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We all have our hot button issues. Usually they begin in childhood with our parents' criticisms of us. I still haven't resolved my hot button issues, and today they seem to be bothering me more than usual. Here's what was said to me as a child, and still really hurts:

You're:

lazy
negative
weak
critical
spacey

"You would feel better if you'd just get your nose out of that book and do something!"

I think nothing hurts more than the "lazy" label. My mom was a very active person, a hard worker and she saw me as messy, dirty, and lazy and it drove her nuts. I have tried very hard over the years not to be what she thought I was, but my nature works against me. I have low energy naturally being introverted, but on top of that I have an autoimmune disorder which is exhausting.

When I can't seem to get moving, and my house begins to look bad (which it will within hours because I have 3 boys), I really hate myself. I would trade all my whimsical creativity, my pretty voice, my looks, and all my talent just to have the drive and energy to keep my home and yard neat, clean, and pretty, and to be able to take better care of my boys, reading to them, cooking for them, taking them places. That is what I value, because that is what I was taught to value. But the one thing I value the most is the one thing that is hardest for me to achieve.

What do you struggle with the most? What is the one thing that you do not want to hear?
 

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We all have our hot button issues. Usually they begin in childhood with our parents' criticisms of us. I still haven't resolved my hot button issues, and today they seem to be bothering me more than usual. Here's what was said to me as a child, and still really hurts:

You're:

lazy
negative
weak
critical
spacey

"You would feel better if you'd just get your nose out of that book and do something!"

I think nothing hurts more than the "lazy" label. My mom was a very active person, a hard worker and she saw me as messy, dirty, and lazy and it drove her nuts. I have tried very hard over the years not to be what she thought I was, but my nature works against me. I have low energy naturally being introverted, but on top of that I have an autoimmune disorder which is exhausting.

When I can't seem to get moving, and my house begins to look bad (which it will within hours because I have 3 boys), I really hate myself. I would trade all my whimsical creativity, my pretty voice, my looks, and all my talent just to have the drive and energy to keep my home and yard neat, clean, and pretty, and to be able to take better care of my boys, reading to them, cooking for them, taking them places. That is what I value, because that is what I was taught to value. But the one thing I value the most is the one thing that is hardest for me to achieve.

What do you struggle with the most? What is the one thing that you do not want to hear?
I've never been on one forum where I feel like I can relate to so much of what's being said, haha, but this post stuck out to me particularly.

Unfortunately, I struggle the most with what would seem like very simple things to other people. The two things I do not want to hear are "Are you all right/OK?" and "What do you have to do today?", because of the words they imply to me.

My mother saw, and still sees me as moody, disorganized, and constantly depressed/lonely. She's the type of person to go out there and make friends and be very outward with her expressions of happiness because it is what she perceives as right and normal. I'm a very quiet, reserved person, and absolutely love my time alone just as much as my time with friends, and I tend to display emotion outward less. She reads this as me being lonely and depressed because I have a low desire to do active things or go hang out with others even though in my world it's just status quo. So it has become a hot button, so to speak, for me to hear someone ask "Are you all right?/Is everything ok?", because of the implication that normal for me is somehow weird or disturbed to others.

The other hot button, asking about my schedule, has the same source. My mother is extremely rigid in her scheduling, and likes to have her day blocked out by the half hour for everything she is going to do. She is controlling of her life, whereas I am very ok with doing things when I'm ready to do them, and not necessarily on a schedule, which she misconstrues as disorganized, but is really just a different system of organization. She has gone so far as to try to change me, by scheduling out my day for me and making me stick to it. Thus, I can't stand to hear others ask me what work I have to do for the day, because it comes off to me as a criticism of my own ability to plan. My world can appear a bit messy, yes, to outsiders. But to me it is all in my own organized state.

It's had the opposite effect on me though, over the years. Instead of trying to prove I'm not what she thinks I am, I've just sank deeper and deeper into myself and my own personality, determined to remain content in knowing that I am what I am, and those perceptions just aren't true.
 

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I don't like being called lazy, I do things on my own scheduall. I clean when I feel something needs it and I am ready to and so I don't like it when people say that I am lazy and I need to clean up. Also I take a while to clean because I have to do it in a precise way so I know where everything is.
Also when people say they will 'help' me clean and the worst is when the actually do 'help' me. This is beacuse I know were everything is but it just looks disorganized(I do admit some of it is but not to the extent they think it is) So whenever I get told to clean it I just thinkthat they are dissing my way of organization(which I do admit to outsiders it is messy but hey it is me) and when they think they are helping they are actually just makeing it worse for me because then I can not find where anything is.
Another one is that I am never ready for something that I don't want to do but ready for something I do so "you only do things you want to do". It is untrue I do do the things that I dont want to do but maybe I am a little slower but that is how everyone I have met does things. Also because I don't like when it is all about me, sure I would like some credit for something but I don't want a billboard. (I would rather shine the spotlight on someone else than have them shine it on me.

