Hello my friends from America and everywhere!
I'm in my twenties, very shy (at least for a guy who is six feet three in his boots); Anxious, introverted kind of loner who always dreamed for a special connection with a special someone.
Last year I met a girl at a theater workshop. Still in high school, ENFP, probably type seven-I'm a four.
We had that connection! I felt indescribably good in her company, more in tune than with anybody else before. She got me better than anybody else, yet I'm complicated. It was ambiguous; uneasy to say the nature of our complicity, but it was something!
We saw a couple of time last summer.
She initially proposed it, I took it with sort of simulated indifference (introverted feeling plus shyness...), it took me almost one month to contact her. Don't ask me why! I'm also a complicated case for the medicine.
She seemed to be aware that I could have something for her, but I played it indifferent (my manner to look relaxed, while inside I'm insecure, pretty intense), we were both very shy. We didn't have a drink or something like that, we just walked together. She was afraid to look me in the eyes.
"We like each others..." she said, I felt she was liking me for sure in a particular way.
There was a special affinity for sure. Her soul seduced me. There was something mysterious and authentic that I can't explain.
To describe her attitude I would say: attentive, shy, pretty nervous, gentle; mines: very hesitating above all.
Apart from this, we weren't in touch by any mean. And none of us said we should see more..., yet she said "see you next time!" enthusiastically. I didn't proposed her to see more because I wasn't sure she wanted to, and I must confess here I was maybe afraid of commitment.
Deeply I wanted something to happen, but like we saw rarely so it was difficult to really feel comfortable together... So despite we liked each others, we didn't even became friends and our complicity was ambiguous.
The last time she said she will proposed me something next time, but she didn't.
In September she was really happy to see me again at the theater, and proposed enthusiastically that we could see outside, a bit nervous and intense. Before leaving her I kissed her on the cheek. She giggled nervously.
After this she became suddenly and drastically distant!
Maybe she found the kiss bit abrupt and strange, but never talked about.
Her attitude toward me totally changed; from very attentive, encouraging and funny, she became prudent, aloof...
She said I was a loner, special, that I didn't really knew her.
She began to refuse to see me outside.
I found her attitude very aggressive.
She was escaping any discussion.
Some weeks later, pressured as hell I ended up to say I had some feelings for her, she said she hadn't, although I was in her own words a "person she appreciates very much", and that we should "keep our complicity". First I had no intention to tell her about my feelings, only expressing her some interest (great tenderness for her, never bored in her company...), but she was so intense, puzzled and nervous inside like she wasn't totally indifferent, saying "do you love me?" that it encouraged me...
The only real discussion we had at that time. She hadn't any boyfriend either.
We saw briefly outside in February, after two month without having a real discussion. My attempt to renew the dialogue because I was really missing her and was so afraid that we could became strangers to each others. She said she became naturally distant without knowing the reason herself.
Things got bit better next month. We talked more, but it was still awkward. I came to see a show were she was playing after she proposed me to, by curiosity but also for her pleasure. I was the only guy of her entourage here. She was indeed happy that I came, but some weeks after when I proposed to see her for talking a bit, she admitted she didn't want to and the fact I was insisting was making things worse! I took it very bad and reproach her to be disgusting.
And she was forced to admit meanwhile she found someone (I saw that person, not even cute or impressive, ordinary as hell).
So, she refused to see me and I said to her "Well, I see I'm dead for you, it's over, we will not ever see again. Let's say goodbye." but she refused it too, saying that we will see when the theater will be over.
When she said she has someone I clearly said I will probably stop talking to her because there's no way I can handle this, she replied "I don't see why you would stop talking to me because of this".
The only thing she talks about is keeping a "good entente".
She even reproached me not to do enough "efforts" in order to keep an entente. I said I don't see why I would make efforts when all was fine and easy before she became distant; she admitted I was right.
She always been pretty nervous or intimidated in my presence; she still can't look me easily in the eyes, her hands shakes sometimes. I let her indirectly know I would like to kiss her but she don't because she's got no feelings. And she admitted having no real friendship for me. She "appreciates" me. At times she seems clearly receptive to my charm, my humor, my personality... Problem is I can't maintain an emotional connection or showing any physical affection to her. At the theater she was either ignoring me or looking at me.
At what she became initially distant I would say: to make things less intense, personal between us.
It made me feel neglected, ashamed, rejected, hurt, jealous, angry, misunderstood and sad.
I find it weird she proposed that we could spend some together in September (knowing there was something between us), then suddenly didn't want to.
One interesting thing she said when I talked about saying goodbye is "Why? I never said I wanted to make an end to our good entente".
But then, at what she wanted to make an end?
Complicity? Intimacy? But for me, a real good entente is just impossible without this! I need to see the person I like alone for sharing thoughts, feelings...like we did!
I said "With you we can't talk about anything" (she found it funny). I have no idea of her thoughts, feelings, views on life or anything. There's no dialogue! We are totally closed to each other. Maybe I'm a bit less, but you don't want to say something personal about you or anything when the person don't react to this, it's very embarrassing.
Should I tell her that in the absolute I would like to be with her instead of asking for something ambiguous? I think it's useless to lie to her, because sometimes she can read my mind. But again it's not that simple: I deeply like her as a person and I have nothing against being her friend yet I'm fucking jealous. I really feel we could do a great pair.
When I look at our relationship, I think that such a waste is very sad, considering our real affinity, if not alchemy sometimes.
At the theater I was often withdrawing from her because I felt too ashamed and blessed that she could think I'm not good enough for her... I felt highly vulnerable, especially since she almost didn't do anything to reassure me, to make me feel better. In this context I couldn't show her any affection either... You may think it's crazy but I don't even had the opportunity to tell her why I like her; why she's unique to me.
At the end she did some efforts to be more human and I appreciated it but I stayed distant because I still don't trust her like before, and unconsciously I'm afraid to get hurt and rejected again if I show enthusiasm.
Now the theater is over, we have no reason to see each others. Just once soon, but not alone.
I would like to spend time alone with her to see what happen, because at times we can still have a great contact and I'm pretty sure some magic can still happen.
But I'm insecure and not sure of the best way to propose her to see again in a reassuring way, and I guess I'm pretty much afraid of her, because I have the feeling she rejected me not only sentimentally but also humanly all these months. Apparently it was more important for her to have fun at the theater than taking the time to listen me, or being really nice. Because like I said she was particularly nice, attentive with me, then suddenly stopped.