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I'm shaky exhausted. The problem with my overdoing it is that I don't bounce back fast. Still, I've treated today like 'A Day of Rest' which isn't what I usually do on a Sunday, or any other day of the week once summer is over. I start in on all I couldn't do for months, concentrating my energy, and not being in tune with reality concerning my human and individual limits whether physical or psychological.

I woke up this morning with mid-back spasms, and over-all pain worse than usual.

My husband asked, "How long since you took any OTC medication?" and I answered his real question, "No, I'm not going to take any aspirin or ibuprofen, it almost killed me..."

Then we talked about what I could do, so I took extra of both prescribed meds, and within 45 minutes tops, the spasms were gone, the over-all pain was eased back down to normal (moderate, constant, not overwhelming), and my mood improved so much I was cheerful.

That energy didn't last much beyond allowing me to wash up and do some other simple things, but that was enough.

When I told my husband something akin to, "I'm not ever gonna get back to writing; it isn't realistic. I'm too ill, got too many diseases, Ohio takes a huge toll compared to S. California, there's the PTDS and other stress, and I just need to find a way to accept and replace the loss--"

He cut me off and very forcefully said, "No! You don't know that!"

I know how much it means to him that I be creative, but desire has to be backed by health, fitness, and so much more to bring the possible into the realm of probable and then actually produced.

I didn't argue with him.

Still, in I thought, "It's Maslow's Hierarchy, and I have had it upside down too long. When I have the foundation--which I am working on--in place: My anti-inflammatory diet; Vitamin D and manual treadmill walks; weight training, and the rest, if there is enough energy left over, I'll see what, if any, forms I can use to express what I have to share..."

I was thinking about how many other--considered far more successful than I--were dead by or close to my age because they focused so completely on the artistic output, they didn't see to diet, exercise, rest, psychological wellness and more: They took massive amounts of drugs; got drunk every time they put pen to paper or brush to canvas; they had psychotic breaks, and so forth.

My definition of success is shifting, and for me anyway, it's for the better, toward balance--not an obsessive or dreamlike 'wanna be bigger, brighter, better than is possible.'

Yes, I agree with my husband to a point, and say to myself, We'll see.
 
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