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How do male ISTJs perceive or view sex?

I am fairly certain I just started dating one. What I observe is that he is light-hearted about it, sees it as "fun". But he has also made a point to be an awesome cuddler, kisser and has told me he likes me. I feel a little disconnect at the moment, but this is all very new. He almost seems a little cocky, yet simple and open. Your experiences?
 

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Definitely confident when I see interest from another person. The sensual part of the experience is equally important as how I feel toward the other person. I would say that each person is different, but the physical touch is quite important for me. It may differ, you'd have to ask him.
 

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My primary love-language is physical touch, and I'm also SX/SP enneagram variant. To me, sex is a very big part of being together.

Being a Duty Fulfiller (so stereotype) if I'm in an intimate situation it is my "duty" to be able to give my partner a decent time sexually (that includes cuddling, kissing, and sex). Frankly if I'm not interested in someone, that side of me doesn't come out. Though I can be a flirty and very dirty bastard in the right circumstances.

I'm not certain about other ISTJs, to me sex IS fun. That said, I don't just fuck all and sundry indiscriminately: it still requires some deeper feeling to be involved. The feeling can grow slowly...and it can be killed damn quickly. If the feeling is killed, sex is off the table for good.

Cocky, simple, open? Sounds like a decent person, not too arrogant to bear. If you decide that this is something precious to you, nurture it carefully and don't rush into it way too fast. (These days, most people rush into things way too fast. ISTJs tend to be slower and take their time, being very careful.)

And meh, I ramble. Hopefully something in that ^^^ helps answer your question.
 

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My primary love-language is physical touch, and I'm also SX/SP enneagram variant. To me, sex is a very big part of being together.

Being a Duty Fulfiller (so stereotype) if I'm in an intimate situation it is my "duty" to be able to give my partner a decent time sexually (that includes cuddling, kissing, and sex). Frankly if I'm not interested in someone, that side of me doesn't come out. Though I can be a flirty and very dirty bastard in the right circumstances.

I'm not certain about other ISTJs, to me sex IS fun. That said, I don't just fuck all and sundry indiscriminately: it still requires some deeper feeling to be involved. The feeling can grow slowly...and it can be killed damn quickly. If the feeling is killed, sex is off the table for good.

Cocky, simple, open? Sounds like a decent person, not too arrogant to bear. If you decide that this is something precious to you, nurture it carefully and don't rush into it way too fast. (These days, most people rush into things way too fast. ISTJs tend to be slower and take their time, being very careful.)

And meh, I ramble. Hopefully something in that ^^^ helps answer your question.
Thanks, yes, helpful. I actually wanted to go slower than him, and may slow it down. I want to have a more solid connection to him on other levels first. He has seemed very decent...and liked that our first couple dates he seemed protective and he didn't even kiss me...and for one of the first times, felt unsure of being in the place of having the attention and seemingly his interest without him being forward physically. I've never felt like I've been with a man with more or less equal interest/attraction, chemistry and also decency or potential for a longer term situation. It does make me want to have sex be more meaningful or special, and I think him coming from a relationship background maybe has had more sexual ease and positive experience.
 

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Had an interesting conversation a few months ago, when I was frustrated that my boyfriend was always so exhausted that our sex life was not what I felt it should be. From the start of our relationship he was the one nudging for sex early, though it's not like he sleeps with every girl he dates - he only has slept with girls that he has been in relationships with. It's funny, now we both sort of agree that we may have gone at it too soon, but luckily it didn't damage the relationship at all. It just may have alleviated some of my anxieties early on.

But anyways, back to the conversation a few months ago when I expressed my frustrations with our lacking sex life (usually about once a week).

He said that in the past with his exes he always relied on sex (or lack thereof) as a barometer of the health of the relationship (which he had said multiple times before). Granted he also had an ex who withheld sex as punishment when she didn't get her way, but I think it was also just how he assessed relationships in the past - not that good sex isn't important, but it's not the only thing. But then he said, with you I don't feel that anymore. That with me/us he has never felt that need to equate frequent and good sex to the quality of the relationship. He said that with me he knows that he doesn't *have* to have sex to know he's loved, and that even if we go a week without having sex that it doesn't mean our love is any less or that our relationship is somehow doomed.

It was a surprising revelation for me to hear that, and it made me think differently too. And luckily our sex life has improved, though we're both burning the candle at both ends and are perpetually sleep deprived due to work, social activities, other obligations, etc.

But I think he sees sex as an important part of being in a relationship, though he's learning that it's not the only thing. He definitely sees it as fun. He loves cuddling and kissing, not always leading to sex (actually usually cuddling doesn't unless one of us gets really playful while cuddling). One thing I noticed is that once we had sex he no longer wanted to make out anymore, which is unfortunate because sometimes just making out is fun. Now if I get playful in bed he just assumes it's sexy time, when sometimes I just want to be playful and make out under the comforter.
 

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Had an interesting conversation a few months ago, when I was frustrated that my boyfriend was always so exhausted that our sex life was not what I felt it should be. From the start of our relationship he was the one nudging for sex early, though it's not like he sleeps with every girl he dates - he only has slept with girls that he has been in relationships with. It's funny, now we both sort of agree that we may have gone at it too soon, but luckily it didn't damage the relationship at all. It just may have alleviated some of my anxieties early on.

But anyways, back to the conversation a few months ago when I expressed my frustrations with our lacking sex life (usually about once a week).