There are probably some other but I can not think of them right now.
 

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We all have our hot button issues. Usually they begin in childhood with our parents' criticisms of us. I still haven't resolved my hot button issues, and today they seem to be bothering me more than usual. Here's what was said to me as a child, and still really hurts:

You're:

lazy
negative
weak
critical
spacey


"You would feel better if you'd just get your nose out of that book and do something!"

I think nothing hurts more than the "lazy" label. My mom was a very active person, a hard worker and she saw me as messy, dirty, and lazy and it drove her nuts. I have tried very hard over the years not to be what she thought I was, but my nature works against me. I have low energy naturally being introverted, but on top of that I have an autoimmune disorder which is exhausting.

When I can't seem to get moving, and my house begins to look bad (which it will within hours because I have 3 boys), I really hate myself. I would trade all my whimsical creativity, my pretty voice, my looks, and all my talent just to have the drive and energy to keep my home and yard neat, clean, and pretty, and to be able to take better care of my boys, reading to them, cooking for them, taking them places. That is what I value, because that is what I was taught to value. But the one thing I value the most is the one thing that is hardest for me to achieve.

What do you struggle with the most? What is the one thing that you do not want to hear?
Maybe it is because I am Latina...but all those words make me hot :shocked:and whomever is communicating that should know where to stick it :wink:
I don't know how much they cost but I've heard of a service called Maids to Go...maybe you would have more energy if someone helped you out around the house once in a while. Otherwise it would be a good thing to start training your young men to take up some responsibility and they would be more than happy to because look what a great mom you are! My brother left our household knowing how to cook and clean better than his wife. That was a good thing too since she had a lot of struggles in the beginning with their first child.

I struggle with not letting those hot issues get to me. On sensitive days it's hard and that is usually when I make sure to keep to myself and be very kind and contemplative as to what I can do and if I can do anything at all to improve the situation. Sometimes you just have to let things go and look at the bigger picture...your children are healthy and happy right? As long as the house is sanitary you're in the clear (there are lots of stuff on the market to make life easier in that department i.e. Lysol wipes) ....clutter is going to be an issue always when you have 3 kids in the house. I don't have any children and I'm a bit of a clutter bug all on my own (I somehow manage to almost use every dish in the house when I cook a meal) and I can't say I really found a solution so much as I learned how to put things in bins :laughing:
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I've never been on one forum where I feel like I can relate to so much of what's being said, haha, but this post stuck out to me particularly.

Unfortunately, I struggle the most with what would seem like very simple things to other people. The two things I do not want to hear are "Are you all right/OK?" and "What do you have to do today?", because of the words they imply to me.

My mother saw, and still sees me as moody, disorganized, and constantly depressed/lonely. She's the type of person to go out there and make friends and be very outward with her expressions of happiness because it is what she perceives as right and normal. I'm a very quiet, reserved person, and absolutely love my time alone just as much as my time with friends, and I tend to display emotion outward less. She reads this as me being lonely and depressed because I have a low desire to do active things or go hang out with others even though in my world it's just status quo. So it has become a hot button, so to speak, for me to hear someone ask "Are you all right?/Is everything ok?", because of the implication that normal for me is somehow weird or disturbed to others.

The other hot button, asking about my schedule, has the same source. My mother is extremely rigid in her scheduling, and likes to have her day blocked out by the half hour for everything she is going to do. She is controlling of her life, whereas I am very ok with doing things when I'm ready to do them, and not necessarily on a schedule, which she misconstrues as disorganized, but is really just a different system of organization. She has gone so far as to try to change me, by scheduling out my day for me and making me stick to it. Thus, I can't stand to hear others ask me what work I have to do for the day, because it comes off to me as a criticism of my own ability to plan. My world can appear a bit messy, yes, to outsiders. But to me it is all in my own organized state.

It's had the opposite effect on me though, over the years. Instead of trying to prove I'm not what she thinks I am, I've just sank deeper and deeper into myself and my own personality, determined to remain content in knowing that I am what I am, and those perceptions just aren't true.


I wish that was how I had reacted, but I've instead tried to squash my own personality and become more like my mom. But it never works.

I don't like being asked if I'm okay either. My husband does that all the time, and to me it insinuates that I'm somehow mentally unbalanced or weak.
 

