you the breathing room necessary to pull yourself together.

It also fulfills the second part of the Great Command. "Love thy neighbor as thyself." -- Clearly it is predicated that in order to love others we have to love ourselves as well. Be compassionate towards yourself.

What an amazing post! I am just learning this now, and I'm almost 40. I need to value myself as much as I value others, and have compassion and patience for myself. I've never thought about it before until lately, and here you just put it into words. I am starting to realize that I count, and I need to take care of myself just as much as the other people in my life who depend upon me. Thanks for the post! That exact verse from the Bible is something that I've been thinking of the past couple of weeks.