He said that in the past with his exes he always relied on sex (or lack thereof) as a barometer of the health of the relationship (which he had said multiple times before). Granted he also had an ex who withheld sex as punishment when she didn't get her way, but I think it was also just how he assessed relationships in the past - not that good sex isn't important, but it's not the only thing. But then he said, with you I don't feel that anymore. That with me/us he has never felt that need to equate frequent and good sex to the quality of the relationship. He said that with me he knows that he doesn't *have* to have sex to know he's loved, and that even if we go a week without having sex that it doesn't mean our love is any less or that our relationship is somehow doomed.

It was a surprising revelation for me to hear that, and it made me think differently too. And luckily our sex life has improved, though we're both burning the candle at both ends and are perpetually sleep deprived due to work, social activities, other obligations, etc.

But I think he sees sex as an important part of being in a relationship, though he's learning that it's not the only thing. He definitely sees it as fun. He loves cuddling and kissing, not always leading to sex (actually usually cuddling doesn't unless one of us gets really playful while cuddling). One thing I noticed is that once we had sex he no longer wanted to make out anymore, which is unfortunate because sometimes just making out is fun. Now if I get playful in bed he just assumes it's sexy time, when sometimes I just want to be playful and make out under the comforter.
This is helpful, thanks! I noticed with him that he seemed to get to business right away, but will likely work with him on foreplay and other sexy time. I can see his type being fun yet direct. But also need other types of connection. Last relationship I felt disconnected emotionally during sex, and not a fan of that.
 

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This is helpful, thanks! I noticed with him that he seemed to get to business right away, but will likely work with him on foreplay and other sexy time. I can see his type being fun yet direct. But also need other types of connection. Last relationship I felt disconnected emotionally during sex, and not a fan of that.
ISTJs are direct. They mean what they say and say what they mean. They don't do subtly. They don't read between the lines. And for Ne-dom/aux types like us this can be very challenging, and this is how we navigate and perceive the world and how our intuition works. Just keep this in mind as you proceed in this relationship. It's one of those things that even though I knew it in theory, when we hit that first rocky point where it came to head, it was a shock to the system, and it's still something that I struggle with and have to force myself to express and understand.

ISTJs are fun, but you will have to be direct with him in terms of what you want and need....both inside and outside the bedroom. This is still something I struggle with, so it's not going to be easy. You need to be assertive.

I think it depends on the ISTJ whether they are emotionally connected during sex or not. I think if that emotional connection to their mate is important to them then they will....and the more emotionally available they are outside of the bedroom the more likely they will be wanting that emotional connection during sex.

With my boyfriend and I, we've talked about spicing up our sex life, but it's never been something more than just trying new things for the sake of trying new things. Our tried and true methods are fine because for us it's about that emotional connection and the physical closeness. There was definitely that fiery passion early on, but now it's more about comfort and closeness and security.
 
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ISTJs are direct. They mean what they say and say what they mean. They don't do subtly. They don't read between the lines. And for Ne-dom/aux types like us this can be very challenging, and this is how we navigate and perceive the world and how our intuition works. Just keep this in mind as you proceed in this relationship. It's one of those things that even though I knew it in theory, when we hit that first rocky point where it came to head, it was a shock to the system, and it's still something that I struggle with and have to force myself to express and understand.

ISTJs are fun, but you will have to be direct with him in terms of what you want and need....both inside and outside the bedroom. This is still something I struggle with, so it's not going to be easy. You need to be assertive.

I think it depends on the ISTJ whether they are emotionally connected during sex or not. I think if that emotional connection to their mate is important to them then they will....and the more emotionally available they are outside of the bedroom the more likely they will be wanting that emotional connection during sex.

With my boyfriend and I, we've talked about spicing up our sex life, but it's never been something more than just trying new things for the sake of trying new things. Our tried and true methods are fine because for us it's about that emotional connection and the physical closeness. There was definitely that fiery passion early on, but now it's more about comfort and closeness and security.
Thanks! Good info. Yes, I'm worried about N vs. S. I'm almost always around Ns and feel at ease with them. He seems different. I wonder if I'll start feeling like something is missing. We have had some decent conversation - I feel like I have a more unique life/activities. He has made me laugh and has been attentive...physically seem compatible in a few ways.
 

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ISTJs are fun, but you will have to be direct with him in terms of what you want and need....both inside and outside the bedroom. This is still something I struggle with, so it's not going to be easy. You need to be assertive.
Hit the nail on the head. I would hesitate to say "all ISTJs view sex like [blank]" because it's a very personal subject. You can't go wrong with being direct, though.
 

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I like marathons....on the road and in the bed. I'm about 50/50 on being intimate and just having a good screwing.....but they're not exclusive either. It's usually very clear when I'm stressed and need to get laid.

Not a whole lot to do with your situation, but there you go.
 
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I like marathons....on the road and in the bed. I'm about 50/50 on being intimate and just having a good screwing.....but they're not exclusive either. It's usually very clear when I'm stressed and need to get laid.

Not a whole lot to do with your situation, but there you go.
Haha! He is a runner. And I can relate to other types of marathons. He's been really great actually. He said he is happy around me :happy: And we talk a bit too and laugh. I think he is an ISTJ, but I'm having a hard time figuring it out. I guess it isn't all that important. It has just been strangely pleasant and appreciating how we are different, yet we seem to get along just fine.
 

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Haha! He is a runner. And I can relate to other types of marathons. He's been really great actually. He said he is happy around me :happy: And we talk a bit too and laugh. I think he is an ISTJ, but I'm having a hard time figuring it out. I guess it isn't all that important. It has just been strangely pleasant and appreciating how we are different, yet we seem to get along just fine.
If he's a runner, then good luck to you keeping up. :wink:

I swear, running's like an aphrodisiac or something.
 
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