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Maybe it is because I am Latina...but all those words make me hot :shocked:and whomever is communicating that should know where to stick it :wink:
I don't know how much they cost but I've heard of a service called Maids to Go...maybe you would have more energy if someone helped you out around the house once in a while. Otherwise it would be a good thing to start training your young men to take up some responsibility and they would be more than happy to because look what a great mom you are! My brother left our household knowing how to cook and clean better than his wife. That was a good thing too since she had a lot of struggles in the beginning with their first child.

I struggle with not letting those hot issues get to me. On sensitive days it's hard and that is usually when I make sure to keep to myself and be very kind and contemplative as to what I can do and if I can do anything at all to improve the situation. Sometimes you just have to let things go and look at the bigger picture...your children are healthy and happy right? As long as the house is sanitary you're in the clear (there are lots of stuff on the market to make life easier in that department i.e. Lysol wipes) ....clutter is going to be an issue always when you have 3 kids in the house. I don't have any children and I'm a bit of a clutter bug all on my own (I somehow manage to almost use every dish in the house when I cook a meal) and I can't say I really found a solution so much as I learned how to put things in bins :laughing:
Oh yes, I am teaching my lovely boys to work. It's an uphill battle though. They're a lot like me! And my husband (incidentally, Latino) is also very messy, even more so than me. But he expects to be picked up after as if he was a little boy. If it were just me, there would be very little mess, I know this because I've lived alone before. But I feel like I'm in over my head with all these clutter bugs in my house!
 
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Calling me a bitch with venom dripping from the voiec pushes all my buttons and I turn into this hyper-aggresive, get right back into your face bitch. Far different from my usual demeanor.
I too have chronic illness. You can only do as much as you can do. Take care of what's most important. Teach the boys to clean up a few things. Tell your mom you would gladly accept her help. If she refuses to help, then her attitude is definitely her problem not yours.
If you use any type of synthetic fragrance or household cleaner - STOP. Happy to help....
 

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Seems universal. I really disliked being called lazy. It doesn't happen very much now as an adult but as a kid it happened a lot. I was very frustrated because it seemed there were some actions or activities that required me to muster up more energy or a different kind of energy than I was used to. As we grow older more functions are available so there are improvements.

I didn't like it because I knew it wasn't true. And it hurt because of course it sometimes came from figures you respect and wanted to make a good impression with. Doesn't really happen anymore.

One that bothers me more as an adult is if I get criticized for doing something that is just naturally Me - you know Who I am. An ENFP friend actually told me not long ago that I overcomplicated things and thought about them too much. I said WTH? You're a dang ENFP telling me I think too much? Gimme a break. Sure if you get morose or something it can be an indication that the shadow is taking hold, but philosophical meandering is part and parcel of INFJ. That's a big part of who I am. If people say it is wrong, particularly people I care about, that can hurt.
 

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[/b]

I wish that was how I had reacted, but I've instead tried to squash my own personality and become more like my mom. But it never works.

I don't like being asked if I'm okay either. My husband does that all the time, and to me it insinuates that I'm somehow mentally unbalanced or weak.

I hate it when people ask if I am ok(except when I do something that I might not be ok like fall or something then that is ok). But asking about if my mood is ok is a whole other story, it does seem like they are asking you if you are weak emotionaly or unbalanced metally.

Oh also when people tell me what to pack for vacation or trips or whatever. It makes it seem like I can not decided what to take myself and somehow they know what I need better than I do. It just annoys me when people do that. I know what to pack for myself I have been packing for my self for years now so just stop telling unless there is something special that needs packed(like how dressy the clothes need to be when we go somewhere dressy or what have you). Just telling me what kind of basic stuff I need like clothes, hairbrush, toothbrush, pajamas..etc it annoying.
 

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Calling me a bitch with venom dripping from the voiec pushes all my buttons and I turn into this hyper-aggresive, get right back into your face bitch. Far different from my usual demeanor.
I too have chronic illness. You can only do as much as you can do. Take care of what's most important. Teach the boys to clean up a few things. Tell your mom you would gladly accept her help. If she refuses to help, then her attitude is definitely her problem not yours.
If you use any type of synthetic fragrance or household cleaner - STOP. Happy to help....
I'm very sensitive to chemicals, so all I use for cleaning are things like unscented dish soap, essential oils, vinegar, borax, baking soda, etc.

My mom would gladly help, but she lives too far away. And I always feel so ashamed of myself if she has to come clean my house. I don't want her to see any of my imperfections, it hurts too much.

