Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 44 Posts

·
MOTM Jan 2015
Joined
·
10,473 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I started the original thread a little over a year ago:

http://personalitycafe.com/sex-relationships/174629-what-your-goals-dating-game.html

What is your end goal? Ideally? Marriage, kids, committed LTR (open? closed?), soul mate, sex, I dunno, parental and societal approval, security, companionship, validation, revenge, monogamous but potentially shorter relationships (so just...infatuation and intimacy, maybe)?

I ask because I know I overthink this stuff, but the types I'm attracted to tend not to so much. After feeling kinda trollish, emotionally regressive and closed off to the dating scene for a long time I'm starting to feel more open to it again. Plus I promised myself that I'd start taking it more seriously, respectfully and formally come this summer. Or at least be in a place where I'd be prepared to. A lot of that preparation isn't being prepared though, oddly.

Staying emotionally open puts you at risk for uncertainty, insecurity, loss of control, etc. So I guess I want some kind of framework as protection within that. A roadmap to come back to so that I don't veer too far off course or waste too much time. I'd also prefer not to get a sneak attack marriage proposal when I'm least expecting it again and be left caught in hesitation as to how to answer. Or to continue making stellar decisions like choosing to go home with a guy at the club who later tells me that he's a convicted felon who was in jail for grand theft auto on an hour's ride home (didn't sleep with him though, tmi...ah, long story) because I've thrown all caution to the wind.

I really dislike too much calculation in dating itself - like in how the process practically unfolds. I need that hormonal bonding experience associated with "falling in love" or it's all a giant chore to me at this point in my life. I'm content being single, and I really feel more secure this way. Relationships are risky.

I think my plan presently is to avoid anything that feels primarily like an investment for the future. I need the feel goods and gritty now or no go. I've dated dudes who I thought had husband potential in the past and I ignored the more atypical red flags - so not the ones pertaining to, like...responsibility - but stuff like the fact that I thought we'd have to work at the sex, the chemistry, that they were halting momentum (or going too fast, making me feel like I was more an ideal to force into some fantasy than a person), being overthinky to the point of killing feels, etc. I've also given too much time and energy to people who I did have those more organic things with, but who I worried about as future life partners or fathers. I've redefined what I think a good husband would be anyway, and it's someone who can roll with the punches of life. I'm not worried about the resume.

If I find that though? I do think I would want to marry them eventually. Been thinking about this over the past few days after a convo with someone. And for practical reasons too. I'm okay with the idea of marriage ending in divorce. The reality is that the break up of a lot of LTR's is like a divorce anyway, especially if there was cohabitation. I'd like the protection and convenience of a third party (i.e. lawyers).

There's something about saying your vows and sharing that commitment with friends and family too that makes marriage somewhat eternal in a way even if it does end in divorce - because it is for that time and place. You've fully committed to the partnership with that person in the moment. And yea, yea, some people who are married aren't really committed and some people in LTR's are, but I wouldn't walk down the aisle with someone I didn't think I could be fully committed to in the first place, and if it didn't work out that way, again, I'm okay with divorce after putting in the effort to try to fix what's been broken. There's something creatively energetic abut the process of the ceremonial too imo, especially with witnesses. I had a long talk with a Taoist instructor about this. Anyway. Probably worth it both for that and the legal aspects.

If I were to get married I'd probably want children at some point. Or at least I'd want the possibility of them, since there's the possibility that conception wouldn't be possible. I don't like the idea of being limited though. If I commit to something I want to feel like I could roll deep in it without much stipulation. If we're already creating a mutual home and lifestyle, creating replications of our combined DNA is just...interesting. Maximization of the family unit. Idk, I guess if I'm going to settle and give up my freedom I want to really feel like I'm going all in, because otherwise I don't want to do it.

I'm already 30 though, and I know that a lot of places won't freeze your eggs for you past 36 - so I have about six years, and I do feel like I hear the ticking of the biological clock some. Ideally I'd just live my life and let serendipity work it's magic, but I don't want to miss my window either. I think my plan at present is to date until the honeymoon phase wears off (one to two-ish years usually?) if I do actually meet someone worth even that commitment, and then bounce if marriage isn't at least on the table at that point. Once it starts to become work, or, again, an investment into what's potentially a vacuum. No ultimatum either, never a good idea, just leave. I've gained decent control over the emotional faucet by now. If this becomes a pattern not resulting in marriage, I may consider freezing my eggs. It's expensive, but it's not an arm and a leg. I've recently come to terms with the fact that I could actually be a mother in practicality and not just in some distant imagined future. Then I'd probably just focus on my career and let the cards fall where they may with that paid security (hopefully, not guaranteed).

Anyway, tl;dr, sorry, BUT - does anyone else have these goals to meet their goals? Lol. An overarching plan of some sort? Please share and make me feel less neurotic, haha. I don't care if your goal is completely different than mine and you're out to bed a new woman every night - I'm curious what sort of...strategies...people are employing, or if they are. Story telling would be welcome too. How some of this has or hasn't panned out for you. Not really looking for advice, just thoughts.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,163 Posts
Finding the person I'm supposed to end up with. Not quite soul mate... well. Greek myth of 4 armed humans and all, but I intend to find this person who is trying to find me.

Marriage is largely a social construct that would make other people/the world leave you alone (together), rather than an end in itself for me. It has its uses, sure, and if a pair of rings create a measure of safety and legal status (especially if there’s kids, again, not a priority/ not sure I want them), .... then might as well, bring the 200 relatives reception on.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,145 Posts
Goals?.. I'm looking for a match, yes. Though I'm not at all counting on it. I spent 3 hours with a guy I haven't met yet (just a few messages) and I'm super stoked to meet him. I still have to tell this other guy I'm not interested because he's getting really weird with these guilt trip "jokes". Like when my iPhone broke, the volume button got stuck on mute, and he said "that must have been from all the times you ignore my calls lol" and frankly I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about because I haven't ever ignored his calls.

