How I was raised to put everyone not just ahead of me but instead of me, so I woke up irritable, not from the usual joint and other pain, something more, and it took over an hour before I could get my thoughts to coalesce well enough for my SO to totally get it, and then say, "Yeah, you fell back into the pattern but you stopped; hear me, you're OK, you stopped it?"
Damn, early upbringing is a hard nut to crack open again and again without fatiguing myself, but yes, I did it.
I had to compare a neighbor I took in for months so she could get out of a religious cult (never regretted that decision) to the friend who is eager to come stay here but not follow through on helping get himself out of the depression (another contributor) that he's in, so I got the resource list together, went down and measured an area in the basement and checked it out, best place, for a temporary set-up, got my SO on some other tasks...
The friend came so late yesterday that the agencies I had on a list for him to call to get assistance were closed--not just for the day but for the weekend.
"Oh, wow, I didn't think of that" he said after blowing off our 2:00 p.m.appointment, texting after 1:30p.m. to say he wasn't gonna make it (cryptic text message for why not), then when I mapped out an alternative way to spend the day, he called back an hour and a half later to see if he could come over after all.
I said sure, instead of deciding on more careful options:
1) Put my cell phone in another room. (Can't react on auto-pilot if I'm nowhere near the device I'd use to do that).
2) Not answer the text until I thought it through--why his stall, prepared myself to ask--on the phone, no text message, "remote control" bullshit,
"Why aren't you going to call the agencies you agreed you need?"
I got my own obstacles to work through, day by day, getting back on track when I meander, so I don't need, and will not accept, putting so much energy into assisting someone who really wants an ear, a crash pad, and another surrogate parent while he does his two or longer Decade Dance.
I barely broke free of falling back into Surrogate Sissy--a role that was foisted on me when I was eight-years-old.
I'm still learning how to rank my needs first.
Reminds me of The Indigo Girls song, a line from it, "They say it's never too let, but you don't get any younger."
I have no more time to waste on basket cases not interested in playing inside the foul lines.
No condemnation--I've been close enough to wearing his shoes; I recognize our similar places in The Human Situation, especially as we share the same basic personality type and wing.
Big difference, though, is how I took care of so many, and he is always the one being taken care of.
Brings to mind what I call psychological gravity: It is so much easier to slip downward than it is to pull oneself up, so facing which direction we're headed is crucial for survival and growth.
Tracy Chapman, Fast Car), paraphrase, "we got to make a decision or live and die this way."
My favorite performance of it, sense of her, here LIVE: