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Discussion Starter #1
Her: I'm hungry.
Me: Okay.
Her: Either that or I'm just thirsty.
Me: ??? You don't know?
Her: No.
Me: .............well, usually when I'm thirsty I feel it in my mouth and when I'm hungry I feel it in my stomach.
Her: Well I'm so glad you're so perfect.
Me: I'm not perfect and I'm not saying I am. I was saying how it is for me and hoping you'd say how it is different for you.
Her: My stomach hurts whether I'm hungry or thirsty.
Me: Oh. So you can never tell which one you are?
Her: Just forget it.
Me: Why? What's wrong?
Her: Nothing, just forget it.
Me: I'm just showing interest in what you're saying.
Her: No you're not! You're grilling me!
Me: I'm not grilling you.
Her: Yes you are! And I'm not going to pretend to put up with it anymore!
Me: How am I grilling you?
Her: You're asking me all these questions about it!
Me: Why would I be grilling you?
Her: I don't know. To make a point or something.
Me: I'm not trying to make any point.
Her: Then I don't know what you're doing.
Me: I'm asking questions about things you said that I don't understand because I care about what you're talking about.
Her: Well whatever. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

And then she's in a bad mood for a while. Many of our arguments start, progress, and end similar to this. What really frustrates me is that I don't know how it got to that point and she doesn't ever want to explain to me what went wrong, so it keeps happening over and over regardless of different methods I try. I believe I'm INTP and we believe she's ISFJ.
 

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"You don't know?" That's where you went wrong, there.

She's either hungry or thirsty, she's not looking for a critique of her detection abilities.

Correct responses could include: "So do you want me to get you a drink just in case?" "How about you have a drink and see if you're hungry in a few minutes?" "Can I get you something?" "Do you know what you want?" or "Maybe we should get you a drink just in case and then see what happens."

This would be followed by an inquiry about 20 minutes after the drink as to her relative state of hunger.
 

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My INFJ can be kind of combative over things. Its hard to say though whats going on or where the problem lies. I know some people like that and it seems that no matter what you say or do, its not right. Or it seems like they start things on purpose. So its hard to tell from one convo.

I think instead of trying to figure her out, just try to give her what she needs? Like, does it really matter if she doesn't know if she's hungry or thirsty? Ask her what she wants to eat/drink and get it for her. I know that with me personally, I don't have a rhyme or reason for 90% of what I do or want. It drives my INFJ nuts because he is totally opposite, he has a reason for everything and has things planned out. If I'm offered cookies or cake and I decide I want both, I'd like him to just go with it instead of trying to make sense of it....It doesn't really make sense to me either, but that doesn't mean I can't want both.
 
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Her: I'm hungry.
Me: Okay.
Her: Either that or I'm just thirsty.
Me: ??? You don't know?
Her: No.
Me: .............well, usually when I'm thirsty I feel it in my mouth and when I'm hungry I feel it in my stomach.
Her: Well I'm so glad you're so perfect.
Me: I'm not perfect and I'm not saying I am. I was saying how it is for me and hoping you'd say how it is different for you.
Her: My stomach hurts whether I'm hungry or thirsty.
Me: Oh. So you can never tell which one you are?
Her: Just forget it.
Me: Why? What's wrong?
Her: Nothing, just forget it.
Me: I'm just showing interest in what you're saying.
Her: No you're not! You're grilling me!
Me: I'm not grilling you.
Her: Yes you are! And I'm not going to pretend to put up with it anymore!
Me: How am I grilling you?
Her: You're asking me all these questions about it!
Me: Why would I be grilling you?
Her: I don't know. To make a point or something.
Me: I'm not trying to make any point.
Her: Then I don't know what you're doing.
Me: I'm asking questions about things you said that I don't understand because I care about what you're talking about.
Her: Well whatever. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

And then she's in a bad mood for a while. Many of our arguments start, progress, and end similar to this. What really frustrates me is that I don't know how it got to that point and she doesn't ever want to explain to me what went wrong, so it keeps happening over and over regardless of different methods I try. I believe I'm INTP and we believe she's ISFJ.
dude, no offense, but you sound like your calling her stupid here. when you said "you dont know" she probably thought 'oh, he thins im stupid for that huh?' believe it or not, most people actually cant distinguish thirsty from hungry. its the reason why some people over eat. in fact you probably do it yourself, and dont notice it.

anyways, back to the real problem. from what i see from this conversation, while you're honestly trying to understand her better, she takes your questions to mean that your looking down on her. try refrasing you words, like nstead of "you dont know?" or "seriously?" just shrug it off and say something that shows you understand. for example, you could have said "wells lets drin something and see if that helps" or something along that lines.

i hoped that helped! sorry if i got carried away :)
 

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Dump her.

hahahahahah ok no, don't do it...