I must confess I'm jaded as hell. I've had one guy rebound after 2 years (I'm thinking this is a meant to be that my other most amazing connection failed) only that his behavior was opposite of what he was saying, which was he respected me and admired me. I don't think he was lying. I just think he's a fucked in the head loser. I find lots of people are. They think in black and white terms with relationship and with the dimensions of people.


I think that people pair for many reasons. Anyway you slice it, it's a game. You either mind fuck yourself or you engage in a mutual mindfuk. This could be a good game or a bad game (healthy or unhealthy / beneficial or not). And that's the crust of the matter - when a connection is no longer beneficial people move on (unless they're in a marriage or deeper commitment).


I'm now no longer looking for love because I don't believe in it. I think men and women love different or experience it different and whenever I love them back they drop but so long as they don't get my love they're perpetually loving me (until I call it quits). If I do love them, I can't ever ever ever show or tell them. Like a 4w5 who suffers in silence, I'm doomed to love (and suffer) in silence. I give respect, admiration, and about 1/5 of my appreciation (love). This keeps things healthy and balanced because I'm a little crazy in that I give too much so I can't ever indulge in it. Making sense?


So my goals are more strategic due to circumstances. I communicate on the floor benefits (the beneficial both parties recieve). I don't date men that cause me any grief. I drop them after the second occurrence, the first if I'm not too attracted, of anything that causes unnecessary grief. I only date men who appreciate the fact that I'm spending my time to be with them even though I can't afford to be dating, (think all the things that go into dating for the female and the fact I'm a single special needs mom). Example : last date I went on, they gave me my babysitting money for the sitter. Otherwise I don't see them on a night I have my son. If they want to take me somewhere that means I need to dress accordingly, I don't go unless they pay for those expenses. I can't afford it.


So what are my goals?? Companionship. Sex. Someone who likes to help me intellectually and in return, I forgive him for all his asshole flaws.. And maybe, depending on who they are, maybe I even have enough compassion to not deflate their self delusions (unhealthy proportions of ego).


Really. I just like having a friend. An intimate friendship is always going to be special and uniquely meaningful than any close platonic female friendship. Not sure if any of this makes sense. I'm sure it sounds terrible to most. I don't hate men. I'm just defeated, as in, I can't play that game with myself anymore, thinking they are any more than what they actually are... Kinda depressing but, empowering too. Men are just disgusting pigs, and amazingly loving in their own way.. It is what it is. *apathetic shrug*
 
  • Like
Reactions: Schizoid and Veggie

·
Sharp Cutting Thing
Joined
·
9,678 Posts
Um I dunno?

Like when I was younger I guess I had goals and stuff. LTRs and that sort of shit. But I sort of failed and failed hard at it. Honestly, I've seen most everything I've ever tried to work for either fizzle out or collapse around me. My biggest life lesson, ironically enough, has been to be almost inordinately spontaneous -- that's when the good stuff happens for me.

So I guess I just want to have fun now.
 

·
MOTM Jan 2015
Joined
·
10,473 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
fall in love -> intimate companionship -> kids and family where the former ideally should not be cancelled by the later


Kind of finding someone with the right wing so we can fly high and fast. :kitteh:


I like that analogy.

(I just had the longest weirdest conversation about Top Gun with my roommates too btw :p)

I don't think I'll find my ideal, so ill probably just do the fwb thing.

That's the plan
What's the ideal? :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
596 Posts
No goals with dating. If something sparks up I'll give it another go and take it lightly, but I'll never marry or have children. Cohabitation isn't in the cards again, either. Trying to break the cycle and live a life of personal freedom and affluence.

You MGTOW brah?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,886 Posts
To have a good time at events as active participants and attention on each other and the event itself, perhaps more importantly the latter. But, it's good to keep an eye open to emotions and each other. Just don't let it be too much of the focus, plz....

To be open to go to social events and the people that are encountered. It isn't always going to be a cake-walk, and attention is going to be all over the place. This one takes a lot of practice, hope, grace, and experience with talking to the massive variety of people. We both have to have some control and tolerance in each others' circles. Spinning the stupidity as a great experience...lol.

To communicate openly and share secrets. To develop intimacy and vulnerability in a positive constructive way by discussing things honestly and openly. I would really like this in a relationship!

To discuss doing things and then actively doing them together and also activities by ourselves. Somehow make a relationship that respects what the other and oneself does to an extent. I would like someone who is willing to listen to certain things I'd like to do and able to support to some extent. I'd like to do the same for them in a healthy way that is also strong and able to help them without entertaining their every dream and desire...because not everything is feasible. I don't want to be delusional, and I don't want them to be that way either.

To develop a fulfilling physical relationship that's monogamous. But not to depend on it entirely either. I am not really sure of frequency and even of style of how it will take place at the moment. I'd like it to develop as it grows and when things are right and mutually a positive experience. I enjoy simply the intimacy of doing these things, and the physical relationship doesn't always have to be intercourse in the conventional sense.

To have communication and trust develop that is honest, open, and clear. I'd also maybe like some kind of banter and fun. But you can't keep that up forever...or maybe you can? I am not so certain of what I'd like to share all the time and what's relevant. This one is challenge for me as well.

There's probably more....this feels like an exhaustive list though in itself. Not sure if I want kids...I am slightly interested, but it depends on how my mate would be and if they'd do well and find enjoyment in it. A kid is quite a commitment, and it's good to have help and plans and relatives to help.
 
1 - 20 of 44 Posts
Top