One that bothers me more as an adult is if I get criticized for doing something that is just naturally Me - you know Who I am. An ENFP friend actually told me not long ago that I overcomplicated things and thought about them too much. I said WTH? You're a dang ENFP telling me I think too much? Gimme a break. Sure if you get morose or something it can be an indication that the shadow is taking hold, but philosophical meandering is part and parcel of INFJ. That's a big part of who I am. If people say it is wrong, particularly people I care about, that can hurt.
Actually it never really hurt me when people would say I overthink things because I always felt that it was true. I always wanted to be a simpler person, it seems like it would be so much easier to be happy. I think learning about my type has helped me to see that I need to be more accepting and compassionate with myself. My basic temperament is never going to change, and I need to learn to accept it. I guess even though I've always wanted to be simpler and happier, I was proud of my ability to think deeply in a way. It's just hard being misunderstood all the time.
 

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I feel for you. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I guess you'll just have to figure out which side is more comfortable then lean on it. :unsure:
 

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Having my father suggest that maybe I was just being lazy when I thought I might be dealing with post-partum depression issues (I thought he'd understand, seeing as he's been taking anti-depressants since I was in high school!).

Going to great lengths to apologize to someone, and then having them reject my apology.

Generally being talked down to like I'm some sort of idiot. Especially by Thinking types who have no respect for emotion or intuition.
 
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Not an INFJ but these stories come to mind, nevertheless....

Having my "friend" tell me I was a bad friend because I offended him when I had an anxiety attack and had to leave a large social function as he approached me. I told him as I was leaving I was having an attack and then later he felt the need to IM me and tell me how self centered and rude I was. He then later apologized in front of a group of our friends who had no idea what went out between us and I asked him to do it privately and he wouldn't. He insisted on making his apology a big production.

When I devleoped fibromyalgia and just getting out bed was an effort much less making it to work most days, my boss approaches me and suggests the pain is in my head and I really need a therapist.
 

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Not an INFJ but these stories come to mind, nevertheless....

Having my "friend" tell me I was a bad friend because I offended him when I had an anxiety attack and had to leave a large social function as he approached me. I told him as I was leaving I was having an attack and then later he felt the need to IM me and tell me how self centered and rude I was. He then later apologized in front of a group of our friends who had no idea what went out between us and I asked him to do it privately and he wouldn't. He insisted on making his apology a big production.

When I devleoped fibromyalgia and just getting out bed was an effort much less making it to work most days, my boss approaches me and suggests the pain is in my head and I really need a therapist.[/quote]

I used to get a lot of that kind of garbage. There is almost nothing worse than being treated like a lunatic for being in pain.
 

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Oh yes, I am teaching my lovely boys to work. It's an uphill battle though. They're a lot like me! And my husband (incidentally, Latino) is also very messy, even more so than me. But he expects to be picked up after as if he was a little boy. If it were just me, there would be very little mess, I know this because I've lived alone before. But I feel like I'm in over my head with all these clutter bugs in my house!

Ingreido!!! You do have an uphill climb because if your husband doesn't set the example....:frustrating:Any progress you make is only going to karmically benefit you since they will just move out of your house and do for their girlfriends/wives lol. No one ever said being a mother was easy. I would definitely talk to the hubs about looking into a person to tackle the household cleaning even if it is a few days a month. Everyone will certainly benefit from your increase in health and energy. Thank goodness we don't live in the days of June Cleaver so stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Also take a cruise down at the container store...we are the type of people who keep them in business so we do have a purpose being the way we are :laughing:Reminded me of a conversation I had with my cousin not too long ago. She loves crafts but they kind have taken over her home. We agreed that we admire Martha Stewart the queen of crafting and how everything is so wonderfully organized and then reality hits you...she has the money to build the things to make her life so "perfect" lol. My cousin still needs to clear her kitchen table of all that knitting but at least she is not so stressed about it :happy:
 

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lazy - yes, when I was a kid and refused to do boring household chores and was called lazy for it, but I found out I could escape doing them if I did well academically so I just learned to use homework as my shield against my parents and grandparents nagging me
negative - pessimistic more like it, but alongside I also always had an overactive imagination that always shone that light for me at the end of the tunnel
weak - never this one
critical - of myself, rarely of others
spacey - dreamy, disconnected from reality, yeah a few times
new one to add "selfish" - my habit of often making references to myself & high degree of introversion makes people think i am only interested in myself, which to certain degree is true, introverts are mostly interested in their own stuff and spend a lot of time in seclusion, but it doesn't mean that we don't give a shit about other people

I think being called selfish has hurt the most, people thinking that you are cold and aloof and arrogant.
 
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