I would.

I just can't stand people that are soooooooooooooooooooooo freaking emotional.

I mean, I wouldn't go out of control or anything. I know I can handle it, but... I don't know it just too much for me.

So there... my advice: DUMP HER. xD
 

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Franky, she's insecure. So you asking all these questions to honestly just find out what is going on looks to her as if you're talking to her like she's stupid. It just makes her feel worse so she gets all defensive and tries to avoid the conversation all together to avoid feeling stupid.

Everything you're saying to her feels like an attack. "Me: .............well, usually when I'm thirsty I feel it in my mouth and when I'm hungry I feel it in my stomach." In her eyes, what you really said was, "you can't even tell if you're thirsty and hungry? Seriously? It's pretty easy stuff for everyone over the age of two."
 

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Ugh, that sounds miserable. I'd cut her loose, fast.

You're not doing anything wrong that I can see. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells for her.
 

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There are plenty of women out there who aren't crazy.

However, after you said, "You don't know?" and she responded with, "No." then you should have simply followed with, "Hehe, okay." or something similar.

Realistically, there is no reason why you need to know how she determines whether she is hungry or if she's thirsty. Who cares.
 

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ahahahaha

She was just making idle conversation and you turned it into an anal inquisition about how she can detect the difference between hunger and thirst.

You were trying to be helpful but she saw this as highly annoying because you took it upon yourself to explain something to her about her own body -- she knows already what to do. She was just trying to make conversation.

Here's a tip: Never give women advice unless they ask for it.
 

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Never give women advice unless they ask for it
Never. I think that blue sweater looks a lot better on you than the green one. Also you should brush your teeth at least twice a day(i mean mouth teeth, not vaginal ones)
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Thanks for the replies. I agree that it's probably what happened. It is relevant that we were in the car and couldn't quickly or easily get something to eat or drink. It also makes one more apt to discuss things due to the lack of many other options that are normally there.

I probably do inadvertently tell her that she's stupid a lot. That sucks.
 

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seriously when I see a girl being that emotional and fucked-up, that means that she's either insecure, incapable of taking criticism, incapable of taking a joke; incapable of understanding humou at allr; being a bitch and testing your limits; all of the above.:laughing:
Or she is an unhealthy ESFJ/ESFP. Either way, you're screwed man. If such incidents continue to occur, then I know what I would do.
Of course, this could also mean that, since you are an INTP, we sometimes tend to be a bit... condescending and oblivious to our partner's needs.
 

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Of course, this could also mean that, since you are an INTP, we sometimes tend to be a bit... condescending and oblivious to our partner's needs.
I hope I'm not like that in any future relationship, but then again not all INTPs are the same.
 

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Not trying to be funny, just making a point that she got upset over nothing which usually tends to happen during that time of the month.
Fair enough, but just because she's a woman doesn't mean that she can't be upset over nothing during the rest of the month.
 

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Fair enough, but just because she's a woman doesn't mean that she can't be upset over nothing during the rest of the month.
True. It just seems more likely to happen during that time of the month. And its usually the boyfriend that cops it the most, atleast in my experience.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
This conversation was quite paraphrased since I didn't remember it exactly. I think the problem on my end is that I thirst (or maybe hunger, never can tell) for conversation and turn everything into one. She's always saying that I'm always over-analyzing or criticizing everything. She feels "oppressed" by me and says I'm "overbearing". I'm always inquiring about things and she's always feeling pressure to answer when she doesn't. And then I get on the computer and she feels abandoned.

I have no intention of dumping her, however. We're married and have a son together. I'd just like to know how to communicate better with her at times. Why she gets upset suddenly and then clams up. I know she used to be on depression medication before she met me and then she lost her insurance and we couldn't afford them anymore. She said she didn't need them anyway since I treated her a lot better than her ex.
 

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:laughing: I love it! You two sound like me and my husband in our early dating days. He is an INTJ and I test all over the map but more INFJ/P.
Both of you have to realize that neither one of you are trying to grill the other or make the other feel stupid. If you are attached to this person learn to speak in a language called "feeling", and ask her to learn to speak "rational logic." It is literally like having to learn another language and culture. It can be done and when you do achieve it the bond is strong between the two of you.
Good Luck.
 
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