According to you, what are INFJs like? What makes them different from the rest of the types?
I find it weird when INFJs describe themselves and their experiences with others. Typically my interactions with INFJs have been more one-to-one because even when we're in groups it feels like our connection is separated from the others in some way, but within that dynamic I always find INFJs very calm, composed, I mean I can sense that there is a lot deeper going on, but they have tight enough control and self-awareness over it that I'm not too bothered about that.More in our heads than in the world, and when we come up for air we don't have any of what most others would consider something to show for it. Add in the occasional surprise of something profoundly useful, just enough to keep people guessing.
The most frequent two comments I have gotten throughout my life so far are:
- I don't understand you
- You're weird
When it was my shrink who told me she didn't understand me, I just threw my hands up and went back to keeping my own counsel, lol.
I want to be understood and then accepted. To be accepted through continuous understanding. Otherwise the acceptance is only about behaviour and what is seen which is just a tiny part of the whole. If that happens and someone accepts me in this way - it is the end of it. He no longer tries to understand and just gave up into acceptance of seen. There is not much future with that person apart from an acquaintanceship. Understanding needs to be continuous process which never really ends because the human never really ends. When it stops - open communication dies and acceptance which comes out of this is more of a tolerance combined with giving up.INFJs are very accessible...until they aren't and they're very distant.
They are very playful when it's durian time...until it's not time to play anymore and it's time to ache for the world.
They choose who really knows them. Perhaps you can dig into an ENFJ, but you can't dig into an INFJ. They have to take you in there. And then it might be too much for you and you'll want out. (Which is why they are slow to take you in) I kind of wanted out of my INFJ friendship... We had the best of fun together, but now I don't think she would approve of the way I live my life.
I don't know if they desire to be understood or merely listened to. I would rather be listened to and accepted as I am, not understood. I'm a very simple, easily understood person when you get down to it, but my way of expressing it is a way that needs to be accepted by those close to me. I'm wondering if the INFJ would like to be understood instead of merely accepted, or if being accepted as they are is an adequate mask for understanding. Not sure. My friend and I had our ups and downs. Wild creativity and laughs, and also barely being able to stand the other. I forgot that I dated an INFJ for a bit! He broke up with me unexpectedly...
A well-known INFJ friend is a challenge. The worst is when they are right, but what you are doing feels good, and you don't want them to be right because you don't want to change. That drove me mad. My Ne would twist and turn, trying to create some outcome that they couldn't predict. Often to no avail. Every so often it was okay, but when she was in a stress mood, Ni-Ti loop, it would severely cramp my style. And then she would start the obsessive cleaning...
Yes, that's my understanding. I originally wrote about a page that I erased. I think even though ENFPs are long-winded, I probably shouldn't edit myself too much. lol I always end up re-writing it. Maybe it just takes that long to make my case and explain all my thinking so that you with Ni can then boil it down after you've heard the whole thing. lolThanks llyralen. This is interesting. So are you you saying you think its because Ti doesn't get developed until late with INFJs that causes the disconnect where talking about?
Yes, that's my understanding. I originally wrote about a page that I erased. I think even though ENFPs are long-winded, I probably shouldn't edit myself too much. lol I always end up re-writing it. Maybe it just takes that long to make my case and explain all my thinking so that you with Ni can then boil it down after you've heard the whole thing. lol
This idea didn't originate with me, but I very much think it is true. Fi and Ti are your "sense of self". I recently saw an interview of an ESFJ who said "I have a hard time thinking that I am an actual person." and ENFJ Oprah has some quotes on "You've got to figure out what you love, who you are...." which to an Fi user just sounds kind of like nothing. Figure out what you love? Don't you know already? Who is in danger of missing such obvious information? Which does make me wonder what it is I say that "sounds like nothing" to another type. Probably when I say something like"You've got to figure out a system to find your keys. Put them in the same place in your purse every time. Put your purse in the same place in the house every time." Most ENFPs start making fun of our Si as we realize we'll always have a problem with it.
I find that my preferences are softly malleable. There are quite a few things I don't enjoy on my own, but when I can tag along someone who loves them, I enjoy them, too. I don't find anything wrong with that. To me, it's a bit like ... no, I don't like to kick a ball alone, but when there's a bunch of people playing, it can be fun. Some activities are only fun with the right kind of company. There are bands I would only listen to with someone who loves them, comedians I only find funny with someone who loves them etc.I can only speak for myself here but I struggle a lot with Ti issues, and it is hard when people expect me to just know on the spot what I like, or what I want, what my preference is. I know it's in there somewhere but I can't call it up on demand, I have to almost sit and divine it slowly over a period of time and reflection, and I need to feel comfortable and calm to be able to do that. It's definitely not something I can easily summarize.
I do find this very relatable. However I see #2 as not necessarily having anything to do with my real preferences and rather it's more of a Fe thing, just how I automatically operate and what feels right by default. Well I have put a lot of thought and soul-searching into this issue, specifically about how I relate to #2, what does it mean to me to take interest in the interests of those around me and share in those? How much of it is me and how much is them and how much is down to me wanting rapport with them?I find that my preferences are softly malleable. There are quite a few things I don't enjoy on my own, but when I can tag along someone who loves them, I enjoy them, too. I don't find anything wrong with that. To me, it's a bit like ... no, I don't like to kick a ball alone, but when there's a bunch of people playing, it can be fun. Some activities are only fun with the right kind of company. There are bands I would only listen to with someone who loves them, comedians I only find funny with someone who loves them etc.
But there are also other things I love whether on my own or with others. They don't change just because I am with someone who does not love them. They can, however, be enhanced by being with someone who also loves them.
I guess you could say I feel there are three distinct "layers":
#1: Things I always love
#2: Things I love with the right company who loves them
#3: Things I don't like no matter what
When it comes to trivial things like "where should we eat?", I often give a random suggestion from a number of potential decent options (ruling out any places where I absolutely wouldn't want to eat) just because I know that my companion doesn't like taking their time to pick a place. Our choice of restaurant doesn't make much difference to me, but I know they prefer choosing a place quickly, so I pick something fast with my internal Random Generator™, so it looks as if I had a preference.
I think I realised early on - as a teenager - that people are very different internally and want and feel very different things. It may have helped that I grew up in a family with lots of different personality types so it was obvious from the get go that we all operate very differently. I don't remember ever consciously thinking that other people must be having the same internal experiences or feelings that I do ... I've always assumed we're all different, with some universalities.